Grief---the every day, smack dab in the middle of life kind.

Grief-is defined as a deep poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement. Cause of such suffering; an unfortunate outcome. 

When I started this blog a few years ago it was going to be about the ins and outs of grief.  The process of moving through grief and the different stages.  Needless to say, I am still learning about this process and the stages of grief.  I assumed that losing a spouse would be the most significant kind of grief.  I still believe that.  I started "grieving" long before Shane ever passed. I've said before that I started grieving our lives as we knew it before chemo, pain meds, catheters, puke buckets, doctors visits, needle sticks, hospital stays, bad news after bad news.  I grieved a man that was full of life and desired to be a part of every aspect of his kids lives.  I still grieve that.  The difference was I had him to grieve all of that with.  He grieved with me.  We were smack dab in the middle of the crappiest part of our lives...but he was with me to do so.  I guess that may be the hardest part of this whole grief process, having someone to go through it with me, that truly understands.  Yes, I have my 3.  They, as children, grieve differently than I.   They are responsible for their own grief, but me, I feel responsible for mine and for theirs.  I try to guide them the best way I know how to deal with it.  I admit, holidays are hardest.  Starting in November we grieve more because of Shane's birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I told a fellow widow the other day that I would have rather not decorated this year but with the kids, I needed too.  I explained to her that this year while unpacking the decorations it felt like I was unpacking one. memory. at. a. time.  Each ornament placed on the tree was an ornament that has some significance to our lives together or now our life without him.  As Miss M would bring home a homemade piece of artwork, ornament, poem how I thought about the desire to share it with her daddy.  Yes, 4 years later the grief is still raw, comes in waves, and you just never know when it will bring you to your knees, stop you in your tracks. I dread taking the decorations down.  Always have.  Always seems I am packing away such a happy time of year, getting ready for a new year.  This year I dread it even more.  As I unpacked one. memory. at. a. time. I will be packing them back up into bins for yet another year.  Ebbs and flows. 

For some reason I was thinking about how I have always hated the "new year." I blogged about it either before Shane passed or after, time runs together.  I've always fought depression at this time of year.  All the anticipation of Christmas- the love, joy, hope, family time, different routines, slowing down and especially the anticipation of Jesus.  Then the 26th comes and its back to normal, pack up the joy, hope, anticipation and the "new year' smacks me in the face.  I HATE change.  I even hate changing the date from 2013 to 2014 on checks, etc.  Hate it.  Always have, always will.  I find myself dreading the changes that come with a 'new year'- one more year closer to my kids growing up and away from me, a year of me getting older, a year of changes-good or bad.  I was thinking that in a way I have always been in a state of perpetual grief. Grieving change even as a youngster.  This past year I have grieved changes with my children, one growing into a man, one heading into puberty and my youngest going off to "big" school. I grieve each and every day she gets out of the car with tears in her eyes. I grieve the fact that she has now lived longer without her daddy than with him.  Each passing year takes memories a little further away, a little more distant.   I've grieved a new relationship coming to an end and with it relationships with a wonderful family, and the wonder of if I will ever be loved again.   I've grieved with others as they watch their marriages disintegrate. I've grieved the fact the babies in my preschool class are walking, giving up bottles, growing up.  Silly, I know, but I grieve these things.  I grieve for neighbors that spent Christmas in the hospital with their son, after what was suppose to be a surgery to help him but has changed him, even if for a while. I grieve for an old friend that has just received the news that there is nothing more they can do for her husbands cancer.   I grieve the fact that there is a tiny girl just beginning her battle with cancer.  I grieve for an acquaintance that has recently lost her husband, which was also her only family. Know it all sounds gloom and doom, and some days it feels that way.  Most days, however, the grief turns to joy. Somehow.  Somehow, the grief of the every day, the grief of the smack dab in the middle of life turns to joy.  The fact that I am able to watch the changes in my children-their growth, their tears, the changes they face brings me joy most days.  The fact the we even HAVE memories of Shane to share in the middle of every day.  The fact that Miss M had just a little time with him.  I find joy that for a short time I found joy in a relationship.  I found joy that God let me know that my heart was not in such disrepair that I couldn't feel love for someone.  That my heart is big enough to allow others in.  I find joy in knowing that I can talk to those who are hurting and let them know...I know how they feel.  I find joy in seeing a mom's faith play out while she watches her son work so hard at rehab to become himself again.  I find joy in knowing that a tiny girl will beat cancer and live to tell about it. I find joy in knowing that God allowed me to endure the past few years so that I can surely help my old friend facing the same that I've been through.  And joy that her husband knows exactly where he is going and finds joy in that.  I find joy that the acquaintance that recently lost her husband has reached out to me because she knows I can relate. Joy through grief.  It can happen.  I'm proof.  Yep, some days you can see me and I may be full of gloom, doom and yuck.  But most days you will find me smiling through it.  We all grieve. Some have big reasons to be in the process.  Some, like me, pre-cancer, pre-death of spouse, grieve the every day, smack dab in the middle of life stuff.  Some are grieving the big stuff, death, divorce, sickness, but we all do grieve.  Question is-- what we do with the grief. Do wallow, drown in it? Feel sorry for ourselves, feel helpless? Or do we pull ourselves up with the help of others and God?  Thankfully, I choose the latter- I grieve with the help of others and God. I pray that JOY helps you grieve even in the big and small stuff.  As you reflect on the past year and the upcoming year I hope you chose JOY in the every day, smack dab in the middle of life kind. Happy New Year!!
  " The Joy of the Lord is my Strength"(Neh 8:10)-- through my grief.

