Good Grief

Good Grief

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Can you hear me SCREAAAMMMM???

Don't really have anything to say but need to say something. If I could post a scream I would post one of those, from the gut, make your throat hurt, clinch your fist screams. This week has stunk!!!!!! The only good thing about this week was the tree dedication at the Harbor House in Honor of Shane (pix soon). The kids got out of school at 12 on Tues and seems things went down hill from there. My precious dad, the man that I have always depended on to fix just about anything, and was often thrown up to Shane because Shane was a little handy-man challenged, was called on to fix a leaky shower. When I say he can fix anything-he can. Except, he recently told a friend as he was fixing a scooter in my yard, he could just about fix anything but a broken heart. AWWWWW. If he could fix my broken heart it would already be duct taped right up. Anyway, after a long afternoon and discovery of some shabby construction we were without water for about 24 hours. My daddy tried, blamed himself, but it was finally fixed. Thanks Poppee and Steve. The good thing about this was me and the kids got to spend the night with my mom and dad. Even though I didn't grow up in the house they are in now, its still home and I feel safe and taken care of there. Then, there is some other issues that have taken place this week, just day to day junk that is wearing me down. Then I read my devotion this morning and it is about Praising God no matter what. I have to admit, I haven't been praising God nearly like I should. Ashamedly, I have been wallowing in self-pity, being a little bitter when I should be praising Him for the blessings I receive everyday. I confess that I find myself not liking when I see anyone being a little happy going on with their everyday lives. I find myself thinking my world has stopped so why can't everyone else see that, and their world stop too. I still feel like I am watching a Lifetime movie and I can turn the channel in a minute and it will all be just that, a bad movie scene. Reality kicks in and I am reminded that I can't turn the channel, that the world is not going to stop just because mine has come to a screeching halt. I so want to praise my Heavenly Father, but I am finding it rather hard. The only way I find myself praising Him is through music. When I am in the car by myself I can praise Him all day long. When it comes to my prayers that is when I find it hard to praise Him, the words just don't come easy. I do have so many things to be thankful for and I am very thankful but I don't know why there seems to be a brick wall there. So I will ask for your prayers on that one, pray that my praises come easily. I continue to want God to receive all the Glory from Shane and my sufferings and do believe He is. I hear story after story about something Shane did or said that changed someones relationship with God. These stories are one of the things I am so very thankful for. I was told yesterday by a dear high school friend that through my writing about our journey that I helped her deal with some things. She said she didn't want to be selfish because she knew I had suffered a tremendous loss, but her sharing that with me made me feel that, yes, this is what it has all been for. Yes, I have suffered great loss, but if there is anyway that what I have gone through can change someones relationship with God, make someone realize God is the only way, that His promises are real, then, yes, it is worth it. After saying all that, I still find myself wanting to SCREAM. I think I will start screaming Praises! Shout to the Lord, all the earth
Worship the Lord with gladness, come before Him with joyful songs. Ps 100:1

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Preparing a Place · Max Lucado

A sweet friend emailed me her daily Max Lucado verse today. It was about Heaven not being where we are suppose to be. Pretty much stated we may find a little happiness on earth, maybe glimpses, but nothing to compare with Heaven. Heaven should be our goal, if we truly love the Lord. I have always said I was not ready to leave earth, that I would love to see my children grow up, see my grandchildren. Things change and my thoughts on this have too. I do have a strong desire to be with my Father and so many in Heaven, but know that I will wait on God's perfect timing. I will no longer fear death, for I know that it truly is the reward. My children have joined me in celebrating the fact that Jesus' return may be sooner than we ever expected. He is doing a mighty work., I just know it. He is taking too many people home. I feel He is truly preparing "a place" for those of us that have been left here on earth. I feel that the ones that He is carrying Home are the ones that will be helping Him prepare that "place." In visiting Max Lucado's website, in order to subscribe to his daily devotions, I was looking through the archives. April 3rd is a date,now, that will be forever embedded in my mind, kind of like a child's birthday, an anniversary, instead its the day Shane went Home. So, out of curiosity, I looked at April 3rds devotion and here it is: Preparing a Place · Max Lucado For any of you that know about, what is now being referred to as, Shane's Final 10 you know that his desire was to be read scripture at the end of his time on earth. I told his dear friend that was going to read the bible to him to read John 14 and he did. When John 14:2 was read Shane's body became almost electrified. It was not pain, or anything medical at all, it was all God and His Holy Spirit. When Shane heard "I am preparing a place for you" I truly believe he had already witnessed his "place" and he was literally running to enter it. I know that there is no coincidence that Max Lucado's devotion on the very day Shane entered Heaven was this very verse. I love how God will show me something so small but so HUGE all at the same time. I love how He works, I love how He probably delights when I smile at such things, when there is not very much to smile about these days. I love how He uses a dear friend, that has the same desire for Heaven as the vessel for this discovery. Thanks P, I know its everything Rachel and Shane deserve and know they are waiting patiently for us. I can't wait to see what God's "place" is all about.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Many Thanks

