Inconveniences

School has begun.  Boys started almost a week ago and Molly started yesterday.  I've always hated school starting back, think its just a carry over from when I always had to go back.  I dreaded it a bit more this year.  See, I grew accustomed to having my 3 around all the time.  Kinda filled the loneliness that I try and not think about.  The loneliness that really can't be described.  Plus it was just another first without Shane being here.  He was always the one that got excited about school.  He thrived on routines, me, not so much.  He use to get so excited when I would come home with the school supplies, he always wanted to see what the kids had and always liked to sneak a whiff of the new crayons, playdo, etc.  We're weird like that,  I still do it.  I knew the boys were dreading it too.  Knowing they were dreading it like every other kid, but also dreading it for other reasons. I decided to attend the UCS convocation but Jake was reluctant.  I told him it would be good, kinda get back in the swing of things.  His answer, "But mom, all those people will be asking us how we are doing."  I responded by asking if that was a bad thing.  His reply, "Dad?"  Sam had already mentioned that if they had a day for dads, he wanted to stay home.  When I thought about it, I understood, during summer we were surrounded by those we see everyday, for 2 months we really didn't have to face people asking how we were doing, they already knew the good and bad days, the days we were missing daddy and the days we didn't want to talk about it.  I still have that stigma about walking into a room of people, never sure of what the reaction may be.  Especially for those that I don't see often. Just one more thing to overcome.
During all of these new transitions I think sometime that maybe we can get a little break here and there.  Not true.  Everyday life continues on.  When Shane was here, we had our share of little inconveniences but seems like since he's not here things just keep happening. Knowing things are just magnified since he is not here.  Here is a short list... our cat ended up having to have emergency surgery (required a house cat again for 1+week), our dog ended up with heartworms (my fault, while medicating Shane for 6 months, I forgot to medicate the dog) he has had to be confined for 2 months which requires me to walk him several times a day.  I have endured a severe crick in my neck, thankfully that is gone, I've had to have a mole removed and have had to depend on my 3 year old to help bandage it, its smack dab in the middle of my back (she is very good, never misses.) Then, Tuesday morning, our confined dog woke me up at 4am barking, checked on him and he was standing in the pouring rain and wouldn't get in his house in his confined kennel. Since this was Molly's first day of school and I couldn't sleep I was praying for the day and a storm came up, literally out of nowhere.  The kids had joined me in my insomniac state by this time and at 5:20 am the biggest bolt of lightening and the loudest thunder hit right outside of our bedroom window.  Shook us all up.  I don't like storms, nor do my kids.  Immediately we tried to turn on the bedroom tv, that's what my junior meteorologist does during storms, to no avail.  Checked downstairs and that tv wouldn't work.  Long story-short.  Lightening came in to the house, hit my tv (Shane gave me for Christmas 2 yrs ago), hit the tv in the boys bedroom and the Wii.  We had just changed over cable, internet and phone so sweet technician guy came back and had to install all new boxes, modems etc.  He noticed the lightening had struck a tree outside of our bedroom, not bad just the barked knocked off.  So, while I was thankful the tree didn't fall on the house or lightening didn't catch the house on fire, I literally lost it on my way to pick up Molly from preschool.  I called a friend and asked her, in not so nice terms, when this stuff was going to end, when we were going to get a break.  I expressed that I didn't really know how to pray, she responded with -ask Him for help. I've done that, time and time again. While I was sitting in car line, I looked at all the cars in front and behind me and thought about each mom in each car and thought about what their worries were.  They have the same worries that I had 1 year ago and years before--whats for supper, how am I going to get this kid here and that one there, I really need to run to TJ Maxx and get that shirt I saw last week, should I paint the kitchen, was Molly dressed cute enough today,  I wonder if Shane will be on time tonight so I can get a break, how am I ever going to get all that laundry done.  Then I started feeling really sorry for myself, thinking why am I the one sitting in the car knowing my husband is not coming home today, that he won't be walking in for my kids to scream, "Daddy's home." That Molly will never have her daddy surprise her for lunch at school or out of nowhere pick her up, that it will be me watching football this fall with the boys instead of Shane.  That fall break will be bringing back a flood of memories from last year.  Then I start thinking God has abandoned me, no matter how faithful I am.  I can't help but think that all of this is of Satan, that He knows that I am faithful and more in love with God than ever before so he is going to do what he can to distract me.  He is attacking through minor and major inconveniences.  He is attacking me through self-pity and envy, envy of everyone else's lives.  He is attacking through people that claim to be lovers of Christ but are not acting as such. Satan just will never let up, and frankly it scares me to death.  I've said myself that if you have a relationship with Christ that its not if a storm hits but when, and that statement scares me to death.  I don't know what I was thinking, I just assumed that my husband's cancer then passing just sort of took me out of Satan's loop, that maybe he would give me and my kids a break.  I was talking to Shane's mom about this and she reminded me that I am a metal that God is shaping and refining into precious gold.  I told her enough already, I'm ready to be refined into that precious gold.  I literally feel like this piece of metal is about to turn to mash potatoes.  I am continually reminded, in my spirit, that this, what I am going through, is nothing to compare to what Joy is up ahead.  I'm not the most patient of people so this is very hard for me.  Today, while I was home alone, cleaning out the fridge, one of the songs on my play list came on and it reminded me of something so important, www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ&feature=related I'm not alone, while Satan is attacking through big and little things, I'm not alone, while my thoughts yank me away from God's truths, I'm not alone, while frightening lightening and thunder are crashing all around-I'm not alone, while the world tries to take advantage of me-I'm not alone, nor are my babies. 