Thankful for...

Thanksgiving 2009. Didn't seem to have much to be thankful for. Just a few weeks before a large mass showed up in Shane's left lung. We didn't yet have a clear diagnosis, we knew it was cancer of some sort but were not clear on treatments, prognosis the like. We moved through the motions of day to day life, as much as a family can, knowing things were not near as perfect as they once were. We continued to do "Thanksgiving" and found comfort in being with those that loved us the most. Thankfully, my mom (Mimi) wanted a "thankful" tree. We cut leaves out of construction paper and asked those there to write what we were thankful for. The kids had sweet things like-macaroni, sleepovers, God and family. The adults had things a little more meaningful...family, salvation, time together. I remember reading what Shane wrote-he required the BIGGEST leaf, we all joked that he wrote a book. I remember then being touched beyond words but time has away of erasing meaningful times. Fast forward to today, the day before Thanksgiving 2013. My mom brought out the thankful turkey we did in about 2006, with out thankful's written on the turkeys wings stuck strategically in a pinecone and then the thankful leaves from 2009 were on her kitchen table. I was flipping through them wanting to read what I wrote-found it. It was something like-thankful for God, thankful for the suffering we are experiencing thankful because I was feeling the presence of God like never before. Reminded me of my feelings then and how I truly was thankful for the suffering never really knowing where the suffering would take me. Never knowing the outcome, knowing in November of 2009 there was still hope. 

Then I spotted Shane's oversized leaf. I was sitting with my mom and a friend from church around her kitchen table and read it aloud. 

I just had told a fellow griever that this year was a year I didn't really feel like being Merry and Bright-how I wished I could close my eyes and wake up and the holidays be over. Then I read the leaf. A leaf that was a love letter of sorts 4 years later to my children and me. A reminder of what I was thankful for then and what I am thankful for now. I was blessed and still consider myself beyond blessed to be loved by Shane. He taught me much. He loved me much. That- I am thankful for. I have it written on a thankful leaf. A love story written by a dying man on construction paper. I am thankful for love letters, reminders, and written notes I can share with my 3.

If if you can't read it from the picture this is what it says::

Thankful for: 

My children as they are beautiful in all ways and allow De and I to understand the Father/child relationship,with God.

Thankful for the Body of Christ as they have shown me mercy, love, compassion and faith.