Just wanted to say a quick thank you to so many of you that called, texted, emailed, facebooked with encouragement yesterday. I made it through the day, which was hard, but I did it. I have to mention the best phone call though. About 11 am yesterday, I was sitting by a fountain in Cartersville waiting on my sister to finish an appointment, my phone rang, I answered a call with an unfamiliar number and this was the conversation: " Hey Mom, just wanted to check and see how you were doing? Have you cried yet? Where are you? Can you bring me a t-shirt? Today was free dress and I am in my uniform." It was my Jake. My 10 year old told his teacher that he needed to call his mom. She said he was out of sorts all day yesterday, knowing he was worried about me. I hate the fact that he has to carry such a burden, worrying about how his mom is doing, but oh how extremely proud I am of him. Even on the days he says he "hates" me, this proves so different. Again, thanks to all of the encouraging words. Can never tell you how much it means and helps a girl out. Today, celebrating another "first" behind me. Now just got to make it through Father's Day. Knowing my Father will sustain, just like He always does. Thank you Father God, again, thank you. Yet it was good of you to share in my troubles. Col 4: 14

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Because Shane loved Me

14 years ago today I became one with Shane. Our courtship was not a long one, dated for 6 months before becoming engaged and then we were engaged a year. He graduated from Berry in April and we were married on May 18, 1996. Today will be extremely bittersweet, thanking God for the 16 years that I had him with me, thanking Him for a near perfect marriage, thanking Him for the blessing of finding a love that some search a lifetime for, thanking Him for the blessing of our 3 children together, thanking Him for Shane's deep love for me, thanking Him for allowing me to love a man with every part of me. At the same time, I am mad because we were just getting our lives started together, mad that all the dreams that we had made together will never come to pass, knowing my soul mate is no longer here with me. Its so not fair that so many take their marriage for granted. When Shane and I said our vows on that extremely hot May day (no air in Mt. Berry Chapel) we took them very seriously. Although our relationship with God was not near as strong as it is now, we did have one. We spent 6 weeks with our pastor going over those pre-marital things and knew we were doing this in the presence of God. From the moment I met Shane I knew we were suppose to be together, his mom has said we were 2 peas in a pod. I know God had ordained this marriage long before Shane and I were ever even conceived. So today while I am extremely miserable being separated from Shane in this life, knowing half of me is longer here, I will celebrate the love, memories, and blessings that we shared for such a short time. I love Shane more today than I did that day 14 years ago. We may have said "until death do us part" but I will never be apart from Shane, his love is with me every moment. If I could quote a friend, "every day that passes is one day closer to being with Shane again." Oh, how I can't wait so that I will never be separated again from him and my Heavenly Father. Happy Anniversary Shane, I love you, Deedeebo

note: when I planned my wedding the song "Because You Loved Me" was fairly new, we was part of our ceremony. You can listen to it on my playlist. Now when I hear the words it means so much more. I am who I am because Shane loved/loves me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Fun and Fellowship

Woke up this morning wondering if God heard our prayers about holding off on the rain. Jake has been a weather watcher for as long as I can remember and while turning the weather on he said, "Mom, I prayed real hard that God would not let it rain today." The local on the 8's came on and he said, "He must have heard me its only a 20% chance now." In my sarcastic thoughts I thought Well, He did answer one of our prayers. I know, I know, but its that part of the grieving process called ANGER. I have these thoughts and know its Satan then I get back on track. The boys were ecstatic about the golf tournament along with me. I couldn't wait to be out on the golf course that Shane loved so much. He didn't get to play golf as much as he would like to, but when he did play he enjoyed it immensely. Not sure if it was because of the actual game of golf or the camaraderie with whomever he was playing with. He took the boys on occasion, not near the times he would have liked but enough to show them the ropes and enough for them to have a liking to the game.

