Rainbows

My blog tonight may come out really jumbled. I have so much to say I feel like its going to be verbal vomit. So here goes. I have been struggling probably since my beach trip with my feelings for God. I admit, I'm still not real happy with His decision. I wasn't at all happy with the fact that He allowed Shane to get cancer, was not happy with Him while Shane was suffering and was not AT ALL happy when He decided to take Shane home. I have struggled with my conversations with Him, just like I use to when I was upset with Shane about something. I can't put into words what I feel, nor do I expect most of you to understand at all what I am talking about. I know the question of why will always be there, and that's fine, for I know that I don't think I would ever be able to put my earthly mind completely around what God's reasons were for this story. My dear sister finds the best things for me and sends them just when I need them the most. Just yesterday I received an email from her and the subject line was, "You must read this." So I did, and I thank her for sharing it, I needed a good swift kick in the buttocks. If you would like to read what kicked my but then read this.. www.internetmonk.com/archive/sometimes-its-just-plain-hard.com (sorry not so blogger literate yet to add a link.) For those of you that are too lazy to read this, I will give you the short version. The internet monk obviously was diagnosed with cancer in November and died in March (sounds familiar) and his wife has started posting in his place, she also has her own blog. Her latest post about it being sometimes plain hard, was about her husband suffering from the cancer. Not only that, but she said she is sick of hearing such wonderful stories of how people have passed. I know I will not be sharing Shane's last 10 with her anytime soon, because it is truly a glory story. She stated how she was struggling with God, first, about her husband getting cancer, but that he didn't even die a glorious death. She warns you at the first of the blog that it is pretty graphic and shares some of the details of his death. Nothing huge, but just basic death experiences. After reading this I realized that even though I am hugely disappointed in God's decisions that I am also extremely thankful for my experience with Shane's death. I do have a wonderful experience even in the midst of the ugliness of death. While it wasn't ALL wonderful, the good so much outweighs the bad of it all. I only have God to thank for that. I don't know why He chooses some to have a wonderful dying story and others to not have such a good experience. I so can't believe that I am even saying there is a "good" story about dying. Fortunately, I think God considered me in this matter, and knew that I needed this. One person commented on this ladies blog that some people fabricate death stories, like they fabricate birthing stories, to make them better than they really are. Well, thank God I have 4 other witnesses that were with me and Shane so that I know I haven't just dreamed it up. Again, I'm not sure why He allowed me to witness such a wonderful transistion from this life to the everlasting, but He did and I am thankful for that. I have struggled with the fact that maybe my prayers were just not strong enouch to help Shane, but I do remember the prayer I prayed out loud with Shane on April 2nd. We were upstairs by ourselves, and felt the need to pray with him. I prayed for that miracle that I kept expecting, then I told God that if that were not His Will then to please make Shane's transistion from this life to the everlasting, peaceful, beautiful and and painless for Shane and for me. I asked that He be glorified no matter what, for I knew that that was Shane's ultimate last wishes. So now that I think back on that prayer, maybe my prayers did have a little weight to them. Maybe what I prayed for was in God's plan anyway, who knows, and at this point don't think it matters. Again, I know it was one of Shane's last gifts to me, and one of God's ultimate gifts to me. Total assurance. I'm not sure why this lady didn't get to experience something beautiful but I do know my heart aches for her. I do know that that early morning wasn't all beautiful, and wished some images could be erased. However, I know God allows that to remind us that death was not His plan for us. I know that there is hope for those that believe in Him. That, my friends, is what gets me through each day.

While at the beach, while I was struggling with my feelings with God, my mom and I were sitting on the beach watching the kids play with Uncle Murph and Trace in the ocean. It was beautiful. I love the ocean for the sheer fact that it reminds me of how Great and how Big my God really is. My mom said, "Don't you know Shane is watching and smiling right now." I nodded in agreement and at the same time some guys were walking in front of us and one pointed up. Out of curiousity I looked up and this is what I saw... I know it looks like something the camera did, but nope, this is what we saw and continued to see for over an hour. The day was clear, no rain clouds around, but a beautiful rainbow circling the sun. My mom could only say one word, "Shane!" I pointed it out to the kids and they all were astounded as I was. Jake looked up, looked back at me and mouthed the word, "Daddy." It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I truly believe that it was from God. It happened again on Wednesday. Me and Molly were up at the pool and I looked up and there it was again. I told Molly to look, she borrowed my sunglasses and looked up and she said, "there's my daddy." It was almost like an eye looking down on us. Again, it was like a big comforting reassurance from my Father. I thought about it lots while there. Then one day I was checking my emails on my phone at the beach and I received a "God Winks" on facebook. Guess what it said? It said, "don't be surprised if you have recently lost someone very dear to you that God doesn't send a rainbow, its His reminder that everything is going to be fine." WOW! So much for even thinking anything different but it being from God. After we came home I looked up this type of rainbow on the computer and its called a "solar Halo." Anything less? Even though He knows I'm not realy happy with Him and the things that He has allowed or orchestrated, He continues to love me and continues to constantly wink at me, and continually sends me reassurances. He loves me even when I'm not so lovable. Thank you God for the simple reminders that you send me, especially the rainbows. Thanks for the beauty behind it. Through each storm there is always a "rainbow" at the end. While I am still right in the middle of this raging storm, I so know He is reminding me constantly to just hang on. I am Lord, I am.