Three years? Three years! Three years. Still can't believe it's been three years. I have to say this third year has been harder to swallow than the last two. Not really sure why, can't put my finger on the why of it. Struggled some today and a few days prior and sure I will a few days in the future. You would think that after 3 years the hurt would be a bit duller, the memories not so vivid. However, three years still feels a bit raw.
I gave the kids the option to stay out of school today, more for me than for them. I have found and find extreme comfort with them around. Thinking its because each of them remind me of their daddy in a different way. S&M chose to stay out but J wanted to keep things normal and go to school. He is at the age where he is finding more comfort with his friends than with his mom, whole other blog. I woke him up this morning as any other day and when he came downstairs he asked about what time I told them that early Saturday morning, we remembered some together. He remembered details I didn't and vice versa. He remembered who was still here after all the early morning happenings, I still remember the surrealness and numbness. I told someone today how I felt like I was floating for several days and now that I look back I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is when my Father was carrying me. How sweet to know He loves and cares for me so much that He carried me for days. He is still carrying me. Today I have been reminded of how wonderful it was three years ago to see the hands and feet of Christ through so many that loved us. I've seen it again today through text, emails, phone calls and comments on Facebook. We are truly blessed to have so many to love us, to pray for us and think about us. Totally getting to live out Galatians 6:2 today as we did three years ago. I remember using this verse in the countless thank you notes I wrote. Seeing the body of Christ in action continues to amaze and challenge me to carry others burdens as others have carried mine.
I'm extremely blessed to be a part of a Wednesday morning bible study. Can't tell you how much strength I draw from our time together, digging deep into His Word, worshipping, praying and fellowship with these dynamic ladies. I picture these ladies carrying me on my mat to Jesus and dropping me down through the roof straight to Him. So many times they've prayed for me, with me when I didn't have the words, energy or desire. So many times have i heard words flow out of the mouth of our leader straight from my Father directed at me, feeding me, quenching my thirst for what my spirit needed. Today was no different. Since I had S&M home with me I chose not to go today, I truly hate missing but knew I could rejoin next week. When I was getting out of the shower Sam brought in a gift bag and said my neighbor that goes to same bible study said to give it to me and to give me a kiss from her. I looked at the bag, swallowed hard. On the outside was a verse from "His eye is on the Sparrow," ironically enough, a song that Shane requested from a lady with an angelic voice that came to sing for him just a week before he died. There was a card that was signed by most of these women, with sweet words of encouragement, love and understanding. I buckled-knowing once again they had my back, knowing I truly am loved by my sisters in Christ, knowing they continue to carry my burdens. Then I pulled out of the gift bag a beautiful glass cardinal, buckling once again, tears of joy, sadness, overwhelming tears knowing I am loved. Not only by God but by these women that have been placed in my life for a reason. This cardinal is significant, significant because its a symbol of such a sweet "God wink." I thought I had blogged about it, but I'm tired and don't feel like looking for it, sorry. Anyway, that Saturday, April 3rd was a very long day, as much as I was "floating" and as tired as I was I knew sleep was not going to come easy that night. Especially since less then 24 hours ago I had witnessed the man I loved take his last breath in our bedroom, in our bed. I knew thoughts were going to be whirling, and knew the tears would be plenty. I remember sitting on the bed asking God to give me peace and help me sleep. It was 10 o'clock. My sisters were staying again for comforts sake, sleeping downstairs. At 10:00, right after I prayed that prayer a cardinal began singing right outside my bedroom window. If you know cardinals they have a distinct song. I still remember smiling. Immediately I remember texting Tracey asking if she heard that thinking I was finally losing it. Nope, she confirmed it and remember her word was "weird." I laid down and had the most peaceful, restful sleep sans whirling thoughts or tears. I'm Not one that needs signs and wonders but love it when God gives me a clear signal that He is with me. So as I find the most perfect place for my cardinal I will remember His love and the love He has provided me through some very special ladies that continue to "carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." Gal. 6:2 Thanks to all that have prayed, and continue to pray---carrying our burdens and showing us Christs love. Brings me comfort, wonderful peace and unexplainable joy.