Maybe...

One of those days I woke up struggling. Insecurities, questions, fear. Spring seems to take my hand and subtly drags me back into the pits of fear and insecurities and even still-grief. Deathaversaries, Easter, all seem to fire up some things that you honestly don't want to have relive. 

Then there's a similar death in the community, someone we've all prayed for, worshipped with. She, too, was mid 30's with small children. Living life and just like that the rug was pulled out from under hers, her husbands and children's feet with a diagnosis. Just like that his wife and their mom is gone. Similar but very different. I was asked on Sunday what he must be feeling. From my wanting to say the right things I just said 'so today he's just on auto-pilot wondering how the heck he's going to do this.' 

What I wanted to say and didnt say was completely different. I wanted to say, "right now he feels completely betrayed by His God, the very one that was suppose to and could have saved her. He's looking around at everyone and wondering how the hell can their lives just go on? How can others get up and go to work, to school when their life just took a freaking jolt.  He's wondering how in the world he will manage without her. He's wondering why in the world God thought he could be a single dad to a girl and a boy and work and whatever else. He's wondering how it is going to be to wake up and not have someone to say good morning and kiss goodbye. He's probably going to throw himself into parenting and forget about himself for awhile. He's probably thinking how in the world can I ever worship God again?" 

Maybe he's not thinking these things at all. Maybe his faith wasn't rocked, maybe since he's the bread winner he's not worried about bills and college and maybe he's a dad that has it together and knows all the right things to say to his children when they ask why God chose her. Maybe in seven years when he's seeing someone and they get busy and don't call to say good morning he won't think the very worst and think something tragic has happened and literally be scared to call to find out that yes, he will endure this again. Maybe he will be secure in his new love and never question them leaving through death or to choose to leave for another. Maybe the fear of abandonment won't be an issue. Maybe dates and anniversaries will be just dates and anniversaries. 

Maybe just maybe the death of his wife and mother of his children will change him. Change his perspective for the better. Maybe he will realize that making money and having the best of the best is just a benefit but finding true love in God and in his children and maybe one day another  will be what gets him up in the mornings and give meaning to his life. Maybe he won't have to question Pauls words about staying unmarried being the best because loneliness sucks. Maybe he can find a love completely different but the same with someone new.  Maybe when he sees his daughter smile at him he gets to see a glimpse of her mom in her eyes when memories start to fade. Maybe when he hears a video the kids are watching and he hears her laugh it makes him smile. Maybe he will see Gods true goodness, His unfailing love, his faithfulness in the years to come. Maybe he will come to understand Gods need for her in heaven more than on earth. Maybe he will figure out the strength that God knew he had but he'd never dreamt of having. Maybe using that strength makes him exhausted. Maybe he will not be afraid in a few years that his prayers were not strong enough to save her. Maybe he comes to know Gods will is always perfect no matter what. No matter what we thought. 

Maybe there will be someone that will love his kids just as she would and finish out life with him and he can share memories with out fear of hurting others. Maybe he will grieve for years and not be judged for it and know that she is where she desired to be. Even if it meant leaving. Maybe he will know that God thought highly of his children to take their mom because He knew they, too, would show strength and courage through it all. Maybe his friends will continue to pray for him, help him in the days to come. Maybe the auto-pilot is still on and he's finding the Holy Spirit in the midst of his family. Maybe he will continue to find sweet comfort in that sweet Spirit. 

Maybe in a few years he can write a blog on a Friday morning to unload what's weighing down his heart