Daddy's Home

So wishing I could say with each day its getting easier without Shane, but I would so be lying. Actually, truth is it seems to be getting worse. I think my autopilot was on for a few weeks and the feeling that Shane was just on a business trip, and the reality of him not coming home is hitting us all. Last week I entered into his office for the first time. I've been to Abbott & Richardson but the door to his office has always been closed so I have just kept my distance. I had some business to take care of with one of Shane's longtime friends and he asked if he could go in. I told him that was fine and I would come with him. I don't know what I expected but it just looked as if Shane was at lunch and would be coming back in to his many stacks of work. His roll of toilet paper was sitting right by his computer (due to his chemo nose, it constantly ran), his coffee cups still line his desk and his work space was left like he would be right back. I loved just dropping by and surprising him during the day. I was always pleasantly surprised to see how unashamed his love for Christ showed in his office. He had a huge map of the Holy Land right where he did his work. On the opposite wall was his opened Bible for everyone to see, not sure what chapter it is opened too. He kept a "Son" coin his dad had given him to keep the pages from blowing. Then there are all of the pictures of his babies. Team pictures of Jake or Sam and Coach Shane, Worlds Best Dad frame with he and the kids. My favorite, the kids post it notes with little drawings to him all over the walls, a paper tie that Sam made for doughnuts with dad. He was so proud of the little things and he was not ashamed to show it. I was glad to go in and at the same time it hurt, because it so looked like he was coming right back. He was sad at the end because he couldn't work, he loved his job, loved the people he worked with and loved his clients and he loved talking about his Saviour with each of these whenever he could. I've been told that some of his lunches would be a few minutes of business and the rest about Jesus. I love that. The kids seem to be feeling the same way I am hearing "I miss daddy" more and more. It was a joke that when Shane took our boys and the Getchell kids to school that on the way over the hill at the old Troy's he would really speed up and give the kids a thrill before school. So the other morning I had to take them and they asked if I would do the same. Of course, me being the mom and all, I was a little more careful and obviously it wasn't near as fast as daddy. They giggled and Sam said, " Daddy use to go so fast his wheels would come off of the ground." With that comment I felt I had let them down and at the same time I was MAD. I sort of hit the steering wheel and said,"He should be here, it makes me mad!" Then my 10 year old looks over at me with his daddy's blue eyes and said, "Mom you shouldn't be mad, daddy is in heaven. If he was in hell then you could be mad but we need to be rejoicing." I looked at him gave him a high five and said, "Thanks Jake, I needed that." We have taken Shane's truck for a spin or 2 and it is parked back where he use to park it. For so long it was moved because we had so much company and I had to move it so the fence could be opened to the backyard. My neighbor texted that night and it said...thanks for not pulling Shane's truck up so far. It makes it feel like he is still here...the way it use to be...the way it should be. When we come home in the afternoon Sam likes to crawl into my lap and "drive" the loop to home. When we pull in to our 'hood you can see our house. Today, we pulled in and Sam said, "Daddy's home" at the same time I was saying those words in my head. These are the words I would say on the good days that daddy came home early and his red truck would be sitting in its right place. Yes, Sam, Daddy is HOME, just not at ours. You do not want a sacrifice, or I would give it; You are not pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifice pleasing to God is a broken spirit. God, You will not despise a broken and humbled heart. Psalms51;16-17 One of the primary reasons God sent His Son to this earth was to bring tender salve and relief to those whose hearts have been broken. I believe that only God can truly and completely heal shattered hearts. Beth Moore, Breaking Free.