Courageous

So last night I was able to experience a great night.  I was able to attend the premier of a movie.  The night included me getting dressed up, time with some GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL  company, a "red carpet" experience, meeting new people, great food and the A-T-L.  Nope, it wasn't a Hollywood premier but great fun all the same, minus the glitz and glam.  I was able to attend the premier of "Courageous."  I HIGHLY recommend seeing this movie when it comes out at the end of September.  This movie is from the creators of Facing the Giants and Fireproof.  I really enjoyed this movie.  I won't go into the details of the movie but will say that all daddy's need to see it.  I had been forewarned that there was a death in this movie so that it may be somewhat hard to watch.  It was a little hard, and I did cry, along with so many others in the theater, but it really wasn't from experiencing pain from memories of Shane's passing, I cried mostly from happiness at something that I so related to.  Luckily, I was blessed to be sent home with several books, one which was Courageous by Randy Alcorn.  I was thinking about the scene in the movie that touched me the most so started searching in the book to see if I could find the conversation.  I did, page 131.  It was the scene where one of the characters that experienced loss was talking with his pastor.   Here is an excerpt: 

Adam:  "How are you suppose to heal when you lose someone you love?"
Pastor: " I've heard it said it's like learning to live with an amputation.  You do heal, but you're never the same.  But those who go through this and trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience.  Now, you've got to give yourself time to grieve.  But you also need to make efforts to move forward with your life."

These words could not be more true.  For anyone that has lost someone they loved it is like losing part of yourself.  Its coming up on 17 months and I feel I have allowed myself to grieve and continue to do so. Grief doesn't have a time table and its different for everyone.  I think grieving is different for those of us that find hope in Christ as well.  I feel that when you know where your loved one is, that your loved one is where they are suppose to be and know that God is in control of everything, that grieving process can and is a little easier, if I can even put those words in the same sentence.  When the tears started during the movie last night is was at the place the pastor said that those of us that trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others  never experience.  I think I was crying from pure joy of that statement being so true.  In the moment, 17months ago,  I would have changed things, but now as I get to look back and see the magnificent happenings that God had planned out I get to see His ways and love so different than others.  No, I don't think everyone should have to experience losing someone to get that intimacy with God, but know that those that choose to trust in Him will get to experience His love like never ever before or again.  His comfort is real, sometimes tangible, sometimes miraculous and sometimes so obvious and at others not-so-obvious.  His love is sustaining, like a drink of living water for a parched soul. I've said it so many times before, I am thankful for the hurt and pain and the total dependency on my Father because otherwise I would never have gotten to the place of complete and total, falling-in-love-with my Savior experience. 

Yes, I am still grieving, but in different ways now.  Tears don't flow quiet as easily now, the pain is not as sharp as it once was. It still hits me in the strangest of ways.  Things like being stopped by a passing funeral procession just 4 days ago, brought the sharp pain back to the surface again. Or how a simple First Aid class instructor talking about "death breaths" made me want to run out of the room to escape certain memories.   In experiencing that surge of pain, I was able to think back on how God carried me on the day of Shane's death and funeral, how it was almost surreal how He loved me through it.  The memories will always be there, the pain will continue even when not so deep and jagged, the pain will always be a reminder of what Jesus endured for me, of how He continues to love me, how He has carried me through so much and continues to do so. The grief is good....hence the title of this blog.  Good in a way that I almost can't explain, it will always be instrumental in who I am from now on, how I feel  and love my Father, how I love my children and how I love others and how I may glorify my Father.   Its instrumental in how I find joy, peace, happiness and comfort in God.  When Shane was first diagnosed my sweet friend LG shared a verse with me that still inspires me and pushes me forward.  On the days the pain resurfaces I just repeat it over and over in my head which gives me strength.  Here it is, hope you find courage through it as well, very simple words but powerful...

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Neh 8:10

Ironically, my upcoming bible study that I attend is going to be covering Nehemiah. Knowing I am going to find so much more strength in the Lords joy.