So long 2010

I posted on FB the other night that I have always thought that New Years Eve was way overrated.  Even when I was single and young, I would have much rather have been home curled on the couch watching Dick Clark's New Years Rocking Eve.  To this day Dan Fogleberg's (no idea how to spell but you know the one...Met My old lover in the grocery story...) Same Auld Lang Sygne will bring me to tears.  When I was single it was always a little depressing not to have that significant other to ring in the New Year with .  After Shane and I got married we agreed on this just like we agreed on most everything when it came to life and family.  When it was just he and I we would grill out and hug the house, and I had someone to kiss me at 12 and tell each other we loved each other.  After the kids joined our life we never wanted to leave them on this night, they always joined us, we kissed each other then kissed our babies.  We enjoyed our babies company and they would join us for any New Years get together to ring it in with us. 
New Years has always been a little depressing for me.  I think it may have something to do with the holiday season coming to an end.  Regrets of things past, uncertainty of things to come.  Last year was no different, my sweet friend Whitney provided dinner for us along with New Year hats, horns the whole works.  I remember taking pictures of us all with Shane and I with our hats on and the kids enjoying each other.  I also remember wondering what this new year would hold for us.  I never dreamed it would be a year that would forever be etched in my heart and soul.  I went into the new year knowing Shane would be healed of cancer and he would have a wonderful testimony to share.  How different things turned out.  I can't say we made it till 12, but I do remember kissing Shane and telling him I loved him.  If I only could turn back time for this night again, to have Shane to kiss, tell him I love him, and look forward to a new year with him.  But as our story goes, that's not the case.  So my New Years depression is understandable this year where as in years past it wasn't.  I have to say 2010 was not my favorite year, so I can say I am ready to bid it farewell. 2010 will always be remembered and marked as the year Shane passed.  I will always treasure 2010 because it will always be etched in my heart as the last time I held, kissed,  and spoke with Shane.  2010  will be marked for me as the year I experienced the love of God like never before, the presence of His Spirit and the love of so many like never before.  So saying goodbye to 2010 is bittersweet for me.  I have to say it has been a year of significant spiritual growth that I will be forever thankful for.  At the same time, I look forward to a new year, one with new hope, faith, and promises from my Saviour.  I don't make resolutions but I have set a goal, that is-to continue to grow spiritually.  I want to surrender my all to Him, I want to continue to experience Him and His presence, I want bathe myself in His word.  I am setting a goal to start memorizing 2 verses a month (big stuff since I don't memorize anything but PIN numbers, etc.)  I want God's word to effortlessly spew from my lips, I want it to be in my heart, in my very core.  You see, I had a great mentor to show me what having the Word living inside of you could truly do in your life.  Shane, taught me so much about having His word dwelling inside of you.  Seeing it in action is quite contagious, so I want to experience it as he did.  With all of this being said, I get a little excited about a NEW year, unlike past years.  Excited to see God's continued blessings in my life, my children's life.  He has promised new things...so bring it on 2011 (please let it be better than 2010.)
"This is what the Lord says, ‘Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." Isaiah 43: 16,18,19  Happy New Year to you and yours, may 2011 be full of many many blessings. As for me, I will try earnestly to not dwell on the past and look for His new things, knowing He will continue to make a way for me. 

