Been a while since a blog. I’m truly afraid if I start typing I may never stop. I’ve got lots rolling around in my mind and I almost feel like if I start I won’t stop. Here goes, hang on. 

So as a preface if you’re close to me you know I’ve suffered from anxiety for quiet sometime. Yep-I said it. I suffer. Add on a life changing experience 8 years ago and depression was allowed to rear its ugly head. Thankfully

the stigma that goes along with anxiety/depression,and really mental illness in general, has gained attention and the way I see it has become more of the norm than not. Just read a statistic that 1 in 3 people suffer from and medicate for anxiety and depression. I was 1 of those until recently. A few healthissues and i was taken off my med to see if said issue would get better. So I’ve being doing life and the anxiety and depression without the help of my favorite little blue pill. Been easy??  Heck to the no. Seems when your down you just get kicked a bit harder. So life continues to happen and the crap seems to get more real. Sister diagnosed with cancer, kids all seem to graduate from elementary school and high school all at once. Middle kid had concussion that last about 6 months. You get to watch your deceased husbands mom deteriorate daily from the ravages of cancer. Regular everyday life, regular everyday worries. Relationship stuff, reminders that people will constantly let you down. All this plus some unmentionables are just a day in the life of ME!! Yippee!!!! So without meds, unlimited time for prayer and issues that can’t be dealt alone I ran to therapy. Been there before, I don’t judge when others go and find it’s helpful on so many levels. Especially when it’s Christian based and I can talk about Jesus and therapist will center me back on Him. 

There! I said it. I deal with anxiety/depression, use to take meds and I see a therapist. It’s all out there. Either I’ve lost you because you now think I’m crazy(ier) or you’re with me cause you “get” me.  If you’ve been to therapy you know that it’s helpful in dealing, sorting and looking at different issues. But no matter what’s going on-in therapy it all comes back to YOU! Doesnt matter why you’re there-whether it’s relational, addictions, grief, personality disorders it always always focuses on you. Not your parents, your significant other, your siblings, your dead spouse...but you. What’s going on inside YOUR head, YOUR heart and what’s happening with YOUR emotions, Your Spirit. And what’s going on with You and God. All about YOU. Now some people like for the focus to always be on them. Me? Not so much. It’s hard to have those moments when it’s all turned back to you. When maybe you figure out that sometimes it actually is something you’re thinking that’s causing turmoil, or something YOU did that’s causing hurt. Sometimes therapy will make you turn completely inward and see that you’re not perfect, actually flawed. That’s ok, cause then that’s when healing can start. Fast forward to this weeks session. I was expressing how in a situation I can’t even pray for myself, my prayers are for someone else. When I try to take care of me I immediately want to take care of someone else. Sounds like a great problem. It’s really not. I continually want to take care, protect others even over me. My therapist asked if I’d always been that way. After a long pause and thinking about it- I don’t think so. Realization that maybe this started after “unfathomable hurt” of losing your spouse in therapist words. Therapist explained that the hurt I’ve felt, death of a spouse, is one of the most unexplainable hurts a person can endure. And some of you reading may be like “get over it already, 8 years is long enough.” And I’ll say to that like I find myself saying often...don’t judge until you’ve walked in my shoes. Grief doesn’t disappear ever. It’s my friend/ enemy until someone grieves for me. As I sat there and had an aha moment of yes, I want to protect those I love fiercely from hurt, pain, to any extent. I want to keep those I love from hurting so much that sometimes I end up hurting myself in the process-not physically but emotionally. I fiercely protect so much that I end up forgetting about myself (ie feeling like I’m wasting prayers on myself so that I may pray for others.) Good therapist asked me to repeat what happened during the “most unfathomable hurt.” I repeated what I’ve said so often through tears...”I experienced the love and peace of Jesus Christ like never before. I’ve longed for that closeness since. If I hadn’t experienced the suffering of losing a spouse, watching him pass from this life to eternity I’d never have experienced the Spirit of the Living God like that.” Life changing. Awkward silence in comfy therapist chair. Then calmly the therapist ask me, “When you try and protect people what are you potentially keeping them from.” Me: “pain.” More silence. Wait for it. Ding ding ding. Me: “Wow, when I try and protect my people from hurt/pain or discomfort im potentially keeping them from experiencing Jesus Christ!” Dang, just dang. 

Who am I to want to protect someone I love from that? 

Who am I to stand in the way of a potential life changing experience?

Who am I to think I’m even capable of being someone’s savior? 

Who am I to hinder the work of Jesus Christ in the lives of people I love? 

Who am I to get in the way of something God allows to bring out good?

Who am I to think I can control suffering that God could use to draw someone closer to Him? 

Who am I? 

I saw it this week. Realized that when “hard stuff” happens my momness, and big love for my people turns into -I got to protect them. I don’t want anyone to hurt like the hurt I’ve endured so if I can protect I will. But in doing so I potentially am taking the work of God unto my own not capable hands. To think I may be hindering someone I love fiercely from experiencing God in His fullness and perfectness brings me to my knees asking God to help me do better in this. Guessing loving big can have its downside. Loving big and fiercely protecting could actually be one of the most hurtful things I could do for those I love. So as I’m awake in the wee early morning blogging  I’m asking God to to help me continue to love big, but stand down and let Him be the Protector, the Provider that He promises He is. Help me stand down and watch with love when those I love are hurting because that, that is when those I love may come to experience the Spirit of God like never before. Why, if I love as big as I say, would I ever, ever want to stand in the way of God? 

