Good Grief

Good Grief

Thursday, July 16, 2015



So I posted a huge question that's been bothering me.

If change is suppose to be so good then why is it so hard?

I've never done well with change-ever. I like things to stay the way they are and unfortunately we all know things don't stay the way they are-good or bad. I like my ruts, routines, habits. I get comfy and cozy and then if something happens to change my comfy-cozy it disrupts my whole world. You'd think after a life changing experience 5 + years ago I'd have gotten use to change. I haven't. I'm a comfort seeker. We all are, aren't we? Why jump ship if it's not sinking? Why fix something if it's not broke?

When I asked my friend/mentor the above question, her answer was what I needed. Her answer in her too-the-point way was::: "because God wants us to face challenges WITH him, not in independence."

We all know change is inevitable in life. Always something happening to make life a little bit uncomfortable. One of those changes is a new job/career. Especially when you are extremely happy in the one you have. Most of you know I'm an assistant at a pre-school. Love my kids, love my co-workers, love my hours-especially my Fridays off. However, as change has it- so do finances, family needs, the fact that your son is about to be driving which causes huge changes to a moms budget. I was told by my advisors that it just may be time to look for something else. I didn't want to. But I also didn't have to "look." A position became available at Unity, where my kids attend. It all worked out and I start August 3rd. I've been in turmoil about having to leave a job I absolutely love. Asking why am I having to leave when I didnt really want to. This place has been therapeutic to my heart. I started a year after the dynamics of our family had changed. These children, the ladies I work with have been my salve for a wounded, broke-wide open heart. This little school has loved me and my 3, especially Sam and Molly because they went there. Gina,  gave me an opportunity to give and receive something my spirit needed. The school understood Molly's little broken heart and how having her mom close by made it easier. They've prayed for us, given to us. The families of this preschool have done the same. My brown bag Wednesdays always reminded me that we were loved. I've fallen in love with these children as if they were my own. On my worst days id walk in and a child would make the worst days my best. So why would I want to leave? Why leave a job you love--I really don't want too but...

I'm getting to go to a school where I'll be doing the exact same thing. Loving, encouraging children. Letting them love and encourage me. As I cried in my kitchen about some of the children that would have been in my class this upcoming year (that i had when they were 2) sweet Sam placed his hands on my shoulders, looked my square in the eye (yep, he's that tall) and said, "but mom, you now get to be with your 3 kids everyday." Wise boy. I'm being allowed the opportunity to work alongside so many that carried us in prayer during the darkest moments in our lives. They've loved us long and well as a school family and now I get to be a part of that same family. I get to be under the same roof with my 3-which they all, even J, seem to be very excited about. I continue to be able to have their schedule, go home with them at the end if the day, spend Christmas vacation and summer breaks with them. I get to fall in love with some new families, love on their babies as my own.
So as much as I've fought leaving and changing I'm also feeling very blessed. So blessed to be given this opportunity. An opportunity to help my family more financially. As hard as it is to give up those part-time hours I'm feeling blessed that it's not office hours where I will be away from them after school and summers. As much as I hate changing my routine I'm reminded all good things come to an end. Seasons change-so does life. As much as I hate thinking of not being with my old coworkers daily I'm excited to work along new ones, make new relationships while maintaining my old ones. I thank them all for walking alongside of me through this season of life. For loving me through. I thank the parents that have let me pour into their children if just for a little while. It's healed me. There will always be a special place tucked away for my Rome First family. Thank you.
I thank Unity for giving me this great opportunity for me and my 3. I get to be a part of growing the Kingdom. I've sacrificed to keep my kids here because it was important for Shane and I, important to him to keep them here. I'm excited and hesitant all at the same time. Change is hard.
The friend/mentor that I mentioned earlier gave me the best reminder, encouragement of all. When I texted her that I had an offer from Unity she texted me and told me that she knew something like this would happen-that very morning she woke up from a dream in a cold sweat. She explained that in her dream she was in her old office with Shane. They were talking and Shane told her, "Gina, you have to remind my wife that change is good." She said it was so eerie, she couldn't explain it---until I texted her about the job, then it was very clear.
So as I prepare for a new chapter, a new season I ask for yet, more prayers. Please pray that I find peace in it all. That I, along with my 3, find our balance, our new groove. Pray for endurance as I get use to a longer schedule, pray God helps this scattered mom/dad of 3 to manage time wisely. Pray that my heart heals from leaving friends, families and children. Pray that my heart is wide open to love more children, more families, more co-workers. Pray for the teacher I will assist that we may have a great relationship and pray for my class. Especially pray that I see this change as good and from God, that I continue to see it as a blessing.

And yes Shane---you won again. I remember him saying shortly after Molls was born- "DeeDeeBo will have to go back to work full-time when Molly's in school." I shook my head no.  Yep-Shane-you won and yes Shane, CHANGE is good.

~3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 3:1-13

Monday, July 6, 2015

What Was, What Is and What's Yet to Be

Things that were, are and what's yet to be!

