Ahhhhhh week before Christmas. I promise myself every year that things will be different the next. Less buying, less busyness and enjoy the Prince of Peace's birthday. So ironic that celebrating the Prince of Peace totally stresses me out. Shouldn't be this way, but the world gets all over me and I can't stand it. One year I will man up and do things the way they were meant to be. Anyway, being a single mom, Christmas shopping is a bit of a challenge. So I depend on the kindness of my mom and friends to watch the kids while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off to get things done. So last night I ran the kids to my mom's to do grocery shopping and other "stuff." To go to my mom's I have to pass the cemetery, so on my way back to Wal-mart I glanced up to see Shane's cross glowing at the top of the hill as I usually do. Last night when I looked up at it, a flood of questions came all over me in a matter of seconds. Questions that came out of nowhere, questions I haven't asked myself before. The first one that popped up was 'DeAnn, do you really deserve to be happy?' then, 'DeAnn, do you really deserve to be happy this soon after Shane's passing?' and 'are you really sure you are ready to give your heart away again, something may happen.' So, I know how Satan works and knew from the get go that this had his signature all over it. He makes me question things that shouldn't be questioned, he stresses me out the week I should be at complete and total peace, and makes me question my questions. (Does that make sense?)
I had a conversation with a friend at the AT&T store the other day and we were discussing our lives, her mom has recently passed from cancer and she said, "DeAnn, I'm not sure about you, but I find myself running from cancer, its everywhere." I agreed and told her I fight with guilt about not being a better friend to a friend that is smack dab in the middle of her battle. Its sometimes unbearable to go "back." No excuse and something I am dealing with. During our conversation I was telling her about some things that have transpired in my life that has made me really happy. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was for me. I, in turn, said, "But you know, I am fearful to let myself be happy, seems I am always waiting for the ball to drop." She agreed and said, "When you have been through what we have lived through its hard to be happy without being a little scared." Hence the title of this blog...waiting on the ball to drop. For the most part I have found extreme happiness, but there is always Satan tapping me on the shoulder reminding me that happiness comes with a price. Never sure what that price is. A while ago I questioned whether or not I would ever be brave enough to love again. I decided with that question that it wasn't the fear of loving again but the fear of NEVER loving again and the fear of losing again. I also remember someone saying that to find love again is the best compliment you could ever give to the one you have lost. With that, I decided I would trust God with all of the details and He would work it out knowing His plans for me is for the good of me.
Getting back to my questions the other night...I am not sure I deserve to be this happy, nor am I sure to be this happy so soon after Shane's passing. I asked myself in the quietness of the car, do any of us really deserve to be happy? is there a timeline for happiness after death? is there a timeline for grief. I had to think about what Shane would think if he could see me now, (not sure how aware those living in eternity are of us or if they really care), would he be like, "Whoa, she found happiness pretty fast, wanted her too, but not so sure I wanted her too quiet so fast." or "You go girl, live life to its fullness, never take one second for granted, love again, love with the depth and strength that God taught you and use that love that got you through my death, allow God to guide you day by day, and by all means be happy and BTW I prayed for that one." For those of you that knew Shane-the latter sounds just like something he would say. Oh wait, as a matter of fact, he pretty much told me these things when he knew he would be leaving. Satan may make me question and others may question, but I know in my heart that happiness is for me right now, deserving or not. For reasons I am still trying to figure out myself I see how God is orchestrating pure joy in my life. The happiness I am finding is from Him, I continue to find peace and comfort from Him. I've discovered a love for my Savior that I never knew I had. I have discovered that I'm so in love with Him therefore allowing me to be as happy as I am. I also know that God has allowed a wonderful man to enter my life at this time and I shouldn't question the happiness he brings or whether I am deserving or not of him or of loving again. I like where I am at right now, except for the Christmas stress. So Satan, drop the ball, its in my court now...and I choose happiness.
Since life is crazy right now I'd like to wish all of you a very Merry, Blessed-beyond-words- Christmas. Try and remember, amongst the craziness of the preparations, that we are celebrating the Prince of Peace, not the prince of craziness, not the prince of presents, or parties but the Prince. of. Peace. So from me to you on Christmas, I would like to leave you with this song for your listening pleasure. Turn my play list off and enjoy this one. Merriest of Christmases. I love you Jesus and thank you for the lessons learned from loving you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRTLrTylMrE
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
