Been a while since a blog. I’m truly afraid if I start typing I may never stop. I’ve got lots rolling around in my mind and I almost feel like if I start I won’t stop. Here goes, hang on. 

So as a preface if you’re close to me you know I’ve suffered from anxiety for quiet sometime. Yep-I said it. I suffer. Add on a life changing experience 8 years ago and depression was allowed to rear its ugly head. Thankfully

the stigma that goes along with anxiety/depression,and really mental illness in general, has gained attention and the way I see it has become more of the norm than not. Just read a statistic that 1 in 3 people suffer from and medicate for anxiety and depression. I was 1 of those until recently. A few healthissues and i was taken off my med to see if said issue would get better. So I’ve being doing life and the anxiety and depression without the help of my favorite little blue pill. Been easy??  Heck to the no. Seems when your down you just get kicked a bit harder. So life continues to happen and the crap seems to get more real. Sister diagnosed with cancer, kids all seem to graduate from elementary school and high school all at once. Middle kid had concussion that last about 6 months. You get to watch your deceased husbands mom deteriorate daily from the ravages of cancer. Regular everyday life, regular everyday worries. Relationship stuff, reminders that people will constantly let you down. All this plus some unmentionables are just a day in the life of ME!! Yippee!!!! So without meds, unlimited time for prayer and issues that can’t be dealt alone I ran to therapy. Been there before, I don’t judge when others go and find it’s helpful on so many levels. Especially when it’s Christian based and I can talk about Jesus and therapist will center me back on Him. 

There! I said it. I deal with anxiety/depression, use to take meds and I see a therapist. It’s all out there. Either I’ve lost you because you now think I’m crazy(ier) or you’re with me cause you “get” me.  If you’ve been to therapy you know that it’s helpful in dealing, sorting and looking at different issues. But no matter what’s going on-in therapy it all comes back to YOU! Doesnt matter why you’re there-whether it’s relational, addictions, grief, personality disorders it always always focuses on you. Not your parents, your significant other, your siblings, your dead spouse...but you. What’s going on inside YOUR head, YOUR heart and what’s happening with YOUR emotions, Your Spirit. And what’s going on with You and God. All about YOU. Now some people like for the focus to always be on them. Me? Not so much. It’s hard to have those moments when it’s all turned back to you. When maybe you figure out that sometimes it actually is something you’re thinking that’s causing turmoil, or something YOU did that’s causing hurt. Sometimes therapy will make you turn completely inward and see that you’re not perfect, actually flawed. That’s ok, cause then that’s when healing can start. Fast forward to this weeks session. I was expressing how in a situation I can’t even pray for myself, my prayers are for someone else. When I try to take care of me I immediately want to take care of someone else. Sounds like a great problem. It’s really not. I continually want to take care, protect others even over me. My therapist asked if I’d always been that way. After a long pause and thinking about it- I don’t think so. Realization that maybe this started after “unfathomable hurt” of losing your spouse in therapist words. Therapist explained that the hurt I’ve felt, death of a spouse, is one of the most unexplainable hurts a person can endure. And some of you reading may be like “get over it already, 8 years is long enough.” And I’ll say to that like I find myself saying often...don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes. Grief doesn’t disappear ever. It’s my friend/ enemy until someone grieves for me. As I sat there and had an aha moment of yes, I want to protect those I love fiercely from hurt, pain, to any extent. I want to keep those I love from hurting so much that sometimes I end up hurting myself in the process-not physically but emotionally. I fiercely protect so much that I end up forgetting about myself (ie feeling like I’m wasting prayers on myself so that I may pray for others.) Good therapist asked me to repeat what happened during the “most unfathomable hurt.” I repeated what I’ve said so often through tears...”I experienced the love and peace of Jesus Christ like never before. I’ve longed for that closeness since. If I hadn’t experienced the suffering of losing a spouse, watching him pass from this life to eternity I’d never have experienced the Spirit of the Living God like that.” Life changing. Awkward silence in comfy therapist chair. Then calmly the therapist ask me, “When you try and protect people what are you potentially keeping them from.” Me: “pain.” More silence. Wait for it. Ding ding ding. Me: “Wow, when I try and protect my people from hurt/pain or discomfort im potentially keeping them from experiencing Jesus Christ!” Dang, just dang. 

Who am I to want to protect someone I love from that? 

Who am I to stand in the way of a potential life changing experience?

Who am I to think I’m even capable of being someone’s savior? 

Who am I to hinder the work of Jesus Christ in the lives of people I love? 

Who am I to get in the way of something God allows to bring out good?

Who am I to think I can control suffering that God could use to draw someone closer to Him? 

Who am I? 

I saw it this week. Realized that when “hard stuff” happens my momness, and big love for my people turns into -I got to protect them. I don’t want anyone to hurt like the hurt I’ve endured so if I can protect I will. But in doing so I potentially am taking the work of God unto my own not capable hands. To think I may be hindering someone I love fiercely from experiencing God in His fullness and perfectness brings me to my knees asking God to help me do better in this. Guessing loving big can have its downside. Loving big and fiercely protecting could actually be one of the most hurtful things I could do for those I love. So as I’m awake in the wee early morning blogging  I’m asking God to to help me continue to love big, but stand down and let Him be the Protector, the Provider that He promises He is. Help me stand down and watch with love when those I love are hurting because that, that is when those I love may come to experience the Spirit of God like never before. Why, if I love as big as I say, would I ever, ever want to stand in the way of God? 

Father God, thank you for aha moments that make me realize You are so much bigger than me, so much bigger than the love I have for others. Thank you for giving me the heart that is capable of loving. Thank you for allowing me to love you so that I may love others.(1 John 4:19) Hard to say but thank you for the hurt that you allow to draw us closer to you. In the hurt Father, is when our dependence on you is greatest and I’m thankful. So help me not to hinder your plans, plans to draw others-those I love so much, my own children, closer to you in suffering. Instead, help me to pray them through it, depending and trusting that your protection is so much better than mine. I’m not capable of being others savior. You’ve already provided us with our Savior. Help me and those I love depend, trust and believe in Your perfect plans always. Help me give grace and mercy to those in need most. Help me be dependent upon you when meds are not available, when times are bleak and my pain is big. Help me to trust in You even in this...

In your Sons sweet name. Amen. 

Recap/reflection 2017/18

My annual year end/New Year blog post.  Lil recap and reflection. I’d have to say 2017 was mediocre at best. Not the worst, not the greatest. No huge changes with the Richardson 4, just making it day by day. 

Jake started his senior year. That in and of itself makes me a very happy mom. He did meet someone super special that he adores and the rest of us do too. She fits in, appreciates our weirdness and I think enjoys being with us. She’s beautiful, smart, and she comes from good people. Couldn’t have picked a better one myself Jake! He’s finishing his high school career exceptionally, with awesome grades and plans to attend GA Highlands since he’s still on the fence of a major. Fine with this mom—one leaving the nest may be too much for me. 😒 Excited about his graduation and have started the planning of a senior trip. He’s overcome and accomplished much and makes me proud. Big year coming up for this one, excited and anxious with and for him.

Sam started his freshman year. For 2017 he grew and grew and grew. He now looks down at me too. He’s a super student, his determination and organization amazes me. Didn’t get it from me. I see him stepping into his dads shoes with business sense and drive. He’s ending 2017 with a concussion from basketball. Been pretty bummed to not be playing his favorite sport. He’s finally on the mends and makes me laugh on the reg. He gets his learners in February. Help me now!!  Proud of this one.

Molly. Sweet Molls. She’s in the midst of finishing out her elementary school years. As God would have it, He took care of things and landed her in an awesome teachers class. She adores her and wants to be like her. I’ve actually joked and said I think they may be one in the same person. 😊 Heading to middle school in 2018. Oh. My. Word. NO!!!!! With this year I’ve seen many changes in her. She’s slowly becoming more independent, more confident in who she is. Got to see a brave side of her -a stent in the ER and she amazed this mama with her braveness facing needles and test. Her heart continues to amaze me, and her smile continues to get me through many days. Her sass and ‘tude takes me back to 11 years old. I’m proud of her. Little by little she’s growing up.   

Me. Like I said a mediocre year. Maybe that’s the wrong word but it wasn’t the best or the worst. I guess a year that you overcome hurdles and deal with life issues is more than mediocre-I guess it’s more fantastic. Mediocre doesn’t mean I haven’t recognized and appreciate all my blessings. Lord, I’m blessed. Everyday I get to wake up in a house that’s mine, with kids that are mine and I have people that are mine that love me and I love them. I get to wake up everyday with the breathtaking assurance that I am HIS.  I laugh uncontrollably some days with people I interact with daily, I laugh at myself more than not and my kids and I-boy do we laugh together. There’s not much more you can ask for than to just be comfortable with the ones you love. Nothing more satisfying in being comfortable with who you are. Nothing more sure in knowing Who has my days. 

