Good Grief

Good Grief

Saturday, August 27, 2011


So last night I was able to experience a great night.  I was able to attend the premier of a movie.  The night included me getting dressed up, time with some GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL  company, a "red carpet" experience, meeting new people, great food and the A-T-L.  Nope, it wasn't a Hollywood premier but great fun all the same, minus the glitz and glam.  I was able to attend the premier of "Courageous."  I HIGHLY recommend seeing this movie when it comes out at the end of September.  This movie is from the creators of Facing the Giants and Fireproof.  I really enjoyed this movie.  I won't go into the details of the movie but will say that all daddy's need to see it.  I had been forewarned that there was a death in this movie so that it may be somewhat hard to watch.  It was a little hard, and I did cry, along with so many others in the theater, but it really wasn't from experiencing pain from memories of Shane's passing, I cried mostly from happiness at something that I so related to.  Luckily, I was blessed to be sent home with several books, one which was Courageous by Randy Alcorn.  I was thinking about the scene in the movie that touched me the most so started searching in the book to see if I could find the conversation.  I did, page 131.  It was the scene where one of the characters that experienced loss was talking with his pastor.   Here is an excerpt: 

Adam:  "How are you suppose to heal when you lose someone you love?"
Pastor: " I've heard it said it's like learning to live with an amputation.  You do heal, but you're never the same.  But those who go through this and trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience.  Now, you've got to give yourself time to grieve.  But you also need to make efforts to move forward with your life."

These words could not be more true.  For anyone that has lost someone they loved it is like losing part of yourself.  Its coming up on 17 months and I feel I have allowed myself to grieve and continue to do so. Grief doesn't have a time table and its different for everyone.  I think grieving is different for those of us that find hope in Christ as well.  I feel that when you know where your loved one is, that your loved one is where they are suppose to be and know that God is in control of everything, that grieving process can and is a little easier, if I can even put those words in the same sentence.  When the tears started during the movie last night is was at the place the pastor said that those of us that trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others  never experience.  I think I was crying from pure joy of that statement being so true.  In the moment, 17months ago,  I would have changed things, but now as I get to look back and see the magnificent happenings that God had planned out I get to see His ways and love so different than others.  No, I don't think everyone should have to experience losing someone to get that intimacy with God, but know that those that choose to trust in Him will get to experience His love like never ever before or again.  His comfort is real, sometimes tangible, sometimes miraculous and sometimes so obvious and at others not-so-obvious.  His love is sustaining, like a drink of living water for a parched soul. I've said it so many times before, I am thankful for the hurt and pain and the total dependency on my Father because otherwise I would never have gotten to the place of complete and total, falling-in-love-with my Savior experience. 

Yes, I am still grieving, but in different ways now.  Tears don't flow quiet as easily now, the pain is not as sharp as it once was. It still hits me in the strangest of ways.  Things like being stopped by a passing funeral procession just 4 days ago, brought the sharp pain back to the surface again. Or how a simple First Aid class instructor talking about "death breaths" made me want to run out of the room to escape certain memories.   In experiencing that surge of pain, I was able to think back on how God carried me on the day of Shane's death and funeral, how it was almost surreal how He loved me through it.  The memories will always be there, the pain will continue even when not so deep and jagged, the pain will always be a reminder of what Jesus endured for me, of how He continues to love me, how He has carried me through so much and continues to do so. The grief is good....hence the title of this blog.  Good in a way that I almost can't explain, it will always be instrumental in who I am from now on, how I feel  and love my Father, how I love my children and how I love others and how I may glorify my Father.   Its instrumental in how I find joy, peace, happiness and comfort in God.  When Shane was first diagnosed my sweet friend LG shared a verse with me that still inspires me and pushes me forward.  On the days the pain resurfaces I just repeat it over and over in my head which gives me strength.  Here it is, hope you find courage through it as well, very simple words but powerful...

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Neh 8:10

Ironically, my upcoming bible study that I attend is going to be covering Nehemiah. Knowing I am going to find so much more strength in the Lords joy. 

Friday, August 19, 2011

Being Loved Through It

This morning I was checking FaceBook and saw where a mutual friend had posted a video on my friend Buffey's wall.  For those of you that don't know Buffey she is fighting a recurrence of cervical cancer.  She will find out today results of a PET scan that she just had. It upsets me, angers me and devastates me to watch Buffey going through this. My heart hurts for her constantly. She is a single mom with 2 young children.  I have been with her, but not as much as I should have been.  I know she understands that going through it is still a little raw for me, but she has been completely understanding and I am so thankful for that.  I am determined to love her through it, no matter if I am with her, or just watching and praying from the side lines.  From experience, even though I was not the one fighting this stinking disease, being loved through it by so many is really the only way to get through it.  So this video is dedicated to Buffey, to my family and friends that loved me & Shane through it, and for all of those that fought and won, those that are still fighting and to all of those (and there are many) loving someone through the fight. Turn off my playlist and listen to this song.  Amazing.

I love you Buffey and so many others do too!  We are determined to love you through it girl.  Lean on us.  

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

God's obviousness-not sure if thats a word either, just work with me.

Bear with me on this-blogging from my iphone so not sure how it may come out. The kids and I came over to Shane's parents house for a last lil summer hurah, reason for iphone posting. I was enjoying the morning watching the kids sleep, listening to them breathe, their sweet faces when I received a text from my sister, Robin. It said something like "pray for Shannon, found out last night that she wasnt invited to a little spend the night party. Wouldnt have bothered her so much because she hasnt had much contact with these girls. One girl thought it would be fun to call Shannon and let her know she was missing out on all the fun." Teenage girls can be so dang mean!!! I have left out some of the things my dear sister said she would like to do to this little girl, cause, well, just wasnt real nice. Haha! I texted back that obviously S didnt need these girls as "friends" sent a prayer asking God to bless S with new friends at her new school, to let S know that God loves her and thats really all that matters. Prayed for the little mean girls heart to be changed and if it wasnt then to remove her from S's life. Told Robin to tell Shannon that i remember being "left out" a few times and it was usually for the good of me and in the grand scheme it doesnt really matter. R said her and Jamie both shared heartbreak stories and told S that sometimes thats the way God weeds out people in our lives. Robin then text me and said, "wouldnt you know it, i open up my Priscilla Shirer bible study and todays is on being left out of a party!" "I almost laughed at how stinkin' obvious God is sometimes!" I did laugh out loud, cause God is good like that. Our sweet Father knew my sisters heart was probably breaking more for her sweet daughter than Shannon's was for being left out, so He sends confirmation to my almost 50 year old sister through a bible study. Confirmation that we don't have to seek Him hard, He's sometimes so "there" that its laughable. He is so there in even the smallest of things so its apparent He is in the big things.
You probably are all a little tired of my "rainbow" stories but here's another one. Some things have been happening in my life, good things, but still sometimes doubt and uncertainity will creep in. I know God is in everything thats happening for many "obvious" reasons but sometimes you just need a little reassurance. Last Thursday was one of those days, nervousness, uneasiness was creepimg in. Then, my mom called and said go outside, i did and there it was...a rainbow. The colors were vibrant and clear as if God wrote in the sky, that all was well. So obvious!! I know, I know, I don't need signs and wonders from God to know He is there, but I tend to think that this is His love letters, confirmations to me from Him. I haven't experienced a rainbow in months, so I feel this was His obvious love letter to me telling me Yes, DeAnn all is well and it is good!" He is pretty stinkin' obvious sometimes and that brings me wonderful, fabulous, God given joy. I love you God when you are so obvious in your love, teachings and confirmations. You are so awesome!!