17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world is not able to receive, because it does not see him nor know him; you surely know him, for he abides with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. 19 Soon the world will no longer see me, but you surely will see me; because I live, you also will surely live. 20 In that day you will indeed know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” John 14:17-20

No matter how Satan is attacking I  am still seeing Jesus.  I'm seeing Him through those relationships that Shane counted on and knew would be my support system.  I am seeing Him through little reassurances He continually sends me every day no matter what is crumbling around me, like a verse or a song.  I see Him through generosity of something being taken care of that I was worried about.  I see Him through friends and family who are taking the brunt of my fits of rage, of a pizza delivered from a friend, that has more on her plate than most, because she knew I was having a very bad day.  I see Him in a woman that is a rock to me that emptied my dishwasher, straightened my kitchen and lets me cry on her constantly and borrow her husband for odds and ends.  I see Him in my children, when they say things like, "I don't know how my mom has not lost it with all that's going on," and through one that quietly mentions daddy in the most tender ways in his sweet sweet voice, and a little girl that remembers the smallest things, when we worried if she would remember daddy at all.  Do you hear that Satan, no matter what you do, I'm not alone, my Father's got my back.  Take that evil one!! I will just wait (maybe not so patiently) on the Joy I know is coming.

Sorry this was lengthy, but I've got lots to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obedience