I was amazed at the turnout of participants. We drove up and Jake asked if they were all here for his dad, I told him yes and he said that lots of them were strangers. Then to see so many people volunteering their time to pull this off. This was the inaugural tournament but seemed like it had been around for a long time. Everything was so smooth and planned out. It did my heart good to see the people that came out either to work or play. A few told me that they had a great time sharing stories about Shane and really enjoyed themselves. It was a good day, watching the boys play golf with Shane's dad and brother, as an entourage followed behind. There was at one time about 6 carts following the team they were playing on. I enjoyed the beauty of the course, the feeling that Shane was there and the memories that we had there. I kept it together until I went to the little girls room and walked through the golf shop seeing the shirts that Shane would proudly purchase and come home with, the Grill where I would meet him for lunch and the door to the men's locker room. I cried for the days that we will not have there again, the times we had there and the times the kids will not have with their dad there. I enjoyed the day in spite of the heartache. This morning I was getting the video camera ready and was looking back at some past footage. I came across one that was taken in early February of this year. I was filming Molly being Molly and Shane was in the background talking to my dad and mom. I didn't get the gest of the conversation but did hear him say, "Well, it all goes back to Corinthians 13:13(cough, cough, cough {stupid cancer}.) I was enjoying hearing his voice and got lost in just hearing it, and didn't listen, really, to what the rest of the conversation was. The reason for me telling this is that all day, Corinthians 13:13 has been ringing in my ear. I am not one that feels that God ever gives me a word so didn't think much of it. It was just odd that I kept hearing Shane say it over and over again. I'm not great at remembering scripture, I do good to remember my name, and didn't have a bible around so just pushed it aside. Until, we were driving to Sam's practice, and now that I am using Shane's phone I have an app of the Bible, so I told my sister to please look up Corinthians 13;13, she did and this is the verse: And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. Corinthians 13:13 This was the topic of his last sermon, so when I heard Trace read it I had an aha moment. In God's way and Shane's way I truly believe that both were telling me and reminding me that they love me. Shane and I had this exact verse read at our wedding, 14 years ago tomorrow. I'm thinking God for the way He continually reminds me that He loves me and that Shane does too. I love them too!!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

PLAY like Shane

As most of you know Shane LOVED golf. He was very proud that he and his dad won the Coosa Cup in 2007. This year some awesome friends have gotten together the
MAY 17, 2010
For those of you, like myself, that are not golfers- you are invited to join us for the opening devotional at 9:45 am and join us for lunch near the green of Hole #18, (for a small fee) they will start serving the players at 10:15. I would love to see anyone that would love to come by. I will be enjoying one of Shane's favorite places, the golf course of Coosa Country Club. It is beautiful and I can't wait to be there. Please pray that the rain will hold off until later in the day. I am excited about this tournament, hoping that it brings fellowship among players and a time of remembrance of Shane and what he stood for. Thanks to all that have sponsored a hole, donated prizes and for taking time out of your schedule for this tournament. Major thanks to Steveo, Willis and Whitley, and for Michelle and her tireless efforts. See you on the links. Is that correct golf jargon?????

