Sleep has again escaped me. Unfortunately, when things of life, heart matters, decisions face me, sleep leaves me. This morning, woke up way before alarm went off. I tossed and turned, tried to pray, tried to listen and none of those were working out. I saw the sun peeking through my window as if to ask me to join him. I did. I laced up my new kicks the kiddos got me (with my credit card) put on my sweatshirt and headed out. No earbuds to distract me, just me, the wind, the sun, birds, and the sound of my feet meeting the pavement. As the wind blew the cold on my face I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks,not because I was crying but because of the cold. Then it hit me. Jesus was telling me to cry, to get it out. So the tears from the cold mingled with the tears of my heart. So much yuck surrounding me-decisions, change, exhaustion, that oh so unsettled feeling that takes over now and again. I had a little JOLT from Jesus this morning. That jolt reminded me that I'm in the midst of arguing with my Father. I feel He is telling me one thing while my heart and head is telling me another. As I walked I talked. 'But God this is what I want and I thought you wanted this for me to.' 'God you said you'd take care of me but why do I feel alone.' 'You said you'd help me raise these 3 alone and I feel I'm doing it all by myself.' I stopped talking and...NOTHING. Only the sounds of my feet, only the birds and only the wind. Made me even angrier with Him. I literally wanted to stop and stomp my feet and shake my hands toward the blue blue sky. Instead I kept walking. I rounded the corner to notice the neighborhood pool has been drained. For months we've seen the grossness floating on the top covering the even grosser stuff in the bottom. Then I heard Him. "Im trying to drain you of you and your grossness, your dirt, your insecurities, your fears, im trying to drain you of you DeAnn! I'm trying to bring you back to me and the clearness of what I can do. I'm so much more than you can even fathom. I'm even more than you experienced with me 6 years ago through sickness, death and dying. I Am the Great I Am. If you will just let me do what I want and need to do it will be clear as that pool will be when cleaned with chemicals. Clear. I will give you answers but only when I seen its time. I will help with your insecurities, with your unsettledness, I will protect you and I will Father your fatherless children. You just have to BE STILL."
I heard him, didnt like it. Sometimes I wished I could physically feel Him, like Jacob did when he wrestled with Him. Maybe if God just held me down and told me what He wanted for me then I'd get it. But no, God is gentle and loving with me. He finds me on cool morning walks, He Jolts me with a bit of Jesus with wind and sun. He tells me that I don't have to be insecure or question love for me as I do with humans. He is my portion, the one that fills my empty spaces, the one that makes me feel secure. When it gets right down to it He reminds me with visuals of empty pools that He! He is all I need. His cleaning chemical is His love for me. The very love that placed His son on the cross with my name on His lips. The One that had sustained me through some serious pain, loneliness. He's that same God, it's just the grossness of life has made it not so easy to see. Father God, thank you for urging me up out of bed to walk with you this morning. Thank you for knowing when my spirit needs cleansing with good, sad, confused tears. Thank you for giving me visuals of how Your love works in me. For empty pools, for Jolts of Jesus. Thanks for reminding me that you are still the same God that held me, loved me through something I never thought I'd make it through. For being the same God that will hold me through more hurts and trials. Thank you for letting me stomp my feet and argue with you but being so very patient and loving while I'm pitching my hissy. Thank you Father God for knowing exactly what I need and when. Thank you for reminding me to just sit still for a minute, just wait. Thank you for speaking to me this morning on my walk with you. Thank you for preparing my hear to worship and praise and openly be totally in love with you. You, my God are all I will ever ever need. That, I'm thankful for. I love you. ~d