Caringbridge is not being my friend so I have set up a blog instead. The name is Good Grief. Trying to make something good of something that stinks, don't know if there is such a thing as good grief. Anyway, weekends use to be my favorite time of the week. I loved having Shane here all day even if we were just hanging around the house doing nothing. So needless to say, weekends are now somewhat dreadful. I do love having the kids home from school but there is just a huge void without daddy. Being Sunday morning I had a moment this morning. I was fixing the kids breakfast and reached up to fix my necklace (that Shane had given me just this past Christmas. He picked out a necklace with his birthstone with diamonds and when he gave it to me he said that his birthstone represented me being his "rock" through his sickness and the diamonds symbolized "forever" that he would love me forever) and the tears started. I thought about just trying to conceal it from the kids since they were playing but what I really wanted was a huge hug from all of them. The tears wouldn't stop so that I could conceal them so I just went into the family room and sat down and said "Mama needs a hug, I'm missing daddy really really bad this morning." Sam was the first one to come up to me, crawled his 7 year old self into my lap, just like he was a toddler, wrapped himself around me. Jake still playing with whatever he was playing with asked what started me crying, and Molly started with her nurturing little self, "Mama, it will be alright." Then I was surrounded by all 3 at one time. Molly right in my face took her little hands touched my face and said (get ready)-
Molly- "Mama, its all about balance. My daddy is in Heaven now."
Me- "What? Where did you hear that?" [thinking to myself I have always thought she might be a "real" angel and then she says something so profound as this]
Molly- "I got it from Ord." For those that are unfamiliar with children's shows Ord is the wise dragon on Dragon Tales.
That immediately stopped the tears. Jake and Sam's mouths, as well as mine, were in the gaping open position. Then we all started laughing. Sweet Molls. I've heard myself say in the past 4 weeks that I am so blessed to have these 3 children. They are my reasons to get up in the mornings when what I would love to do is just stay in bed and wallow in sorrow and self-pity. Each one, in their own sweet way, reminds me of the best qualities in their daddy, and at the same time they remind me of the little things that use to annoy me about their daddy (really not that many). They were the apple of their daddy's eye and he loved them more than anything (besides me) and they are part of him. Don't know how I would make it right now without them. We talk about Shane non-stop and I am sharing so many stories with them now. How we met, when we told each other we loved each other. What he was like when we met. I could talk about him every second of the day and they could listen every second of the day. A sweet high school friend of Shane's posted pictures of Shane on Facebook of him when he was a senior. They loved seeing him with lots of hair, having fun with friends. I am determined that they will have wonderful memories of their dad and I am determined that they will know just what kind of man their daddy was. I am so thankful that God allowed Shane and I to have these sweet children together. Although, I never dreamed I would be raising them without him I know their Heavenly Father will be with them, and with me, so that I may raise them without Shane. I feel blessed that God thinks that I can do this and feel blessed that my children are experiencing God through this pain. I know our Father is holding each of our hands and guiding us just like Shane had done here on earth. And he took the children in his arms, put his hands on them and blessed them. Mark 10:16 Thank you Jesus, for blessing my children and I through this hurt, thank you Jesus for knowing more than anyone the pain we are feeling. Thank you Jesus for allowing us to be covered in your love and understanding. Thank you Jesus for surrounding us with so many that love us. Thank you Jesus for my children's faith, they are ecstatic about meeting you one day and seeing their daddy again. Thank you Jesus for putting your hand on this 40 year old and looking out for me as your child.
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
DeAnn...my life has never been as touched as it has been since meeting you...and I am so moved with compassion as I read your heart on these pages...YOU, my dear sister...are more of a blessing than you will ever know...and I am so very thankful that the Lord brought us together.
ReplyDelete"I GOT IT FROM ORD" Hmmm...I won't soon forget this line! Love that Molly-girl.
ReplyDeleteThe 4 of you individually are such a blessing, but together you are a powerful team for the Lord!
I'm so glad to see you blogging. I had several conversations with Shane (I'll never, ever forget them) about you. Just as the Piper book taught you two "Don't Waste Your Cancer", Shane told me that he didn't want you to waste what God was entrusting to you...with his illness and especially when he left this earth. I asked that I continue to encourage you in that because he said it was really YOU that had been called into ministry right before he was diagnosed. He laughed and said "I just thought it was me". Surely, even from his sickbed and even now, Shane does continue to minister with the way he lived life, loved God and sought to share that love with others. He has passed the baton to you, sweet sister. He had full confidence in you...to run the race and share your faith (even through your grief). As your big sis, I hurt when I know you are hurting and wish in my flesh there was a "person" to blame for the hurt and then I could go and beat them up as I might have done when we were younger and someone picked on you. Instead, I battle for you in prayer and with the very encouragement that I promised Shane I would do. Each and every time you write, you honor Shane. But more importantly, you bring glory to God. I know Shane is so very proud, as am I and the rest of the family. Continue to seek God's approval, His wisdom, His purpose for you, His comfort, His peace, and His presence. Continue to write and share your faith and grief because others will experience those very things I listed through it. I love you, J, S, and M. May God continue to bless you.
Robin, when I read your comment I was a little taken aback when I saw Ord typed out, makes me wonder if Molly meant to say "Lord?"
ReplyDeleteMany years ago I helped in a small way a man running for political office. I was a little down when I received a note of thanks from him thanking me for my help. I carry these words with me today that were inscribed on the note. "It's not what you don't have that counts but what you do with what you have left that counts"
ReplyDeleteThese wise words on the card were sent to me by a man that had no legs and only one arm. Max Cleland made the best of what he had left and these words have always been an inspiration to me. May the Lord always bless you.
Good for you! Love the blog name - grief is a natural emotion, and it is obviously doing y'all good to process it. We still keep your family in our prayers...
ReplyDeleteDeAnn,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story with all of us, many of which you've never met. You probably will never realize how many lives your story has already touched. Continuing to pray for you and those lovely kids.
Janeen
Hey DeAnn, it was great to see you at Beth Moore! We are continually praying for you and the kids. You have renewed my faith in Christ in so many ways and I only pray that i can be as strong as you have been in your faith NO MATTER what God has planned for me. Love you girl!
ReplyDeleteLori O