Thursday, May 13, 2010


I can't really describe this unsettled feeling I am having. Could be that it's 11:30 and I can't sleep, or the horrible crick in my neck, or the end of the school year stuff that is going on. I can't really put my finger on it. I think maybe the biggest thing would probably be that it has almost been 6 weeks since Shane left. Yes, for those of you that see me at baseball games or out to eat, I am going through the grieving process. All days are not hunky dorey and most days I would rather stay at home and pine away. Instead, I have 3 children that are depending on me to keep up their day t0 day goings and comings. Sometimes I feel guilty that I am not just crying all the time, in public, at home. Don't get me wrong I do my fair share of shedding tears and its usually at really weird times. However, my mom purchased a small book on grieving and this author states that there are 10 steps to grieving. I, so far, have covered about 6 of them. Right now I am on the step where whenever I close my eyes I see Shane and can hear his voice like he is right in the room with me. I'm by no means obsessed with this, but it is very unsettling. When this has happened its usually a great little break in the new world of a widow. However, at times I catch myself just wanting to stay in that moment. I probably need to stop writing about this or some of you may think I have lost it. I received a great phone call yesterday. I answered and a sweet voice of a young girl said, " This is_________ from _____________ I have a message for Shane, we are having a meeting at ________ time. " I didn't want to tell her, for I knew that it would upset her, but I told her that he had passed away last month, but thank you. I know it upset her thinking that she had upset me. Little did she know how good it was for someone to speak of Shane in present tense. I use to give him grief about all of the meetings that he had to go to. Oh how I long for those days. Quite unsettling. The kids are doing ok, as well as can be expected but I know that they are like me and are unsettled. I was going through Sam's folder from school the other day and noticed he had a large paper with some artwork drawn on it. I opened it up and it was large peace sign, I commented on it, then noticed there was something else on the back. It was a picture of the 3 crosses, with a stone with Shane's name on it and a person standing by the stone with tears flowing. I asked him about it and he said, "yea, that's me crying over dad's grave." Extremely unsettling, but in a good way. Sam is very quite and does talk about things but in a different way, so to see his feelings drawn on paper was a very good thing for me. I would rather him be drawing baseball fields, or the normal little boy stuff but to see that he is dealing with this is great to a mom.
The most unsettling part of it all is I don't know when the unsettled feeling will ever go away. I know they say that time heals all wounds, but really?? A wound this big, so jagged, so deep, so fresh????? I know Jesus' wounds have already healed our hurt, I do know all that, and know He is my comforter. At the same time, I miss the very man in my life that made me feel SETTLED, that made me feel safe, made me feel loved, made my children feel loved, and always assured me of God's love for me. I miss his presence, I miss his smell, I miss his touch, I miss his laugh, his smile, his jokes, I miss when he was in deep thought that he rubbed his eyebrows, I miss kissing his shiny bald head. I MISS him. So tonight, I 'm praying that God would please fill this huge wound with His love and presence, I pray for this unsettled feeling to go away, I pray that my babies feel His loving arms around them as they use to feel Shane's arms hold them. I know its been 6 weeks but we still ask for your prayers. Life goes on around us, but there is still a large gaping wound here in the Richardson household.
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him. Lamentations 3:25
Lord I am waiting and seeking You during this unsettled time.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

I woke up this morning with Jake already awake, still laying beside me. First thing he said, "Happy Mother's Day Mom!" Use to, it would be Shane to say those words and then the kids would follow his lead. Molly was next to wake up and he instructed her to wish me the same. Sam did not need any reminders. They hopped up and downstairs they went. Jake came back up by himself and handed me a card. It read, Mom, it's a lot easier to be strong when I know I've got you to lean on. Opened it up and his little strong 10 year old voice said, "Happy Mother's Day Mom" and then it played, "Lean on Me." After I got over the emotion of that, I asked him where in the world he got it. He, with a huge grin, said Mrs. Whiteside got it for me and its been in my backpack. More emotion, just thinking that his teacher thought enough about him and me to go out and purchase a card. He was so proud and I was even prouder. He joined the other 2 downstairs and they were so busy. Each one came up with something. Jake brought up chocolate milk, Sam carried the plate of cinnamon toast and Molly delivered her and Sam's homemade mother's day card. Such a special morning. I have been recieving text all morning being wished sweet Mother's Day greetings from so many friends. My sister Robin sent one saying she knows that Heaven is all abuzz today with Shane telling everyone what a great Mom I am. More tears. This day is extremely important to me. I take my title as "Mom" very seriously. As long as I can remember, all I ever wanted to be is a wife and mom. I know that seems shallow to some, but that was my dream. I was extremely blessed to have a husband that agreed that he wanted the mother of his children home with them. We sacrificed so much in order to do this in the beginning. He never complained, never made me feel guilty about being home. He always complemented me on what a great job I was doing, even on the days he would come home and I would be in tears with a new baby in my arms. Every now and again, he would jokingly say, "I wish I had DeDe's life, she has it made." Honestly, I did. God had blessed me, and still blesses me without measure. Which leads me to mentioning the blessing God gave me 40+ years ago, my Mom. There are really no words to explain her, but sacrifice. To this day the woman sacrifices. She was blessed to be a stay-at-home mom also, which, I think, is why I felt so strongly about staying home with mine. My sisters and I always knew she was home waiting for us, we always knew we had a great supper to eat, and knew our every need was taken care of. She raised us with unending love. To this day, she is here when needed. One of her gifts is she can come in and know what needs to be done without asking. She never expects a thank-you, nor does she expect to be noticed for all she does. The last 2 weeks of Shane's life she was here while I spent my time with Shane. She helped with the kids, laundry, and any and everything that needed to be done. Everyday, Shane thanked her when she came up to tell him goodnight, and kissed him on the head. He often would say to me, "DeDe, you have got to do something for Mimi, she has done so much." I would tell her that and she would say, "You don't need to do anything." She did the same when each of my babies were born. She came for 2 weeks during the day to run the household while I concentrated on the baby and resting. Shane would jokingly say, "Time for another baby, so Mimi can come cook for us for 2 weeks, and I can have my underwear folded (I don't fold undies, just put 'em in the drawer) and put away." Mimi, all that you do never goes unnoticed. You are appreciated, you are loved and admired for your tireless energy, for never complaining for all that you do. Shane loved you, I love you and my babies love you. Happy Mother's Day I thank God for you.