CHRISTmas

Well, its CHRISTmas Eve and here I am.  Dreaded this moment for months but you know what?  It's not too bad. This is Shane and my most favorite time of the year so it is hard but it has been good. I say that because today the only way I can explain how I am feeling is "peace."  The kind of peace that only my Heavenly Father could give to me and my children.  Don't get me wrong, there is an absence that's unexplainable too, but my heart feels joy.  I have had several fellow widows say that the first year without your spouse at CHRISTmas is hard but the second one is even harder.  So this year I will enjoy this peace that He is providing for me and take comfort in that, I will worry about next year, next year.  I just visited my aunt, the wife to my only uncle that suddenly passed last week.  She was surrounded by children and grand-children and there seemed to be that same "peace" present there also.  I chose to fill my house last night with family, on being asked why? (since I am known not to be the entertainer) my reply was I wanted to fill my house with joy instead of sadness.  There was laughter, running, giggling and of course eating.  I have said often that if it wasn't for the children I would have left town.  OHHHH how happy I didn't do just that, because you see, my family has been so vital in this healing.  This year we are making a new normal for me and the kids and the rest of the family.  Our new normal is an empty seat at the dinner table, name tags with a missing name, and things to be done that parents do as a team to be done by me alone.  Its a normal that I don't think I will ever like or get use to, but I have that same presence that was present on the night Shane left.  Oh how thankful I am for the presence of my Jesus.  I've praised Him today because I know this will be Shane's best Christmas ever, it may be a silent night here, but I guarantee its not silent where Shane is.  There is rejoicing, and more rejoicing and continued praises of Hallelujah.  My soul will be rejoicing tonight too, that the man I love is getting to experience that and that I get to rejoice here on earth for a Saviour.  A God that sent Himself to earth to save us.  Oh how he loves you and me.  I will rejoice in the fact of my continued blessings in Jake, Sam and Molly and so many others.  I will rejoice in knowing this is all temporary here.  I will rejoice that my Saviour that laid in a simple manger, lived a simple life is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords.  Just because Shane is not here doesn't mean its not Jesus' birthday, so I will choose to celebrate no matter how hard it may be without him. So Happy Birthday Jesus, Merry Christmas Shane (celebrate for the rest of us) and Merry Christmas to you all, may you all feel the presence of His Holiness and experience Him in every way this CHRISTmas. 

Happy Birthday Shane!

This time last year we were hopefully and fearfully celebrating Shane's 38th Birthday.  This year we will be celebrating with hope, tremendous love, comfort, joy and deep deep sadness.  Today would be Shane's 39th birthday.  We are celebrating with hope because we have hope in Jesus Christ and we have a promise to be with Shane again in eternity.  We celebrate loving Shane more today than we did yesterday and less than we will tomorrow and knowing how much he deeply loved each one of us.  We celebrate with comfort because God continually comforts our family through memories, rainbows, people and stories and his legacy.  We celebrate with the joy of knowing that Shane is celebrating in a new way with his Father in Heaven and the joy that he brought to us here on earth.  And we celebrate with deep deep sadness for the fact that he is not here in body, that we can't eat out with him as our family tradition, that we can't have Hot Molten Lava Cake with him and that November 21st will never ever be the same without him.  We have sadness that we won't be waking up with him and planning a day of activities.  However, this day will not go unnoticed.  We will be celebrating his life today.  We will celebrate by praising Jesus at church (cause Shane would have it no other way), we will celebrate with lunch with family, then we will plant a dwarf lacey leaf maple in a strategic area in our yard so that when we pull into the drive our attention will be on the tree planted in memory of him, instead of our attention being on the red truck that is parked more than moved.  Then we will travel to an out of town church to hear one of Shane's favorite preachers and my favorite Christian singer.  All in memory and honor of Shane and the life he lived here.  I recently spoke to an assembly and I told the crowd that while I would love to be miserable and wallow in self-pity I choose to be joyful.  Not only for the fact that I will be with Shane again in a place without grief, pain, death or sorrow, but also because I know that Shane would want me to choose joy.  He would want me to celebrate his life here with gladness and not sorrow. Shane's mom was here the other day and we were talking about his upcoming birthday, the holidays and she shared with me again about the day he was born.  She had him on a Sunday, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and went home on that Monday and it was snowing. Some how I know God had that planned out, just like he had Shane's days planned here.
   So today while I reflect on his birthday's past I would like to also reflect on his new life.  Jake and I were talking about how old we think Shane is in heaven and Jake said he thinks 17, I prefer to think of him at about 30.  One of those things we will not know until we are there, but for now I choose to think of him as 30 and full of life as he was at that age here.  I prefer to replace that thought instead of the memories of last year and what we were dealing with.  I was reading my journal from that time and had written my thoughts and  how we celebrated last year..."Shane's spirits were great today, a new sense of hope, I wrote that he was so unselfish that, again, today he said that this is not about me but about Him. I journaled how I wanted to be just like him so unselfish.  Then I wrote a prayer...Lord, I ask you to let me spend Shane's next 38+ years with him.  He just has so much more to do here on earth before he goes home.[Thinking God thought he would finish what he was suppose to in the next 5 months] Amen." We celebrated with dinner picked up at Longhorn's, and a candle in a fried apple pie.  I have a picture of him blowing out the candle making a wish.  I could almost bet you that the wish he wished while blowing out that candle had absolutely nothing to do with him, because he was like that.
 His gift last year was a call from the doctors telling him he had a confirmed malignancy, but this year his gift is a place in the Kingdom of the Most High.   I know that is the gift that Shane so desired, knowing he would never exchange or take a refund if given the chance.

