Don't really have anything to say but need to say something. If I could post a scream I would post one of those, from the gut, make your throat hurt, clinch your fist screams. This week has stunk!!!!!! The only good thing about this week was the tree dedication at the Harbor House in Honor of Shane (pix soon). The kids got out of school at 12 on Tues and seems things went down hill from there. My precious dad, the man that I have always depended on to fix just about anything, and was often thrown up to Shane because Shane was a little handy-man challenged, was called on to fix a leaky shower. When I say he can fix anything-he can. Except, he recently told a friend as he was fixing a scooter in my yard, he could just about fix anything but a broken heart. AWWWWW. If he could fix my broken heart it would already be duct taped right up. Anyway, after a long afternoon and discovery of some shabby construction we were without water for about 24 hours. My daddy tried, blamed himself, but it was finally fixed. Thanks Poppee and Steve. The good thing about this was me and the kids got to spend the night with my mom and dad. Even though I didn't grow up in the house they are in now, its still home and I feel safe and taken care of there. Then, there is some other issues that have taken place this week, just day to day junk that is wearing me down. Then I read my devotion this morning and it is about Praising God no matter what. I have to admit, I haven't been praising God nearly like I should. Ashamedly, I have been wallowing in self-pity, being a little bitter when I should be praising Him for the blessings I receive everyday. I confess that I find myself not liking when I see anyone being a little happy going on with their everyday lives. I find myself thinking my world has stopped so why can't everyone else see that, and their world stop too. I still feel like I am watching a Lifetime movie and I can turn the channel in a minute and it will all be just that, a bad movie scene. Reality kicks in and I am reminded that I can't turn the channel, that the world is not going to stop just because mine has come to a screeching halt. I so want to praise my Heavenly Father, but I am finding it rather hard. The only way I find myself praising Him is through music. When I am in the car by myself I can praise Him all day long. When it comes to my prayers that is when I find it hard to praise Him, the words just don't come easy. I do have so many things to be thankful for and I am very thankful but I don't know why there seems to be a brick wall there. So I will ask for your prayers on that one, pray that my praises come easily. I continue to want God to receive all the Glory from Shane and my sufferings and do believe He is. I hear story after story about something Shane did or said that changed someones relationship with God. These stories are one of the things I am so very thankful for. I was told yesterday by a dear high school friend that through my writing about our journey that I helped her deal with some things. She said she didn't want to be selfish because she knew I had suffered a tremendous loss, but her sharing that with me made me feel that, yes, this is what it has all been for. Yes, I have suffered great loss, but if there is anyway that what I have gone through can change someones relationship with God, make someone realize God is the only way, that His promises are real, then, yes, it is worth it. After saying all that, I still find myself wanting to SCREAM. I think I will start screaming Praises! Shout to the Lord, all the earth
Worship the Lord with gladness, come before Him with joyful songs. Ps 100:1
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
It's okay honey...you scream for as long and as loud as you want. I know our God is big enough to handle the kind of hurt you are going through. He even understands the anger and bitterness that comes with grieving like you are going through. I know so many who are blessed by reading your thoughts, we would take all this hurt away from you, if it were truly possible.
ReplyDeleteYou give it all back to God honey - every emotion, every tear and every praise. You praise Him when you can and cry out when you can't. Know that when you can't, there are those of us who will stand in the gap for you.
Always praying for you and your kids!! Call me anytime you want to talk! I would love to be able to just listen if you ever need a friend.
You are an incredible woman! I pray you feel that strength today. I praise God for:
ReplyDelete-the strength you find each morning to get up and face the day
-for your obedience to God in your willingess to share your open heart to us
-for the woman God created in you
-for Shane loving you all your years so that you can continue that love to us
-for just being you, tried and still true to Him.
HAVE AN INCREDIBLY SPECIAL OF SPECIAL DAYS.
Ooooh...I just love our Virg. I understand his frustration, of all the things he can repair, the one thing he'd like most to fix is your broken heart. I know this is where we must look to our Heavenly DADDY. I know Jesus was a carpenter and was probably in the practical sense a handy man to have around, but PRAISE GOD that He was called to a greater work: The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion—to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
ReplyDeleteinstead of a spirit of despair."
Other adjectives of His calling are part of my prayers for you: that He will REBUILD, RESTORE, RENEW all that is broken. That He will refresh and revive.