Now, on to Shane's mom, or as Shane so affectionately nicknamed her, Pooh. My heart aches for her today. I can't imagine what it feels like to outlive your child. She waited a long time to have Shane and when she was blessed with that baby, she was blessed. She has told me time and again, that Shane as a child was near "perfect." Somehow, I don't have a hard time believing that. Seeing how he was near "perfect" as a husband and father. I have to attribute his near perfectness to the way he was raised. I don't know how they did it, but they did. She raised a son that was compassionate, caring, giving, affectionate and loving. I love to hear her stories about Shane growing up, the mischief he got into and how they would deal with it. One of my favorites is when Shane was misbehaving and his mom told him if he didn't do what she said that he would not play in a very important baseball game. He proceeded to do what he was asked not to do and he DID NOT play in the game. Even after the coach asked her to please let him play. She stuck to her guns and disciplined him. This is also the mom that when asked by her son to do a favor she did it. Fifteen years ago, Shane decided he wanted to ask me to marry him. It was a decision that was made on a Friday night, unfortunately he had a baseball game on Saturday against Shorter. Pooh went to jewelry stores and persuaded the jewelers (she is quite persuasive) to let her take about 4-6 rings with her for Shane to pick out. She went to the game, he came out of the dugout and picked my ring. Shane loved his mom, and I knew he would be a great husband just by the way he treated and loved her. I thank you Pooh, for raising Shane just the way you raised him. Yes, he was near perfect. I think that is why God wanted him home, he couldn't stand to be apart from him a minute longer. Thank you for loving J,S,M and me. I ask God to show you His presence and comfort you this Mother's day without Shane. I love you and thank you for Shane.

To my sisters, Robin and Tracey. We all may mother differently but I think we all mother greatly. I love you and I thank God for you and your dynamic self. I am glad we were all blessed to have such a great example of what a mother should be. I love you both and Happy Mother's Day.

To my all my friends that are mom's. Thank God today for the priviledge of being just that... a mom. Thank Him for entrusting you with His children. It's a big role to take on but I think all of us are doing a fabulous job.

Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. Proverbs 31:28-31

Saturday, May 8, 2010

How Wide, How High, and How Deep

I would like to start this blog by saying that after Jake attending 3 different schools...NO school is perfect. Having said that, I would like to add I LOVE the school Jake and Sam (and one day Molly) are attending, and seeing that this school loves Jesus I consider it quite near perfect. I was contacted by a friend and fellow UCS parent about an idea she had. She wanted the 1st grade class, as a whole, to do something for Sam in honor of Shane. I knew about the idea and kept it a secret from the kids for about 2 weeks. We were able to reveal that secret yesterday. After Muffins with Mom we took the children outside to reveal a Dogwood tree planted and dedicated in memory of their daddy. Sweet Sam had no idea, and he just smiled that sweet grin that he has. The bronze plaque didn't make it in time but just seeing the one that was placed on the rock started the tears flowing. The dogwood was so full and fresh looking. One of Sam's baseball coach's (Chris) just so happens to own a landscaping company, and just so happened to be the one to plant the tree. When asked what tree Shane loved, I shared that he loved Dogwoods and Weeping Willows. With the significance of the timing of Shane's death being on Easter weekend and the meaning of the Dogwood, that is what was chosen. The Dogwood has always been one of my favorites for the very reason of the legend that I was told about as a child:

In Jesus' time, the dogwood grew To a stately size and a lovely hue. 'Twas strong and firm it's branches interwoven For the cross of Christ its timbers were chosen. Seeing the distress at this use of their wood Christ made a promise which still holds good: "Never again shall the dogwood grow Large enough to be used so. Slender and twisted, it shall be With blossoms like the cross for all to see. As blood stains the petals marked in brown The blossom's center wears a thorny crown. All who see it will remember Me Crucified on a cross from the dogwood tree. Cherished and protected, this tree shall be A reminder to all of my agony."