I guess the mediocrity comes with the fact that my oldest sis was delivered the stinking cancer diagnosis, knowing she already had financial issues, with 2 kids in their teens. Watching her endure chemo would actually be less than mediocre. Down right hard. Mediocrity comes with watching someone endure months of limbo of a decision to be made by someone else, that could change lives. Mediocrity comes from days that are just days of getting up, doing life and not appreciating where I’m at. Mediocrity is looking too far ahead into things and becoming disappointed because I haven’t lived in the moments enough. Mediocrity is not trusting God enough when I know He is more than what I should ever need. Mediocrity is knowing there is so much more than just this...

But maybe, just maybe, a mediocre year is ok. Maybe mediocre keeps me humble and desiring more. Desiring more from others, from life, from God. Maybe that word will drive me to more for the New Year. Prayerfully knowing that more time with God is so much more than mediocre, living in the moment instead of looking too far ahead will make the mediocre more joyful and enjoyable. I can attest-moments are fleeting, watching my 3 get older-so fast. Thinking about my lil grandmom turning 98 in November, and now is being made comfortable with hospice, after a fall,  makes me wonder what she’s thought about in these slower years. Makes me wonder what moments she wished she’d stayed in just a bit longer. Makes you wonder who’d she choose to spend more time with if she could, what she would cut out of her life to make it better and if there were times she’d stopped looking to the future and just stayed in the moment. 

Maybe mediocre is good but maybe there’s more than just mediocrity and maybe it’s in the moments before us and not in the future. So here’s to a mediocre 2017 -the love that was felt and shown, may 2018 be much of the same but with so much celebration of right decisions, cancer cures, graduations, driving, growing, becoming. May we all just stay in the mediocre moments and big moments a bit longer, hold the ones we love a tad tighter and longer, knowing that this New Year will be over quickly too. God Bless and Happy New Year to you and yours. ~D

Why?

For some reason a theme has been rolling around in my head for days. Not sure where it came from, where I'm going with it but it's been rolling around enough to disturb me.

Then tonight I get a call, a text, another call. Not saying I'm prophetic my no means. I truly think it's coincidental, either way I'm crying myself to sleep tonight with again, a broken, wondering heart. 

Just when you think life is pretty sucky  you're reminded that there is always someone going through far worse. When you think life handed you lemons there's always someone that's been handed more. I've been reminding myself this when pity parties flare up even now. There's always someone somewhere that's struggling a bit more, hurting a more, heart wide open broken when yours seems on the mend.

Tonight. Tonight I find out that my deceased friends children literally became orphans tonight. Why?? First their mom and now...and now their dad. Why?

Yes they've lived a good life since mom left to be with Jesus. Thankfully a grandmother stepped into those hard shoes to be filled by anyone and carried on life. They may not have been with their daddy everyday, but he was in their life. He was still their daddy. But now...

My heart is broken on so many levels tonight. Reminder to all of us that are single by death how easy our children can be left as orphans as well. How in a seconds notice children that have already endured too much must re-live this hurt again. Why? 

Father God-tonight I pray for all of us asking why. I pray for 2 children's hearts that are assuredly asking why as well. Father, remind us that You see them. Remind us that You are not the author of confusion not fear. Remind us Father that you are good. Father remind these children that they are loved by a grandmother so much that she gave her life up to raise them once her own child was gone and will continue to do so. Father, help me and many others feeling the same thing tonight of the verse I just posted---a Father to the fatherless. Dear God please let them feel your love, your arms around them tonight. Be with those that have lost a son today. A husband. Father God provide comfort and peace for these kids and for even my own heart tonight. Even for my children tonight. I have to thank you for reminding me to never get too comfortable with life, how easy things can change. Hear my prayer for these children Father God. Please give them peace. This feeling I have Father use it to change me, to help me mother well, to be who I need to be more intentionally. If there's rainbows as reminders that their mom is looking down and if there's a way you can show them you see them in the next day's God...please show these children its brilliance and brightness. Help us pray for them and love them through. In Jesus Name. Amen. 

And there's always someone somewhere in a worse place than even us. Broken. Questioning and can't even fathom why? 

Maybe...

One of those days I woke up struggling. Insecurities, questions, fear. Spring seems to take my hand and subtly drags me back into the pits of fear and insecurities and even still-grief. Deathaversaries, Easter, all seem to fire up some things that you honestly don't want to have relive. 

Then there's a similar death in the community, someone we've all prayed for, worshipped with. She, too, was mid 30's with small children. Living life and just like that the rug was pulled out from under hers, her husbands and children's feet with a diagnosis. Just like that his wife and their mom is gone. Similar but very different. I was asked on Sunday what he must be feeling. From my wanting to say the right things I just said 'so today he's just on auto-pilot wondering how the heck he's going to do this.' 

What I wanted to say and didnt say was completely different. I wanted to say, "right now he feels completely betrayed by His God, the very one that was suppose to and could have saved her. He's looking around at everyone and wondering how the hell can their lives just go on? How can others get up and go to work, to school when their life just took a freaking jolt.  He's wondering how in the world he will manage without her. He's wondering why in the world God thought he could be a single dad to a girl and a boy and work and whatever else. He's wondering how it is going to be to wake up and not have someone to say good morning and kiss goodbye. He's probably going to throw himself into parenting and forget about himself for awhile. He's probably thinking how in the world can I ever worship God again?" 

Maybe he's not thinking these things at all. Maybe his faith wasn't rocked, maybe since he's the bread winner he's not worried about bills and college and maybe he's a dad that has it together and knows all the right things to say to his children when they ask why God chose her. Maybe in seven years when he's seeing someone and they get busy and don't call to say good morning he won't think the very worst and think something tragic has happened and literally be scared to call to find out that yes, he will endure this again. Maybe he will be secure in his new love and never question them leaving through death or to choose to leave for another. Maybe the fear of abandonment won't be an issue. Maybe dates and anniversaries will be just dates and anniversaries. 

Maybe just maybe the death of his wife and mother of his children will change him. Change his perspective for the better. Maybe he will realize that making money and having the best of the best is just a benefit but finding true love in God and in his children and maybe one day another  will be what gets him up in the mornings and give meaning to his life. Maybe he won't have to question Pauls words about staying unmarried being the best because loneliness sucks. Maybe he can find a love completely different but the same with someone new.  Maybe when he sees his daughter smile at him he gets to see a glimpse of her mom in her eyes when memories start to fade. Maybe when he hears a video the kids are watching and he hears her laugh it makes him smile. Maybe he will see Gods true goodness, His unfailing love, his faithfulness in the years to come. Maybe he will come to understand Gods need for her in heaven more than on earth. Maybe he will figure out the strength that God knew he had but he'd never dreamt of having. Maybe using that strength makes him exhausted. Maybe he will not be afraid in a few years that his prayers were not strong enough to save her. Maybe he comes to know Gods will is always perfect no matter what. No matter what we thought. 

Maybe there will be someone that will love his kids just as she would and finish out life with him and he can share memories with out fear of hurting others. Maybe he will grieve for years and not be judged for it and know that she is where she desired to be. Even if it meant leaving. Maybe he will know that God thought highly of his children to take their mom because He knew they, too, would show strength and courage through it all. Maybe his friends will continue to pray for him, help him in the days to come. Maybe the auto-pilot is still on and he's finding the Holy Spirit in the midst of his family. Maybe he will continue to find sweet comfort in that sweet Spirit. 

Maybe in a few years he can write a blog on a Friday morning to unload what's weighing down his heart

Three point Buzzer Beaters!!

Thought I was doing good by going to bed early but then I wake up at 11:30 like it's 7am. So i decided to write what's swirling through my head. 

As the mom of the year that I am I realized that it was past time to take Sammy to the eye doctor. A few years ago he had a sports physical and I stood beside him while he covered one eye and tried to read the infamous chart. Left eye was fine, right eye...not so much. The next year, same thing. Fast forward to this year and we saw a doctor for his sports physical. The good doctor told Sam and I that he almost didn't pass because of his eye test. Dang! Mom of the Year!! That was even with Sam, ummmm cheating a bit by looking through spaced fingers using the eye that was suppose to be covered. Don't judge. He was passed to play the sport he loves...basketball. He's had a stellar year this year. 8th grade starter, even got to start a few times on the JV team.  He's played well, more aggressive than I've ever seen him play. He's making this magic little shot every. Single. Time. He's blocking and passing and I gotta say I enjoy watching him play immensely. 

