What Was, What Is and What's Yet to Be

Things that were, are and what's yet to be!

I've told several people this week that July 4th is almost as depressing to me as New Years. As a kid I loved the 4th-always meant a day with family, homemade ice cream, watermelon, fireworks and a late summer night. Always knew that the 4th meant the heat was unbearable so the attic fan went off and the big ole window a/c unit we had came on. These were the days before it was the norm to have central heat and air. I always remember right before bedtime the air was turned off and the attic fan came back on. Windows up at night meant laying there listening to frogs, crickets and summer sounds. Also meant the worst feeling in the world -sticking to ones self-you know-putting the cotton sheet between your legs so your sticky legs stay separated as not to "stick to yourself." Great memories. Those nights I remember thinking myself to sleep of what life as an adult would be. Never dreaming of what real life as an adult would entail, really.
Now the 4th just reminds me that summers almost over-and with that school begins again. The 4th reminds me now, as it use to, that my birthday is just 10 days away and then that was huge, now? -not so much. Just reminds me now how fleeting time really is. Reminds me of how much things change, that I have NO control over.
I went to our neighborhood pool (usually frequent the Murphy compound country club-members only;) for the first time this year yesterday with my longtime friend and neighbor, kindred souls we are. She has 3, I have 3, we've struggled through some yuck together and came out better I think and we both love us some Jesus. As I walked to the pool the silence was deafening, no kids. As I sat down beside her ready to bask in some sun I told her how different it felt without kids underfoot. Use to it was tons of toys, swimmies, snacks, sunscreen, cooler. Lots of "Mama's!" Yesterday it was me, a towel, my phone and a drink. No kids, no "mama's" no swimmies. I lay there remembering how there was once a time I couldn't wait to put the youngest down for a nap and run, I mean run, for just a short hour with just 1 or 2 of the kids for some pool time.  If the boys would rather hang back with daddy--even better.
Today? I have to about pay them to go anywhere with me. Jake's been drifting for a few years now-uninterested in the family pool, rather ride atv's at the compound and ok to stay home alone. This year-the other 2 are only satisfied for a bit to play pool wiffle ball together before they are tired and ready to go. Yesterday, with no one around you would have thought I had lost my right leg. Thankfully me and my friend filled the time solving all of our problems and before I knew it we'd spent several hours-just us ladies doing nothing.
All that alone time got me thinking about life today. This year, this 4th was the first time in 15 years that Jake has not been with me for a holiday. He's always stuck close to home-I always did as well. This year, however, he's gotten himself the sweetest girl friend, Girlfriend? He was invited to spend the 4th with her and her family. Thankful it's her because I love her and her family. I do admit, it was weird not having him around even though he's a distant 15 year old. Which got me reflecting something I mentioned in my last blog post-the fact that I only have a few more days, literal days with him. Before he ventures out into life. Coming right up behind him is Sam. He's always been the social one-going going going. So I've grown use to his short absences. I know that his absences will become more frequent which leaves me and M. I've recognized changes in her as well. Use to, she was always right next to me but now she seems to be growing wings that takes her away more. She doesn't think I hung the moon, stars and sun any longer. Instead the eye rolls and shrugs have already begun. With each passing day--they grow a little bit further away from me. You'd think I'd be ecstatic to have a little alone time.

 I'm not.

 Contrary-I'm dreading it.

I know it's inevitable that they grow, mature and leave but it's all happening way too fast. Would  i feel different if their dad was here? Probably so.
 You see, he and I had big plans. He'd planned to be close to retirement at age 55-in time for us to be able to take road trips to colleges, travel abroad(if I could've persuaded him to fly), and then be full-time grandparents. I always knew that our relationship would be stronger after parenting, growing closer even after they left because we were such good friends. Didn't foresee any of the growing apart that sometimes happens as empty-nesters. Think we'd have had a rekindling of sorts.
Now? Now it's just another #widowprob. Loneliness. While pouring all of your time, energy and love into your children-at the end of the day--they move on. I want them too-I want them to have lives of their own. I don't want them to have to worry about their mom, being lonely, aging. I want them living the life they were meant to live. No, I'd prefer to not be alone in my later years-but it's not looking good. Haven't lost hope but waiting on God. Who knows maybe it's meant for me to be alone so that I can be that full-time grandmother (DeeDee) maybe they'll make me a mom-in-law suite so I can assist in their busy lives.
Or better yet, maybe they'll set me up at the beach with many bedrooms so they can visit for free anytime they want-I promise to cook, I promise not to have  too many rules, I promise to not hover, or insist on time, but promise to love them with unbridled, non-judgmental grandmom love.
So as I wrap up another day by the pool-watching 2 play, dive, laugh and love life and hear the other one take many miles on the bobcat listening to the music I try to like, I think of what was, what is and what's yet to be. Praying I live in each moment, soaking up every bit of time I have with them, remembering I'm never alone, and pray for full, complete, wonderful lives for my 3 and their families one day.  Oh and Lord I'm thankful for central heat and air so that I no longer have to stick to myself. It's the lil things.

Happy What's Left of Summah!!!

~D