Beginning of a new season

Labor day has come and gone and so it begins the season of Fall.  I have dreaded this all summer long.  I know with each day that draws nearer to October dread will be my enemy.  I will be reliving each day of last October and with each day I will be faced with remembering what news we received on what day concerning Shane's diagnosis.  Fall was always one of mine and Shane's favorite seasons.  I always secretly wished we had gotten married in the fall but didn't want to wait any longer to be his wife so we chose spring.  We always loved fall for we knew with it came the holiday season.  This year I wish I could go to sleep and wake up into spring (after April 3).  With all the books and information that I have read on grief facing the first year is the worst.  So this will be a new first for the 4 of us.  We did make it through the first weekend of college football without Shane, whooping it up with Jake, but there was definitely a void here.  I am faced with remembering that last year about this time I started seeing a change in Shane.  He was very distracted with small pains here and there, he would be very distant.  I know in my heart that he knew something was not right.  I do not know when the stupid cancer took up residence in my husbands body but I feel it had started doing its cancerly things this time last year. These past few weeks I have had to relive some things that I didn't want to be reliving this soon.  Some of you know that I had to go through a CT scan.  I recently noticed some swelling at the base of my neck and proceeded with going to the doctor.  Of course, after what we have been through with Shane I immediately thought the very worst.  When I went to my doctor he reassured me, but suggested after what I had been through, to ease my mind that we should do a scan just to make sure.  Thankfully, my mom with with me that day.  When I heard the word CT scan, memories came rushing back of how Shane was terrified of each test, scan that he had to go through.  As terrified as he was he always "manned" up and went through them without complaints and kept his fear to himself.  I asked the questions that I had to learn to ask with Shane.  Would there be contrast? What else could this be? etc. I held it together until we got to the car and then fell apart.  I told my mom that I just didn't have the energy for this right now, that this was just too soon after Shane, why was I having to go through this right now.  Literally, I was having a big ole' pity party of why me's, again.  Satan started toying with my mind and made me start thinking of all things cancer.  Then I start thinking of my children, what will they think? Then I start thinking well, I may be seeing Shane a little sooner than expected.  Satan started dancing in my thoughts and was having his hay day as he often does.  He finds my weakness, and then goes to town.  In this case, it was cancer/sickness.  That day was pretty much written off, until I picked up my kids.  They have a way of distracting me.  Several of my "armour barriers"  gave me words of advice to fight the enemy so I proceeded with what they suggested.  One early morning I decided to visit Shane's grave, as soon as I pull in the very song that was sung at his graveside service came on the radio, "I Will Rise."  I took that as one of my God winks, feeling like it was one of His hugs for me.  Spent some much needed time with God, something about being on that hill that makes Him feel closer.  Read some scripture had a sweet friend pray with me on the phone and left there feeling like I was more empowered than I had been in a while.  Since the tv in the bedroom was struck I have been able to spend so much more time in the Word.  I have never read the whole book of Job, always found it a little depressing.  I turned to it read it from beginning to end along with the commentary.  I can so relate to this man.  No matter how bad things seem around me, I still find myself wanting to praise Him.  He has already done so much for me, starting with the death of His own Son.  I almost feel guilty asking Him for anything more.  I do feel very guilty for ever doubting Him or asking why He allows things.  God just being God is reason enough for me to praise Him.  I made it through the CT scan, thinking of Shane prior to the scan.  As I was preparing for the scan that morning I had some great time with God, just praising Him.  When I got there the tech told me to put my things down, I had Shane's small bible with me, and asked if I could hang on to it, she told me I could keep it on my chest.  So during the scan, while the automated voice is saying "Please lie still and do not swallow" I have God's word on me, while I am singing in my head, "Turn your Eyes Upon Jesus."  It was over in no time and was a sweet time with my Saviour.  Thankfully, my results were a prominent jugular vein??!! Vampires dream!!  Thinking there is a muscle that's spasming and pushing on the vein.  Anyway, thankful and still praying nothing more and it will go away as fast as it came. Dang Satan!!! He's as bad as cancer. Thankful that God continues to sustain me.  Knowing the "first" fall without Shane will be difficult but still praising God for His beauty, His promises and all of the blessings He provides each and every day.  And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9  His grace is all I need and I thank Him.  He continues to carry me through each day, even on the days I would rather run and do it myself-worry, anxiety, control. Thank you, God, for knowing me better than I know myself.  Thank you God for the ones that continue to pray and lift me and my family up. Thank you for being YOU!!