He was out shooting his new gun he received for Christmas the other day and upon returning I was told he was having to shoot left handed because his right eye and the scope wasn't meshing so well for a good shot. 

Oh yea, mom of the year needs to make that appointment.

 He was out of school for MLK so what better day? Let me remind you-the boy had never had a real eye exam. So we luckily get in to see the new Dr. Herron. The preliminary test with the tech made me feel like the mom of the year that I am...horrible. My boy can't see. As a matter of fact the exam revealed he's legally blind in his right eye. WHAT??? Thankfully he can have 20/20 with lenses. Whew!

In Sam fashion, he hasn't complained, just squinted his way through life the past few years and squinted his way through a great basketball season. 

He's reluctant to wear glasses, maybe a lil more reluctant to wear contacts. I get it. I'm notorious about squinting instead of donning my glasses. Time didn't allow glasses shopping  or an appointment yet for contact lenses so that is at the top of the to-do list. Don't judge! Out of town basketball games, basketball practice and now let's throw in the first baseball practice, a yet-again rescheduled orthodontist appointment---there's just not enough time. And that's just one kid.

It's on the to-do list.  

Sam had a game in Ellijay against North Ga Christian Tuesday night. We traveled up there to watch. I thought on the drive up about how much of a better ball player he would be if he could actually see. Then I thought will his ability to see again mess his game up, since he's learned how to play partially blind? Had he adapted so well that new sight messes things up? 

Then the shot!!! 

There was maybe a second left in the 2nd quarter right before half-time.Sam had the ball about 10 ft outside  the 3 point line. He looks up , he shoots, the buzzer begins to fill the gym and swoosh. 3 point buzzer beater!!! I think he was as surprised as anyone. The crowd loved it, mama loved it most. I proceeded to tell everyone that we just found out he's legally blind in his right eye. They were shocked but all agreed he was doing good only half seeing. I know Sam will be more reluctant now to wear glasses or contacts wondering if his shots will change, will his depth perception be off for awhile? Will it change his game? I know that sounds shallow but stick with me here. 

I'm  laying here wide awake at 12am thinking about how this so relates to our spiritual life. How many times do we not do the right thing, change what needs to be changing, be obedient, move away from our sin, not seek God wholly because we know it may change us? Will it change us because we've adapted? Even if the change is for the better?? How many times do we stick to not seeing because we've learned to adapt to -not seeing? How many times do we continue to stay the same because we are scared of the way it may change our perception of things around us? Are we scared we will no longer be able to have those buzzer beater shots? How do we trust God enough to realize that there possibly could be more buzzer beaters, more precision to our game? 

The answer is simple...FAITH! 

If we gain courage enough to put on those glasses or contact lenses of faith I'm sure that life would be clearer, more abundantly beautiful. There'd be more free throw shots made, more 3 pointers in life and just an all out better game. I think we sell ourselves short daily by only half seeing the more clear picture of what Jesus Christ has to offer us. 

Are we willing to see clearly? Are we so scared of changing that we allow darkness to keep us separate from what God has to offer? Life eternal, richness in love, sweet closeness with Him. 

I know that once Sam gets the courage to pick out his new specs and his new contacts (blue ones) he will realize what all he's been missing by not seeing. Same for me, when I decide to be brave and step out in faith and do the things that allow me to draw closer to Father then I will see Him more clearly. I will be able to align my living according to what's right in His eyes. 

Sam, I know glasses and contacts are different, new, but do you realize how much better the world around you will look? Clear sight. May your heart continue to see God clearly through the blurred lines of life in our fallen world. May your physical eyes be corrected and may you see life clearer than ever before. Thank you for continually showing Christ clearly through your character. You amaze me-buzzer beaters or nah.  I just know you'll be a knock-out in your new specs🤓🤓

Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes! 1 Samuel 12:16

Reflecting on reflection

Another year in the bag guys. I usually try to close out one year and enter a new one with a blog reflecting on the past. A wrap up of sorts. 2016! Ummm only word I can describe is maybe --challenging. I learned much about me, about me and about my 3. We faced some issues that totally made me realize that people will always let you down. Always. People that claim to be god-lovin' are usually the ones that disappoint the most. I knew this already but was just reminded again. In dealing with some issues -mainly others questioning my kiddos characters, I learned that mama bear comes out in force and will stop at nothing at protecting her young. I also learned that depending on Gods grace allows you to be filled to the rim with grace as well. Grace to cover things said, and done, hurtful things. Grace to smile and move on. I learned that yes, these 3 of mine are actually pretty resilient. I knew that as well since they've already lived through a hell of their own, and continue to persevere. They showed grace and courage through much that caused disruptions in our lives of normalcy, circumstances that rocked our world. My 3 are superstars. But I knew that too!!

Mama made it through the oldest pulling out of the driveway solo for the first time. Watched as her junior walked into a brand new school, boldly and proudly. And let me just tell you...he's rocking the new school, great grades, actually loves going. One of those moments when you can look back on a hard decision made and know you did the right thing. Bingo. 

Watched my 8th grader continue on a good road. Voice cracks and all. He just closed out his 2016 basketball season scoring 20 points in a game and received the honors of All tourney player.  All I can say is Lord help me, 2 teenage boys under one roof is a lot for this mama, but we are doing it. 

Watched my baby girl walk into a new, much bigger school with reluctance and some tears. However, just watched a video her superb teacher took of her singing and dancing in class. She's succeeding and I'm watching her little by little become a tween and little by little helping her become not so dependent on me. 

Three out of 4 of us endured school changes, I went back to my beloved preschool and encounter 16 toddlers a week that love me no matter what. I can't believe I get paid to love babies. My cohorts and I laugh on a daily basis so I can't ask for much more than that. 

Basically, 2016 has been fairly good to us. Thankful for introspection, to be able to learn from life. I was having a conversation and was asked about my dreams and goals for the future. At first I'm like do 47 year olds still dream? Are we even allowed too? Heck the way I look at it 1/2 my life is over. So I took on the challenge to think about that. While I was disrobing my old house of decorations I thought--yeah I have small dreams. Nothing huge. More travel, maybe a ministry, but mainly my dream and wish is to help my 3 start life, then be disposable for each--when they need mama I want to be able to drop everything and run. That's been my life's dream-to be a mom. So I'm basically in the middle of my dream. Shallow?? Maybe. I also came to the realization that life, my life, has hindered dreams. I had them, then life happened so those dreams were put on hold, dissipated I guess. Then my way to survive was just living day to day. If you don't think too far into the future then you won't be as disappointed when things don't go as planned. So in realizing I may sound like the most shallow human ever I also realized that I trust God way more than I give myself credit for. In living day-to-day as I have I know His plans prevail. Whether I think they are good plans or not. I can smile knowing that I've finally surrendered myself enough to Him that I know He has my every second. Yes, I still worry and fret-it's my nature, but I know in the bigger picture that He's got me. I've been in a place, thankfully, where total dependence on Him to survive was all I had. How grateful I am that I still remember, recall and live today knowing no matter what His plans are they are so much better than mine. Even through my why's and even through my doubts. I know that He's my planner, He's my author of an ever changing story. So shallow or not I'm realizing I don't really allow myself to dream anymore- I'll trade my dreams on knowing that I trust Him more than I've ever given myself credit for. Trusting His will for my life for 2017 and beyond. This realization lets me face a new year and close out an old one with confidence and faith...knowing He's got me. Thankful! Blessed! I can get teary eyed knowing how he has, how he does and how he will cover me with protection, grace and guidance and trusting His plans are just perfect  for me. Out with the old-in with the new. Happy New Year! May this year bring faith, hope and love to you and yours. 

