Forgiveness

Well it’s back to reality for me and the kiddos. We enjoyed a week at Ft. Morgan AL last week with Shane’s mom and dad. They treated us to a sweet house on the beach, oceanfront. I have decided I need a shack, house, trailer on the beach for my respite. They wanted this trip to be for us, and it was just that. We all had a wonderful time. Extremely bittersweet, the drive down was the exact drive we took so many times with Shane, 11 times to be exact, the restaurants we ate at, the ice cream place we stopped at, the grocery stores, all were just reminders and memories. When we went to Orange Beach the memories hit Jake pretty hard and seeing him hurt made me hurt and all that hurt made Shane’s mom hurt. Jake realizes that this is just all a part of the healing process. He even said himself that next time we are there it won’t be quiet so hard. It was a time of healing and making new memories all at the same time. I struggled being there without Shane, it was our favorite place to vacation with our little family. Each child visited there as tiny babies and the last time we were all there was 2 years ago. The day I was packing and getting the boys golf bags ready to go, it slammed me in the face that they should have been planning to play golf on vacation with their daddy. Something he couldn’t wait to do. He was not like me in the sense that sitting on the beach from sun up to sundown got a little mundane so he was looking forward to when he and the boys could play golf together. I have to say I was looking forward to that day too, hoping Molly would be like her mom and love the beach from sun up to sundown. Don’t get me wrong I am so thankful that Paw Paw, aka Big D, was willing to take them but it still should have been their daddy.

Before we left I decided to get the book my sister had recommended to read. I decided to read it while I was there because the author is from Orange Beach and the story took place in the area. The book is The Heart Mender by Andy Andrews. I highly recommend this book. It is a true story and has just enough history, suspense to keep you from wanting to put it down. The main reason it kept me captivated was the whole theme of the book…forgiveness. As I got to the end of the book I was on the beach with the kids and of course my kids can detect tears a million miles away now, so Jake asked me if I was crying. Yep, I was and this time it was because of a dang book. As rare as it is, that day my kids were ready to head in and did so with Shane’s mom, aka Pooh. So I finished the book without interruption and then had ample time to sit and think about it. Again, the whole theme of the book is about forgiveness. While I watched dolphins splash by, and watched the sun go deeper I started thinking about what I needed to forgive. I thought I had forgiven God for taking Shane away, but when I really think about it, I don’t think I fully have. Then I thought about a conversation I had just had the day before on the beach with a gentleman that shared with me that his wife had a terminal disease and probably had about 2 years to live. He was telling me he completely understood what I had been through and hated to know that he was going to know what it felt like for his spouse to pass. He asked me if I had fought with being mad at Shane during his sickness. This conversation made me ask myself did I and had I forgiven him and myself? So many times I wanted to yell at him to FIGHT!!!! I wanted him not to give up, I wanted him to fight this stinking disease. While I know from the pit of my heart that he did absolutely nothing to be forgiven by me I know I need to purge this and get it out there. I also realize that I need to forgive myself, for beating myself up for thinking I could have done so much more, more time, more patience, more understanding, just more. I had time to sit and think about all the forgiveness that I needed to take care of in my life.

Now, fast forward to my Wednesday morning bible study, what was it on today???? Yep, forgiveness. Just like God to put it right there so He would make sure that I was going to deal with it and not let it just wash out with the waves of the gulf. Our leader hit it home when she answered her own question of, “What do we usually need to forgive?” She answered, “Sometimes don’t we have to forgive what our circumstances are?” She got a loud Amen on that one from me. That was it. I need to forgive God for what I have been handed. We talked about how God forgives us and what makes a person think we are so much better than Him, to think we can’t forgive. We are not even close to who HE is, so why do we think He should forgive us if we can’t forgive others. I almost could hear a loud slap on my hand from my Father. So as I finish this post I ask you, what do you need to forgive? Something small, something huge, something trivial, something that seems almost unforgivable, something you have to dig really hard inside to pull out, or something you just don’t want to let go of?? By not forgiving someone it will steal so much joy that God has promised us. We also talked about how unforgiveness will also drive a huge wedge between you and God. I challenge you to dig it up, purge it, let go of those grudges and hurts and forgive whatever it is. Life is too short!! God forgives us so easily why can’t we be like Him and forgive as easily??? Are you better than HIM?? I can answer that with a big fat NO! I am going now to settle some things of my own.