Good Grief

Good Grief

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Closing out 2015

Closing out

I always like to close out the current year with a few thoughts to later look back on as I welcome a new year. 2015 was good to me and my 3. We continue to survive and actually thrive. 5 years of living through and learning from grief is something we 4 should be proud of. As memories continue to fade a bit more  and grief is slowly losing it's harsh sting and grip on us, we continue to learn and grow from it all. As time slowly takes away certain things it can never take away the love, pain and suffering that makes us who we are right now.
I claimed 2015 as a time to move forward instead of constantly looking back. I think God agreed that it was a good thing, it was time. He's brought so much more healing, He's provided a job for me that I absolutely love, he's allowed me to add to my friendships with some great people I get to work with each day. He has allowed my heart to continue to mend by giving me tons of children to love on,  their sweet love and hugs are the best band-aids.
I hesitate to mention (only because I don't want to jinx it) but here goes  - God has brought joy and laughter and hope to me through a someone. 😊 As I type those words-my smile couldn't be any bigger. Laughter comes easier, days are brighter, and it's easier to look forward instead of back. Thank you.
The kids couldn't be better. Jake continues to grow upward instead of out. His sweet girlfriend has changed him for the better in some areas. He still takes out all his anger on his mom but that's ok-I'm all he has to do that on and I've been told that one day, one day he will come around and love his mama for it. Fingers crossed and prayers said.
Sam is Sam. My middle one-the one who strives to do the right thing. I hold my breath because with growth changes happen. 13 in February. He's not like his brother and hope that holds true through the changes. He makes me laugh daily, still loves his mama. Y'all his heart-his heart reminds me of his dads. Good thing, very good thing.
Molls-her growth stops me in my tracks. She is a 19 year old in a 9 year old body. She needs to stop growing.  Her smile continues to be infectious. She's my lil bestie and continues to want to stay under her mamas wing. I'm good with that because soon, like her brothers, she'll be wanting to leave my nest.
My 3 are the reason I get up, the reason I cry, and reason for my heart to continue to break and mend all at the same time. I love them with my whole being.
As 2015 has brought change, more healing and lots of joy I have to hope that 2016 brings more of the same. I continue to be thankful for what I've been through because it's given me a perspective that most don't have. It helps me appreciate people and feelings, appreciate time, and moments. All the yuck has helped me to appreciate how fast things can change and how precious people are. Learning through all this just how sweet grace and mercy truly are.
As you close out 2015 and you look back -my hope is that whatever has happened, good or bad, your perspective has been changed. That you can learn from what's happened and use it. My prayer is that 2016 is even better than the last. That God continues to plan out our days according to His will. That He continues to heal us, use us for His Glory and let others see Him through us.
Thanking Him for so much, for laughter, joy, time, new people, new experiences.
Closing out yet another year and opening up what a new one has.
Blessings to you and yours.
Happiest of New Years!


Monday, December 7, 2015

Different, Strange and Good

This year, as the Christmas season has hit me square in the gut, I've realized things being different aren't always bad. Don't get me wrong, I've struggled and complained about less time to shop, less time to decorate, less time to enjoy,  just less of everything . Working full-time has allowed me to, once again, change my perspective of life and all things involved. While I do miss the time to think and shop and just be in the season I've realized that with or without time or the most perfect gifts Christmas will still arrive even if DeAnn is ready or not. As Ive listened to our 3 year olds bible story for the past few days, I've heard Mrs. Edwards remind our  11 princesses and have them echo, "Christmas is a birthday. Who's birthday? JESUS!" When they say it they say it with gusto and excitement. Just as it should be said. Clearly a reminder of how excited believers should be about this day and not the gifts, the decorations, attempting to make it all perfect. Every. Year. I struggle with being letdown because I didn't decorate as I use too, my house wasn't as clean as I'd like for it to be when company comes over, I didn't buy the perfect gifts, I didn't get my Christmas cards sent to everyone on my list. Im sure this year will be no different--Ill still have regrets, I'll still feel like I slighted someone or something.
Then there's that perspective thing. As time is scarce and things are different I'm finding that things just don't matter. As I look at my garland that decorates my mantel and see that half of the lights are not burning (literally half the garland is lit) and this is clearly not a Pinterest decor worthy mantel...I just don't care. The other half is still beautiful and in the grand scheme just doesn't matter really. Yea, yea-I may get around to fixing or adding lights then again I may not. As my shopping is more online than actually physically picking things out I'm discovering again, that it just doesn't matter-the thought is still there, time spent doing it and the same love for the person. My house is never as clean as I'd like it to be, my tree is not magazine worthy, and my b'fast casserole will probably be a lil dry again,  but this year, as the last 5ish, have all been very different. Making me realize that different is not always bad. Different changes perspective, different can be actually very good. Different is remembering this is all about the King of Kings BIRTHDAY. The very man we celebrate this time of year was very very different. Different in such a good way.
This year, whatever is different in your life, take a moment to embrace what that is. If it's the absence of someone, if it's different living arrangements, if it's a new work schedule-try to see different as good and different as a time to grow. Hard? Yes!! Just know that nothing good ever stays the same. Embrace the changes, strangeness and differences around you. Let the changes and differences surrounding you change you...for the better. Merry Christmas and remember -"Christmas is a birthday. Who's birthday? JESUS!"
Happy Birthday Jesus and thank you for being different and loving us differently.