I find myself wanting to hit the pause button on my 3's growth and aging. I feel like if I don't pause it that I will lose control and before I turn around again they will all be gone, grown and I'll have missed it. So as summer seems to be racing by at a faster pace than I'd like I want to just pause for a second and let God control my restlessness. It seems, though, when I sit for just a moment to collect my thoughts, reflect a bit, that is when the thoughts start spiraling out of control. ~ I haven't spent enough quality time with my 3, do I talk to them enough, am I being the mom I'm suppose to be, is my impatient self ruining our days, is sitting here writing my thoughts really what I should be doing when I should be re-doing Molly's room that I promised her we'd do this summer?
Am I giving my all to a relationship that means the world to me? Am I more of a burden than one that brings happiness? Am I enough? Will I always be enough? I promised myself to do more for me this summer, to exercise, spend time with God in the early morning. I wasn't going to be so rushed as we are during the school year. I was going to get the house back in order before the chaos set in of single-momness set in. I've done none of this and summer is getting closer to over. ~ All these thoughts feeds the restlessness and then the guilt that follows makes it worse even still.
I don't want to look back and have regrets and wishing for do-overs, I don't want to miss out on my 3 before they are grown and gone. I want to cherish every moment, every second, mundane to exciting, and soak it every bit in. I want to go from one season to the next knowing I did what I could and feel really good about it. How can I accomplish this? How do I not want more when graduations finally happen, when they drive out of my driveway packed for college,when my baby girl walks down the isle, when in time yet another in my life leaves earth? How can I know that it was all enough? Living in the now is harder to do than say and I'm learning this too well. As I type this, this verse is all I hear-"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34
I'd like to start his sentence with a capitalized BUT, but if I do use that word BUT then that clearly shows that I don't believe what Jesus has said. How do I not worry about tomorrow, August 2nd the start of new schools, new school year,how do I not worry if I'm doing what I'm suppose to do? How do I not feel restless, how do I not want more time? How do I not want do-overs? I clearly don't know the answer to any of these questions or I wouldn't be writing this blog.
Thankfully, when I write it out-it's out there, my words tend to hold me accountable, and I'm held accountable by those that read my thoughts, even though you have no idea that just by reading my thoughts you're actually holding me accountable. I'm praying and working on turning my restlessness into peace I can only find in the comfort of Jesus. I'm desiring for His love, that's held me together as I've felt I may fly apart before, will again and still hold me together again. I'm desiring for Him to slow my thoughts, calm my anxiety and help me to live for today and be thankful for today. To trust Him with my tomorrows-and whatever those tomorrow's hold. Thankful that I've lived and learned how He can and will hold me together when I can't do it on my own. Praying that I practice what I preach-and I live and love in the here and now, enjoy the big and small and trust Him with every second. And at the end--have no regrets. Restlessness...just be gone already