Been a while since a blog. I’m truly afraid if I start typing I may never stop. I’ve got lots rolling around in my mind and I almost feel like if I start I won’t stop. Here goes, hang on.
So as a preface if you’re close to me you know I’ve suffered from anxiety for quiet sometime. Yep-I said it. I suffer. Add on a life changing experience 8 years ago and depression was allowed to rear its ugly head. Thankfully
the stigma that goes along with anxiety/depression,and really mental illness in general, has gained attention and the way I see it has become more of the norm than not. Just read a statistic that 1 in 3 people suffer from and medicate for anxiety and depression. I was 1 of those until recently. A few healthissues and i was taken off my med to see if said issue would get better. So I’ve being doing life and the anxiety and depression without the help of my favorite little blue pill. Been easy?? Heck to the no. Seems when your down you just get kicked a bit harder. So life continues to happen and the crap seems to get more real. Sister diagnosed with cancer, kids all seem to graduate from elementary school and high school all at once. Middle kid had concussion that last about 6 months. You get to watch your deceased husbands mom deteriorate daily from the ravages of cancer. Regular everyday life, regular everyday worries. Relationship stuff, reminders that people will constantly let you down. All this plus some unmentionables are just a day in the life of ME!! Yippee!!!! So without meds, unlimited time for prayer and issues that can’t be dealt alone I ran to therapy. Been there before, I don’t judge when others go and find it’s helpful on so many levels. Especially when it’s Christian based and I can talk about Jesus and therapist will center me back on Him.
There! I said it. I deal with anxiety/depression, use to take meds and I see a therapist. It’s all out there. Either I’ve lost you because you now think I’m crazy(ier) or you’re with me cause you “get” me. If you’ve been to therapy you know that it’s helpful in dealing, sorting and looking at different issues. But no matter what’s going on-in therapy it all comes back to YOU! Doesnt matter why you’re there-whether it’s relational, addictions, grief, personality disorders it always always focuses on you. Not your parents, your significant other, your siblings, your dead spouse...but you. What’s going on inside YOUR head, YOUR heart and what’s happening with YOUR emotions, Your Spirit. And what’s going on with You and God. All about YOU. Now some people like for the focus to always be on them. Me? Not so much. It’s hard to have those moments when it’s all turned back to you. When maybe you figure out that sometimes it actually is something you’re thinking that’s causing turmoil, or something YOU did that’s causing hurt. Sometimes therapy will make you turn completely inward and see that you’re not perfect, actually flawed. That’s ok, cause then that’s when healing can start. Fast forward to this weeks session. I was expressing how in a situation I can’t even pray for myself, my prayers are for someone else. When I try to take care of me I immediately want to take care of someone else. Sounds like a great problem. It’s really not. I continually want to take care, protect others even over me. My therapist asked if I’d always been that way. After a long pause and thinking about it- I don’t think so. Realization that maybe this started after “unfathomable hurt” of losing your spouse in therapist words. Therapist explained that the hurt I’ve felt, death of a spouse, is one of the most unexplainable hurts a person can endure. And some of you reading may be like “get over it already, 8 years is long enough.” And I’ll say to that like I find myself saying often...don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes. Grief doesn’t disappear ever. It’s my friend/ enemy until someone grieves for me. As I sat there and had an aha moment of yes, I want to protect those I love fiercely from hurt, pain, to any extent. I want to keep those I love from hurting so much that sometimes I end up hurting myself in the process-not physically but emotionally. I fiercely protect so much that I end up forgetting about myself (ie feeling like I’m wasting prayers on myself so that I may pray for others.) Good therapist asked me to repeat what happened during the “most unfathomable hurt.” I repeated what I’ve said so often through tears...”I experienced the love and peace of Jesus Christ like never before. I’ve longed for that closeness since. If I hadn’t experienced the suffering of losing a spouse, watching him pass from this life to eternity I’d never have experienced the Spirit of the Living God like that.” Life changing. Awkward silence in comfy therapist chair. Then calmly the therapist ask me, “When you try and protect people what are you potentially keeping them from.” Me: “pain.” More silence. Wait for it. Ding ding ding. Me: “Wow, when I try and protect my people from hurt/pain or discomfort im potentially keeping them from experiencing Jesus Christ!” Dang, just dang.
Who am I to want to protect someone I love from that?
Who am I to stand in the way of a potential life changing experience?
Who am I to think I’m even capable of being someone’s savior?
Who am I to hinder the work of Jesus Christ in the lives of people I love?
Who am I to get in the way of something God allows to bring out good?
Who am I to think I can control suffering that God could use to draw someone closer to Him?
Who am I?
I saw it this week. Realized that when “hard stuff” happens my momness, and big love for my people turns into -I got to protect them. I don’t want anyone to hurt like the hurt I’ve endured so if I can protect I will. But in doing so I potentially am taking the work of God unto my own not capable hands. To think I may be hindering someone I love fiercely from experiencing God in His fullness and perfectness brings me to my knees asking God to help me do better in this. Guessing loving big can have its downside. Loving big and fiercely protecting could actually be one of the most hurtful things I could do for those I love. So as I’m awake in the wee early morning blogging I’m asking God to to help me continue to love big, but stand down and let Him be the Protector, the Provider that He promises He is. Help me stand down and watch with love when those I love are hurting because that, that is when those I love may come to experience the Spirit of God like never before. Why, if I love as big as I say, would I ever, ever want to stand in the way of God?
Father God, thank you for aha moments that make me realize You are so much bigger than me, so much bigger than the love I have for others. Thank you for giving me the heart that is capable of loving. Thank you for allowing me to love you so that I may love others.(1 John 4:19) Hard to say but thank you for the hurt that you allow to draw us closer to you. In the hurt Father, is when our dependence on you is greatest and I’m thankful. So help me not to hinder your plans, plans to draw others-those I love so much, my own children, closer to you in suffering. Instead, help me to pray them through it, depending and trusting that your protection is so much better than mine. I’m not capable of being others savior. You’ve already provided us with our Savior. Help me and those I love depend, trust and believe in Your perfect plans always. Help me give grace and mercy to those in need most. Help me be dependent upon you when meds are not available, when times are bleak and my pain is big. Help me to trust in You even in this...
In your Sons sweet name. Amen.
