Guilt, Anger, and Impatience

I was told this morning by an old friend that it was time for me to blog, so here goes. Let me start by saying God always allows those that make me smile to out of the blue call and leave a message on the days I need it most.  This week hasn't been good.  Can't put my finger on whats going on in these emotions of mine but know that I have that unsettled feeling again.  I know lots has to do with the time of year it is, remembering this time last year.  Also, baseball has started for both boys and there is a HUGE absence on and off the field.  Little things like new cleats and a new bat does not seem right with out the one that knew the game better than most.  Standing in Hibbetts yesterday I found myself feeling really sorry for me and my kids, and we were just there buying cleats.  As much as I love this weather it is totally bringing back memories of this time last year.  I know lots of these feelings I am feeling because it is getting so close to the 1 year anniversary of Shane's passing, and know this is all a normal part of the grieving process.  However, I don't like it and I don't have to like it.  I shared in my bible study, this morning, how I don't like these feelings I am feeling and how I feel guilty to constantly be asking for people to cover me and my children in prayer.  How I feel guilty when I hear other peoples problems and think, 'seriously are they really complaining about that?' I feel impatient right now, impatient on wanting these feelings to get better, impatient on wanting to see what God has in store for me and impatient on really wanting God to be glorified through my life. Impatient on waiting on Jesus return. I am tired of feeling angry, angry that my husband is not here to give me a hug, to sleep beside of me.  Angry that I can't talk to him about some really important things.  Angry that this emptiness inside of me is not going away.  Angry that my kids don't have a daddy to come home after work and cheer them on at their baseball games or tell them what they are doing right and wrong on the field.  Angry that I am having to think of somewhere to go so we don't have to be here on the anniversary of his passing.  Angry that on Saturday I went to his grave to see his headstone for the first time.  Seeing it "in stone" made me even angrier.  Angry that my kids get excited to actually be seeing his new headstone.  They should be excited about other things.  I am angriest that I'm all of these, guilty, impatient and angry.  I know this is not of God and that's why it makes me angry.  Most days I do have that unexplainable peace and joy but here lately all of these have been sneaking in.    I know I probably sound like I am rambling, but I think if those reading have ever experienced great loss or hurt then you can empathize with me.  My very good friend/spiritual mentor does know how I feel and continually tells me, "DeAnn, it hasn't even been a year yet, these feelings are so normal." She reminds me to just to be where God has me right now, because that is exactly where He wants me.  The sketch that hangs on my wall is a constant reminder of this very statement, its Jesus holding a lamb on his shoulder right up close to his face.  I know that is where He has me and I want to be comfortable right there, however long He wants me there.  So I will "abide" in His care and ask you (guiltily) to pray for me.  My specific prayer is for God, God alone, to feel this emptiness as only He can.  I know He can but I just have to let Him.  I need to get passed all of these emotions and just let Him hold me close to Him.  Which brings me to this song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3GijrnfStk  This is what I long for, I am seeking you my Savior, and loving you more by the day, loving you for being my shepherd who loves me.  Like a shepherd He will tend his flock, In His arm He will gather the lambs, And carry them in his bosom; He will gently lead the nursing ewes. Isaiah 40:11