Tears (and lack thereof)

Well I made it through my birthday.  It was bearable all because of the kids and family and friends.  I got to celebrate a night early with some dear friends.  We ate, laughed and cried and laughed some more.  On the morning of my birthday Sam was the first to hand deliver a birthday card that his kindergarten teacher/tutor let him sign in cursive with a sweet gift, a deck of Go Fish cards.  Then I was greeted downstairs with a candle in a chocolate chip cookie while they sang Happy Birthday.  Then Jake handed me a typed letter.  It was a very sweet letter and was signed -Shane, then he added I know this is what Dad would say if he was here.  Barely could contain myself.  They went to spend time with their cousins and I got to go to the pool all by MYSELF.  What a gift, but honestly I missed them.  We ended the day with my parents, sisters, Murph, Shane's parents and kids for dinner and Hot Molten Lava Cake.  It was actually a good day overall.  The whole day I was recalling last years birthday.  Shane had asked  Trace to plan a surprise 40th party for me, and I was really surprised to say the least.  Can't believe that just this time last year Shane was here, healthy and so very happy.  We were even planning my 40th birthday trip to New York City in November, even though Shane was none too excited about that, but he had agreed to take me.  Its still so unbelievable to me how just 12 months ago he was so here, so well and so alive. 
I woke up the other morning with the horrific realization that I had not cried in a few days.  For some reason I feel extremely guilty about this.  I feel like I am letting Shane down in a way.  I spoke to a friend about the way I was feeling and she reassured me that this was a good thing.  She had spoken to Shane on many occasions about "after" he was gone and she reassured me that he would so want this.  She said it was a sign that I am going on with life.  I know the tears will come again, but for now I think I am all cried out.  I know they may start again tomorrow or the next day or the next and when they do it will be like the Hoover dam breaking.  I just wish I could shake the feeling of guilt for not crying all the time, every day.  I was thinking about this after dinner tonight when I asked the kids if they wanted to go for a walk.  We were going to walk to a friends house about a block away.  When we went out it was thundering in a distance and I was looking up to see if we should actually venture off.  As soon as I looked, up what did I see??  A rainbow!!!  It was not very bright but it was there.  The boys and Molly were looking at it and commented on how it looked like it was in our neighborhood.  When we arrived to the friends house we were going to, it disappeared.  Coincidence???  Thank you God for your constant reminders that you love me and that life continues through this horrible pain and when the tears do fall, thank you for wiping them away with your loving hand.

"For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of LIVING water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes." Rev 7; 17 (emphasis mine)