Good Grief

Good Grief

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Summer restlessness!

Summer and the  beach has come and gone, starting of school staring us in the face, another birthday for me. Restlessness is setting in. As much as I remind myself to stay in the moments of right now, the moments of life in a constantly changing state-little to big things- changes in schools, changes in jobs, changes in emotions, it's hard to not become restless and stay in the moment. I can talk a big talk to others when I say 'enjoy the here and now, take it all in, feel blessed for where you are,' I find it very hard for myself. I've fought anxiety for sometime now and I've learned to deal with it better as time goes by, however, the restlessness of life seems to feed the anxiety which reminds me that I'm not depending on the One that has proven before that He can calm it all for me. He can calm my runaway thoughts, my undue worry. If I let Him ordain each moment I can better live in the moment. 
I find myself wanting to hit the pause button on my 3's growth and aging. I feel like if I don't pause it that I will lose control and before I turn around again they will all be gone, grown and I'll have missed it. So as summer seems to be racing by at a faster pace than I'd like I want to just pause for a second and let God control my restlessness. It seems, though, when I sit for just a moment to collect my thoughts, reflect a bit, that is when the thoughts start spiraling out of control. ~ I haven't spent enough quality time with my 3, do I talk to them enough, am I being the mom I'm suppose to be, is my impatient self ruining our days, is sitting here writing my thoughts really what I should be doing when I should be re-doing Molly's room that I promised her we'd do this summer? 
 Am I giving my all to a relationship that means the world to me? Am I more of a burden than one that brings happiness? Am I enough? Will I always be enough?   I promised myself to do more for me this summer, to exercise, spend time with God in the early morning. I wasn't going to be so rushed as we are during the school year. I was going to get the house back in order before the chaos set in of single-momness set in. I've done none of this and summer is getting closer to over. ~ All these thoughts feeds the restlessness and then the guilt that follows makes it worse even still. 
I don't want to look back and have regrets and wishing for do-overs, I don't want to miss out on my 3 before they are grown and gone. I want to cherish every moment, every second, mundane to exciting, and soak it every bit in. I want to go from one season to the next knowing I did what I could and feel really good about it. How can I accomplish this? How do I not want more when graduations finally happen, when they drive out of my driveway packed for college,when my baby girl walks down the isle, when in time yet another in my life leaves earth? How can I know that it was all enough? Living  in the now is harder to do than say and I'm learning this too well. As I type this, this verse is all I hear-
"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

I'd like to start his sentence with a capitalized BUT, but if I do use that word BUT then that clearly shows that I don't believe what Jesus has said. How do I not worry about tomorrow, August 2nd the start of new schools, new school year,how do I not worry if I'm doing what I'm suppose to do? How do I not feel restless, how do I not want more time? How do I not want do-overs? I clearly don't know the answer to any of these questions or I wouldn't be writing this blog. 
Thankfully, when I write it out-it's out there, my words tend to hold me accountable, and I'm held accountable by those that read my thoughts, even though you have no idea that just by reading my thoughts you're actually holding me accountable. I'm praying and working on turning my restlessness into peace I can only find in the comfort of Jesus. I'm desiring for His love, that's held me together as I've felt I may fly apart before, will again and still hold me together again. I'm desiring for Him to slow my thoughts, calm my anxiety and help me to live for today and be thankful for today. To trust Him with my tomorrows-and whatever those tomorrow's hold. Thankful that I've lived and learned how He can and will hold me together when I can't do it on my own. Praying that I practice what I preach-and I live and love in the here and now, enjoy the big and small and trust Him with every second. And at the end--have no regrets. Restlessness...just be gone already

Friday, June 24, 2016


It's late Thursday night and my Beach Departure Depression has set in. Moreso than usual this time it seems. After many years of frequenting PCB, B.S(before Shane) and then starting back 6 years ago, I regretfully admit to never visiting Shell Island. This year we were able to do just that for an ALL day excursion. We loaded up everything we needed for a day at a secluded beach, even apprehension for those of us that like toilets and amenities of modernness  and such. We arrived on the bay side unpacked with all the kiddos help and set up for a day. I was told that there was a little pathway over to the ocean side. Little did I know that pathway lead me to an encounter with Gods creation like no other time. If you know me, then you know my love for the beach, how I feel closer to God, how I find peace and comfort in the massiveness of the water, the control of the tides, just everything. Today, as I dodged thorns and such on that skinny pathway, the excitement mounted the closer I got to the other side. I could hear the water-no other sounds, I could see the pure whiteness of the sand and then the bluest purest green water I'd ever seen. Gods best just waiting for me. Only a few people were there along with us and then they left so it was pretty secluded. I was able to just sit for a moment in the sand, face toward the sun and was able just to soak it all in. Every bit of it. I literally could have cried thinking about the similarities of the crossing over from a perfect place seated on the "bay" side down a thorny unsure pathway to what God really has to offer us in life. Yes, I would have been satisfied and just as comfy to have stayed at the waters edge and never have chosen to "see" what was on the other side. Thankfully, I chose to take that path of uncertainty and walk, one foot in front of the the other over a pathway to something even more spectacular. Later, same thing. We boated a little further down the island to a spot not frequented as often. We took a boardwalk from one side to the ocean side. Once we started walking  on that boardwalk we discovered missing boards, exposed nails and lose bowed boards. Each step we took was a step of uncertainty, but oh the reward we received once we got to the end. Another pristine beach, with absolutely no one around, just water the color of emeralds, sand as white as snow, Gods amazingness was for us to see and enjoy. 

Isn't that just how life is? Pathways of unsure steps, lose boards, exposed nails and just hard stuff. Isn't it nice to know that if we are faithful enough to trust God with our paths that He will show us His finest, offer us His best. 
So thankful that today that I chose these pathways and thankful that I've trusted God along some pathways I didn't quiet choose in life, and some Ive  chosen. The thorns, the yuck of them are always rewarded with His sweet blessings, sometimes in the form of close-to-heaven beaches, sometimes in the form of encounters with people, sometimes in the form of just a great place in life. Pathways are good. Praying I continue to trust His paths for me, that I can live through the uncomfortableness of some of those paths and that I always recognize the blessings at the end.