Happy Birthday Shannon! We miss you like crazy!!

We love you!!  Deede Bo, Jakey, Sammy Fly Shookem and Lil Curl

"TIGER WALK" T-WILL ft KNUCK T-WILLMUSIC.COM

Let me see that TIGER WALK!!

Sweet Molls

Grow in the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  Get to know Him better.  Give Him glory both now and forever.  Amen." (2 Peter 3:18, NIrV)

It was 4 years ago that one of my 3 sweet blessings was born.  A few months earlier I remember waking up at 3am sneaking into the bathroom and taking a pregnancy test.  As I sat and waited and wondered everything was going through my mind.  As I slowly watched it turn to positive I remember saying to God before waking Shane, "Really?  What in the world? I can hardly handle the 2 I have."  I woke Shane up, carried him to the bathroom and showed him the stick.  He was ecstatic (even at 3am), I was crying for whatever reason.  I was scared of having 3 kids.  Don't get me wrong I had always wanted 3, I feel 3's a charm, seeing how I am a 3rd.  Later we were excited to find out that it was a girl.  Shane was finally going to have a "daddy's girl."  She decided to come early.  We called our doctor friend on a Sunday morning and told him what was transpiring, he told us to head to the hospital.  Got there and things started moving rather quickly.  We did all the necessary things and then Dr. Ray came in and told us he was going to break my water.  He did just that and little Miss Molly didn't like it one bit.  Her heart rate slowed to an alarming rate.  It was a scary situation and Ray told me that we needed to do an emergency C-section.  NOT what I wanted to hear.  I had delivered 2 boys and I was terrified of a c-section.  They wheeled me to the OR and started prepping me.  I remember looking into the light and asking God to please help me, help my baby and please let every thing be ok.  The nurses told Shane to take my earrings out, bless him he was so nervous and so cute in his cap and OR attire.  I could feel his hands shaking and he could barely get my earrings out.  He was with me every step of the way, trying to be encouraging and seeing how much he loved me every time he looked at me. All the sudden the monitor that was attached to Molly started beating a little faster.  Ray asked if I heard that and about the same time I told him I needed to push.  Needless to say, Miss Molly decided she didn't want to come into this world via c-section.  Shane was whispering encouraging words for the 2 short pushes.  She was delivered in the OR.  The significant difference in her delivery and Jake and Sam's was the fact that I was not the first to hold her...her daddy was.  Since we were in the OR and it was cold and she had been in a little distress they took her immediately to the warmer to assess her.  Shane followed over and they handed that sweet little girl to her sweet daddy.  He immediately brought her over and I could tell he was totally in love with her.  Nothing changed.  He adored her, he did the boys, but there was just something different about a daddy and a little girl.   I have so often thought back to that morning when I found out I was pregnant with her and asked God what he was thinking...now I do.  For the past 4 years sweet Molls has been nothing but pure joy.  I almost enrolled her in preschool last year and something told me not to.  I truly think God nudged me to keep her home for she was such a distraction and joy to have her with Shane and I during his sickness.  She would sweetly rub her daddy's back when he was so ill, she would curl up with him on the couch and he would sweetly watch hours on end of Sprout, just to be with her.  She never minded curling up with him on his worst days and never minded sleeping right with him when he was in need of oxygen.  I remember this time last year on days he was too preoccupied to work when we were trying to get a diagnosis he would spend so much time with her when she would sweetly say, "Daddy, can you swing me."  He always obliged because he loved her and wanted to spend time with her.  His fear at the end would be that she would have no memories of him.  God has taken care of that.  He has allowed her sweet mind to remember things that I don't even recall about her daddy.  She remembers him teasing her, holding her and most importantly loving her.  I know God orchestrated her conception, He knew what was ahead and knew I would need her to sweetly remind me about "balance," to sweetly wipe my tears away time and time again, and sweetly tell me, "Momma, everything is going to be alright."  She's been a rock to me even at 3 years old.  So today, on your 4th Birthday I thank God for you, I thank Him for knowing that I would need you when I was scared to have a 3rd child.  I thank Him for the 3 years you had with your daddy.  I thank Him for allowing Shane to know what it was like to have a sweet sweet tiny female voice say, "Hold you daddy and I love you."  I thank God for allowing your Daddy's memory to be so vivid in your little mind.  I am sorry that he will not be with you in the flesh for the rest of your life but know that he is ALWAYS with you and watching over you.  I am sorry that your birthday is marked as the day that daddy found that stinking disease in his lung.  Please know that the date of your birth will always be celebrated and I thank you that we have you to celebrate on October 29th so that we don't have to dwell on this day as a day of bad news.  I love you Molly D, and I thank God for you and know your daddy is so very proud of you.  I always want you to remember how much your daddy loved you.  Happy Birthday Lil' Curl, hope your day and life is blessed beyond measure. 
Love Momma & always in our hearts DaddyO

