Unsettled

I can't really describe this unsettled feeling I am having. Could be that it's 11:30 and I can't sleep, or the horrible crick in my neck, or the end of the school year stuff that is going on. I can't really put my finger on it. I think maybe the biggest thing would probably be that it has almost been 6 weeks since Shane left. Yes, for those of you that see me at baseball games or out to eat, I am going through the grieving process. All days are not hunky dorey and most days I would rather stay at home and pine away. Instead, I have 3 children that are depending on me to keep up their day t0 day goings and comings. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not just crying all the time, in public, at home. Don't get me wrong I do my fair share of shedding tears and its usually at really weird times. However, my mom purchased a small book on grieving and this author states that there are 10 steps to grieving. I, so far, have covered about 6 of them. Right now I am on the step where whenever I close my eyes I see Shane and can hear his voice like he is right in the room with me. I'm by no means obsessed with this, but it is very unsettling. When this has happened its usually a great little break in the new world of a widow. However, at times I catch myself just wanting to stay in that moment. I probably need to stop writing about this or some of you may think I have lost it. I received a great phone call yesterday. I answered and a sweet voice of a young girl said, " This is_________ from _____________ I have a message for Shane, we are having a meeting at ________ time. " I didn't want to tell her, for I knew that it would upset her, but I told her that he had passed away last month, but thank you. I know it upset her thinking that she had upset me. Little did she know how good it was for someone to speak of Shane in present tense. I use to give him grief about all of the meetings that he had to go to. Oh how I long for those days. Quite unsettling. The kids are doing ok, as well as can be expected but I know that they are like me and are unsettled. I was going through Sam's folder from school the other day and noticed he had a large paper with some artwork drawn on it. I opened it up and it was large peace sign, I commented on it, then noticed there was something else on the back. It was a picture of the 3 crosses, with a stone with Shane's name on it and a person standing by the stone with tears flowing. I asked him about it and he said, "yea, that's me crying over dad's grave." Extremely unsettling, but in a good way. Sam is very quite and does talk about things but in a different way, so to see his feelings drawn on paper was a very good thing for me. I would rather him be drawing baseball fields, or the normal little boy stuff but to see that he is dealing with this is great to a mom.
The most unsettling part of it all is I don't know when the unsettled feeling will ever go away. I know they say that time heals all wounds, but really?? A wound this big, so jagged, so deep, so fresh????? I know Jesus' wounds have already healed our hurt, I do know all that, and know He is my comforter. At the same time, I miss the very man in my life that made me feel SETTLED, that made me feel safe, made me feel loved, made my children feel loved, and always assured me of God's love for me. I miss his presence, I miss his smell, I miss his touch, I miss his laugh, his smile, his jokes, I miss when he was in deep thought that he rubbed his eyebrows, I miss kissing his shiny bald head. I MISS him. So tonight, I 'm praying that God would please fill this huge wound with His love and presence, I pray for this unsettled feeling to go away, I pray that my babies feel His loving arms around them as they use to feel Shane's arms hold them. I know its been 6 weeks but we still ask for your prayers. Life goes on around us, but there is still a large gaping wound here in the Richardson household.
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. Lamentations 3:25
Lord I am waiting and seeking You during this unsettled time.