I've told several people this week that July 4th is almost as depressing to me as New Years. As a kid I loved the 4th-always meant a day with family, homemade ice cream, watermelon, fireworks and a late summer night. Always knew that the 4th meant the heat was unbearable so the attic fan went off and the big ole window a/c unit we had came on. These were the days before it was the norm to have central heat and air. I always remember right before bedtime the air was turned off and the attic fan came back on. Windows up at night meant laying there listening to frogs, crickets and summer sounds. Also meant the worst feeling in the world -sticking to ones self-you know-putting the cotton sheet between your legs so your sticky legs stay separated as not to "stick to yourself." Great memories. Those nights I remember thinking myself to sleep of what life as an adult would be. Never dreaming of what real life as an adult would entail, really.
Now the 4th just reminds me that summers almost over-and with that school begins again. The 4th reminds me now, as it use to, that my birthday is just 10 days away and then that was huge, now? -not so much. Just reminds me now how fleeting time really is. Reminds me of how much things change, that I have NO control over.
I went to our neighborhood pool (usually frequent the Murphy compound country club-members only;) for the first time this year yesterday with my longtime friend and neighbor, kindred souls we are. She has 3, I have 3, we've struggled through some yuck together and came out better I think and we both love us some Jesus. As I walked to the pool the silence was deafening, no kids. As I sat down beside her ready to bask in some sun I told her how different it felt without kids underfoot. Use to it was tons of toys, swimmies, snacks, sunscreen, cooler. Lots of "Mama's!" Yesterday it was me, a towel, my phone and a drink. No kids, no "mama's" no swimmies. I lay there remembering how there was once a time I couldn't wait to put the youngest down for a nap and run, I mean run, for just a short hour with just 1 or 2 of the kids for some pool time.  If the boys would rather hang back with daddy--even better.
Today? I have to about pay them to go anywhere with me. Jake's been drifting for a few years now-uninterested in the family pool, rather ride atv's at the compound and ok to stay home alone. This year-the other 2 are only satisfied for a bit to play pool wiffle ball together before they are tired and ready to go. Yesterday, with no one around you would have thought I had lost my right leg. Thankfully me and my friend filled the time solving all of our problems and before I knew it we'd spent several hours-just us ladies doing nothing.
All that alone time got me thinking about life today. This year, this 4th was the first time in 15 years that Jake has not been with me for a holiday. He's always stuck close to home-I always did as well. This year, however, he's gotten himself the sweetest girl friend, Girlfriend? He was invited to spend the 4th with her and her family. Thankful it's her because I love her and her family. I do admit, it was weird not having him around even though he's a distant 15 year old. Which got me reflecting something I mentioned in my last blog post-the fact that I only have a few more days, literal days with him. Before he ventures out into life. Coming right up behind him is Sam. He's always been the social one-going going going. So I've grown use to his short absences. I know that his absences will become more frequent which leaves me and M. I've recognized changes in her as well. Use to, she was always right next to me but now she seems to be growing wings that takes her away more. She doesn't think I hung the moon, stars and sun any longer. Instead the eye rolls and shrugs have already begun. With each passing day--they grow a little bit further away from me. You'd think I'd be ecstatic to have a little alone time.

 I'm not.

 Contrary-I'm dreading it.

I know it's inevitable that they grow, mature and leave but it's all happening way too fast. Would  i feel different if their dad was here? Probably so.
 You see, he and I had big plans. He'd planned to be close to retirement at age 55-in time for us to be able to take road trips to colleges, travel abroad(if I could've persuaded him to fly), and then be full-time grandparents. I always knew that our relationship would be stronger after parenting, growing closer even after they left because we were such good friends. Didn't foresee any of the growing apart that sometimes happens as empty-nesters. Think we'd have had a rekindling of sorts.
Now? Now it's just another #widowprob. Loneliness. While pouring all of your time, energy and love into your children-at the end of the day--they move on. I want them too-I want them to have lives of their own. I don't want them to have to worry about their mom, being lonely, aging. I want them living the life they were meant to live. No, I'd prefer to not be alone in my later years-but it's not looking good. Haven't lost hope but waiting on God. Who knows maybe it's meant for me to be alone so that I can be that full-time grandmother (DeeDee) maybe they'll make me a mom-in-law suite so I can assist in their busy lives.
Or better yet, maybe they'll set me up at the beach with many bedrooms so they can visit for free anytime they want-I promise to cook, I promise not to have  too many rules, I promise to not hover, or insist on time, but promise to love them with unbridled, non-judgmental grandmom love.
So as I wrap up another day by the pool-watching 2 play, dive, laugh and love life and hear the other one take many miles on the bobcat listening to the music I try to like, I think of what was, what is and what's yet to be. Praying I live in each moment, soaking up every bit of time I have with them, remembering I'm never alone, and pray for full, complete, wonderful lives for my 3 and their families one day.  Oh and Lord I'm thankful for central heat and air so that I no longer have to stick to myself. It's the lil things.

Happy What's Left of Summah!!!