This post is a biggie. I had the privilege of hearing a powerful,bold testimony from a fellow past church member. The whole night was titled "Transformed." Her testimony was of course, about the transformation that Gods love has had on her life. Without giving her testimony here in my blog I will say it got to me. As I listened to the way her transformation has affected/effected (never know how to use that one right) I became uncomfortable. As I listened I can recall times in my life that I've also felt the changes of His love-a transformation of sorts. When she spoke of how her prayer life had changed, her time in the Word had changed, her way of doing her job, her music she listened too had changed I could remember times like that as well. Key words---times like that. Another thing she spoke about was her passion had changed. Her passion use to be her job/sport but now it's Jesus Christ. I remember having that passion as well. Remember. Hearing that made me realize, this ones big, that I've lost my passion for Christ. This is usually the time of year that I feel most close to Him. As I remember His walk, for me, to the cross. As I remember what He did for me. This year is no different in me remembering, it's just this year, my passion, my zeal is gone. Why?? I'm not really sure. As I woke up at 3am this morning with all of this in my heart I had a sinking feeling and then a verse came to me. We all know it, and at times it's brought true comfort to me. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Ps34:18 as I thought about this verse and tried to pray about it I was thinking about these words, if He is close to the brokenhearted then why does He feel so far away?? Am I brokenhearted??? Yep, on a daily basis. Is my spirit crushed? You betcha-in more ways than one. So if those answers are yes then why? Why does He feel so far away?? Of course we all know that answer. It breaks my heart to admit it-but it's me. It's me that's holding Him, my Savior, at arms length. It's me that's pushed Him away. Why is this? Why have I done this and how did let myself get here?? Here comes the reason for this blog title. My only thing that I can come up with is the Nesses in my life (some of these are so grammatically wrong, not even words but stick with me here)..bitterness, brokenness, angry-ness, tiredness, sinfulness, loneliness, prayerlessness, churchlessness, busyness, stubbornness, anxiousness, the list goes on. I know all this, I know that all of these things keep me from closeness with my Savior. These are the things that keep me passionless about my relationship with and for Him. How do I remedy all of these? Not sure-because they all go hand in hand. One feeds off the other. If I'm tired then I don't pray or read my bible, my anger and bitterness leads to a whole bunch more of Nesses in my life. Then all of these turn into guiltiness--guilty because I feel like I'm living a big fat lie. Guilty because others see me as "strong" "faithful" "making it." When really, I'm a MESS.
After the crowd was thinning I spoke with a friend that has some heavy stuff going on. Second time around of yuck in her life. As we spoke she said, "Girl, you're just stronger than me." I had to admit, as I sat down for this one, that no-I wasn't. I admitted that I was bitter, tired and didn't even feel like going to church. Hard to admit when someone just paid you a huge compliment about being strong. Hard to admit that I am as beat down as she is. Maybe moreso. Then I try to cover it all up with a smile and 'I'm good.' Think we both had a feeling of -seriously?? It's hard to admit when others think you have it together when you really can't remember the last time you just sat down and had a heart to heart with Father. Yes, I still pray throughout the day, about this and that-but to actually remember when I sat down in true communion with my Father has been a really long time. When was the last time my arms didn't feel so heavy during worship that I couldn't raise my hands in pure adoration? When was the last time that I could wait to dive into the Word and not stop reading? When? All of this feels like I am writing the biggest confession. Is it? Yes. Judge me if you want, pray for me please. I'm tired of the Nesses that keep me separated from the One who saved me. Can I put my finger on the exact reason for all the Nesses in my life?? Yes...LIFE. Do I want to revive my passion? Do I want that sweet time with Father again? Do I desire with my innermost being to have encounters with my Savior as I did 4 years ago?? Yes! Yes! Yes! I told my friend that I still think God had me where I am for me to figure out that HE IS ALL I NEED!! She responded with, "but it is so hard." Yes girlfriend it is so hard-I struggle every day. Hoping and praying that this confession of sorts is the beginning of that realization. That my passion is revived. My Nesses fade away day by day, hour by hour. Loving that I have hope and loving knowing He is close to me even when the Nesses keep me far from Him. Judge me if you will but I would prefer your prayers instead. Best part of all this...SUNDAY IS COMING.