Its also been said that no matter when Easter falls that the Dogwood will always be blooming, no matter how early or late Easter is. How appropriate.

Chris Lodge, friend and fellow UCS parent and minister, spoke at the dedication. He shared with our small crowd these verses: I pray that out of his glorious riches he my strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Eph 3:16-19 Chris had the privilege of knowing Shane and shared that one thing he knew for sure about Shane was that he wanted everyone to know the love of Christ. How fitting to share that scripture in reference to a true man of God and also the tree being dedicated to him. I can't wait to see that tree grow wide, high and how deep it grows. At the same time I am excited and anxious to see how wide, how high and how deep Jesus' love dwells in me, Jake, Sam and Molly and so many others impacted by Shane's story.

Shane had a heart for Unity Christian School and for what it meant to our children and our community. He loved knowing part of this schools mission was to grow the Kingdom. Our family has been loved on, prayed for and carried by our family at UCS. I'm not saying that other schools wouldn't have done this, but I am saying that this school is dedicated to our family and the passion that Shane had for Christ. While Shane was sick several classes made all 5 of us our very own prayer blankets. Each knot representing a prayer said for us. Jake's
class sent home written prayers for Shane. He was so touched that he could not read them himself, so I read them. When I was done reading them, he looked at me and said that was what Unity is all about. Fourth graders praying prayers that most adults wouldn't even know how to pray. My children and all the students have been able to walk this walk of faith with us and guided by Godly teachers, faculty and staff. Can't imagine being anywhere else.

Thank you Unity Christian school for loving us through this.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Daddy's Home

So wishing I could say with each day its getting easier without Shane, but I would so be lying. Actually, truth is it seems to be getting worse. I think my autopilot was on for a few weeks and the feeling that Shane was just on a business trip, and the reality of him not coming home is hitting us all. Last week I entered into his office for the first time. I've been to Abbott & Richardson but the door to his office has always been closed so I have just kept my distance. I had some business to take care of with one of Shane's longtime friends and he asked if he could go in. I told him that was fine and I would come with him. I don't know what I expected but it just looked as if Shane was at lunch and would be coming back in to his many stacks of work. His roll of toilet paper was sitting right by his computer (due to his chemo nose, it constantly ran), his coffee cups still line his desk and his work space was left like he would be right back. I loved just dropping by and surprising him during the day. I was always pleasantly surprised to see how unashamed his love for Christ showed in his office. He had a huge map of the Holy Land right where he did his work. On the opposite wall was his opened Bible for everyone to see, not sure what chapter it is opened too. He kept a "Son" coin his dad had given him to keep the pages from blowing. Then there are all of the pictures of his babies. Team pictures of Jake or Sam and Coach Shane, Worlds Best Dad frame with he and the kids. My favorite, the kids post it notes with little drawings to him all over the walls, a paper tie that Sam made for doughnuts with dad. He was so proud of the little things and he was not ashamed to show it. I was glad to go in and at the same time it hurt, because it so looked like he was coming right back. He was sad at the end because he couldn't work, he loved his job, loved the people he worked with and loved his clients and he loved talking about his Saviour with each of these whenever he could. I've been told that some of his lunches would be a few minutes of business and the rest about Jesus. I love that. The kids seem to be feeling the same way I am hearing "I miss daddy" more and more. It was a joke that when Shane took our boys and the Getchell kids to school that on the way over the hill at the old Troy's he would really speed up and give the kids a thrill before school. So the other morning I had to take them and they asked if I would do the same. Of course, me being the mom and all, I was a little more careful and obviously it wasn't near as fast as daddy. They giggled and Sam said, " Daddy use to go so fast his wheels would come off of the ground." With that comment I felt I had let them down and at the same time I was MAD. I sort of hit the steering wheel and said,"He should be here, it makes me mad!" Then my 10 year old looks over at me with his daddy's blue eyes and said, "Mom you shouldn't be mad, daddy is in heaven. If he was in hell then you could be mad but we need to be rejoicing." I looked at him gave him a high five and said, "Thanks Jake, I needed that." We have taken Shane's truck for a spin or 2 and it is parked back where he use to park it. For so long it was moved because we had so much company and I had to move it so the fence could be opened to the backyard. My neighbor texted that night and it said...thanks for not pulling Shane's truck up so far. It makes it feel like he is still here...the way it use to be...the way it should be. When we come home in the afternoon Sam likes to crawl into my lap and "drive" the loop to home. When we pull in to our 'hood you can see our house. Today, we pulled in and Sam said, "Daddy's home" at the same time I was saying those words in my head. These are the words I would say on the good days that daddy came home early and his red truck would be sitting in its right place. Yes, Sam, Daddy is HOME, just not at ours. You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it; You are not pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart. Psalms51;16-17 One of the primary reasons God sent His Son to this earth was to bring tender salve and relief to those whose hearts have been broken. I believe that only God can truly and completely heal shattered hearts. Beth Moore, Breaking Free.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Dragon Tales