Ephesians2:10

Dear God, yesterday in church Pastor J was talking about Ephesians 2:10-you know it because you wrote it--
"For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." While I love  this verse and love thinking about how you thought of me before I was even an actual thought, this verse makes me nervous in a way just as Psalms 139:13 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb." I love that it's reassurance that you loved me even before I was here to love, I love that it means to me that you know me and that I am enough. I'm thinking the reason it makes me nervous is because maybe, just maybe, the life I've lived. Was it truly your intention for me to be anxious, fearful and untrusting? Did you really make me that way? Or did you make me that way so that I would be dependent upon you? Did you knit me together to have this chihuahua like heart about me? The fear God, the questions, the thoughts-did you intend for me to be this?? While I'm asking some very pointed questions did your plans really include the suffering? Was that also a way to turn me toward you? When you thought of me did you have in your plans that I'd one day be a widow and mom of 3? Did you include that in my life plan to use that for your glory? If so God I need direction. I need direction in knowing how you want and desire for me to do "good works." I'm caught in the middle God, caught in the middle of moving forward and staying still. If I stay still it looks as if I "can't get over it" or that I'm " wallowing." If I move forward how do I/we use what we've endured for your goodness? How do I talk about how you've been there when I'm desperately trying to move forward and move on. How can I talk about the time in my life that brought me closest to you without looking like I'm hanging on to a dead mans memory.  Can you direct me? How can my fear and discontent be any good to you? How can the fear of being left -either by death or choice- be how you intended for me to live? Tell me, is my day to day living enough of "good works?" I can't see it because I fail daily. Enlighten me God, if I can handle it, enlighten me and help me not feel nervous about these versus and help me know what my purpose is. Help me know the purpose of what I feel daily, what I've endured and what I've suffered. Guide and direct me. Help me appreciate that you made me this way, that you saw my life before I was even life. Help me grasp that and help me grasp what you have for me. Help me know what my "good works" is for you. Help me move forward and sit still at the same time. Help me know that you have been and will always be all I need. Thanks for letting me be transparent with you God. Thank you for letting me not have to jockey for a position with you as I do with people.  Thanks for always knowing my heart before I even speak the words. Thanks for "getting" me because you made me this way when others don't get me at all. Thanks for loving me just the way I am. Help me do what my purpose is. Reveal much God. Reveal and let me grab and run with it. I love you and thank you for loving me. Goodnight.

Summer restlessness!

Summer and the  beach has come and gone, starting of school staring us in the face, another birthday for me. Restlessness is setting in. As much as I remind myself to stay in the moments of right now, the moments of life in a constantly changing state-little to big things- changes in schools, changes in jobs, changes in emotions, it's hard to not become restless and stay in the moment. I can talk a big talk to others when I say 'enjoy the here and now, take it all in, feel blessed for where you are,' I find it very hard for myself. I've fought anxiety for sometime now and I've learned to deal with it better as time goes by, however, the restlessness of life seems to feed the anxiety which reminds me that I'm not depending on the One that has proven before that He can calm it all for me. He can calm my runaway thoughts, my undue worry. If I let Him ordain each moment I can better live in the moment. 

I find myself wanting to hit the pause button on my 3's growth and aging. I feel like if I don't pause it that I will lose control and before I turn around again they will all be gone, grown and I'll have missed it. So as summer seems to be racing by at a faster pace than I'd like I want to just pause for a second and let God control my restlessness. It seems, though, when I sit for just a moment to collect my thoughts, reflect a bit, that is when the thoughts start spiraling out of control. ~ I haven't spent enough quality time with my 3, do I talk to them enough, am I being the mom I'm suppose to be, is my impatient self ruining our days, is sitting here writing my thoughts really what I should be doing when I should be re-doing Molly's room that I promised her we'd do this summer? 

 Am I giving my all to a relationship that means the world to me? Am I more of a burden than one that brings happiness? Am I enough? Will I always be enough?   I promised myself to do more for me this summer, to exercise, spend time with God in the early morning. I wasn't going to be so rushed as we are during the school year. I was going to get the house back in order before the chaos set in of single-momness set in. I've done none of this and summer is getting closer to over. ~ All these thoughts feeds the restlessness and then the guilt that follows makes it worse even still. 

I don't want to look back and have regrets and wishing for do-overs, I don't want to miss out on my 3 before they are grown and gone. I want to cherish every moment, every second, mundane to exciting, and soak it every bit in. I want to go from one season to the next knowing I did what I could and feel really good about it. How can I accomplish this? How do I not want more when graduations finally happen, when they drive out of my driveway packed for college,when my baby girl walks down the isle, when in time yet another in my life leaves earth? How can I know that it was all enough? Living  in the now is harder to do than say and I'm learning this too well. As I type this, this verse is all I hear-

"So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matthew 6:34

I'd like to start his sentence with a capitalized BUT, but if I do use that word BUT then that clearly shows that I don't believe what Jesus has said. How do I not worry about tomorrow, August 2nd the start of new schools, new school year,how do I not worry if I'm doing what I'm suppose to do? How do I not feel restless, how do I not want more time? How do I not want do-overs? I clearly don't know the answer to any of these questions or I wouldn't be writing this blog. 

Thankfully, when I write it out-it's out there, my words tend to hold me accountable, and I'm held accountable by those that read my thoughts, even though you have no idea that just by reading my thoughts you're actually holding me accountable. I'm praying and working on turning my restlessness into peace I can only find in the comfort of Jesus. I'm desiring for His love, that's held me together as I've felt I may fly apart before, will again and still hold me together again. I'm desiring for Him to slow my thoughts, calm my anxiety and help me to live for today and be thankful for today. To trust Him with my tomorrows-and whatever those tomorrow's hold. Thankful that I've lived and learned how He can and will hold me together when I can't do it on my own. Praying that I practice what I preach-and I live and love in the here and now, enjoy the big and small and trust Him with every second. And at the end--have no regrets. Restlessness...just be gone already

Pathways

It's late Thursday night and my Beach Departure Depression has set in. Moreso than usual this time it seems. After many years of frequenting PCB, B.S(before Shane) and then starting back 6 years ago, I regretfully admit to never visiting Shell Island. This year we were able to do just that for an ALL day excursion. We loaded up everything we needed for a day at a secluded beach, even apprehension for those of us that like toilets and amenities of modernness  and such. We arrived on the bay side unpacked with all the kiddos help and set up for a day. I was told that there was a little pathway over to the ocean side. Little did I know that pathway lead me to an encounter with Gods creation like no other time. If you know me, then you know my love for the beach, how I feel closer to God, how I find peace and comfort in the massiveness of the water, the control of the tides, just everything. Today, as I dodged thorns and such on that skinny pathway, the excitement mounted the closer I got to the other side. I could hear the water-no other sounds, I could see the pure whiteness of the sand and then the bluest purest green water I'd ever seen. Gods best just waiting for me. Only a few people were there along with us and then they left so it was pretty secluded. I was able to just sit for a moment in the sand, face toward the sun and was able just to soak it all in. Every bit of it. I literally could have cried thinking about the similarities of the crossing over from a perfect place seated on the "bay" side down a thorny unsure pathway to what God really has to offer us in life. Yes, I would have been satisfied and just as comfy to have stayed at the waters edge and never have chosen to "see" what was on the other side. Thankfully, I chose to take that path of uncertainty and walk, one foot in front of the the other over a pathway to something even more spectacular. Later, same thing. We boated a little further down the island to a spot not frequented as often. We took a boardwalk from one side to the ocean side. Once we started walking  on that boardwalk we discovered missing boards, exposed nails and lose bowed boards. Each step we took was a step of uncertainty, but oh the reward we received once we got to the end. Another pristine beach, with absolutely no one around, just water the color of emeralds, sand as white as snow, Gods amazingness was for us to see and enjoy. 

Isn't that just how life is? Pathways of unsure steps, lose boards, exposed nails and just hard stuff. Isn't it nice to know that if we are faithful enough to trust God with our paths that He will show us His finest, offer us His best. 

So thankful that today that I chose these pathways and thankful that I've trusted God along some pathways I didn't quiet choose in life, and some Ive  chosen. The thorns, the yuck of them are always rewarded with His sweet blessings, sometimes in the form of close-to-heaven beaches, sometimes in the form of encounters with people, sometimes in the form of just a great place in life. Pathways are good. Praying I continue to trust His paths for me, that I can live through the uncomfortableness of some of those paths and that I always recognize the blessings at the end. 

A Walk with God

Sleep has again escaped me. Unfortunately, when things of life, heart matters, decisions face me, sleep leaves me. This morning, woke up way before alarm went off. I tossed and turned, tried to pray, tried to listen and none of those were working out. I saw the sun peeking through my window as if to ask me to join him. I did. I laced up my new kicks the kiddos got me (with my credit card) put on my sweatshirt and headed out. No earbuds to distract me, just me, the wind, the sun, birds, and the sound of my feet meeting the pavement. As the wind blew the cold on my face I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks,not because I was crying but because of the cold. Then it hit me. Jesus was telling me to cry, to get it out. So the tears from the cold mingled with the tears of my heart. So much yuck surrounding me-decisions, change, exhaustion, that oh so unsettled feeling that takes over now and again. I had a little JOLT from Jesus this morning. That jolt reminded me that I'm in the midst of arguing with my Father. I feel He is telling me one thing while my heart and head is telling me another. As I walked I talked. 'But God this is what I want and I thought you wanted this for me to.' 'God you said you'd take care of me but why do I feel alone.' 'You said you'd help me raise these 3 alone and I feel I'm doing it all by myself.' I stopped talking and...NOTHING. Only the sounds of my feet, only the birds and only the wind. Made me even angrier with Him. I literally wanted to stop and stomp my feet and shake my hands toward the blue blue sky. Instead I kept walking. I rounded the corner to notice the neighborhood pool has been drained. For months we've seen the grossness floating on the top covering the even grosser stuff in the bottom. Then I heard Him. "Im trying to drain you of you and your grossness, your dirt, your insecurities, your fears, im trying to drain you of you DeAnn! I'm trying to bring you back to me and the clearness of what I can do. I'm so much more than you can even fathom. I'm even more than you experienced with me 6 years ago through sickness, death and dying. I Am the Great I Am. If you will just let me do what I want and need to do it will be clear as that pool will be when cleaned with chemicals. Clear. I will give you answers but only when I seen its time. I will help with your insecurities, with your unsettledness, I will protect you and I will Father your fatherless children. You just have to BE STILL." 

