Good Grief

Good Grief

Friday, December 31, 2010

So long 2010

I posted on FB the other night that I have always thought that New Years Eve was way overrated.  Even when I was single and young, I would have much rather have been home curled on the couch watching Dick Clark's New Years Rocking Eve.  To this day Dan Fogleberg's (no idea how to spell but you know the one...Met My old lover in the grocery story...) Same Auld Lang Sygne will bring me to tears.  When I was single it was always a little depressing not to have that significant other to ring in the New Year with .  After Shane and I got married we agreed on this just like we agreed on most everything when it came to life and family.  When it was just he and I we would grill out and hug the house, and I had someone to kiss me at 12 and tell each other we loved each other.  After the kids joined our life we never wanted to leave them on this night, they always joined us, we kissed each other then kissed our babies.  We enjoyed our babies company and they would join us for any New Years get together to ring it in with us. 
New Years has always been a little depressing for me.  I think it may have something to do with the holiday season coming to an end.  Regrets of things past, uncertainty of things to come.  Last year was no different, my sweet friend Whitney provided dinner for us along with New Year hats, horns the whole works.  I remember taking pictures of us all with Shane and I with our hats on and the kids enjoying each other.  I also remember wondering what this new year would hold for us.  I never dreamed it would be a year that would forever be etched in my heart and soul.  I went into the new year knowing Shane would be healed of cancer and he would have a wonderful testimony to share.  How different things turned out.  I can't say we made it till 12, but I do remember kissing Shane and telling him I loved him.  If I only could turn back time for this night again, to have Shane to kiss, tell him I love him, and look forward to a new year with him.  But as our story goes, that's not the case.  So my New Years depression is understandable this year where as in years past it wasn't.  I have to say 2010 was not my favorite year, so I can say I am ready to bid it farewell. 2010 will always be remembered and marked as the year Shane passed.  I will always treasure 2010 because it will always be etched in my heart as the last time I held, kissed,  and spoke with Shane.  2010  will be marked for me as the year I experienced the love of God like never before, the presence of His Spirit and the love of so many like never before.  So saying goodbye to 2010 is bittersweet for me.  I have to say it has been a year of significant spiritual growth that I will be forever thankful for.  At the same time, I look forward to a new year, one with new hope, faith, and promises from my Saviour.  I don't make resolutions but I have set a goal, that is-to continue to grow spiritually.  I want to surrender my all to Him, I want to continue to experience Him and His presence, I want bathe myself in His word.  I am setting a goal to start memorizing 2 verses a month (big stuff since I don't memorize anything but PIN numbers, etc.)  I want God's word to effortlessly spew from my lips, I want it to be in my heart, in my very core.  You see, I had a great mentor to show me what having the Word living inside of you could truly do in your life.  Shane, taught me so much about having His word dwelling inside of you.  Seeing it in action is quite contagious, so I want to experience it as he did.  With all of this being said, I get a little excited about a NEW year, unlike past years.  Excited to see God's continued blessings in my life, my children's life.  He has promised new bring it on 2011 (please let it be better than 2010.)
"This is what the Lord says, ‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16,18,19  Happy New Year to you and yours, may 2011 be full of many many blessings. As for me, I will try earnestly to not dwell on the past and look for His new things, knowing He will continue to make a way for me. 

Friday, December 24, 2010


Well, its CHRISTmas Eve and here I am.  Dreaded this moment for months but you know what?  It's not too bad. This is Shane and my most favorite time of the year so it is hard but it has been good. I say that because today the only way I can explain how I am feeling is "peace."  The kind of peace that only my Heavenly Father could give to me and my children.  Don't get me wrong, there is an absence that's unexplainable too, but my heart feels joy.  I have had several fellow widows say that the first year without your spouse at CHRISTmas is hard but the second one is even harder.  So this year I will enjoy this peace that He is providing for me and take comfort in that, I will worry about next year, next year.  I just visited my aunt, the wife to my only uncle that suddenly passed last week.  She was surrounded by children and grand-children and there seemed to be that same "peace" present there also.  I chose to fill my house last night with family, on being asked why? (since I am known not to be the entertainer) my reply was I wanted to fill my house with joy instead of sadness.  There was laughter, running, giggling and of course eating.  I have said often that if it wasn't for the children I would have left town.  OHHHH how happy I didn't do just that, because you see, my family has been so vital in this healing.  This year we are making a new normal for me and the kids and the rest of the family.  Our new normal is an empty seat at the dinner table, name tags with a missing name, and things to be done that parents do as a team to be done by me alone.  Its a normal that I don't think I will ever like or get use to, but I have that same presence that was present on the night Shane left.  Oh how thankful I am for the presence of my Jesus.  I've praised Him today because I know this will be Shane's best Christmas ever, it may be a silent night here, but I guarantee its not silent where Shane is.  There is rejoicing, and more rejoicing and continued praises of Hallelujah.  My soul will be rejoicing tonight too, that the man I love is getting to experience that and that I get to rejoice here on earth for a Saviour.  A God that sent Himself to earth to save us.  Oh how he loves you and me.  I will rejoice in the fact of my continued blessings in Jake, Sam and Molly and so many others.  I will rejoice in knowing this is all temporary here.  I will rejoice that my Saviour that laid in a simple manger, lived a simple life is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords.  Just because Shane is not here doesn't mean its not Jesus' birthday, so I will choose to celebrate no matter how hard it may be without him. So Happy Birthday Jesus, Merry Christmas Shane (celebrate for the rest of us) and Merry Christmas to you all, may you all feel the presence of His Holiness and experience Him in every way this CHRISTmas.