Hope everyone is settling in to school routine well. Me? Not so much. I've never liked school starting back when I was a kid and especially when my kids go back. I like having my kids around. Even more so now-since doing the single-mom thing. It's left to me to push them into bed, pray with/for them, wake them up, remind them to brush teeth, deodorant, fix lunches, push them out the door, pick them up, drive to practice, games, homework(worst of all), cook supper, clean up plus all the other mom/dad duties. Hats off to all single mom/dads raising kids. More power to ya!!! Summer still calls for mom/dad duties minus homework (worst of all), practices, plus we get to add in pool time, so fixing lunches for that is not a chore. I get depressed this time of year, I like having my chick-a-dees in my nest. When school starts every year its sort of like empty nest prematurely. Will be really bad when they really leave. I find comfort in having them around me, even when they are on my last nerve. Ive often thought about packing us 4 up and moving to Bora Bora, Costa Rica or somewhere and make our nest one of those sweet little bungalows right on the water. I could so see us sleeping in till noon, doing a little school work, learning lots of marine biology...oops sorry, started daydreaming just like i use to in school. Adult ADD I guess-where's my to-do list?
Since experiencing such loss we are closer now. Our family unit went from being the norm to the not so normal, yes 5 down to 4, but even more than just 1less person. I've read somewhere when a family experiences loss they then form a different unit, one for survival. That's where we are, me and my 3. Surviving. I told someone the other day that I promised myself to try and protect JSM from experiencing pain again like they've already experienced. I so wished that I could have protected myself and them of the pain we've endured. I also wished I could say that they are like anyone else their age. But they are not. They've lived through so much more than others their age have had to, even more than what I experienced as a child. So while they are not normal they are extremely special. They were put in this place not by choice but by circumstance. So instead I'm thankful-thankful that they are not normal, but special. Thankful that they have experienced seeing their mom beyond broken, but seeking Jesus. Thankful that they know how to comfort me, even today,when things are not going as planned. How they know just what to say and do to get through bad times. Thankful that this mom can seek comfort from a 12, 9 and 5 year old and thankful they see me seeking comfort from my Heavenly Father. I pray that when (and if) they finally leave the nest that they remember how we found comfort from each other in some of our darkest times. I pray that they will remember me being loving but firm, serious but fun, laughing through tears. I pray they remember their mom retreating to bed with her bible in hand ready to dig deep on days she needed her Savior more than ever. I pray the boys will know that I tried to teach them how to love and honor the woman they love even though they will not remember their dad treating their mom that way. That they remember decisions i made was not just about me but about them as well. That i always wanted what was best for the 3 of them before what was best for me. I pray my girl will know how my heart hurt so that her daddy would never see her dance on stage or be able to walk her down the isle and look in her sweet eyes and tell her how much he loves her. I pray J&S will remember how mom celebrated arm pit hair, feet bigger than hers and all things puberty, even when I want to cry cause my boys are growing up. I pray Miss M will remember how she said many times, as recent as 2 days ago, "mama, I will always take care of you even when you are old" while wiping my tears away. I pray they remember how this year I started holding their sweet head in my hands and prayed for them,each, individually before walking out to go to school. I pray they remember me praying. I pray that they will be thankful for the brutal pain they have endured and they will use it when they are older. I pray they will remember how short life can be, they live it to the fullest. I pray they learn to love others as Christ loves us. Praying they remember how so many prayed for us and they were sustained by those prayers even 2+ years later. Praying they saw mom draw her strength from Jesus,how i found comfort in the three of them but mostly in God's word and presence. Finally, I pray that once they leave the nest that they will bless me with sweet grand kids and bring them to my nest in Bora Bora, and not forget to take those sweet grand kids home when it's time to leave.;). Is it any wonder that I still can not read Are You My Mother without crying?? Can't even talk about the Kissing Hand without becoming a total mess. School stinks!!!