I heard him, didnt like it. Sometimes I wished I could physically feel Him, like Jacob did when he wrestled with Him. Maybe if God just held me down and told me what He wanted for me then I'd get it. But no, God is gentle and loving with me. He finds me on cool morning walks, He Jolts me with a bit of Jesus with wind and sun. He tells me that I don't have to be insecure or question love for me as I do with humans. He is my portion, the one that fills my empty spaces, the one that makes me feel secure. When it gets right down to it He reminds me with visuals of empty pools that He! He is all I need. His cleaning chemical is His love for me. The very love that placed His son on the cross with my name on His lips. The One that had sustained me through some serious pain, loneliness. He's that same God, it's just the grossness of life has made it not so easy to see.  Father God, thank you for urging me up out of bed to walk with you this morning. Thank you for knowing when my spirit needs cleansing with good, sad, confused tears. Thank you for giving me visuals of how Your love works in me. For empty pools, for Jolts of Jesus. Thanks for reminding me that you are still the same God that held me, loved me through something I never thought I'd make it through. For being the same God that will hold me through more hurts and trials. Thank you for letting me stomp my feet and argue with you but being so very patient and loving while I'm pitching my hissy. Thank you Father God for knowing exactly what I need and when. Thank you for reminding me to just sit still for a minute, just wait. Thank you for speaking to me this morning on my walk with you. Thank you for preparing my hear to worship and praise and openly be totally in love with you. You, my God are all I will ever ever need. That, I'm thankful for. I love you. ~d

April 16, 1995

I've said many times before that I blog mainly as a journal so one day my 3 can read them. 

JSM-here's mom and dads engagement story. It was Easter weekend, I was working for Dr Smith and he gave us 1/2 day for Good Friday. Your dad & I reluctantly went to Jacksonville that afternoon with Pooh & PawPaw to see their new house, to check on Shane doing some classes there for summer. It was a bittersweet day. Pooh & PawPaw excited to start a new chapter, leaving behind Calhoun, moving back to the little town in which they met. I felt like it may just be the end of your dad  & I. Him moving an hour away, new school-I felt our relationship was doomed. It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed it for the most part. We headed back to Rome for a Friday night dinner at Longhorns. We had to wait so we sat at the bar and ate peanuts. I was a little miffed because Shane kept talking to Pooh, leaving me out I felt. Little did I know. We ate, said our goodbyes to Pooh & PawPaw & called it a night. Shane had a big game against Shorter the next day. 

I'm not sure why-but I didn't go to that particular game that day, rarity but something else was going on. Fast forward to Easter Sunday, April 16, church then to Plainville to Granny's for lunch, egg hunt with Tyler. I left to go to Pooh & PawPaws for Easter with them. When I got there, there was the immediate family, and then some. When I walked in Shane grabbed my hand and took me straight to his room, strange, especially as everyone else followed. When I got inside, there sat a white decorative bunny with a small pink box sitting on its paw. He just looked at me and said open it. I did. Inside was a beautiful emerald cut emerald with diamonds on each side. I looked at him confused and then he asked me..."will you marry me?" Of course,  you know what I said. Yes! Everyone was soooo excited, hugging us, wishing us well. Until...we got back to Rome. Mimi wasn't as happy about the whole engagement. She actually looked at my non-traditional ring and asked me what it was. It wasn't that she didn't like Shane--she just felt like she didn't know him. We'd only started dating in October, so it was 6 short months. She eventually apologized and eventually fell head over heels in love with him. 

Apparently, when I was feeling all left out as he and pooh talked at Longhorns he was telling her he wanted to propose and he needed a ring. He knew I'd always wanted an emerald so he asked his mom to help him. He had 1 day to get a ring because he wanted to propose on Easter Sunday. Thankfully she knew several jewelers in Calhoun and they allowed her to take several rings with her on approval,  to Rome, to a baseball field. When she got to Shorters field(where Rome plays now at the levee) she called him out of the dugout-he saw  the one he wanted and proceeded to finish the game. I'm sure Coach Shartzer was none too happy-seeing how I was already to blame for "getting into Shane's head" and "messing up his game." Oh well. He made his choice of the ring and in me and the rest is history. He finished that season of ball, moved to J'ville for the summer after many tears on mine and his part. He returned to Berry in the fall to finish his accounting major while I started planning a wedding for May 18, 1996. 21 years ago and many things have happened. If that day hadn't happened where would I be- I'd be without you 3, and without the assurance of a loving God. Always remember -Gods plans are perfect and you were a part of those plans--even 21 years ago. One day I hope to help you boys and help you Molls with the beginning of a chapter in your life that's oh so sweet. Hope these memories will allow you a picture of what love is, that true love prevails-even through separations and circumstances that work against you. What's meant to be will be. 

1 Corinthians 13! Xoxo

Seeing Jesus in Botched BeachTrips, Flu and Yuck

When I know I have the alarm set for an unbelievable hour, I can't sleep. When I can't sleep, I think. When I think too much I have to get it out and then a blog post is born. Be forewarned however...this post may come out as a jumbled up mess because that's where I'm at right now...a jumbled up mess. But here goes. 

Most of you know by now my love and my deep need/desire for beach therapy. We had a spring break trip planned for a few weeks now and had been looking forward to it. I mean when I say look forward to it-I mean live for it. A few weeks ago life just got a little messed up, as life will do sometimes. All I can and will say is  children make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes can mess life's flow  up. Anyway, the beach trip was needed/desired even more. We just needed a little respite from life, the everyday, the disappointments, especially the time of year. Satan saw the need to intervene and mess things up a little more. As I was fighting an infection of my own Sam spiked a fever Saturday night on a family outing. I took him to the doctor on Sunday to see if we could nip such Satan sickness and carry on with beach plans. We left there knowing nothing, tested false for flu, was told to treat symptoms. We decided to delay departure for the beach. I figured I could take care of some things while we waited this virus from Satan out. Fever continued to climb, boy continued to deteriorate. Tuesday came with a plan to leave---Molls woke up with same symptoms, cough, cough turned to fever, and like clockwork Jake started coughing, fever spiked.
#currentsituation 3 kids down!

The decision was made that this trip wasn't going to happen. Thankfully it was offered to us so no hidden fees etc. Still!!!! Disappointed is not even the word I could describe as a feeling. All this mama wanted, needed, desired, was a short trip to relax, reflect, and enjoy my 3. School, work, life has a way of stealing time away from precious family moments. It was going to be a time to reconnect, restore and have some conversations that we needed to have. It was going to be a time to escape Holy Week and what memories are stirred up and brought up of Holy Week 6 years ago. For a few years now we've done just that...escaped TO THE BEACH.

Here's part of a text I sent to J concerning this week as he wanted to help..."sad to say but we are in the midst of all the memories right now. Think it's been kinda cruel that we've been made to stay inside as we were then. Mom bringing food, people checking in for different reason but checking in. Just the overall gloom and doom of sickness looming-even if it is just the flu this time, keeping up with a medicine log. Being bone tired from emotion. Just a walk to the mailbox as an escape today, as I did then,was hard. Not as tough as it was then or even 3 years ago-but it's still there. Not that I miss him as I use to, but the memories of his struggle, coinciding with Good Friday, Easter weekend. And then we get to live it again on the April 3rd. Just lots going on in our lives today that bring up lots of stuff as then."

