Mothering=Pain

Mothering  = PAIN!

If there is one thing I always wanted to be it was a mother. That was really my only ambition in life growing up. I can't remember ever wanting to be anything more, other than maybe a dancer in NYC. When I was a little girl I constantly was a mother to my many dolls-doing the things I saw my mother do. Bathing those plastic faces, changing their clothes, washing  clothes. Just being a pretend mommie. As time moved on even into high school I knew I wanted to be a mom. Then my first nephew was born and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wanted to be a mom of a little boy. I didn't know I could love another human being like I loved that little boy. Fast forward a few years i met Shane and the love I had for him just made things clear that our love for each other had to be multiplied.
I often worried that I may be the sister of three that wouldn't be able to have children. Thankfully, that wasn't the case. We easily got pregnant, I easily carried my babies and had relatively uneventful deliveries (minus one small drama queen), and did fairly well post-partum---ummmm many tearful nursings, mastitis 5x, sitting on inflatable rings, all just seem distant memories. Any of the bad was far outweighed by the sweet bundle of joy I held.
Jake, was our firstborn and was the wrath of Shane and mines nervousness as first time parents. Where the heck is the how-to manual?? Even with all the nervousness he was a great baby. We became best buddies, fast. I provided all he needed at his beck and call. Thankfully, Shane wanted me to be a stay-at-home mom, or maybe he knew I would never be able to leave this child, so he made a way for me not to go insane. Jake and I easily settled into our routine of just he and I. He was my world, day in and day out. Then at 5ish he was Shane's world. I relinquished him into his daddy's hands for the rest of the day. While I cooked, Shane and Jake did their daddy/son bonding. Thankfully, Shane was a hands-on daddy. He enjoyed bathing, reading and just being daddy when he was home from work and on the weekends. We just could not get enough of this little human. 3 years later we were blessed with Sweet Sam. He easily melted into our way of life, minus the first-born requesting "put him back in your belly" at first meeting. Jake's life didn't change much, just wasn't then one and only. He still recieved ample attention from Shane and I. To a fault, they were my world. It was years before Shane and I were comfy enough leaving them overnight, rarely did we even leave them for a date-night. Thankfully, we agreed that God had given us these gifts so they were ours to love and take care of. If I could I would change some of that---I would definitely do more date-nights if I had a do-over.
Time ticked on--we were in our groove. Shane working his way up the career ladder and me doing what I dreamed of all of my life. Those dreams never included crying, uncontrollably, ugly face-hiccup crying while dropping my firstborn off at 3 day pre-school. Those dreams never included feeling like an arm or leg was missing when he was away from me for even 4 hours. Those dreams didn't include being anxious about my second born being born and me having to spend overnight in the hospital...without my firstborn. Those dreams never included trying to figure out how to give them equal time after #2 was born and feeling guilty when #1 entertained himself while I tended to #2. Those dreams never included me having adult form separation anxiety when firstborn started to school. Manifested itself into full-blown debilitating anxiety disorder. Dreams never included Zoloft to be able to function daily. Dreams are funny that way, always leaving the details out.

Those dreams did include, however, pink, curls and all things girlie. Not the way we'd planned...that's a whole other post...allergic reactions and all. Nonetheless-God knew I needed the unconditional love of a little girl. Just when we were getting into the swing of things our sweet girl arrived.Thankfully, #1 had #2 while I tended to #3. Whew.

All in all I was living my dream.

Fortunately and unfortunately my dreams never included cancer, and me being left to parent #1, #2 and #3 alone. Still has to be my biggest question. Why did God choose me to do this alone. Unlike divorce and other circumstances-I did not choose this way.
My dreams were Shane and I raising these 3 TOGETHER, him retiring at 55 so we could be totally hands-on parents/grandparents. Then I woke up!!!

Now, I'm left with one teenage boy that seems to blame all that's wrong with the world on the one that gave him her all. One that's on the brink of puberty-please God stop time-I want #2 to stay the same. And one little girl that's attached at my hip-which is good and bad.

Right now, today, the one that breaks my heart is #1. I know it's probably being 14, hormones, boy turning into man, father dying, etc. All of that is enough to make me want to melt into a puddle of tears but right now what breaks my heart the most is ...he doesn't like me. I embarrass him, he thinks I'm probably the dumbest person on the planet. We were offered the opportunity to go somewhere as a family-#2 and #3 were good but #1's words were-"if it's with you, then No!" I literally think I saw pieces of my heart crumble to the floor.

Where'd my little boy go? Where'd the little boy go that hated being away from his mom, we were buddies, the one that thought I hung the moon, stars and sunshine?

I think of Shane and how he treated his mom, as we affectionately call Pooh. He gave her that name while he was in high school. They were always close. He was always so affectionate toward her, generous with his hugs to lil Pooh. I remember while dating him feeling a little twinge of jealousy at his affection toward her at a specific breakfast.  We had surprised him by driving to Brewton Parker ( I took off work and everything) to see him play ball. We arrived while the team was eating breakfast-he hugged his mom robustly and gave me a sideways hug, if a hug at all.  Later after raking his fanny over the coals about his lack of affection toward me he reminded me that his coach benched him that game after seeing me there--said I messed up his game, that he couldn't pitch when I was around. Haha! Oh to have that kind of hold on someone---whatever. Anyway-I loved how he treated his mom-I'd always heard the way a man treats his mom is a sign of how he will treat his wife.
That being said-pray for #1's future wife.
Moms of sons-please tell me it's a stage. Please tell me his affection for me will change. I can't tell you the last time I was able to hug him and show him affection. He's bigger than me now so I can't force it on him. After his comment about not wanting to go if it was with me, #2 had chimed in about not wanting to go with me-I heard myself saying out loud..."maybe I should have been the one that died and your dad be the one here." No comment from #1. After I said it I wished I hadn't-but then that's how I felt. #2 immediately said-can I take a friend? He saw my hurt, I know #1 did too but never addressed it. Of course #3 was reminding me of how much she loved me-unconditional love.

This is one of those times I wished if love could bring someone back it would. I need Shane to show my boys how to treat a woman. I need him to show them that it's ok to be affectionate. I need him to show them how he loved me. I need him to show them how a man loves a woman. I need him to show Molly how a woman is to be treated. How she should never settle for anything less. But since love can't bring him back-I'm asking God to help me help them. Equip me God to show them all of these things. God soften the heart of #1-remind him of the depths of his mamas love for him. I think about Jesus and His love for Mary. I want that. I want to know that they love me and appreciate me. Remind him that we are in this together that I am not the enemy. Father, help me teach them the way to love a woman the way Christ loved his church. Help me raise Molly to seek a godly man, one that will set her apart and never settle for less. Father, help me help them. Help me Father, to love these 3 that you gave Shane and I -knowing how it all would turn out, knowing I would be doing this without him. Give me strength, wisdom and direction. Father God, heal our hearts. In Jesus Name. Amen.