If I haven't said "Good Grief" a million times this week I've said it 2 million. Our family of 4 is currently getting in to the swing of summer. Some "good grief" moments are as follows: staying up till after midnight, waking up at 11, yes i said 11-yep almost 44 years old and i can still sleep like a teenager-definitely a good grief moment. The amount of food 3 children can eat. The mess that 3 children can make and the amount of trash a family of 4 can produce. The amount of laundry there is, the times one mother can say put your wet bathing suits on the side of the tub, and yet still find them in a wet pile on the floor. The times one 6 year old can say "Mom, Mommy, mother, deedee." The amount of times i have to tell them to wait for the sunscreen to dry and the amount of times i have to tell them to not jump close to the edge of the pool. The amount of times this mom has said 'don't talk to me when I am ordering in the drive-thru' or 'turn the tv down none of us are that hard of hearing.' The times i have told my oldest to slow-down on the 4-wheeler, and turn the x-box off so the others can watch Good Luck Charlie. The times I have to say "I tried to tell you." The times this mom sinks into myself and wants to wrap her young ones into her arms and whisper, "I am sorry that God chose this path for us. I'm sorry that your young lives have been tainted by cancer, by death, by evil." That may just be the biggest "good grief" moment for me.
Had an incident happen this week that made me realize that this mama is still harboring some major anger over the plot that is our lives. Not sure who or what this mama is angry at but know that it will be dealt with much prayer, and work. So this week a "good grief" moment is when I am in a heap of tears saying to several in my life..."Its not right, he needs his daddy." Yes, the man-child that is 5 inches shy of 6 ft, deep voiced, shaving son of mine needs his daddy and I am one pissed mama. I am beginning to see some things in his life that have been damaged hopefully not beyond repair. Just a few... confidence, motivation, stability. Some pretty big issues for a man-child. This age is so unsettled anyway plus take away these things and its just disastrous. My heart hurts for all of my 3 and the loss they have endured but most for J. He is the one that had the longest relationship with his daddy, his daddy was his everything, the one he waited for daily to arrive home. The one he constantly took shelter under his daddy's arm and on his daddy's chest every weekend of the "camp-outs." The one that had his daddy always coaching him on and off the field. The one that spent endless hours just daddy and son outside while the others were too little. I knew that this would probably have the most negative effect on him, he was a mere 10 when he witnessed the one he saw as strength grow weaker and weaker. He was a mere 10 when he awoke to his mom telling him his daddy was gone. He was a mere 10 when he took his place behind his daddy's casket to walk out of his daddy's service and a mere 10 when he helped carry his daddy's casket to his grave. 10, TEN, X. The boy has lived a life time in just a few short years. They all have, but for a child trying to manage to find his place in the world, for one who is still a child in a young man's body, for a boy that gave up his passion because his daddy was not longer there to help coach him on the diamond. A boy that lost all confidence in who is is. For a boy that chooses video games and music to escape...losing your daddy sucks. No other word to explain it.
This week when I realized my anger I had some time with just him, about the only time he will actually talk to me is when we are alone. 13 is HARD!!!! I asked him if he thought he was still angry about his daddy passing. His reply, "No mom, its just life, I know I will see him again. I am angry at some things that daddy had worked out for us that hasn't worked out though." My boy carries the weight of the world on his almost 6 ft shoulders. He would never let on but I think he worries about the well-being of our family of 4. His daddy not knowing how this child would take to heart these words, whispered to him one day between labored breaths- "buddy, you will be the man of the house- take care of mama and Sam and molly." I've come to the realization that on the days he is most disrespectful to me, the days I mark it up to hormones, it may not be hormones at all. It may be that he is mad at me, because i was the one that was left to raise them. Maybe he sometimes wonders why it wasn't me instead of his daddy. A boy, after all, needs his daddy.
I've also "good griefed" myself to death thinking i have totally dropped the ball with him, that I have failed him miserably the past few years, not only him but the other 2 as well. That I haven't been the mom I needed to be which makes me angry yet again. If I wasn't having to do this on my own, maybe I could be the mom I was intended and desire to be. Instead, I am frazzled, drained, short-tempered, and I let things slide. Now, I am seeing the fruits of my frazzled ball dropping. I had someone tell me that God obviously thought I could do this, for He chose me to be the single-mom of three. I beg to differ on most days. I have so many times thrown my hands up in the shower and cried, "I can't do this! Why have you chose this for me?" Was also reminded this week I am doing the best I can do, but Ive realized it hasn't been good enough for my 3. I haven't pushed them to be and do their best, I haven't motivated them. But how does one do that for a child that has experienced maybe the worst thing a child can go through...losing a parent?!! I've let things slide because I thought they'd been through too much, especially the oldest. I still think they all have, and I continually ask for a break for all of them and for me. I know things happen in their lives to mark out and shape them into the men and the woman that God intends for them to be. But I have to wonder how much they can take before totally rebelling against the ONE who loves them. Needless to say, you can see why I have "GOOD GRIEFED" my fool self to death.
These 3 are my true blessings in life and I certainly don't want to mess up what God has loaned to me. My prayer is for God to equip me in the "good grief" moments, to equip me to be the best mom I can be in the situation we are in and to help me guide my 3 to make good choices, to help me motivate them to be all they can be and most importantly to help me show them Jesus in our day to day living. The anger will eventually subside, the hurt never will, but I know God knows our hearts and will continue to navigate our lives. I pray the other 2 learn from their brother and I and that all these "good grief" moments will propel them into God's strong, unwavering arms. That their adversities, trials and sufferings will make them men/woman of GOD, that they will use their life story to direct others to HIM. In the meantime, some prayers for the Richardson's are always appreciated. Raising a teenage boy without a strong hand and some male hormones around is gonna be tough. GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!