 I went on to thank him for wanting to help even when he doesn't understand grief himself and how it's heavy one minute and light the next. He explained he thought he may never know how to help. He's close to us, how can I expect people that don't know us as well to even come close to understanding. Maybe that's why so many have let us down by not 'being there.' Maybe it because they just don't know how. I had the opportunity to explain to someone how 6 years may seem a long time but to my 3,most days, it seems like yesterday. It's always there. They've learned to cope with the loss, but mostly the absence. They've learned to live and be raised by a single mom, which has been put into question lately by those that don't know us at all. They've learned to cope as best they know how, one by pushing feelings way down and finding ways to escape. One by being more determined, more motivated, but not really dealing and one that clings to her mom because I'm all she's really known or had. These ways of coping aren't perfect, but it's the way they've gotten up each day, put one foot in front of the other and carried on. Carrying on is all I can ask of them. There will be mistakes, there will be trials, there will be constant let downs by people that are suppose to care for us. I will let them down. So I'm using this season, this time, down to this week to show them that our trust is in God and Him alone, man will always let you down. Satan will always try and steal your joy. Circumstances will change and disappointments will happen (ummm axed beach trips.) Sickness' will occur, sometimes flu sometimes something more serious to botch things up. People will come and go in and out of our lives, but one thing remains...Jesus and His love and goodness for us. 

While talking about how disappointed we all were to not get to go to the beach Sam speaks up and says maybe God was just protecting us from a really bad wreck, bad storm or something. He then reminded me that circumstances that swirl around us may just be a God thing as well. Gods revealing and God is guiding. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. Even during spring breaks up to our knees in flu, even when people have let you down, even during the weeks of heavy grief, even in the everyday. 

He shows up and he reveals his goodness-through a friend that drops off a candle that smells like the beach because she's just been thinking of me for 2 weeks,he shows up through text from various friends and family.  He shows up through a neighbor in her new car as I walk to my mailbox and through her own experiences encourages the pants off of me--while I stand in the street. He shows up in my kids daily, despite what others may think and say. He covers us with unending grace and unending mercy, even the days I'm mad at Him for my botched beach trip;) He shows up in a tree that blooms on a deaths anniversary every year to remind me of renewal, restoration and beauty, even from death. 

He shows up in a man that prays for me, that shares his laughter with me and wants to help in the yuck of life. 

You see my 3 -even out of death, disappointments, mistakes, botched spring breaks, flu, cancer- you can find HIM. You can find the one that spoke "DeAnn, Jake, Sam, Molly" as they placed him on the cross. You need only Be Still, and it doesn't even have to be on the beach:)

Happy Holy Week.  Take a moment to reflect that He whispered your name as well. The alarm is about to go off so I can administer meds to my crew to get us through the night. One fevered foot in front of the other. Carry on. 

Here and Now

A week has passed and I'm still chewing on and digesting my experience last weekend. I was able to attend Women of Faith with a group of almost 70 women. There's something to be said about that many women leaving behind their families, responsibilities, traveling through questionable weather to a city that the mayor has asked his residents to leave. The enemy would  stop at nothing to mess up a weekend filled with praise, stories of victory, fellowship. My sister even had money on the fact that I'd back out. Thankfully, I didn't. Sorry Trace.
As I was a part of the moving sea of women bundled up with coats, gloves, scarfs, toboggans through the Marta station I thought how God must've felt about that. How delighted He must have felt watching us as we intentionally made our way to the venue,  knowing we all, in our individual-ness, needed something from this conference. I smile thinking how He already knew which speaker would have words like salve to each woman attending. How He knew which song would strike a chord in someone. How He knew that healing and hope would be found among some of those women. He must've chuckled seeing the weather not stop us, nor dampen our spirits. It's no small feat for moms, wives, to leave behind children and the responsibilities, so a victory was claimed once we all arrived safely.
I'm thankful for having the opportunity to praise my God with old friends, new friends, my blood sister and so many other sisters in Christ. Looking around and seeing so many women desperately seeking their God does something to ones heart. Putting away the everydayness to just be in the moment, to absorb a word is priceless. I'm thankful that I endured, overcame and went.
This conference also made me realize how thankful I am in the here and now of life. After hearing a few of the speakers speak Friday night, after an eventful Marta ride back we made it to our hotel. As tired as we may have been I'm sure a few had the feeling like one of the speakers or songs was meant just for them. My 3 roommates and I rehashed a bit and one spoke up and said, "wow! Each of those women has a story to tell, I just don't have a story like that." I immediately said, "Careful what you say." I remember a few years ago thinking how mundane my spiritual story was. How, if I'd been asked  to give my testimony how uninteresting and boring it would be. I remember thinking what would my story be at the end of my life.
Ahem----fast forward a few years and boy do I have a story. Not only do I have a story but I have "changed my life story." I've regretted saying, "watch what you say" since last Friday night. I should have kept my mouth closed because those words make me sound like I don't like my story. I've said before that I would have chosen a different way for a "changed my life" experience, a different way to get to experience my God. However, as time moves on and I'm able to see Gods plans in action, I'm realizing and coming to terms that my story is just that...my story. My story is Gods plan for me. He planned all that I've lived through to be 'my story.' He chose me for this path. He chose me to mother 3 fatherless children, He chose me to have to change and be the strong one. He chose me to be the main character for this unfinished story.
As the pages continue to turn I'm coming to terms in accepting and being thankful for my story. I've often said that I know people will grow tired of me telling my story, the cancer, death of a husband story, I also remember my sister TD telling me He wasn't finished with my story. So 6 years ago maybe just part of it. Big part? Yes! Only part? No! Time has a way of revealing new chapters, and I've become happy about turning the pages. The anticipation of what the next chapters hold make me smile, make me anxious, makes
me know trusting God is all I can do. He holds the pen/keyboard and even though I may not always like or understand His story for me I'm learning to trust. I told a special someone in a conversation that we've got to learn to be thankful and live in the here and now. To appreciate living in the moment. Hard words to live by. So hard not to worry about next month, next year, next 10 years. Why is it so hard to trust God when we know He planned the here and now. What about the future? Why is it so hard to turn the pages when we know He is the most perfect Author. Why do we question Him when we can flip the pages backwards and read the words of our past and we can see that His story has been perfect for us? Even when the words from past chapters bring us back to hurt, suffering, and questions-- we can see what He was doing, that His plan has always been perfect...bringing us to the here and now.
~"For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."~Isaiah 43:19
Dear God, thank you for my story. Thank you for knowing what I need, when I need it. Thank you for your perfect timing. Thank you for holding the pen that writes out my story...past, present and future. Thank you for the characters in my story that you use to fill my life. Thank you for the suffering, the joyful times. Thank you for helping me understand that You know. You know what I need when I need it. You know what characters in my story exit and enter my life. Thank you for helping me be eager to turn the pages for the future. Thank you for the pages to flip back to as to remind me how perfect your plan really is. Help me to be thankful for my here and now. In Jesus' sweet name. Amen.

This ones dedicated to you J! Thank you for my here and now.

Reconnecting

Ever had one of those days where you felt like the steps you've made forward in your journey was either detoured, halted or slowly, painfully put in reverse? Yesterday was one of those days.
Started with a early morning phone call from PawPaw(Richardson) with news that Pooh(Richardson) had been admitted back in the hospital for kidney failure. She was admitted back in December for pneumonia and they found something strange going on with her kidneys then. Now, they've had to start dialysis. Not the news you like to receive. Can I please ask for prayers for healing, peace, comfort and answers of what's causing the kidney failure.  One thing a sickness/diagnosis of a loved one  will do is put your forward movement into a giant tailspin. Questions, questions about Gods will, questions that remind you of the past.
Then, as I sat in church, listening to what the pastor is implementing to help the congregation to connect with God, conviction set in. Good ole slap you right in the face conviction. The kind that makes you squirm in your seat. Between the conviction and the bad news-church was a restless time for me.
As I sat there listening to the whys and hows of connecting/reconnecting with God I started thinking about how little or much I was connected to God right now in my life. Sad and embarrassed to say that I'm not very connected. I could list the excuses but they would all be the same ones everyone else's are-work, activities, kids, life. However, there's one excuse that I think may just be a DeAnn issue. Squirming in my pew I came to the realization that part of the reason I've distanced or have 'unconnected' myself from God is because, well, I'm scared.

