Good Grief

Good Grief

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Call

I was just reading a gentleman's blog the other day titled "How to Lose your Blog following" and well, I think I have done everything right on how to lose the small following that I had.  The best way is to not blog regularly.  I could give a ton of excuses of why I haven't blogged-kids, school, kids, kids, but its not just that.  Just haven't had lots to blog about. I have felt since I started blogging that this, was in a way, a journal for me and my kids.  I am well aware of the fact that they may never want to rehash the feelings that we felt this past year with the passing of Shane but its here, nevertheless.  Also, I have had so many people tell me that, no, they don't comment, but that they continually find inspiration from what I write.  So for those that find a little inspiration I will try and do better with putting my thoughts into blogging. 

Seems like I have wrote about this once before about the feeling of discontent and well, I have that feeling again.  Call it summertime, schedule is off, kids are crazy wild, still getting use to the change of being a single mom (not my choice,) and just the ugliness of the world right now.  Seems every time I turn around someone is getting some kind of bad news of some kind. I guess the biggest feeling of discontent comes from the feeling that I still don't know what I am suppose to do with what I have been given.  I am still bound and determined to not waste Shane's cancer and homegoing.  He made it clear that it was not to be wasted.  However, the discontentment seems to hinder me.  I will have my mind set to do this, and think, ' no its too soon, or no you're not ready.'  Then I think, 'well I am going back to my old mindset of I am in control and I will do what I think is right,' instead of the Christian mindset of waiting to see what my Father wants for me. 

All this brings me to the title of this blog...The call.  No, no, I don't feel like I have been "called" into the ministry- that was Shane's, however I picked up my Papa Stanley(referred to for remaining post as *PS) devotional tonight and that is what it is on, the call.  I will try to write this out to where it doesn't sound like mumbo jumbo so bare with me, cause there is alot going on in my heart and mind that needs to come out.  Yes, I was saved at an early age, or not so early, age of 10ish.  Never forget it, I was a little shy so I didn't ask anyone to pray the sinners prayer with me but remember it like it was yesterday.  I was in my Sunday School class with my Sunday school teacher, Mrs. McCullough (still think the woman has wings and don't think she will ever know what she did for this pre-teen.) I remember it was summertime and the metal chairs were cool, at the end of class we prayed and I remember asking my Savior to come into my heart at that moment.  No, I didn't feel a miraculous change right then, nor did I go on to live a sinless life.  However, I did keep my eye on Jesus and tried to live a good life.  Unfortunately, getting older, teens, 20's and even in to my 30's I see now where I had my life planned according to DeAnn's plans and God was just a part of it.  He wasn't the main part, part of the part, but just part.  I went through the ebbs and flows of the Christian life as most of us do.  Tragic.  *PS explains that the first call we get is Called to Salvation-when He reaches out to establish a relationship with us.  Thank God I heard that call loud and clear in a cement walled Sunday School room.  He reached out and I heard it and took it.  Can't say I really did anything with right then, but Hallelujah I got that call. 

Which leads me to the next call that Papa explains as the Call of Sanctification-big word with bigger meaning.  *PS explains that sanctification = holiness.  He states that, "it sets us apart for His purpose."  He explains that this begins at the moment of Salvation and continues until our physical death, it does require a commitment from us.  Even though it began at the moment I prayed that prayer I don't think I actually "got" sanctified until I committed to His way a few years ago.  Oh how I have questioned His sanctification and how I have assuredly felt "set apart for His purpose."  No, still don't like it most days but know that my, now verse for life is a promise.... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11 (just received a shirt with this verse today from a sweet friend.)  *PS stated that sanctification  is not a perfect life but one that is bent on righteousness and obedience. I can say a loud AMEN to that...not a perfect life, but pray that I will be obedient. 
Lastly, *PS ends with the last calling...Called to Service.  I think I am seeing the bigger picture and see where some of my discontent is coming from.  While I know that sanctification is an ongoing process and part of Christian growth, I can honestly say I know firsthand what being sanctified means in the Christian walk.  I think now I am somewhere knowing what that is and I am now hearing that call to serve loud and clear.  Problem is, I don't know what that looks like or feels like.  Honestly, I am so much a Mary that I truly long to just sit at Jesus' feet and soak it all up, I have never really had that servants heart mentality like sister Trace received my dose and a few others I think.   I would rather let someone else do the serving while I am enjoying seeing what He is doing, searching for rainbows, if you will.  I am not saying being a Mary is a bad thing, I think I am just starting to see how important Martha's are too.  I always thought Martha's were just too busy to really see Jesus.  There has got to be a balance somewhere.  It is my goal to find that balance.  I want to serve in a way that will bring Honor and Glory to the One who so deserves it.   I truly feel blessed to be in this place of discontentment and glad that it is because of a walk with Christ.  So thankful that I have decided that its not DeAnn's world and God is just a part of it, instead He is my world.  Praising Him for calling me many years ago, thankful that I finally know what the word sanctification really means and thankful that I now know I have to get off my "Mary" fannie, cause I just received the call to serve, even though I don't know what or how, but I got the call and I don't think there is a decline button for this one. However, the HOLD button may be used until I know exactly what I am to do for HIM. As my favorite journal is called....Jesus is calling, are you answering???