Ephesians2:10

Dear God, yesterday in church Pastor J was talking about Ephesians 2:10-you know it because you wrote it--
"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." While I love  this verse and love thinking about how you thought of me before I was even an actual thought, this verse makes me nervous in a way just as Psalms 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I love that it's reassurance that you loved me even before I was here to love, I love that it means to me that you know me and that I am enough. I'm thinking the reason it makes me nervous is because maybe, just maybe, the life I've lived. Was it truly your intention for me to be anxious, fearful and untrusting? Did you really make me that way? Or did you make me that way so that I would be dependent upon you? Did you knit me together to have this chihuahua like heart about me? The fear God, the questions, the thoughts-did you intend for me to be this?? While I'm asking some very pointed questions did your plans really include the suffering? Was that also a way to turn me toward you? When you thought of me did you have in your plans that I'd one day be a widow and mom of 3? Did you include that in my life plan to use that for your glory? If so God I need direction. I need direction in knowing how you want and desire for me to do "good works." I'm caught in the middle God, caught in the middle of moving forward and staying still. If I stay still it looks as if I "can't get over it" or that I'm " wallowing." If I move forward how do I/we use what we've endured for your goodness? How do I talk about how you've been there when I'm desperately trying to move forward and move on. How can I talk about the time in my life that brought me closest to you without looking like I'm hanging on to a dead mans memory.  Can you direct me? How can my fear and discontent be any good to you? How can the fear of being left -either by death or choice- be how you intended for me to live? Tell me, is my day to day living enough of "good works?" I can't see it because I fail daily. Enlighten me God, if I can handle it, enlighten me and help me not feel nervous about these versus and help me know what my purpose is. Help me know the purpose of what I feel daily, what I've endured and what I've suffered. Guide and direct me. Help me appreciate that you made me this way, that you saw my life before I was even life. Help me grasp that and help me grasp what you have for me. Help me know what my "good works" is for you. Help me move forward and sit still at the same time. Help me know that you have been and will always be all I need. Thanks for letting me be transparent with you God. Thank you for letting me not have to jockey for a position with you as I do with people.  Thanks for always knowing my heart before I even speak the words. Thanks for "getting" me because you made me this way when others don't get me at all. Thanks for loving me just the way I am. Help me do what my purpose is. Reveal much God. Reveal and let me grab and run with it. I love you and thank you for loving me. Goodnight.