October

All the leaves are brown, (leaves are brown) and the sky is gray.  I know, I know, I am WAY too young to know any songs by the Mamas and the Papas but I do know this one and that first line pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now.  I knew October was going to be a hard month, and that was an understatement.  I'm trying so hard to stay upbeat for Molly's sake.  This is her birthday month so I am trying to focus on the positive instead of all the negative that we experienced last year at this time.  We did make it through her birthday party without Daddy, although, she did break my heart by saying I wish my Daddy could be here.  I reassured her and told her that he was here, even though we couldn't see him or touch him.  I know its hard for her almost 4 year old mind to comprehend I find my 41 year old mind trying to comprehend it too.  Her party was good, thanks to our family and dearest friends helping us celebrate.  It was filled with fun, food and laughter, however, it was missing that infamous laughter and goofiness of her dad.  I'd catch myself several times about to tell him to do something, as I always did at these productions, we call parties.  I would always have to interrupt him and remind him of his daddy duties, of filming the activities or doing this or that.  On these days, I miss his flesh!!  I know his spirit is with us every step of the way but I just want something tangible.  I want him to be able to hold Molly on Friday and tell her "Happy Birthday my 4 year old lil' curl."  I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I want him to be able to help Jake with his math homework, I want him to be able to be at Sam's first competitive race to cheer him on. I want him here to carve the pumpkin as he has for as long as I have known him in his meticulous way. I want him here. I know my sweet Molly feels the same way as does the boys.  I know all the people that love her and were with us on Saturday are awesome, but it doesn't erase the fact that the one man in her life she called daddy was not here.  My heart breaks for her almost  4year old heart.  Knowing she doesn't even know the magnitude of her circumstances.  Just thankful for those that surround us with unwavering love and support.

(this picture doesn't do it justice)

