Conversations

I love conversations that make me think. Conversations that make me keep thinking about what was asked or said even a day or so later. The other night I had one of these chats.  I was asked, "What scares you?" My answer was shallow at the time, but later when it was just me, myself and I, i really had a chance to think about that question and my answer to it.

What scares me::: other than the usual--snakes, really bad storms and things that go boom in the night there's some pretty deep stuff that scares me. Here's a few::

Raising these children of mine and not totally messing them up.
Raising them until the time I watch them leave this mamas bird nest. I just read a book and the character was describing how she was a single mom taking her son to leave him at college. How it felt to walk out, leaving him to a new life and knowing that he had been her reason to live and how it felt to walk out of his dorm room...alone. Terrifying.

Terrified of being in control of providing for my 3. Doing the mundane house repairs, car purchases etc. I've got some wonderful people to help out but when it gets right down to it...left to me. Decisions scare me.

I'm terrified of not finding a love like I've had. The kind of love that I never have to question, never have to feel insecure, never feel unloved. A love that totally fills me up.
I'm terrified of never trusting someone else with my WHOLE being. Trust is huge- it's the biggest most important part of love to me. To know that no matter what-no matter how ugly I can be, no matter how big of a B I can be, no matter how unloving I may be that there's a person that will  never leave me. That no matter how many temptations come along-I'm their number one. No matter if things aren't always perfect in all areas that he won't. walk. out. Someone that I can tell my deepest darkest secrets too and I can trust that they will continue to love me anyway.

Not having someone that will stand up for me, even if it means hurting some feelings. Someone that's always got my back. The willingness to sever relationships if that relationship hinders ours.

I'm terrified of dying without finding love just like I've described. Of dying alone.
While I know I'm blessed beyond measure to have my children and family surrounding me no matter what-there's something to be said about another loving  you with unbridled-butterflies in your belly-crazy-mad-wonderful-passionate-faithful love. Seriously, I just want The Notebook kinda of love. Someone that will stick it out even if I don't remember who they are. Someone that would bathe me when I can't bathe myself.

Thankful that I have had something wonderful to measure it all too.  Thankful that there's been a few loves in my life to know what I want and need and can have.

Thankful to recognize that when I read over my list of things that scare me that there is someone that loves me with most of these qualities and can help with my scaredy-catness. He's pretty amazing. Never let's me down. Loves me like no other, even loved me better than Shane. If you don't know Him, I'd love to introduce him.

His name is...Jesus.

However, one thing about having been blessed with some sweet past relationships is knowing what human touch, and affirmations feel like. Maybe a curse or a gift-not sure but tangible love and the lack thereof is another thing that scares me.

Thankful to have been asked this question, to have had time to reflect, to ask for Jesus to continue to be all I need so that I can lay my list of "things I'm scared of" down at the Lover of my soul.

~D

Storms

Another afternoon pool day has been blotted out by dark clouds and thunder. As much as I love the pool and sun I do love me some summertime storms (preferably on the beach balcony and not my perch at the house on the hill) -not real sure if it's the storm itself or the anticipation of the storm. As I sit outside listening to the rumbles and now the storm sirens going off in the distance I get that weird feeling deep inside. You know what I'm talking about. Unsuredness (that a word?) is this gonna be like some before? Is this the one that may threaten one of my 5 oak trees? Will it bring the much needed cleansing rain?  Or is it just going to pass over like most do? Ironic that I have time to thank about all this now, today. This is not a political-get-on-my-high-horse-post but what my post are really for---me and my kiddos. Hopefully, one day we can look back and read some of these posts and remember what the feeling was of that day. Last week my heart was burdened with the Charleston murders. Today, a Supreme Court ruling on same sex marriages. Again, not going political and voicing my views but voicing the feeling of my heart. Right now-at this moment-watching a storm brew I feel like I'm watching a storm brew in a America. My heart aches at the pain, hate, and just an unsettled feeling of the RIGHT NOW. In case you've had you're head in the dirt and hadn't noticed, things are nasty and they are not going to get better anytime soon. Pardon the pun-but the stuff gettin' deep up in here.
-Things are being accepted that are clearly not scriptural.
-People are killing each other because of their skin color and not remembering all of our blood is red. This has been happening for years but today it just seems to  get closer and closer to home with more and more occurrences.
-deaths from crazy diseases.
-deadly flooding
-drugs
...and this is the short list.
While I'm all about tolerance and accepting others that are different-I do stand firmly in my beliefs of Gods Word which also enlightens us all of what the end will entail. Are we there? Are we at the beginning or middle of the end? Is it just moments from when we all are relieved from this? I'm happy to say-"Come Quickly Lord Jesus."
 While the storm brews I can only wring my hands and wonder what I can do. I can take shelter as I do in a real storm, I can lean in to my Heavenly Father, depend and know that He's got this too. He knew of all of this- it's clearly in His Word. He knows.
But as a mama, I'll continue to wring my hands in anxiousness of how much worse it will get and how will it affect my 3. I'm human so doubt creeps in and fear takes hold of my thoughts and this mamas heart frets and worries about her children and her future. Satan likes to remind me that some of my prayers were never answered, and reminds me of storms that don't always turn out so well. However, I have a bigger God that reminds me that I've weathered one of the biggest storms a wife and mom can weather and I will weather these times of uneasiness as well-because He's got this. He's got me. He's got my 3. He told us that this would happen and he promised us goodness after all. So I'm thankful-that as bad as it may get, as far away as our country turns from Him-He will consistently take care of those of us who believe and trust in Him.

As I finish posting this while sitting on my balcony-the sirens and thunder have stopped, the wind has settled and as always....the Son is shining. I'm reminded that today-love did win and will continue to win because...GOD IS LOVE.

"When the dark clouds of doubt, anger or worry begin to move upon you, steady yourself in the knowledge that in time, the storm will pass."~Bryant McGill