I love you sis. Wish I was there to physically hug and hold you. But know that I hold you in my heart, thoughts, and prayers every day.
Your big sis, Rob.
Bless your sweet heart. Just scream as loud as you would like, I am sure God is ready to hear your screams and anything else you would like to do to just get relief from your Broken Heart. I don't know you, neither did I know your husband but I do know you have a great Mom (went to school with her, and was raised in the same community) and Dad, and a wonderful Family....you will be okay, God will Bless you and your little family. Shane is taking care of business right now and he is preparing to meet you and the kids when you get to heaven. You speak often of him, call his name and always tell your children the wonderful things he did for mankind, and I am sure there are memories that will always be in their hearts of what a wonderful Father they had. He was a testimony in its self. Stay strong and work for that Great Homecoming Day when we as chirstians come together in that Heavenly place. I pray that God will heal your broken heart, give you Peace of mind and your health will be good so you can take care of those beautiful children. May his Blessing be present in your life now and always.
ReplyDeleteCarol Cagle (your Moms Childhood Friend)
My stepsister, Stephanye, told me about you and your blog. I lost my first husband on December 26, 2003 when my boys were 4 yrs old and 5 months old. I can relate to just about everything you said in this post because I have been right there. I had those same feelings of anger at the world and at everyone around me for continuing to go on as if the center of the universe was not gone because for me, it was. Although I got angry and shouted at God many times, He was always my steady rock and source of strength and comfort who carried me through those waves of grief. I started blogging a little less than 3 months ago and sometimes share moments from my journey with grief on my blog. I have also posted many of the poems I wrote during that time. I know that you don't know me and everyone's experience is different and unique to them but while I have moved on, I have not forgotten what it feels like to be a young widowed mother in the early stages of grief so know that my heart and prayers go out to you and your family and that I am here to offer you support and an empathetic ear.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Pam Sweeney and I am a friend of Robin Blackmons.I can also relate to everything you are saying.I lost my husband three years ago and I had a two year old and a six year old.I have been keeping up with you and your precious children from Robin and reading your blogs.My heart breaks for you and I have cried evertytime I read something that you have written.Please know that I am praying for all four of you and I hope I can meet you this summer.
ReplyDeleteDeAnn
ReplyDeleteHang in there.Keep praying. Just scream, cry do what it takes to survive this time in your life. But most of all just pray. I know that you don't believe it right now, but it will get where you can breath normal again. Know that you are in my heart and prayers. Love You-Carolyn Burton
DeAnn,
ReplyDeleteMy prayers are with you and your children--I pray you feel the arms of our heavenly father wrapped around you every morning when you rise and every evening as you settle down from a long tough day of being a Mommy--much love, a friend you have never met...
Shari
DeAnn,
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. This week has been extremely rough for me and my family. My precious niece and her husband were awaiting the birth of their first child, a little girl named Sydney Brooke, due in a couple of weeks. I was at work Tuesday when I received a call that the baby had passed and they would be inducing labor. SCREAM......I was so angry, and not neccessarrily at God, but just ANGRY!!!! How could this be happening?? My brother, her father passed her junior year of college and her being an only child, this left her mother alone. This baby has been something they have been talking about and I thought just what her mom needed at this time in her life.
Joy was very worried about me because I took this news so hard. It was if I had lost a child. We do not have a large family and have already lost my parents and my brother. This was like a blow to the gut. I sit in disbelief and try and keep myself busy so that I do not think of it, but as you probably well know, that is easier said than done. Like you, it seems to creep up on me and I find myself in self-pity. Everyone tells me it is okay to be angry and okay to feel the way I do, but then I think it is not okay to feel this way. We are not to question WHY????
I know I am, as are you blessed with wonderful friends and family who we draw strength from at times like these. I guess what I am trying to say is it is okay to feel like screaming and to have that self pity party we tend to throw for ourselves once in a while, but I have to believe God is in control and he will give them strength to get thru this as he has you AND as days, weeks, months and years pass....we will grow to be stronger and our blessings will take front and center and peace will fill our hearts.
Continue to be strong and I will continue to keep you in my prayers. You are a wonderful person and a great Christian woman, we are all blessed to know you.
Pam Keil, Jacksonville NC