There is a tree across the street from our house that we watch turn from green to orange to vibrant yellow every October.  The day I brought Molly home from the hospital on Halloween 4 years ago my mom took a picture of me and her before we ever walked into the house.  That tree is so brilliantly beautiful in the background.  Its our families way of gaging autumn and the time of year it is.  Last year, on the 29th, I remember looking at that same tree while Shane carved the pumpkin with questions whirling in both of our heads about the news we had just received earlier that day.  I remember thinking that no matter what happens that tree always changes its color no matter what else is going on in the world.  This year I have watched it day by day slowly turn to its beautiful yellow.  I haven't got to enjoy it for very long this year.  It doesn't look like its going to be as vibrant as long this year.  With the wind, rain and storms it has lost most of its leaves.  Actually, it lost most of its leaves just yesterday.  The reason for this story is to compare that very tree to me.   One second alive, and living a great everyday life with my husband and family.  The storm came (cancer), the rain came and the winds blew and now I am stripped.  Stripped of my luster, my vibrancy.  Although I feel everything has been stripped, just like that tree, I know that next spring, it will be the first to bud its green leaves. I also know that just like that tree, I have roots.  I have roots that stabilize me and keep me standing even when the strongest winds blow.  The deepest root is my Father in Heaven and love for Jesus Christ.  The others that surround that root is my family and friends that hold me up when I feel I will break.   I know God has promised me that,  like the tree, I will bloom again.  I am not so sure I will bloom as fast as the tree, for I still have to make it through several seasons.  My women's bible study just went over the analogy of pruning.  Never has the verses in John meant so much to me than right now. "I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer.  He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. An every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more.  You are already pruned by the message I have spoken.  "Live in me.  Make your home in me just as I do in you.  In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.  I am the Vine, you are the branches.  When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant.  Separated, you can't produce a thing.  Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire.  But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon.  This is how my Father shows who he is-when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.  John 15:1-8 The Message Yep, I've been pruned down to a nub, to a point where I feel like I will never grow again but God promises me that I will bloom and flourish as long as I have Him.  The problem with that is the waiting.  Right now, I feel like that tree across the street, just trying to hang on to at least a few leaves, so I am not stripped completely.  I also know as soon as I lose all of my leaves that I will be ready to bloom again and again in Christ.  So dear God in Heaven, thank you for pruning me and stripping me to nothing and Father God I can't wait to see my season of vibrant blooming.  For through You God, I have that promise, prune me and make me what You will.  Use me in the way I can be used and dear God help me be patient in waiting for the growing, blooming season while I stand leafless. And thank you dear God for loaning me a little bloom  named Molly.  Amen.

Jeremiah 29:11

'I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’" Jeremiah 29:11  I know all of you have heard this verse over and over.  Frankly, when Shane was sick and then passed when people would throw this verse out to me I heard mostly-"yadayadayada" and my thoughts were something like-yeah whatever, how can the sickness and death of my husband prosper and not harm me and my children.  Honestly, I still struggle with this verse and still struggle with how Shane's death is a good thing for me and my family.  However, this verse popped up as my email scripture yesterday in just the right time.  I received some news that was not so good yesterday concerning some personal stuff (not health related just personal yuck.)  I received it on my way to my bible study, ironically.  Handled it at first, then when I saw my sister-lost it with her, (God has a way of putting people at the right place at the right time) before going in and it carried over into the study.  Our study leader always prays before we start and always has some awesome music to get our hearts and minds ready to study His Word.  During the song, I had to excuse myself and head to the restroom before I was a bawling mess.  I was not far so I could hear the music.  I spoke to God about the circumstances and asked Him to show up.  For some reason on this particular day 2 songs played before we studied when usually only one plays.  The second song was just instrumental but it has been my "song" to push through my circumstances.  "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" played throughout the house and through the door of the restroom.  I knew instantly that God sent that song for me, for it to permeate my being to know that no matter what the circumstance is, He is there.  My sister came in to check on me and gave me a much needed hug and told me she wished she could take it all away and asked God to take this all away.  Then a dear dear sister in Christ came in and squatted before me and said, "Do you hear what song is playing?" She also commented that the song was straight from God and from Shane.  She recited," Turn your eyes upong Jesus, look full in His wonderful face and the things of earth will grow strangely dim..."  This sweet sister remembered that while at the womens conference I spoke at in July I stated this was my "song."  Then another friend reminded me after the study to dwell on the things that God HAS done for me and not on the bad stuff and all the bad stuff would not seem so big.  She was right.  Yesterday, I reminded myself of how the Holy Spirit has been all over me for the past year and how I have seen huge things from God and tiny things from Him.  Yep, I still struggle with His plans for me, but in the grand scheme of things I know He has my back.  I know all of this "stuff" is happening for a reason and that whatever happens He is with me.  I was reminded yesterday that sometimes God allows many things to happen at one time in order for me to totally surrender to Him.  Yes, when bad things happen, one at a time, we can probably handle them, but when many bad things happen all at once, we will tend to surrender to Him, because it is too big for us.  So today, I surrender it all...all of the questions, the circumstances and the fear to the One that can handle it when it is much too big for me.  I know His plans will prosper me and not harm me I just have to be patient and dicerning to recognize those plans.  If I could ask for you to pray that I can surrender it "all" to Him because I truly can't handle it without Him.  Thanks to all that continually pray for me and my family.  Thanks to those that bless us with kindness. Thanks be to God for ALL the things He has done and will do.  Amen.