Caringbridge is not being my friend so I have set up a blog instead. The name is Good Grief. Trying to make something good of something that stinks, don't know if there is such a thing as good grief. Anyway, weekends use to be my favorite time of the week. I loved having Shane here all day even if we were just hanging around the house doing nothing. So needless to say, weekends are now somewhat dreadful. I do love having the kids home from school but there is just a huge void without daddy. Being Sunday morning I had a moment this morning. I was fixing the kids breakfast and reached up to fix my necklace (that Shane had given me just this past Christmas. He picked out a necklace with his birthstone with diamonds and when he gave it to me he said that his birthstone represented me being his "rock" through his sickness and the diamonds symbolized "forever" that he would love me forever) and the tears started. I thought about just trying to conceal it from the kids since they were playing but what I really wanted was a huge hug from all of them. The tears wouldn't stop so that I could conceal them so I just went into the family room and sat down and said "Mama needs a hug, I'm missing daddy really really bad this morning." Sam was the first one to come up to me, crawled his 7 year old self into my lap, just like he was a toddler, wrapped himself around me. Jake still playing with whatever he was playing with asked what started me crying, and Molly started with her nurturing little self, "Mama, it will be alright." Then I was surrounded by all 3 at one time. Molly right in my face took her little hands touched my face and said (get ready)-
Molly- "Mama, its all about balance. My daddy is in Heaven now."
Me- "What? Where did you hear that?" [thinking to myself I have always thought she might be a "real" angel and then she says something so profound as this]
Molly- "I got it from Ord." For those that are unfamiliar with children's shows Ord is the wise dragon on Dragon Tales.
That immediately stopped the tears. Jake and Sam's mouths, as well as mine, were in the gaping open position. Then we all started laughing. Sweet Molls. I've heard myself say in the past 4 weeks that I am so blessed to have these 3 children. They are my reasons to get up in the mornings when what I would love to do is just stay in bed and wallow in sorrow and self-pity. Each one, in their own sweet way, reminds me of the best qualities in their daddy, and at the same time they remind me of the little things that use to annoy me about their daddy (really not that many). They were the apple of their daddy's eye and he loved them more than anything (besides me) and they are part of him. Don't know how I would make it right now without them. We talk about Shane non-stop and I am sharing so many stories with them now. How we met, when we told each other we loved each other. What he was like when we met. I could talk about him every second of the day and they could listen every second of the day. A sweet high school friend of Shane's posted pictures of Shane on Facebook of him when he was a senior. They loved seeing him with lots of hair, having fun with friends. I am determined that they will have wonderful memories of their dad and I am determined that they will know just what kind of man their daddy was. I am so thankful that God allowed Shane and I to have these sweet children together. Although, I never dreamed I would be raising them without him I know their Heavenly Father will be with them, and with me, so that I may raise them without Shane. I feel blessed that God thinks that I can do this and feel blessed that my children are experiencing God through this pain. I know our Father is holding each of our hands and guiding us just like Shane had done here on earth. And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:16 Thank you Jesus, for blessing my children and I through this hurt, thank you Jesus for knowing more than anyone the pain we are feeling. Thank you Jesus for allowing us to be covered in your love and understanding. Thank you Jesus for surrounding us with so many that love us. Thank you Jesus for my children's faith, they are ecstatic about meeting you one day and seeing their daddy again. Thank you Jesus for putting your hand on this 40 year old and looking out for me as your child.