Father God, thank you for aha moments that make me realize You are so much bigger than me, so much bigger than the love I have for others. Thank you for giving me the heart that is capable of loving. Thank you for allowing me to love you so that I may love others.(1 John 4:19) Hard to say but thank you for the hurt that you allow to draw us closer to you. In the hurt Father, is when our dependence on you is greatest and I’m thankful. So help me not to hinder your plans, plans to draw others-those I love so much, my own children, closer to you in suffering. Instead, help me to pray them through it, depending and trusting that your protection is so much better than mine. I’m not capable of being others savior. You’ve already provided us with our Savior. Help me and those I love depend, trust and believe in Your perfect plans always. Help me give grace and mercy to those in need most. Help me be dependent upon you when meds are not available, when times are bleak and my pain is big. Help me to trust in You even in this...

In your Sons sweet name. Amen. 

Recap/reflection 2017/18

My annual year end/New Year blog post.  Lil recap and reflection. I’d have to say 2017 was mediocre at best. Not the worst, not the greatest. No huge changes with the Richardson 4, just making it day by day. 

Jake started his senior year. That in and of itself makes me a very happy mom. He did meet someone super special that he adores and the rest of us do too. She fits in, appreciates our weirdness and I think enjoys being with us. She’s beautiful, smart, and she comes from good people. Couldn’t have picked a better one myself Jake! He’s finishing his high school career exceptionally, with awesome grades and plans to attend GA Highlands since he’s still on the fence of a major. Fine with this mom—one leaving the nest may be too much for me. 😒 Excited about his graduation and have started the planning of a senior trip. He’s overcome and accomplished much and makes me proud. Big year coming up for this one, excited and anxious with and for him.

Sam started his freshman year. For 2017 he grew and grew and grew. He now looks down at me too. He’s a super student, his determination and organization amazes me. Didn’t get it from me. I see him stepping into his dads shoes with business sense and drive. He’s ending 2017 with a concussion from basketball. Been pretty bummed to not be playing his favorite sport. He’s finally on the mends and makes me laugh on the reg. He gets his learners in February. Help me now!!  Proud of this one.

Molly. Sweet Molls. She’s in the midst of finishing out her elementary school years. As God would have it, He took care of things and landed her in an awesome teachers class. She adores her and wants to be like her. I’ve actually joked and said I think they may be one in the same person. 😊 Heading to middle school in 2018. Oh. My. Word. NO!!!!! With this year I’ve seen many changes in her. She’s slowly becoming more independent, more confident in who she is. Got to see a brave side of her -a stent in the ER and she amazed this mama with her braveness facing needles and test. Her heart continues to amaze me, and her smile continues to get me through many days. Her sass and ‘tude takes me back to 11 years old. I’m proud of her. Little by little she’s growing up.   

Me. Like I said a mediocre year. Maybe that’s the wrong word but it wasn’t the best or the worst. I guess a year that you overcome hurdles and deal with life issues is more than mediocre-I guess it’s more fantastic. Mediocre doesn’t mean I haven’t recognized and appreciate all my blessings. Lord, I’m blessed. Everyday I get to wake up in a house that’s mine, with kids that are mine and I have people that are mine that love me and I love them. I get to wake up everyday with the breathtaking assurance that I am HIS.  I laugh uncontrollably some days with people I interact with daily, I laugh at myself more than not and my kids and I-boy do we laugh together. There’s not much more you can ask for than to just be comfortable with the ones you love. Nothing more satisfying in being comfortable with who you are. Nothing more sure in knowing Who has my days. 

I guess the mediocrity comes with the fact that my oldest sis was delivered the stinking cancer diagnosis, knowing she already had financial issues, with 2 kids in their teens. Watching her endure chemo would actually be less than mediocre. Down right hard. Mediocrity comes with watching someone endure months of limbo of a decision to be made by someone else, that could change lives. Mediocrity comes from days that are just days of getting up, doing life and not appreciating where I’m at. Mediocrity is looking too far ahead into things and becoming disappointed because I haven’t lived in the moments enough. Mediocrity is not trusting God enough when I know He is more than what I should ever need. Mediocrity is knowing there is so much more than just this...

But maybe, just maybe, a mediocre year is ok. Maybe mediocre keeps me humble and desiring more. Desiring more from others, from life, from God. Maybe that word will drive me to more for the New Year. Prayerfully knowing that more time with God is so much more than mediocre, living in the moment instead of looking too far ahead will make the mediocre more joyful and enjoyable. I can attest-moments are fleeting, watching my 3 get older-so fast. Thinking about my lil grandmom turning 98 in November, and now is being made comfortable with hospice, after a fall,  makes me wonder what she’s thought about in these slower years. Makes me wonder what moments she wished she’d stayed in just a bit longer. Makes you wonder who’d she choose to spend more time with if she could, what she would cut out of her life to make it better and if there were times she’d stopped looking to the future and just stayed in the moment. 

Maybe mediocre is good but maybe there’s more than just mediocrity and maybe it’s in the moments before us and not in the future. So here’s to a mediocre 2017 -the love that was felt and shown, may 2018 be much of the same but with so much celebration of right decisions, cancer cures, graduations, driving, growing, becoming. May we all just stay in the mediocre moments and big moments a bit longer, hold the ones we love a tad tighter and longer, knowing that this New Year will be over quickly too. God Bless and Happy New Year to you and yours. ~D