Happiness and where I find it

I am slowly but surely taking steps to try and find some happiness and slowly move forward. I can say this knowing that Shane would want and expect me to do both, for me and for our children. At the same time I so want to stay in this moment of hurt, pain and discontent. Grief is that way, one moment you feel you are ready to move forward and then those feelings of grief roll in and take over and can stop you dead in your tracks. I have to say that finding happiness and moving forward is so much harder than I ever thought. Time is cruel to one in this way. It is hard to “move forward” when time keeps marching on. Time tends to take things away you would prefer to hold onto. For instance, to remember the way Shane smelled I will have to get his cologne, I confess I have even applied his deodorant and used his left over shaving cream just to hold onto his scent. I have a bag of dry cleaning of his that needs to be taken but I can’t because the clothes inside still have his scent. Time is slowly taking these little things away from me. In order to remember exactly how he sounded I will either have to play our greeting on the answering machine or play home videos, when watching these I can hear his laugh, see his smile and remember for just a little longer. I confess, I went to clean out his underwear drawer the other day and once I started I stopped, can’t do it. Not ready to do that right now and don’t know when I will be. I have also noticed that Jake is struggling with moving forward. I am seeing that he continues to “expect” things now. We have had some great things happen with people reaching out to us and taking care of us during this pain, it started before Shane even passed. I, as a grown women, have a hard time swallowing that life moves on for everyone else while our family is just entering the time in which our real misery and pain started. This time last year it was becoming evident of just how sick Shane really was. While we are right in the middle of remembering and recalling EVERY thing from this time last year, other people’s lives rock on, as it should. I am not saying that people have forgotten, but in a 10-year olds mind, it sure seems that way. It’s hard for him to grasp that even though this hurt and pain is ours, it’s not others. Even though we may think that the world owes us something, since part of our world has been taken, it or any one owes us nothing. I try to explain that we were really loved on and taken care of and we should be so very thankful and gracious for that, it won’t last forever and people will forget. I know the Tim Tebow recognition doesn’t help at all, he felt like a rock star for a few days. However, we are no more special than any other family that has lost their husband and daddy. But to us it does feel like we are the only ones. I realize that it’s not fresh on everyone’s mind as it is ours, and that’s ok, but forgive us for it being about the only thing on our minds.




I just went to my first big social outing without Shane. I was reluctant to go at first but some very sweet friends invited me to come along with them. I was a “5th wheel” with these sweet couples and they made me feel extremely comfortable and confident. I knew I had to get this outing behind me and was so glad to have them “holding my hand.” I jokingly stated that I was going to have a hat made that said; “Still sux, kids are good,” knowing that would be the topic of conversation. It was a blast of a night and I got to see so many of Shane’s friends, clients, etc. It was  fabulous  and I wasn’t treated like I had the plague as I have on occasion since Shane has been gone. I had this eerie fear that as soon as I walked up people would stop talking and laughing thinking well there’s the widow, fun’s over. I know you’re thinking I must think highly of myself, forgive me, I don’t, it’s just you think all sorts of things when you’re on your on for the first time in years. I know Shane would have wanted me out and about and wouldn’t expect me to pine away at home, even though that is sometimes my heart’s desire. As I ponder and worry about being happy, again, God’s timing is perfect. This week, after my outing, I received a letter from one of Shane’s dearest, closest friends. He was sharing his favorite memory of Shane as was asked at Shane’s service. I am still so thankful for each letter/memory for it is something I will cherish and share with the children so they can know just who their daddy was. The letter was stating how many good times they had but he chose a memory that I will forever cherish. He stated how he was visiting at the end when Shane was mostly resting. I was on the bed with him and he said something to me, I asked, “Do you need something babe?” Once he could see me he said, “I love you.” I said, “I know you do.” He repeated it to me, “I love you.” Then he went back to his resting state. He also shared that close to the end he and Shane had a conversation and he realized that Shane knew what may be inevitable. He started talking about me, and said I had been his rock and that he truly knew what it was to be loved. He asked this dear friend to help me find happiness. His friend stated in his letter that he wasn’t even sure what happiness looked like in this world. I often wonder too. One of the things I worry about is that my children may never fully grasp how much their mom and dad REALLY loved each other or how really happy we were. I think maybe this letter will help with that. I will pray that all of my children will find that happiness and love that we shared and never to settle for anything less. I had happiness once and I too, know what it’s really like to be loved. I am extremely thankful for God allowing me to experience love that some will never have. Most days I can find a little happiness, I find it knowing that Shane loved me enough to make sure that I did find happiness, I find it knowing I loved him with ALL my heart, it may be just something crazy the kids have done/said, smelling Shane’s deodorant (crazy I know), a memory, a greeting from a new puppy, knowing my family loves me and my babies and will do anything for us, knowing my oldest sister is being allowed by God’s grace to worship Him in Israel, it may be dozens of rainbows, whatever. On the flip side when I find a little happiness I catch myself and almost feel bad for finding a it and experiencing it.  I went to my grief support group and they tell me that it is normal to feel this way.  One thing I have realized, the one thing that makes me happiest is…knowing GOD loves me and each of my children and that His timing is perfect. So I will wait on Him and I will take the happiness that only He can provide. I will find happiness in waiting in anxious anticipation for Jesus to come back, because the happiness I find in this life is nothing to compare to the happiness I will find THERE. Can’t wait.