Haven't blogged in a while.  Reason being, I was saving my "insightfulness" and energy for my women's retreat.  I would have loved to have backed out a while back, but so glad I had a friend pushing me telling me it wasn't about me, but what God wanted me to do.  Of course, I worried about leaving the kids, but went anyway.  Had a BLAST!!!!  Got to spend some great time with some great women.  Loved being roommates with one of my most favorite people in the world...TD.  We ate and worshipped on Friday, stayed up way to late for 40 somethings but was too overjoyed for sleep.  Ate again on Saturday morning then my roomy took the mic.  I have told her before that she has contagious JOY for our Lord.  She loves God and  the Word of God and you can so see it all over her.  I always learn something from her and don't think she will ever know what she has done for me, pushing me to dig deeper and deeper into His word.  We praised some more then were suppose to eat lunch.  My mom and sisters(LG included in this), Shane's mom, and sweet Haley and Hannah, and some more dear friends came for the day, which made me feel good.  I couldn't eat, nerves, so settled for crackers.  My new friend ED took the mic next and revealed what God has done and is doing in her life.  It takes guts to get up and reveal yourself to women, and some strangers and share how God has carried you through.  Then it was yours trulys turn to take the mic.   I was extremely nervous to where my heart was literally beating out of my chest.  I knew I was covered because in a phone conversation with Jake a few hours before he said, "Wait mom, Holy Spirit come in and give my mom the words."  I was taken aback and beaming that my 10 year old would say this to me.  I thought I may need to potty before speaking so hurried to do just that.  Luckily, with women, there is usually a wait for the potty.  Just so happened that TD was waiting too, and asked if she could pray for me.  She did just that while 2 sweet Godly women joined us.  She prayed and the Holy Spirit showed up as we asked and my nerves disappeared.  I was asked to share my story of the last few months and did just that.  There were tears, laughter and an awesome presence of the Holy Spirit.  I shared what was on my heart and what had been on my heart, from the anger and whys to knowing I could not have made it this far if it weren't for my Heavenly Father.  He truly has sustained me through this.  During my story I had shared that on Friday before Shane's deliverance that I had given him a bath and thought it was appropriate for me to wash his feet.  When I was washing his feet with tenderness and love I had no idea that I was preparing him to meet Jesus.  I knew that it was a very special moment between Shane, me and our Heavenly Father but that was it.  When I finished my story, the music started and I went to decompress.  A longtime friend came up to me with tears in her eyes and said something about washing feet, and God told her too, before I even mentioned washing Shane's.  I was still a little frazzled so didn't quite understand.  I went to sing Amazing Grace and a few minutes saw her walk up front with a large pail and towel.  She proceeded to grab my hand and sit me down.  She had said God had told her to wash my feet.  I sat and she took my left foot and placed it in the water, and all the while was praying and thanking God, she then took my right foot and placed in the water, still praying and praising.  At this time, family members and very close friends surrounded me with prayer.  Most importantly my Savior was surrounding me.  His presence was so real to me, I remember asking, "Do you feel Him, He is here and I love Him."  While my feet were being cleansed so was my soul and my heart.  God used this sweet anointed friend to help begin healing for my soul and my heart.  I have not let go like that since the day Shane met Jesus.  At that point, I fell head over heels in love with the very man that took His place on the cross for me.  I have always loved Him, but my love for Him multiplied for Him 10 fold.  Yes, my heart still aches for Shane, but I know God's love will sustain me and I have hope in Christ that I will see Shane again.  Hardly can put into words what I was feeling at that moment.  We ended singing one of my favorite songs, "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" it has a whole new meaning since Shane's deliverance.  Since I have been focusing on Him more, this world just doesn't matter.  The sweet ladies that allowed this retreat presented me with a very special framed print.  It is a print of Jesus caressing, loving a sweet lamb.  The lamb is in His nail scarred hands.  That lamb, right now, is DeAnn.  He holds me close and is loving on me constantly.  He hasn't forgotten me, even on the days I feel He has.  He still loves me, even when I question what He is doing.  He has been head over heels in love with me for a long long time, and He has been waiting on me to fall as madly in love with Him. 
They treated me to a pedicure and I stayed for dinner.  I was asked to pray with a lady for her brother-in-law that has been diagnosed with stage IV cancer.  Before that I saw the young lady that I sat next to on Friday night.  I told her I enjoyed sitting with her and she said, "I have to tell you something.  I was the one that did Shane's xray and CT scan in October."  Chills went up my spine.  This sweet girl was the one that was with Shane when he saw that dreaded mass in his lung.  She told me she had been keeping up with Shane and I and had started praying that very day.  God is great, and know each meeting is not coincidental.  I didn't want to leave for fear I may never feel that close to God again.  However, I knew that this experience with Him would only make me seek Him more and, that, I intend to do.  I also had 3 sweet babies that were wanting their mom home for the night.  So I left, with a lighter heart.  I had 45 minutes alone with my Heavenly Father and praised Him all the way home. I have since messaged the sweet friend that washed my feet and she told me she was just as blessed as I was.  She said she now knows that when Jesus speaks to her that she will listen and do what He says, even if it means stepping out of her own comfort zone.  She said Saturday, she definitely stepped out of her comfort zone.  That's obedience.  So thankful that I, too, was obedient and went through with speaking and telling our story.  It was sooooo out of my comfort zone, but what a blessing I would have missed just for staying comfortable.  I've come to realize that loving Jesus does take you out of your comfort zone more than not.  For instance, your husband being diagnosed with cancer, going through treatments, then leaving for HOME will so take you out of your comfort zone.  But by stepping out Shane and I both experienced a comfort from God that we would have never seen before.  I found this verse concerning obedience, ironically it is in John 14.  "Those who accept my commandments and obey them are the ones who love me.  And because they love me, my Father will love them.  And I will love them and reveal myself to each of them." John 14:21 See, if we obey He will reveal Himself to us.  And boy, did He reveal Himself on Saturday afternoon.  Thank you God for allowing us to see you, thank you for your constant comfort and grace.  Thank you for showing what it means to be obedient and thank you for the those that are "behind the scenes" that allowed me to go to this retreat, and those that stepped out of their comfort zone, so that we all could see YOU!!  He truly Came and Made a WAY.  Thanks Marsha and Jane for hosting such an incredible weekend and for being obedient.

