A Walk Around the Block

A Walk Around the Block

Today was one of those perfect fall days. The Richardson 4 has been on the road for the past few weekends so a day at home was welcomed. Finally was able to  decorate for fall, spend some time with my oldest, had Molls helping and Sam was off with a friend. It's days like this that fill me up with pure joy. Nothingness. No plans, just doing what comes next. In the nothingness I always seem to be able to think, reflect when usually I'm in such a teezy there's no time for that. The nothingness of my Saturday reminded me of a few years ago doing the same thing-decorating for fall. One of the Richardson's most favorite times of year. During that time I remember having that unsettled feeling, Shane wasn't himself, fighting a cough, I was busy with my 9, 6 and almost 3 year old, still, life was good. We had lots of Saturdays at home and I have to say I took them for granted. Friends-enjoy those days, the simple, unplanned days, I've come to realize these days are few and far between. Don't get me wrong-love the busyness and fun we have been having but these days of unplanned family time are rare. When time slows a bit I realize what I miss on a daily basis-for instance-on this afternoon of chatting with J my breath was literally taken away when he threw a glance at me----Shane Richardson. It seemed to be a Godwink-right there in our family room. Simple-but breathtaking. His looks and mannerisms are his daddy-spitting image, dead-ringer. Realizing that my little bestie is about to turn 8, and how I'm thankful at even at a young age 3 she still had memories of her  daddy. At the same time as the seasons are changing, life is too, daily. She is busy, creative, challenging and reminds me so much of my granny it makes me smile often. We've joked that I should have named her Molly Frances-still think about changing it, but not crazy about those initials. Then there is Sam-on a daily basis I get doses of Shane through this boy. Not in looks and mannerisms like his big brother but his heart. Nothing makes this mom happier than knowing Shane is walking around in an eleven year old body.  Spitting image of his daddy. Determination, motivation that his dad possessed and wished I could bottle up. Amazing. I was talking to my mom on the phone in between blowing the driveway off and finishing up and was telling her about Jakes glance and she said I should be very thankful for that-reminders. I am...thankful.
As we wound up our day and the sun had gone down I asked Molls if she wanted to take a walk with me. I had some things on my mind that I wanted to escape from. It was brisk, dusk, and perfect. Walking around the block with my baby-girls hand in mine, knowing these times will be becoming less and less overwhelming gratitude swept over me. Her telling me she was ready for Sam to come home, she missed him. Having Jake at home instead of out with buddies, knowing Sam would be returning and we'd all be together again. I am grateful that they are all still here with me.
While walking and talking, as chatty girls do, I was reminiscing of when Shane and i were dating. I was telling Molly most weekends on Friday afternoons when I got off work at 5 Shane would be waiting on me and we would head to Calhoun for the weekend. I told her how Pooh and PawPaw were always anxiously awaiting our arrival, spaghetti ready, movies waiting to be watched, clothes ready to be laundried. I told her it was this time of year we started dating-October 8th was our first:) With each step her little stride made with my long stride I filled her up with my memories. How once when pooh and I went walking in the cold rain (I was in better shape then) we came back to their house to find that Shane and pawpaw had been to the woods to find the perfect Christmas tree-up in the stand with the lights on. I will wait for another walk around the block to explain how those days I found myself falling head over heels with this man, how on a cold Novemeber night-just a few weeks after our first date her daddy told me he loved me the first time. Another walk around the block and I will tell her what REAL love feels like. How her daddy knew how to love me completely, how I pray that all 3 of our babies will be blessed with a love like ours. How I pray I do his memory justice when I speak of him. How I pray that when I talk of him they see the love I had/have for him as my best friend, lover, husband. This moms prayers are for their salvation, and that they are blessed with a love like ours. Hoping that on days of nothingness-they see reflections of him, their memories stay fresh of the man that loved them with his whole heart, that days like we had Saturday are sweet memories of us, even just us 4 when it should be 5.  I was reminded today by a wise friend that I have 3 blessings-and good things are coming. All this reminds me that there may never be another love like ours in my lifetime-but I'm ok with that, for some never find a love like ours in a lifetime. I will remember my blessings on these hard days ahead of reliving a diagnosis 5 years ago, a battle that had just begun before it ended.  In these days of griefs ebb and flows I will find joy in days like today, find joy in the busyness because the busyness means my children are good, here with me, even while typing papers, finishing class projects, carting back and forth to practices, dance and after-school-tutoring. I will find joy in 13+ pre-schoolers that love me just as Ms. DeeDee and give me sweet hugs and smiles and how my crazy co-workers keep me grounded and laughing. I have lots to be thankful for and this post is a reminder for me more than anything. My life may not have turned out as planned but my life right now, is good.
As Molly and I were wrapping up our walk around the block and enjoying the briskness of a new season, her tiny hand in mine, she looked up at me and said, "Mom, i sure wished daddy was still here."
Yes Molls, if you only knew how much I wished that too.