Good Grief

Good Grief

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Very Thin Line Between Pain and Happiness

Been a while since blogging-been a little busy-no rest for the weary. Seems this single mom of 3 has a bit of a problem with time management. Between science fair projects, baseball, a very demanding 5 year old daughter and go ahead and laugh---an 8 hour a week job-this mom struggles.
Fortunately, there is someone else that occupies my mind & heart. I find myself using the quiet moments to think about him-those who know me best and love to give me a hard time call it "la-la" land. I have to admit "la-la" land is a wonderful place to be. Sometimes it's nice to forget all the things that need to be done, meals to be fixed, clothes to be washed. However, even in "la-la" land these things do not go away. And as happy as I am with the place God has me, and the next phase in life that is upon me, the pain of the occurrences that happened this time 2 years ago doesn't go away in "la-la" land. See what I mean with the title of this blog? How can I be so stinking happy and the pain be so real all at the same time? To make matters worse we just dealt with "Donuts with Dad" at M's school. Her sweet teachers were very sensitive to M and to me, asking me what was ok to include her in. She answered the questions concerning her daddy in present tense with such sweet right on target answers. We decided to forego the actual donuts with dad. Molly did great, me, however, did not. It wasn't about anything in particular just more about the sadness that that something so simple even had to be considered.It also made me extremely proud of M, and how she handled it all.

Crossing back over the line to happiness, the subject of my la-la state of mind lives out of town for now, had been here for a weekend and had headed home. On the way home from school recently J said, "I miss ___. But I feel funny saying that I miss another man besides dad." loved hearing him say he missed ___. Sounded good coming from the one that was against me ever finding happiness. He also shared that he had not felt secure for 2 years since his dad had been gone but felt secure when ___was around. See? That fine line again. So happy to see my kids feelings for this man aligning with mine. Seeing the wonderful things in him that i do, but also still painful to realize their dad is not here.

There are some really wonderful things happening for me and my 3, ironically, we are extremely happy during the time of year that last year found me wanting to sleep through. That fine line of being so happy that I can't even stand it to the memories of 2 years ago keeps popping up. For those of you that have dealt with a death of a loved one-does the stigma of the time of their passing ever go away? Does the rawness get better with time?

There may be a fine line between happiness and pain but I can't help but think that with God and a man that is so extremely patient, respectful, & understanding, that only time will be able to slowly erase that fine line. God totally knows me, knows my heart, knows my needs-He knows my children better than me, knows what they need. Even though there is pain associated with the next few months I feel sure that He will fill us up with the courage, peace and comfort that He filled us up with 2 years ago. He will continue to do this each year until the fine line is not as noticable, to where pain is not as raw. He will continue to be the salve for our wound. There will be a scar left behind but with that scar comes a story we can share of His goodness, His grace, His peace. For now, I will continue to be happy, ecstatic, overjoyed for God allowing me the opportunity to love again, I will be forever thankful that He chose ___for me and my children and chose me for him and his. I will allow the pain because I know He allowed this pain to bring glory to Him. This pain that is past and present is what makes me, J,S,M who we are today. So for now, I will be the talented tightrope performer, balancing ever so carefully on the line between happiness and pain.

Before I end-I'd like to wish my oldest the Happiest of Birthdays on March 2nd. Speaking of the fine line between happiness and pain...J you bring so much happiness and so much pain watching you grow into the young man that you are I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.

And in honor of one of my favorites that shares his birthday with J and fitting for this post --
"Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened."
Dr. Seuss