Tears (and lack thereof)

Well I made it through my birthday.  It was bearable all because of the kids and family and friends.  I got to celebrate a night early with some dear friends.  We ate, laughed and cried and laughed some more.  On the morning of my birthday Sam was the first to hand deliver a birthday card that his kindergarten teacher/tutor let him sign in cursive with a sweet gift, a deck of Go Fish cards.  Then I was greeted downstairs with a candle in a chocolate chip cookie while they sang Happy Birthday.  Then Jake handed me a typed letter.  It was a very sweet letter and was signed -Shane, then he added I know this is what Dad would say if he was here.  Barely could contain myself.  They went to spend time with their cousins and I got to go to the pool all by MYSELF.  What a gift, but honestly I missed them.  We ended the day with my parents, sisters, Murph, Shane's parents and kids for dinner and Hot Molten Lava Cake.  It was actually a good day overall.  The whole day I was recalling last years birthday.  Shane had asked  Trace to plan a surprise 40th party for me, and I was really surprised to say the least.  Can't believe that just this time last year Shane was here, healthy and so very happy.  We were even planning my 40th birthday trip to New York City in November, even though Shane was none too excited about that, but he had agreed to take me.  Its still so unbelievable to me how just 12 months ago he was so here, so well and so alive. 
I woke up the other morning with the horrific realization that I had not cried in a few days.  For some reason I feel extremely guilty about this.  I feel like I am letting Shane down in a way.  I spoke to a friend about the way I was feeling and she reassured me that this was a good thing.  She had spoken to Shane on many occasions about "after" he was gone and she reassured me that he would so want this.  She said it was a sign that I am going on with life.  I know the tears will come again, but for now I think I am all cried out.  I know they may start again tomorrow or the next day or the next and when they do it will be like the Hoover dam breaking.  I just wish I could shake the feeling of guilt for not crying all the time, every day.  I was thinking about this after dinner tonight when I asked the kids if they wanted to go for a walk.  We were going to walk to a friends house about a block away.  When we went out it was thundering in a distance and I was looking up to see if we should actually venture off.  As soon as I looked, up what did I see??  A rainbow!!!  It was not very bright but it was there.  The boys and Molly were looking at it and commented on how it looked like it was in our neighborhood.  When we arrived to the friends house we were going to, it disappeared.  Coincidence???  Thank you God for your constant reminders that you love me and that life continues through this horrible pain and when the tears do fall, thank you for wiping them away with your loving hand.

