Deservingness -is that even a word???

I have recently been thinking about the word deserve so I looked up the real meaning.

Deserve 1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

Over the past months I have used this word over and over, whether it be in conversation, with my kiddos, or in my prayers.  "I'm not sure what I have done to deserve this." "J,S,M I am sorry this has happened to you, you 3 so don't deserve this.""God, whatever it is that I have done to deserve this, I ask your forgiveness, I ask that you make it known to me so that I may come to you and fix it."  The list could go on and on. 

I was having a conversation the other day with someone that has endured a fair share of heartache and hurt and we talked about how we are leery when someone says, "you have been through so much, you deserve so much more"(fill in the blank...happiness, a break, blessings)  Do I deserve more?  I am not sure. I love the verse in the last chapter of Job.  The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. Job 42:12  It does remind me that if I am faithful and obedient then there will be blessings in store for me.  I have heard time and time again that I will be blessed for what I have endured, as well as my children.  Will those blessings be here on earth, or will they be waiting on me in my real Home?  I can't answer that either. As I have just turned 42, I am watching the 2nd half of my life unfold before me.  I was blessed beyond measure the first half, do I deserve more during the 2nd half??  I'm not sure.  I do know that what I have lived through, whether deserving or not, even the ugliness of it all, are all blessings wrapped up just for me.  Had I not endured the pain and suffering over these past months I would have never experienced my Father in the way I have.  I have to say that God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, deserve so much more from me.  My God, the one that knows infinitely what I deserve, deserves so much more from me, in the way of praise, thanksgiving and service.  He is awesome and deserving of so much more than I am sometimes willing to give.   I am thankful that I deserve His comfort, peace, love, patience, understanding, forgiveness,  (I can say deserve in this sentence because I referred back to the definition to where it says to make claim to) I claim all of those, so yes I AM deserving.  I am thankful for whatever He thinks I am deserving of--good or bad.  Because He knows me and knows what I deserve.  Thank you Father for loving me, for constantly carrying me day by day, for knowing what I do deserve here on earth and what lies in store for me in Heaven.  Thank you for loving me even on the days I feel I didn't deserve any of this.  Thank you for knowing what my 3 are deserving of and constantly loving them.  Thank you for so many things happening in my life that I see as blessings (big and small). You are worthy of ALL my praise, in Your Great Name...Amen.