Inconveniences

School has begun.  Boys started almost a week ago and Molly started yesterday.  I've always hated school starting back, think its just a carry over from when I always had to go back.  I dreaded it a bit more this year.  See, I grew accustomed to having my 3 around all the time.  Kinda filled the loneliness that I try and not think about.  The loneliness that really can't be described.  Plus it was just another first without Shane being here.  He was always the one that got excited about school.  He thrived on routines, me, not so much.  He use to get so excited when I would come home with the school supplies, he always wanted to see what the kids had and always liked to sneak a whiff of the new crayons, playdo, etc.  We're weird like that,  I still do it.  I knew the boys were dreading it too.  Knowing they were dreading it like every other kid, but also dreading it for other reasons. I decided to attend the UCS convocation but Jake was reluctant.  I told him it would be good, kinda get back in the swing of things.  His answer, "But mom, all those people will be asking us how we are doing."  I responded by asking if that was a bad thing.  His reply, "Dad?"  Sam had already mentioned that if they had a day for dads, he wanted to stay home.  When I thought about it, I understood, during summer we were surrounded by those we see everyday, for 2 months we really didn't have to face people asking how we were doing, they already knew the good and bad days, the days we were missing daddy and the days we didn't want to talk about it.  I still have that stigma about walking into a room of people, never sure of what the reaction may be.  Especially for those that I don't see often. Just one more thing to overcome.
During all of these new transitions I think sometime that maybe we can get a little break here and there.  Not true.  Everyday life continues on.  When Shane was here, we had our share of little inconveniences but seems like since he's not here things just keep happening. Knowing things are just magnified since he is not here.  Here is a short list... our cat ended up having to have emergency surgery (required a house cat again for 1+week), our dog ended up with heartworms (my fault, while medicating Shane for 6 months, I forgot to medicate the dog) he has had to be confined for 2 months which requires me to walk him several times a day.  I have endured a severe crick in my neck, thankfully that is gone, I've had to have a mole removed and have had to depend on my 3 year old to help bandage it, its smack dab in the middle of my back (she is very good, never misses.) Then, Tuesday morning, our confined dog woke me up at 4am barking, checked on him and he was standing in the pouring rain and wouldn't get in his house in his confined kennel. Since this was Molly's first day of school and I couldn't sleep I was praying for the day and a storm came up, literally out of nowhere.  The kids had joined me in my insomniac state by this time and at 5:20 am the biggest bolt of lightening and the loudest thunder hit right outside of our bedroom window.  Shook us all up.  I don't like storms, nor do my kids.  Immediately we tried to turn on the bedroom tv, that's what my junior meteorologist does during storms, to no avail.  Checked downstairs and that tv wouldn't work.  Long story-short.  Lightening came in to the house, hit my tv (Shane gave me for Christmas 2 yrs ago), hit the tv in the boys bedroom and the Wii.  We had just changed over cable, internet and phone so sweet technician guy came back and had to install all new boxes, modems etc.  He noticed the lightening had struck a tree outside of our bedroom, not bad just the barked knocked off.  So, while I was thankful the tree didn't fall on the house or lightening didn't catch the house on fire, I literally lost it on my way to pick up Molly from preschool.  I called a friend and asked her, in not so nice terms, when this stuff was going to end, when we were going to get a break.  I expressed that I didn't really know how to pray, she responded with -ask Him for help. I've done that, time and time again. While I was sitting in car line, I looked at all the cars in front and behind me and thought about each mom in each car and thought about what their worries were.  They have the same worries that I had 1 year ago and years before--whats for supper, how am I going to get this kid here and that one there, I really need to run to TJ Maxx and get that shirt I saw last week, should I paint the kitchen, was Molly dressed cute enough today,  I wonder if Shane will be on time tonight so I can get a break, how am I ever going to get all that laundry done.  Then I started feeling really sorry for myself, thinking why am I the one sitting in the car knowing my husband is not coming home today, that he won't be walking in for my kids to scream, "Daddy's home." That Molly will never have her daddy surprise her for lunch at school or out of nowhere pick her up, that it will be me watching football this fall with the boys instead of Shane.  That fall break will be bringing back a flood of memories from last year.  Then I start thinking God has abandoned me, no matter how faithful I am.  I can't help but think that all of this is of Satan, that He knows that I am faithful and more in love with God than ever before so he is going to do what he can to distract me.  He is attacking through minor and major inconveniences.  He is attacking me through self-pity and envy, envy of everyone else's lives.  He is attacking through people that claim to be lovers of Christ but are not acting as such. Satan just will never let up, and frankly it scares me to death.  I've said myself that if you have a relationship with Christ that its not if a storm hits but when, and that statement scares me to death.  I don't know what I was thinking, I just assumed that my husband's cancer then passing just sort of took me out of Satan's loop, that maybe he would give me and my kids a break.  I was talking to Shane's mom about this and she reminded me that I am a metal that God is shaping and refining into precious gold.  I told her enough already, I'm ready to be refined into that precious gold.  I literally feel like this piece of metal is about to turn to mash potatoes.  I am continually reminded, in my spirit, that this, what I am going through, is nothing to compare to what Joy is up ahead.  I'm not the most patient of people so this is very hard for me.  Today, while I was home alone, cleaning out the fridge, one of the songs on my play list came on and it reminded me of something so important, www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXLo3aCkuQ&feature=related I'm not alone, while Satan is attacking through big and little things, I'm not alone, while my thoughts yank me away from God's truths, I'm not alone, while frightening lightening and thunder are crashing all around-I'm not alone, while the world tries to take advantage of me-I'm not alone, nor are my babies. 

17 the Spirit of truth, whom the world is not able to receive, because it does not see him nor know him; you surely know him, for he abides with you and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. 19 Soon the world will no longer see me, but you surely will see me; because I live, you also will surely live. 20 In that day you will indeed know that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you.” John 14:17-20

No matter how Satan is attacking I  am still seeing Jesus.  I'm seeing Him through those relationships that Shane counted on and knew would be my support system.  I am seeing Him through little reassurances He continually sends me every day no matter what is crumbling around me, like a verse or a song.  I see Him through generosity of something being taken care of that I was worried about.  I see Him through friends and family who are taking the brunt of my fits of rage, of a pizza delivered from a friend, that has more on her plate than most, because she knew I was having a very bad day.  I see Him in a woman that is a rock to me that emptied my dishwasher, straightened my kitchen and lets me cry on her constantly and borrow her husband for odds and ends.  I see Him in my children, when they say things like, "I don't know how my mom has not lost it with all that's going on," and through one that quietly mentions daddy in the most tender ways in his sweet sweet voice, and a little girl that remembers the smallest things, when we worried if she would remember daddy at all.  Do you hear that Satan, no matter what you do, I'm not alone, my Father's got my back.  Take that evil one!! I will just wait (maybe not so patiently) on the Joy I know is coming.

Sorry this was lengthy, but I've got lots to say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!