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of LIVING water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Rev 7; 17 (emphasis mine)

Making a Way

A few weeks ago a dear friend asked me if I would like to speak at a women's conference put on by Battlefield Ministries.  She informed me that it would be at  the end of July at the Summit in Fort Payne AL see http://www.lifeshape.org/ and it is called "Come...and Make a Way."  At first, I was a little hesitant and then after a minute or 2 became a excited.  I took that as a prompting from the Holy Spirit.  You see, through this journey I have wondered what God wanted me to do with what He has shown me through this.  I'm not sure if this is it, or what, but I keep hearing Shane say, "Deedee, this is what we went through it for, you can do it."  When I first started posting on CaringBridge people would  share with Shane how I was ministering through what I was writing, I never intended it to be a ministry but was happy to find out that it was to some. Shane read a few of my post, then said he couldn't read them anymore, that my words touched him and he just couldn't read them.  Every now and again, I would share snippets out of a few.  Later, when Shane became really ill I recall sitting in bed with him and I think it was my oldest sister, Robin, that was sitting with us.  Shane said, "I thought all along that it was me being called into the ministry but I think it may be DeeDee."  I said immediately in response to that, "I don't want it to be me, I want it to be you."  He just gave me that look and said, "You may be the next Beth Moore."  My response, "But I want you to be the next Billy Graham."  First of all, I could NEVER be the next Beth Moore, those are some darlin' big shoes to wear and I don't have big enough hair (just kiddin' Beth.)  I use to struggle thinking Shane was being called into the ministry.  I remember my middle sister Tracey saying, "You are NOT a preacher's wife."  Never really knew what she meant by that??!!  I remember thinking "Gosh, I really don't want that responsibility, to be everything to everybody."  Little did I know, where Shane's ministry would take him and me.  Then I remember thinking, "Shane is going to come home one day and tell me he is putting up his calculator and going into the ministry full-time, moving me and the kids to Africa."  That thought didn't last very long, cause Shane hated to fly.  Our sweet preacher/friend has said more than once that Shane was a true evangelist.  That he had a way about him that many people don't have.  He could immediately start talking about Jesus but never make you feel uncomfortable, and he made you want to know more.  I pray that God will give me just a little bit of that gift.  Witnessing has never been my strong suit.  I'm always afraid I will say the wrong thing.  Shane, didn't care, he knew if he was talking about his Saviour he couldn't go wrong.  Anyway, I am anxiously, excitedly waiting to see what God wants me to do with this journey and my experience with Him.  I do want to share with people, His Grandness, His love, His sustaining power.  For if it wasn't for HIM, I would not be where I am today. 

I have shared my concerns with sweet Jane, that I may just get up there and have nothing.  She reassured me that it was ok if that happened.  I've also expressed that I may wake up that Saturday morning and it may be one of those days I am not real happy with God.  She reassured me that it was ok too.  I so want the Holy Spirit to fill me up to overflowing so that the words that come out of my mouth are not at all mine but His.  I remember Shane preparing for his sermons.  He would prepare, read me his notes, read them some more. He would later come from behind the pulpit and I would say, "that is not at all what you prepared for today."  He would smile and say, "those were not my words."  That is my prayer that it won't be DeAnn up there speaking but God using DeAnn as His vessel.  Lord knows, I don't want any glory, I so don't like spot-lights (except maybe on the dance floor).  But He knows I want Him to get all the Honor, Glory and Praise.  I haven't asked for prayers lately, so here goes...Please pray that the Holy Spirit would fill me up, that He will take away all hesitations, that He will give me each and every word that will only glorify HIM.  Pray that my God allows me to have "something" that day to share that would touch someone or many.  Pray that God will reveal what I am suppose to do with what He has given me.  Pray that I can live up to Shane's request that I "don't waste his cancer."  I know Shane is continuing his work at Home, now I need to finish what he started here.  Thank you God for allowing me to be a vessel for you, I sure don't want to let you down.  I want to bring Glory to you,  "I just want God to get the Glory."  Shane-March 30, 2010.

