Good Grief

Good Grief

Friday, February 13, 2015

An Open Letter to Shane

Open Letter to Shane

Apparently "open letters" are the in thing these days. I constantly see "open letters" on social media. Also, just read an article from a grief site that says a letter to the loved one you miss this Valentines is healing and I'm all about some healing, so here goes::::


Well, celebrating our 5th Valentines separate....again and 5 years later it still stinks. Every year when this 14th day of February rolls around I think about one of the sweetest things you ever did for me. Molly and I, and maybe Sam, joined you at Chick-fil-A for lunch. Being hands on parents and busy that was about as romantic a place we could eat:) Anyway, we were almost finished eating when 2 gentleman (one longtime friend and one friend/neighbor) and a 3rd man walked up dressed in tuxedos. Come to find out they were a barbershop quartet. They started serenading me. I'll have to get Danny or Tony to remind me of the sweet song. You had arranged for them to show up and sing to me, present me with a rose. Priceless, sweet moment you provided for me. Another sweet romantic moment I remember was when I was expecting Molls and we were at the beach at our favorite Italian restaurant. We were celebrating our 10 year anniversary. You and Sam went to the bathroom and when you came back 3 year old Sam said something like, "mama got a new ring." You laughed your infamous laugh that I miss SO MUCH and looked at me like you didn't have a clue what he just said. In a few minutes our waiter brought me a piece of cheesecake with...what else...a new ring stuck on top. You had picked it out and purchased all by yourself an anniversary ring for me. 3 diamonds-"past-present and future"--or as you said "Jake, Sam and soon to be Molly." Loved that moment. First because it was my first diamonds from you, because my engagement ring was an emerald. Second, because you did this by yourself, and thought of our past-present-future and our 3 children. That thought and gesture encompassed all that was the most important to you. You, me and our three. Priceless, romantic but most of all the fact that you adored me and our three. You were never selfish. You only asked for small moments of just you and me. You willingly and lovingly allowed me to put the kids before us. You never felt slighted, never jealous of my time I devoted to our children.  Maybe that's one of my regrets. We did carve out us time, but now, knowing what I know now-I would have carved out so much more of just me and you time. What I wouldn't give for a quick lunch date, a night to dress up for cotillion, a Valentine's date, a night of just watching a movie together, just you and me. Instead, my days are filled with loving our 3. Knowing that's exactly what you'd want me to do. Sometimes it's unrequited love, especially by the almost 15 year old. However, I think they know my love for them overflows from the love we shared. My hope is that they remember and know the love we had/have for each other and that they will never settle for anything less than that. Never settle for someone that doesn't love with their WHOLE heart, whole being. Like we did. Though you are no longer here, your love is felt, shared. So as Molly and I were driving back from dropping the boys off at school (donuts with dad equals hang-out with mom for m-another open letter sometime) I looked up and saw clouds that looked like lips-and I had to wonder if you or God had sent me a kiss emoji??!! Because I know you both love me and you both know I need sweet reminders of the love you and I shared.

So while I often say Valentines day is wayyyy overrated-today I'm thankful for a day that I have an excuse to write a letter to you, an "open letter."
I'm also thankful that I know without a physical husband-I still  have a "lover of my soul" and that is my Savior. So the "kiss" emoji is considered a reminder that I was loved by you in a way most may never know and that I'm loved by the One that created love, sacrificed in the name of love. Thankful. Blessed. Loved. Healing. 💋💋

Miss you,
Love you more,


PS-that hug you wanted me to have that you shared in a dream with H-I received it Saturday night from her. I also dreamt of you last week--you were walking toward me-my heart jumped like it  always did when I saw you. Then I woke up and remembered. DangIt.