Pride

  Pride-I have never really thought about this word very much until the last year.  Cancer does not allow a lot of pride when it grows and flourishes.   Shane held on to his dignity until the very end but was never prideful.  I think the dignity that he displayed through his sickness and through his bodily death had lots to do with the grace he displayed.   This man was extremely gracious to me and everyone around us.  Always thanking me and telling me he was sorry for what I had to do for him, he was gracious to whomever was around helping.  He was gracious even to each person that stuck him with a needle, or pulled out a chest tube, or gave him extremely bad news. He was gracious even when he had his head in a bucket, and even when he just wasn't up for company.  He continued to hang on to his dignity through his graciousness. So I think that grace and dignity go hand in hand.  I, too, really try to be gracious, therefore, hanging on to my dignity.  Its rather hard being a widow with children and accepting things that are done for us or given to us.  I have been told time and time again to just accept my blessings without questioning or complaining.  Its hard to depend on others for things, things that ordinarily Shane took care of.  In no way am I saying that I am too prideful to accept blessings, I'm just saying it is hard.  Pride is something you have to swallow and put behind you.  Yes, I've said before that peoples expressions tell the whole story about me, being a new widow.  I just have to swallow my pride and push on.  I try and take lessons from Shane in this area.  When your body is riddled with this dastardly disease, pride goes out the window.  Frankly, there is no room for pride of any kind.  So as I watched Shane put pride on the back burner, I watched his grace explode.  You put pride behind you when you walk through the Social Security office to file for widow benefits and benefits for your children.  Looking around wondering what are all these other people here for.  Did they just loose the love of their life? Or has life just dealt them a bumb deal.  I have to remember putting pride behind me when I am standing somewhere for someone to take my personal information, as in at doctors offices, etc.  "Ma'am, is this information still correct...address, phone number, person to contact in case of emergency is Shane Richardson 706-346-****, insurance under Jon Richardson. May we leave a message with Mr. Richardson concerning test, lab results?" me:  "Address the same, phone number the same, person to contact in case of emergency needs to be changed (never thought about having to change that part), and no my insurance is in my name now. No, there is no one to leave a message with for my test results, just me."  All of this dialog being said where everyone can hear. Can I just hang on to a little dignity? I've been through literal HELL and would like to just not announce it to everyone.  Other times I would like to throw dignity out the window and be like Molly.  "Dang it, my husband just died and I have a right to cry in the grocery store!"  or "My husband just died could you just give me a small break today" or "Hello? Just lost my husband and I miss him terribly, so if I don't smile and be cheerful don't think anything of it." or "No, no one to call unless you call my mom, I'm 41 years old and you will have to call my mom in case of emergency."  Molly says it so matter of factly, "My daddy died,"  she throws pride down the drain.  She ddoesn't care if it makes someone wince when she says it, doesn't really care how the person accepts it.  Oh, to be a child again. 
I have to laugh at this story, I was talking to a very dear person the other day.  She and her family have been facing financial problems for about 3 years.  They finally resorted to getting food stamps just so they could feed their children.  Talking about swallowing your pride.  Applying and accepting food stamps should be bad enough but it gets better.  She and her children were at Kroger (out of state) and had a cart full of groceries.  She said its embarrassing enough to have to pull them out at check-out, but wait and wait.  She stands there and they won't go through on the computer system.  The cashier starts asking questions and another cashier screams out, "yea, I think the whole food stamp system is down."  This person said she wanted to just leave her cart and walk out but needed her groceries.  By this time in the conversation, I am laughing and she is too, to keep from crying.  Then, since the line is getting backed up, they ask her to move to the customer service desk.  A few more food stamp recipients are having the same trouble.  She stands for about an hour and by this time, there are lots of people in the same predicament and people coming in start asking whats going on.  I can hear it now, "Food stamps system is down."  All these people that are already embarrassed to receive food stamps now has it announced to everyone.  Luckily, she had told her children to go look at books so they wouldn't have to be so embarrassed.  I was literally rolling at the thought of this thinking it would have been a great sitcom.  Luckily, she knows I love her and we were laughing together. 
Although I try an hang on to my dignity I am truly humbled.  Now, I am not so judgemental of those I use to complain about when I am in a hurry and I am waiting now for each food stamp to be processed. Nor am I judgemental of single moms or dads just trying to hold it together for their kids sake.  I try not to judge the person that is obviously having a really bad day and is right rude to me on the road or in the store. I have to remind myself, that they too, just may be in a certain storm, they may have just lost a loved one, or they may just be down on their luck, blessings not so apparent.  So as I end this blog, I ask that you would not judge those less fortunate as yourself.  There is just no telling what is going on in their lives.  There is a fine line holding on to our dignity but not being too prideful.  So today I ask God to help me with trying to hang on to my dignity but not being prideful. I ask Him to help me respect those that are around me and allow them just a little dignity and respect.

 But He gives us more grace.  That is why Scripture says:  "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

Thank you dear God for making me humble, and thank you for your constant grace. I pray I never forget this feeling.