This is the verse that came up on Shane's phone through Christ notes, the very day he passed, But I don't place any value on my life, if only I can finish my race and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. Acts 20:24  Coincidence?  I don't think so, just another wink from my Dear Heavenly Father.  Robin and I were talking about, yet, another tragic event yesterday.  She was texting me after I had texted her a big WHY? She told me she is doing a Beth Moore study on Revelations and that just Tuesday night she stated that we do not leave here, until God is ready for us too...until our purpose is complete, even though we may not understand it.  Robin said immediately she thought of Shane, his testimony was complete and perfect in God's plan though not ours.  Now I just have to find the purpose God has for me so that I, too, can complete my testimony and go HOME!!!!  Thank you for the prayers. D

Camping Out

As I clean up from our Friday Family Fun Night I realize here again its ANOTHER holiday to get through this weekend.  Last night we continued a Friday night tradition in the Richardson household.  For many many years the boys (Shane, Jake and Sam) would "camp out" on the weekends and for holidays.  By camping out I mean, we blow up the air mattress (on about the 10th one due to lots of jumping and a few cat claws) and set it up in the family room.  . Knowing this is a holiday weekend the boys would have been ecstatic to know Dad didn't have to work on Monday, so it would be a 3 night camp out weekend.  Whoopee!! Molly and I were not usually allowed, it was a guy thing.  Since Shane left, the boys have allowed us to join them for a few camp outs.  Actually, this was where the boys were sleeping when Shane met Jesus that early morning.  This mattress is the mattress that I crawled into and snuggled with my boys to tell them about Shane's run to Jesus. Where they cried over their daddy not being with us.  Where Molly's first of many, "My daddy died" statements came out. Same mattress where Sweet Sam told me that morning that he "wondered what the 2 bright white lights were he saw, and now he knew, it was the angel's coming to get daddyo."  Thankful God gave each of us our own comfort that early morning.  The boys shared lots of football, basketball, baseball, Whose Line is it Anyway, Tour de France recaps while camping out with Shane.  Some of the most profound conversations with the boys happened while camping out. The place where Jake shared with his dad that he had asked Jesus into his heart.  Where Shane asked his oldest what that really meant to him. The boys even camped out while Shane was hurling from chemo, even on his worst days, this was his highlight, to spend time with them, just them. He could no longer set the mattress up, that turned into my job, and I don't think I ever did it to his expectations. He had fixing the sheets, pillows, down to a science.  Jake can do it just like his daddy, me, not so much.    He's spot was right in the middle, with each boy laying on each arm, while he twiddled with their hair until sleepiness took over them.  He would share with me how he would watch them sleep, and just enjoy their sweet little stinky boys breath on his face all night.  Some occasions he would get uncomfortable and sneak upstairs only to have Jake and Sam feel his absence and they would head upstairs right behind him, usually while sleepwalking.  It wasn't till the very end that Shane's pain, and uncomfortableness didn't allow many camp outs. Jake requested a camp out last night so I obliged.  We ordered Papa John's (Shane's fav), finally watched Blindside, blew up the mattress and camped out.  It was, of course, bittersweet, Jake was awake last night at 12 and said, "Well Mom, it's been 3 months, at 3am it will be 3 months since Daddy left."   Yep, it has been 3 months, 12 weeks, 84 days, 2,016 hours, but seems like yesterday. Glad the boys wants to continue on with things that did with their daddy with me and Molly.  Glad that we are able to keep these sweet memories alive.  Asking for prayers to get us through the 4th, one of Shane's and our favorite family holidays.  Knowing fireworks won't be the same, or the homemade ice cream.  But so thankful to God that we have the freedom to celebrate.  Celebrate the freedom to worship Him the way we want to.  Freedom to speak about Him openly, and love Him in public.  Even though all of this is so hard without Shane, knowing life continues on for me and the children, just like Shane would have wanted it too. Knowing he would want us to celebrate all of these freedoms as usual, even without him.  **Happy 4th Everyone** 

Things I haven't thought of...

