CHRISTmas

Well, its CHRISTmas Eve and here I am.  Dreaded this moment for months but you know what?  It's not too bad. This is Shane and my most favorite time of the year so it is hard but it has been good. I say that because today the only way I can explain how I am feeling is "peace."  The kind of peace that only my Heavenly Father could give to me and my children.  Don't get me wrong, there is an absence that's unexplainable too, but my heart feels joy.  I have had several fellow widows say that the first year without your spouse at CHRISTmas is hard but the second one is even harder.  So this year I will enjoy this peace that He is providing for me and take comfort in that, I will worry about next year, next year.  I just visited my aunt, the wife to my only uncle that suddenly passed last week.  She was surrounded by children and grand-children and there seemed to be that same "peace" present there also.  I chose to fill my house last night with family, on being asked why? (since I am known not to be the entertainer) my reply was I wanted to fill my house with joy instead of sadness.  There was laughter, running, giggling and of course eating.  I have said often that if it wasn't for the children I would have left town.  OHHHH how happy I didn't do just that, because you see, my family has been so vital in this healing.  This year we are making a new normal for me and the kids and the rest of the family.  Our new normal is an empty seat at the dinner table, name tags with a missing name, and things to be done that parents do as a team to be done by me alone.  Its a normal that I don't think I will ever like or get use to, but I have that same presence that was present on the night Shane left.  Oh how thankful I am for the presence of my Jesus.  I've praised Him today because I know this will be Shane's best Christmas ever, it may be a silent night here, but I guarantee its not silent where Shane is.  There is rejoicing, and more rejoicing and continued praises of Hallelujah.  My soul will be rejoicing tonight too, that the man I love is getting to experience that and that I get to rejoice here on earth for a Saviour.  A God that sent Himself to earth to save us.  Oh how he loves you and me.  I will rejoice in the fact of my continued blessings in Jake, Sam and Molly and so many others.  I will rejoice in knowing this is all temporary here.  I will rejoice that my Saviour that laid in a simple manger, lived a simple life is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords.  Just because Shane is not here doesn't mean its not Jesus' birthday, so I will choose to celebrate no matter how hard it may be without him. So Happy Birthday Jesus, Merry Christmas Shane (celebrate for the rest of us) and Merry Christmas to you all, may you all feel the presence of His Holiness and experience Him in every way this CHRISTmas.