Let me explain. When I think of a time I was most connected with Father, when I couldn't get enough of His Word, when praying came easy, when spending time with Him was of utmost importance -the bottom fell out. I mean fell completely entirely out-I had no bearings, nothing. But I  did have Him. Thankfully, I was connected and that connection with God was my saving grace, a life link when I had nothing else. So bear with me as I continue to explain. I thought today, 'my innermost part desires, needs to be connected back to my Father BUT my fleshy part is scared. Scared that if I become connected again, as I was, that the bottom may just fall out again. Would I be prepared? Yes. Would being connected make the bottom really fall out? Probably not but hell is hell-and I've lived through it and really didn't like it nor desire to go back. My innermost being knows what's right, what's good, what I need to do. But that fleshy being keeps whispering, "remember what happened last time? You're world stopped as you knew it. You endured a living hell."  And yes, I was prepared and ready because I was connected, I was armored up and ready to face what was next. If I'm honest with myself and with you-I don't want to have to endure the bottom falling out again. It was hard-and I'm still gaining footing in the aftermath of it all.  Saying all this,  I'm reminded of hearing myself say often, 'when the bottom fell out was when I experienced God like never before and I'm sometimes scared I'll never again experience Him quiet like that again.' So as my heart and mind begin to intertwine on the right thing, the ONLY thing there is to do I'm turning to my faith. My faith that has gotten me to this point. The faith that allowed an unexplainable, life changing perfect beautiful encounter with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. Pastor Roberts said today one thing that I know is true for certain, "once you've experienced God, you'll never be the same." I know that first hand. I long for that closeness I experienced for that life changing "God is alive and He was here" experience but at the same time praying it doesn't come with the hell I've lived through. If it does? Then God help me to re-connect,  to desire the time with you, let prayers come easy again so that I'm prepared. In my quest to look forward instead of back I'm choosing to re-connect. I'd rather be connected and prepared when/if the bottom falls out again, rather than floundering and wishing I had connected when it was too late.
I've decided  to connect with my God during the times that social media usually steals from me. I've found that social media steals lots from me and adds doubt, and unnecessary worry. So in order to connect I'll be signing off for a while. I may post blogs, pictures but I won't be looking through others lives. Just not that important.
On my drive back from a sweet short visit with Pooh in Alabama yesterday, in the quietness of the car, I allowed my play list to soothe me, to guide me right back to Him, to be able to speak to Him like he was sitting next to me in the passenger seat. It was no mistake that this song came on....https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b4crRPpqoW4
Needless to say it was replayed as tears fell knowing He's just been waiting for my good ole slap in the face conviction to bring me back. I can go back to pursuing, desiring my Father and knowing, trusting that being connected doesn't always mean the worst will happen. If it does? Then  I'm in the best place...sitting at His feet, with His love protecting me. Can't ask for more than that.

Closing out 2015

Closing out

I always like to close out the current year with a few thoughts to later look back on as I welcome a new year. 2015 was good to me and my 3. We continue to survive and actually thrive. 5 years of living through and learning from grief is something we 4 should be proud of. As memories continue to fade a bit more  and grief is slowly losing it's harsh sting and grip on us, we continue to learn and grow from it all. As time slowly takes away certain things it can never take away the love, pain and suffering that makes us who we are right now.
I claimed 2015 as a time to move forward instead of constantly looking back. I think God agreed that it was a good thing, it was time. He's brought so much more healing, He's provided a job for me that I absolutely love, he's allowed me to add to my friendships with some great people I get to work with each day. He has allowed my heart to continue to mend by giving me tons of children to love on,  their sweet love and hugs are the best band-aids.
I hesitate to mention (only because I don't want to jinx it) but here goes  - God has brought joy and laughter and hope to me through a someone. 😊 As I type those words-my smile couldn't be any bigger. Laughter comes easier, days are brighter, and it's easier to look forward instead of back. Thank you.
The kids couldn't be better. Jake continues to grow upward instead of out. His sweet girlfriend has changed him for the better in some areas. He still takes out all his anger on his mom but that's ok-I'm all he has to do that on and I've been told that one day, one day he will come around and love his mama for it. Fingers crossed and prayers said.
Sam is Sam. My middle one-the one who strives to do the right thing. I hold my breath because with growth changes happen. 13 in February. He's not like his brother and hope that holds true through the changes. He makes me laugh daily, still loves his mama. Y'all his heart-his heart reminds me of his dads. Good thing, very good thing.
Molls-her growth stops me in my tracks. She is a 19 year old in a 9 year old body. She needs to stop growing.  Her smile continues to be infectious. She's my lil bestie and continues to want to stay under her mamas wing. I'm good with that because soon, like her brothers, she'll be wanting to leave my nest.
My 3 are the reason I get up, the reason I cry, and reason for my heart to continue to break and mend all at the same time. I love them with my whole being.
As 2015 has brought change, more healing and lots of joy I have to hope that 2016 brings more of the same. I continue to be thankful for what I've been through because it's given me a perspective that most don't have. It helps me appreciate people and feelings, appreciate time, and moments. All the yuck has helped me to appreciate how fast things can change and how precious people are. Learning through all this just how sweet grace and mercy truly are.
As you close out 2015 and you look back -my hope is that whatever has happened, good or bad, your perspective has been changed. That you can learn from what's happened and use it. My prayer is that 2016 is even better than the last. That God continues to plan out our days according to His will. That He continues to heal us, use us for His Glory and let others see Him through us.
Thanking Him for so much, for laughter, joy, time, new people, new experiences.
Closing out yet another year and opening up what a new one has.
Blessings to you and yours.
Happiest of New Years!

~D

Different, Strange and Good

This year, as the Christmas season has hit me square in the gut, I've realized things being different aren't always bad. Don't get me wrong, I've struggled and complained about less time to shop, less time to decorate, less time to enjoy,  just less of everything . Working full-time has allowed me to, once again, change my perspective of life and all things involved. While I do miss the time to think and shop and just be in the season I've realized that with or without time or the most perfect gifts Christmas will still arrive even if DeAnn is ready or not. As Ive listened to our 3 year olds bible story for the past few days, I've heard Mrs. Edwards remind our  11 princesses and have them echo, "Christmas is a birthday. Who's birthday? JESUS!" When they say it they say it with gusto and excitement. Just as it should be said. Clearly a reminder of how excited believers should be about this day and not the gifts, the decorations, attempting to make it all perfect. Every. Year. I struggle with being letdown because I didn't decorate as I use too, my house wasn't as clean as I'd like for it to be when company comes over, I didn't buy the perfect gifts, I didn't get my Christmas cards sent to everyone on my list. Im sure this year will be no different--Ill still have regrets, I'll still feel like I slighted someone or something.
Then there's that perspective thing. As time is scarce and things are different I'm finding that things just don't matter. As I look at my garland that decorates my mantel and see that half of the lights are not burning (literally half the garland is lit) and this is clearly not a Pinterest decor worthy mantel...I just don't care. The other half is still beautiful and in the grand scheme just doesn't matter really. Yea, yea-I may get around to fixing or adding lights then again I may not. As my shopping is more online than actually physically picking things out I'm discovering again, that it just doesn't matter-the thought is still there, time spent doing it and the same love for the person. My house is never as clean as I'd like it to be, my tree is not magazine worthy, and my b'fast casserole will probably be a lil dry again,  but this year, as the last 5ish, have all been very different. Making me realize that different is not always bad. Different changes perspective, different can be actually very good. Different is remembering this is all about the King of Kings BIRTHDAY. The very man we celebrate this time of year was very very different. Different in such a good way.
This year, whatever is different in your life, take a moment to embrace what that is. If it's the absence of someone, if it's different living arrangements, if it's a new work schedule-try to see different as good and different as a time to grow. Hard? Yes!! Just know that nothing good ever stays the same. Embrace the changes, strangeness and differences around you. Let the changes and differences surrounding you change you...for the better. Merry Christmas and remember -"Christmas is a birthday. Who's birthday? JESUS!"
Happy Birthday Jesus and thank you for being different and loving us differently.

Change

Change

So I posted a huge question that's been bothering me.

If change is suppose to be so good then why is it so hard?

I've never done well with change-ever. I like things to stay the way they are and unfortunately we all know things don't stay the way they are-good or bad. I like my ruts, routines, habits. I get comfy and cozy and then if something happens to change my comfy-cozy it disrupts my whole world. You'd think after a life changing experience 5 + years ago I'd have gotten use to change. I haven't. I'm a comfort seeker. We all are, aren't we? Why jump ship if it's not sinking? Why fix something if it's not broke?

When I asked my friend/mentor the above question, her answer was what I needed. Her answer in her too-the-point way was::: "because God wants us to face challenges WITH him, not in independence."

We all know change is inevitable in life. Always something happening to make life a little bit uncomfortable. One of those changes is a new job/career. Especially when you are extremely happy in the one you have. Most of you know I'm an assistant at a pre-school. Love my kids, love my co-workers, love my hours-especially my Fridays off. However, as change has it- so do finances, family needs, the fact that your son is about to be driving which causes huge changes to a moms budget. I was told by my advisors that it just may be time to look for something else. I didn't want to. But I also didn't have to "look." A position became available at Unity, where my kids attend. It all worked out and I start August 3rd. I've been in turmoil about having to leave a job I absolutely love. Asking why am I having to leave when I didnt really want to. This place has been therapeutic to my heart. I started a year after the dynamics of our family had changed. These children, the ladies I work with have been my salve for a wounded, broke-wide open heart. This little school has loved me and my 3, especially Sam and Molly because they went there. Gina,  gave me an opportunity to give and receive something my spirit needed. The school understood Molly's little broken heart and how having her mom close by made it easier. They've prayed for us, given to us. The families of this preschool have done the same. My brown bag Wednesdays always reminded me that we were loved. I've fallen in love with these children as if they were my own. On my worst days id walk in and a child would make the worst days my best. So why would I want to leave? Why leave a job you love--I really don't want too but...

