Reconnecting

Ever had one of those days where you felt like the steps you've made forward in your journey was either detoured, halted or slowly, painfully put in reverse? Yesterday was one of those days.
Started with a early morning phone call from PawPaw(Richardson) with news that Pooh(Richardson) had been admitted back in the hospital for kidney failure. She was admitted back in December for pneumonia and they found something strange going on with her kidneys then. Now, they've had to start dialysis. Not the news you like to receive. Can I please ask for prayers for healing, peace, comfort and answers of what's causing the kidney failure.  One thing a sickness/diagnosis of a loved one  will do is put your forward movement into a giant tailspin. Questions, questions about Gods will, questions that remind you of the past.
Then, as I sat in church, listening to what the pastor is implementing to help the congregation to connect with God, conviction set in. Good ole slap you right in the face conviction. The kind that makes you squirm in your seat. Between the conviction and the bad news-church was a restless time for me.
As I sat there listening to the whys and hows of connecting/reconnecting with God I started thinking about how little or much I was connected to God right now in my life. Sad and embarrassed to say that I'm not very connected. I could list the excuses but they would all be the same ones everyone else's are-work, activities, kids, life. However, there's one excuse that I think may just be a DeAnn issue. Squirming in my pew I came to the realization that part of the reason I've distanced or have 'unconnected' myself from God is because, well, I'm scared.

Let me explain. When I think of a time I was most connected with Father, when I couldn't get enough of His Word, when praying came easy, when spending time with Him was of utmost importance -the bottom fell out. I mean fell completely entirely out-I had no bearings, nothing. But I  did have Him. Thankfully, I was connected and that connection with God was my saving grace, a life link when I had nothing else. So bear with me as I continue to explain. I thought today, 'my innermost part desires, needs to be connected back to my Father BUT my fleshy part is scared. Scared that if I become connected again, as I was, that the bottom may just fall out again. Would I be prepared? Yes. Would being connected make the bottom really fall out? Probably not but hell is hell-and I've lived through it and really didn't like it nor desire to go back. My innermost being knows what's right, what's good, what I need to do. But that fleshy being keeps whispering, "remember what happened last time? You're world stopped as you knew it. You endured a living hell."  And yes, I was prepared and ready because I was connected, I was armored up and ready to face what was next. If I'm honest with myself and with you-I don't want to have to endure the bottom falling out again. It was hard-and I'm still gaining footing in the aftermath of it all.  Saying all this,  I'm reminded of hearing myself say often, 'when the bottom fell out was when I experienced God like never before and I'm sometimes scared I'll never again experience Him quiet like that again.' So as my heart and mind begin to intertwine on the right thing, the ONLY thing there is to do I'm turning to my faith. My faith that has gotten me to this point. The faith that allowed an unexplainable, life changing perfect beautiful encounter with God, Jesus and Holy Spirit. Pastor Roberts said today one thing that I know is true for certain, "once you've experienced God, you'll never be the same." I know that first hand. I long for that closeness I experienced for that life changing "God is alive and He was here" experience but at the same time praying it doesn't come with the hell I've lived through. If it does? Then God help me to re-connect,  to desire the time with you, let prayers come easy again so that I'm prepared. In my quest to look forward instead of back I'm choosing to re-connect. I'd rather be connected and prepared when/if the bottom falls out again, rather than floundering and wishing I had connected when it was too late.
I've decided  to connect with my God during the times that social media usually steals from me. I've found that social media steals lots from me and adds doubt, and unnecessary worry. So in order to connect I'll be signing off for a while. I may post blogs, pictures but I won't be looking through others lives. Just not that important.
On my drive back from a sweet short visit with Pooh in Alabama yesterday, in the quietness of the car, I allowed my play list to soothe me, to guide me right back to Him, to be able to speak to Him like he was sitting next to me in the passenger seat. It was no mistake that this song came on....https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=b4crRPpqoW4
Needless to say it was replayed as tears fell knowing He's just been waiting for my good ole slap in the face conviction to bring me back. I can go back to pursuing, desiring my Father and knowing, trusting that being connected doesn't always mean the worst will happen. If it does? Then  I'm in the best place...sitting at His feet, with His love protecting me. Can't ask for more than that.