Conversations

I love conversations that make me think. Conversations that make me keep thinking about what was asked or said even a day or so later. The other night I had one of these chats.  I was asked, "What scares you?" My answer was shallow at the time, but later when it was just me, myself and I, i really had a chance to think about that question and my answer to it.

What scares me::: other than the usual--snakes, really bad storms and things that go boom in the night there's some pretty deep stuff that scares me. Here's a few::

Raising these children of mine and not totally messing them up.
Raising them until the time I watch them leave this mamas bird nest. I just read a book and the character was describing how she was a single mom taking her son to leave him at college. How it felt to walk out, leaving him to a new life and knowing that he had been her reason to live and how it felt to walk out of his dorm room...alone. Terrifying.

Terrified of being in control of providing for my 3. Doing the mundane house repairs, car purchases etc. I've got some wonderful people to help out but when it gets right down to it...left to me. Decisions scare me.

I'm terrified of not finding a love like I've had. The kind of love that I never have to question, never have to feel insecure, never feel unloved. A love that totally fills me up.
I'm terrified of never trusting someone else with my WHOLE being. Trust is huge- it's the biggest most important part of love to me. To know that no matter what-no matter how ugly I can be, no matter how big of a B I can be, no matter how unloving I may be that there's a person that will  never leave me. That no matter how many temptations come along-I'm their number one. No matter if things aren't always perfect in all areas that he won't. walk. out. Someone that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets too and I can trust that they will continue to love me anyway.

Not having someone that will stand up for me, even if it means hurting some feelings. Someone that's always got my back. The willingness to sever relationships if that relationship hinders ours.

I'm terrified of dying without finding love just like I've described. Of dying alone.
While I know I'm blessed beyond measure to have my children and family surrounding me no matter what-there's something to be said about another loving  you with unbridled-butterflies in your belly-crazy-mad-wonderful-passionate-faithful love. Seriously, I just want The Notebook kinda of love. Someone that will stick it out even if I don't remember who they are. Someone that would bathe me when I can't bathe myself.

Thankful that I have had something wonderful to measure it all too.  Thankful that there's been a few loves in my life to know what I want and need and can have.

Thankful to recognize that when I read over my list of things that scare me that there is someone that loves me with most of these qualities and can help with my scaredy-catness. He's pretty amazing. Never let's me down. Loves me like no other, even loved me better than Shane. If you don't know Him, I'd love to introduce him.

His name is...Jesus.

However, one thing about having been blessed with some sweet past relationships is knowing what human touch, and affirmations feel like. Maybe a curse or a gift-not sure but tangible love and the lack thereof is another thing that scares me.

Thankful to have been asked this question, to have had time to reflect, to ask for Jesus to continue to be all I need so that I can lay my list of "things I'm scared of" down at the Lover of my soul.

~D