October

All the leaves are brown, (leaves are brown) and the sky is gray.  I know, I know, I am WAY too young to know any songs by the Mamas and the Papas but I do know this one and that first line pretty much sums up the way I'm feeling right now.  I knew October was going to be a hard month, and that was an understatement.  I'm trying so hard to stay upbeat for Molly's sake.  This is her birthday month so I am trying to focus on the positive instead of all the negative that we experienced last year at this time.  We did make it through her birthday party without Daddy, although, she did break my heart by saying I wish my Daddy could be here.  I reassured her and told her that he was here, even though we couldn't see him or touch him.  I know its hard for her almost 4 year old mind to comprehend I find my 41 year old mind trying to comprehend it too.  Her party was good, thanks to our family and dearest friends helping us celebrate.  It was filled with fun, food and laughter, however, it was missing that infamous laughter and goofiness of her dad.  I'd catch myself several times about to tell him to do something, as I always did at these productions, we call parties.  I would always have to interrupt him and remind him of his daddy duties, of filming the activities or doing this or that.  On these days, I miss his flesh!!  I know his spirit is with us every step of the way but I just want something tangible.  I want him to be able to hold Molly on Friday and tell her "Happy Birthday my 4 year old lil' curl."  I want him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok.  I want him to be able to help Jake with his math homework, I want him to be able to be at Sam's first competitive race to cheer him on. I want him here to carve the pumpkin as he has for as long as I have known him in his meticulous way. I want him here. I know my sweet Molly feels the same way as does the boys.  I know all the people that love her and were with us on Saturday are awesome, but it doesn't erase the fact that the one man in her life she called daddy was not here.  My heart breaks for her almost  4year old heart.  Knowing she doesn't even know the magnitude of her circumstances.  Just thankful for those that surround us with unwavering love and support.

(this picture doesn't do it justice)

There is a tree across the street from our house that we watch turn from green to orange to vibrant yellow every October.  The day I brought Molly home from the hospital on Halloween 4 years ago my mom took a picture of me and her before we ever walked into the house.  That tree is so brilliantly beautiful in the background.  Its our families way of gaging autumn and the time of year it is.  Last year, on the 29th, I remember looking at that same tree while Shane carved the pumpkin with questions whirling in both of our heads about the news we had just received earlier that day.  I remember thinking that no matter what happens that tree always changes its color no matter what else is going on in the world.  This year I have watched it day by day slowly turn to its beautiful yellow.  I haven't got to enjoy it for very long this year.  It doesn't look like its going to be as vibrant as long this year.  With the wind, rain and storms it has lost most of its leaves.  Actually, it lost most of its leaves just yesterday.  The reason for this story is to compare that very tree to me.   One second alive, and living a great everyday life with my husband and family.  The storm came (cancer), the rain came and the winds blew and now I am stripped.  Stripped of my luster, my vibrancy.  Although I feel everything has been stripped, just like that tree, I know that next spring, it will be the first to bud its green leaves. I also know that just like that tree, I have roots.  I have roots that stabilize me and keep me standing even when the strongest winds blow.  The deepest root is my Father in Heaven and love for Jesus Christ.  The others that surround that root is my family and friends that hold me up when I feel I will break.   I know God has promised me that,  like the tree, I will bloom again.  I am not so sure I will bloom as fast as the tree, for I still have to make it through several seasons.  My women's bible study just went over the analogy of pruning.  Never has the verses in John meant so much to me than right now. "I am the Real Vine and my Father is the Farmer.  He cuts off every branch of me that doesn't bear grapes. An every branch that is grape-bearing he prunes back so it will bear even more.  You are already pruned by the message I have spoken.  "Live in me.  Make your home in me just as I do in you.  In the same way that a branch can't bear grapes by itself but only by being joined to the vine, you can't bear fruit unless you are joined with me.  I am the Vine, you are the branches.  When you're joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant.  Separated, you can't produce a thing.  Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire.  But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon.  This is how my Father shows who he is-when you produce grapes, when you mature as my disciples.  John 15:1-8 The Message Yep, I've been pruned down to a nub, to a point where I feel like I will never grow again but God promises me that I will bloom and flourish as long as I have Him.  The problem with that is the waiting.  Right now, I feel like that tree across the street, just trying to hang on to at least a few leaves, so I am not stripped completely.  I also know as soon as I lose all of my leaves that I will be ready to bloom again and again in Christ.  So dear God in Heaven, thank you for pruning me and stripping me to nothing and Father God I can't wait to see my season of vibrant blooming.  For through You God, I have that promise, prune me and make me what You will.  Use me in the way I can be used and dear God help me be patient in waiting for the growing, blooming season while I stand leafless. And thank you dear God for loaning me a little bloom  named Molly.  Amen.