Thank goodness we got through another "first," Father's Day. Sorry to all the dad's out there, but I am so glad it has come and gone. Sick of seeing "Best Dad's" cards, commercials, even Sprout was dedicated to dad's this weekend. I'm like what about all the kids that are fatherless??? Give me a break. Needless to say I feel guilty saying that when I still get to celebrate having my own daddy with me. He will soon be 70 and I can't believe it. He is one special man and I couldn't even say enough about him here to do him justice. So, Virg, I am sorry if I wished Father's day away. But you of all people, I know, completely understand where I am coming from. The kids loved their scrapbooks, even though, Jake and Sam had a sneak preview Thurs afternoon. They kinda have a bad habit of opening other people's mail. Don't think they will do that again. I did get to surprise them Sunday morning though. I gave them each a necklace (I got one too) that is an impression of Shane's thumbprint. I told them if they just needed to feel Daddy, they can just reach up and rub it. So special. They loved it and so do I. Give anything to get a hug from him right now. I made Shane's dad a scrapbook also, he loved it too. He was extremely proud of it.

Shane had befriended a man about the time he was diagnosed. Now, he knew him, they went to the same college, actually we were neighbors for a while, our kids now go to the same school, they were acquaintances, but wouldn't say friends. This relationship started at the right time. They spent time texting encouragement back and forth, he even came and spent some time with Shane. Often could be found outside our home praying for us. Constantly was sending Shane notes of encouragement in his infamous handwriting. He has many talents and one of those talents is knowing how to play the bagpipes. He had hinted around that he had thought about playing them at the end of the graveside service, I was upset that he did not. Then he hinted that he might open up the Play for Shane Golf Tournament with the pipes, again, I was very upset he didn't. He had told Shane he would play for him one day, well, that one day was cut a little short. So he and my sister orchestrated a Father's Day gift to Shane, me and the kids. He met us at the cemetery at about sunset and blasted Amazing Grace for us. He was kilted in this awful heat and honored my husband for the father he was, the friend he was and the husband he was. It was one of the most meaningful moments. He was glad to do it for us, which made it even more special. He and his wife continue to encourage me even though they have sooooo much on their plates. They're lives do go on, but for some reason, I know that Shane and I are constantly on their minds. They even sent messages to me while they were vacationing with their sweet family. Forever grateful for friends such as these. Thanks guys.

Now to the things I haven't thought of. We usually go to the cemetery 2-3 times a week. We know Shane is not there, however, we feel close to him there. It is breathtakingly beautiful up there, there is constantly a breeze and those crosses are a constant reminder of Who this is all for. Today, we went by and as soon as we were getting out of the car Jake said, "Well, my kids will never know my daddy." Stopped me dead in my tracks, never really though of that. Never thought that my grandchildren will never have the wonderful privilege of knowing Shane. Never thought that Molly will not get to come off of a recital stage into her daddy's arms. Never thought of whenever one of my boys hit their first out of the park home runs, daddy won't be there to high-five them. There are so many things I haven't thought of concerning Shane not being here. Can't believe it, because I go over things constantly in my mind of what will never be, what can't happen now, all the things we looked forward to together is not possible now. I know Shane did think of all of these things that he would miss, but know that Heaven is all this and more. The one thing that made him sad was the fact that he was leaving us. I am sure to anyone dying that is at the forefront of their thoughts. I would assure Shane that we would be ok, but that I'd prefer that he be here for all of these things. Even though I know that God will continue to sustain us through each of these things and the everyday things, Shane will be forever missed. The thing I have thought of that is positive...Shane's legacy to my children. What a legacy he leaves. Shane would say, "its always good to get out while your at the top of your game." I would have to say that if any man was on top of his game, it would be Shane Richardson.

So as I continue to think of things that I have yet to think of I know my God has a plan, and I just continue to trust, even though its extremely hard. As I say that, I know God must think my children and I are very special to Him for allowing us to experience this loss and pain. Thankful for Him for allowing us to have Shane for the time we had. Thankful that He allowed Shane to be at the "top of his game." Shouldn't we all be at the "top of our game" for Him, hmmmm never thought of that??!!

daddyomolly

Click here to view this photo book larger