Uncertainty

Since I haven't blogged in such a while there is lots I have to say. However, I've been awake since 3:30 am with something on my mind. I recently found out that Shane, back in January, had asked a very dear friend of ours for her to be my advisor of sorts, if something were to happen to him. First, he continues to amazes me that he was planning for this, that he loved me enough to start putting things in place. Second, he loved this woman. He could not say enough things about her. Some of the things that he loved about her (and same reasons I do) is her compassion for others, her drive, her wit, her intelligence, the list goes on. He was amazed by her, as I still am. She has been my "go to" person since Shane left this earth. She is a professor at a local college and she is considered the "mom" to so many students. She's just that way. Tirelessly giving of herself even when things are not so great for her or someone in her family. I have felt so comfortable knowing that Shane entrusted her with information and comforted to know that she has mine and my childrens best interest at heart. She guides me in her "motherly" way and helps me feel strong in decisions I am making or will be making. Most importantly, she loves God and trusts Him. Something else, I continue to learn from her. I know one of the reasons Shane turned to her was not only her wisdome, but because he knew she is a mentor of sorts. I love this woman like another sister, I love her family. Her girls were the first non-family members that I allowed to babysit my children (which if you know me, is HUGE). She lives in my neighborhood and she is a rock for so many of us. She has had her share of "yuck" in her life, but it never seems to get her down. She is always so upbeat and determined. She is still extremely upbeat about having to relocate across the country. Me, not so much. The whole thing is extremely bittersweet for me. On one hand, I am extremely happy for the betterment for their family, but selfishly I am asking God why her and why right now. She, of course, keeps telling me that she will be back constantly, that she is just a phone call away and continues to encourage me even though her life is being totally turned upside down. I continue to find myself asking God why? I keep asking Him wasn't it enough that Shane had to go, but now one of the people that he entrusted to look after me is relocating across country?!. Which leaves me knowing that God is saying, "depend on me." Which is part of the reason that I am up at 5:00 am blogging about this. Again, I don't understand why He does the things He does, but I continue to trust Him in spite of it all. I am praying for this dear dear family, for G as she leaves behind one grad student, one college student and takes with her a 9th grader, whose world is being totally changed. I pray for her husband who is extremely happy about this change. I pray that even though there will be many miles between us that our relationship will never change. I pray, again, for my children, as they are wondering why one of their favorite families will not be right around the corner, at the neighborhood pool, watching out for us. Not sure how much more change, loss, my little family can endure. Knowing God is telling me to depend on Him but at the same time struggling. Shane, me and the kids love you McDaniel family and we are happy for you through our tears. God, I'm trusting You even though I don't like this either. I know God has a plan for me and my family but I continue to seek out the good in those plans. I hate being selfish but dang!!! (for lack of a better word)