I'm getting to go to a school where I'll be doing the exact same thing. Loving, encouraging children. Letting them love and encourage me. As I cried in my kitchen about some of the children that would have been in my class this upcoming year (that i had when they were 2) sweet Sam placed his hands on my shoulders, looked my square in the eye (yep, he's that tall) and said, "but mom, you now get to be with your 3 kids everyday." Wise boy. I'm being allowed the opportunity to work alongside so many that carried us in prayer during the darkest moments in our lives. They've loved us long and well as a school family and now I get to be a part of that same family. I get to be under the same roof with my 3-which they all, even J, seem to be very excited about. I continue to be able to have their schedule, go home with them at the end if the day, spend Christmas vacation and summer breaks with them. I get to fall in love with some new families, love on their babies as my own.
So as much as I've fought leaving and changing I'm also feeling very blessed. So blessed to be given this opportunity. An opportunity to help my family more financially. As hard as it is to give up those part-time hours I'm feeling blessed that it's not office hours where I will be away from them after school and summers. As much as I hate changing my routine I'm reminded all good things come to an end. Seasons change-so does life. As much as I hate thinking of not being with my old coworkers daily I'm excited to work along new ones, make new relationships while maintaining my old ones. I thank them all for walking alongside of me through this season of life. For loving me through. I thank the parents that have let me pour into their children if just for a little while. It's healed me. There will always be a special place tucked away for my Rome First family. Thank you.
I thank Unity for giving me this great opportunity for me and my 3. I get to be a part of growing the Kingdom. I've sacrificed to keep my kids here because it was important for Shane and I, important to him to keep them here. I'm excited and hesitant all at the same time. Change is hard.
The friend/mentor that I mentioned earlier gave me the best reminder, encouragement of all. When I texted her that I had an offer from Unity she texted me and told me that she knew something like this would happen-that very morning she woke up from a dream in a cold sweat. She explained that in her dream she was in her old office with Shane. They were talking and Shane told her, "Gina, you have to remind my wife that change is good." She said it was so eerie, she couldn't explain it---until I texted her about the job, then it was very clear.
So as I prepare for a new chapter, a new season I ask for yet, more prayers. Please pray that I find peace in it all. That I, along with my 3, find our balance, our new groove. Pray for endurance as I get use to a longer schedule, pray God helps this scattered mom/dad of 3 to manage time wisely. Pray that my heart heals from leaving friends, families and children. Pray that my heart is wide open to love more children, more families, more co-workers. Pray for the teacher I will assist that we may have a great relationship and pray for my class. Especially pray that I see this change as good and from God, that I continue to see it as a blessing.

And yes Shane---you won again. I remember him saying shortly after Molls was born- "DeeDeeBo will have to go back to work full-time when Molly's in school." I shook my head no.  Yep-Shane-you won and yes Shane, CHANGE is good.

~3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2 A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3 A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4 A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5 A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6 A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7 A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8 A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

9 What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?

10 I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.

11 He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.

12 I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.

13 And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God. Ecclesiastes 3:1-13

What Was, What Is and What's Yet to Be

Things that were, are and what's yet to be!

I've told several people this week that July 4th is almost as depressing to me as New Years. As a kid I loved the 4th-always meant a day with family, homemade ice cream, watermelon, fireworks and a late summer night. Always knew that the 4th meant the heat was unbearable so the attic fan went off and the big ole window a/c unit we had came on. These were the days before it was the norm to have central heat and air. I always remember right before bedtime the air was turned off and the attic fan came back on. Windows up at night meant laying there listening to frogs, crickets and summer sounds. Also meant the worst feeling in the world -sticking to ones self-you know-putting the cotton sheet between your legs so your sticky legs stay separated as not to "stick to yourself." Great memories. Those nights I remember thinking myself to sleep of what life as an adult would be. Never dreaming of what real life as an adult would entail, really.
Now the 4th just reminds me that summers almost over-and with that school begins again. The 4th reminds me now, as it use to, that my birthday is just 10 days away and then that was huge, now? -not so much. Just reminds me now how fleeting time really is. Reminds me of how much things change, that I have NO control over.
I went to our neighborhood pool (usually frequent the Murphy compound country club-members only;) for the first time this year yesterday with my longtime friend and neighbor, kindred souls we are. She has 3, I have 3, we've struggled through some yuck together and came out better I think and we both love us some Jesus. As I walked to the pool the silence was deafening, no kids. As I sat down beside her ready to bask in some sun I told her how different it felt without kids underfoot. Use to it was tons of toys, swimmies, snacks, sunscreen, cooler. Lots of "Mama's!" Yesterday it was me, a towel, my phone and a drink. No kids, no "mama's" no swimmies. I lay there remembering how there was once a time I couldn't wait to put the youngest down for a nap and run, I mean run, for just a short hour with just 1 or 2 of the kids for some pool time.  If the boys would rather hang back with daddy--even better.
Today? I have to about pay them to go anywhere with me. Jake's been drifting for a few years now-uninterested in the family pool, rather ride atv's at the compound and ok to stay home alone. This year-the other 2 are only satisfied for a bit to play pool wiffle ball together before they are tired and ready to go. Yesterday, with no one around you would have thought I had lost my right leg. Thankfully me and my friend filled the time solving all of our problems and before I knew it we'd spent several hours-just us ladies doing nothing.
All that alone time got me thinking about life today. This year, this 4th was the first time in 15 years that Jake has not been with me for a holiday. He's always stuck close to home-I always did as well. This year, however, he's gotten himself the sweetest girl friend, Girlfriend? He was invited to spend the 4th with her and her family. Thankful it's her because I love her and her family. I do admit, it was weird not having him around even though he's a distant 15 year old. Which got me reflecting something I mentioned in my last blog post-the fact that I only have a few more days, literal days with him. Before he ventures out into life. Coming right up behind him is Sam. He's always been the social one-going going going. So I've grown use to his short absences. I know that his absences will become more frequent which leaves me and M. I've recognized changes in her as well. Use to, she was always right next to me but now she seems to be growing wings that takes her away more. She doesn't think I hung the moon, stars and sun any longer. Instead the eye rolls and shrugs have already begun. With each passing day--they grow a little bit further away from me. You'd think I'd be ecstatic to have a little alone time.

 I'm not.

 Contrary-I'm dreading it.

I know it's inevitable that they grow, mature and leave but it's all happening way too fast. Would  i feel different if their dad was here? Probably so.
 You see, he and I had big plans. He'd planned to be close to retirement at age 55-in time for us to be able to take road trips to colleges, travel abroad(if I could've persuaded him to fly), and then be full-time grandparents. I always knew that our relationship would be stronger after parenting, growing closer even after they left because we were such good friends. Didn't foresee any of the growing apart that sometimes happens as empty-nesters. Think we'd have had a rekindling of sorts.
Now? Now it's just another #widowprob. Loneliness. While pouring all of your time, energy and love into your children-at the end of the day--they move on. I want them too-I want them to have lives of their own. I don't want them to have to worry about their mom, being lonely, aging. I want them living the life they were meant to live. No, I'd prefer to not be alone in my later years-but it's not looking good. Haven't lost hope but waiting on God. Who knows maybe it's meant for me to be alone so that I can be that full-time grandmother (DeeDee) maybe they'll make me a mom-in-law suite so I can assist in their busy lives.
Or better yet, maybe they'll set me up at the beach with many bedrooms so they can visit for free anytime they want-I promise to cook, I promise not to have  too many rules, I promise to not hover, or insist on time, but promise to love them with unbridled, non-judgmental grandmom love.
So as I wrap up another day by the pool-watching 2 play, dive, laugh and love life and hear the other one take many miles on the bobcat listening to the music I try to like, I think of what was, what is and what's yet to be. Praying I live in each moment, soaking up every bit of time I have with them, remembering I'm never alone, and pray for full, complete, wonderful lives for my 3 and their families one day.  Oh and Lord I'm thankful for central heat and air so that I no longer have to stick to myself. It's the lil things.

Happy What's Left of Summah!!!

~D