Lastly I am thankful for my cancer. It has shown me what really is important. It has shown me the love of my family and friends. But most of all it has shown me just how much in love I am with my wife. And how special the relationship with Jesus Christ is.

Angels Among Us

Pardon any errors- this is being typed on my phone

Don't you just love how God will confirm something? I sure do! Example---I've often thought a person in my life may just be an angel. I've known her for a bigger part of my life. I met her when I was dating my high school boyfriend~sigh.  She worked with and was good friends with his mom. We spent time together at the lake, going to watch him play football etc. She probably thought I was just a love struck silly teenager---I was. Anyhoo-he ended up breaking my young heart into a million and one pieces-cause that's what first loves do. She and I lost touch until a few years later. While I was attending tech school I started working for her sister as her shampooer, is that a word?? My sister also worked here. That was probably my most favorite job ever-I was working for the real live Truvie from Steele Magnolias.  It was hard work but you got to know and love most of the clients cause of processing times etc. This particular angel in question would come on our late nights and we would talk, catch up on life. We all always had a great time and even though it was for a short time I learned lots from these ladies and their experiences and our times together. Seriously-there were times when I felt I was living out a scene in Steel Magnolias--best summer job EVER.  My hands didn't like the job so much, so it was a short run. Luckily, since my sister worked there I would still run into this angel in disguise. Years later I became neighbors with her niece which has been a longtime friend of mine. Small world, same circles. Needless to say she's known my story, watched it play out and has been one of the ones that has kept me covered in prayer. She is one of those that during the darkest times a note of encouragement would arrive, a book was sent that I still pick up for encouragement. As years pass we communicate through Facebook, through our small circle of friends, sisters, nieces. She's just one of those, for lack of a better word, neat people. Always smiling, the perfect sense of humor and the right words always. She's continued to be one of my biggest encouragers, reads my blogs and nonsense on Facebook. It was not a surprise to see her pop up on my Facebook messages. But what I read was a surprise. She had sent me a link for an opportunity of a lifetime. Something I would have never dreamed of being able to do. She told me she thought I needed to look into it and she would help me anyway she could. She even offered to keep my 3 crazy kids for me to be able too. This opportunity would allow me to spend a weekend with one of my favorite authors, speaker, God-loving funny ladies, she is a favorite Women of Faith speaker. My first experience with Women of Faith mesmerized me and this lady was part of that. I laughed, I cried, and fell in love with Jesus all over again that weekend. This opportunity is for those that need to be encouraged to use what they have-for either writing, speaking, teaching, ministering. All things I am extremely interested in. Its a weekend at her home, doing what ladies do- chatting, eating, chatting, shopping, eating and the best part-talking about Jesus and what we can do for Him. I clicked on the link while the house was quiet, imagine that-a quiet house-one of the perks of school. She had a video explaining the title of the session. There it was---about the third clip--BAM--God spoke to me through her. She said something like, "God wants to use you right where you are, not later, not when you have time, not when things are better but right now." Tears filled my eyes-that's what I needed to push myself to go. As some of my bible study sisters know one of the things I struggle with is being stagnant. I say stagnant because I feel like I'm stuck. Stuck between wanting to use what I've learned, lived and been given and stuck knowing time is precious with growing children, do people care what I have to say, and would I fail? I've been told I would know when the time is to use what I've learned and His time would be perfect. So as I wait on Him for opportunities, for Him to equip me for whatever it is He wants of me I will be proactive and visit this wise funny lady for encouragement for when the time is right. Plus I get to do my favorite things with one of my favorite people. Excited!!
Back to my angel in question. I messaged her back and told her I had paid my deposit but the next session and the next session were all booked so I would have to wait until the second session of 2014.  Which is fine with me-gives me something long range to look forward too. She told me that she was glad I registered and that she would leave some money to help out when she went to see her niece the next day. Of course I said thanks but no thanks I could take care of it. Fast forward to this afternoon when her niece/my friend brought over an envelope. After I came in I sat down to open it. Yep, you guessed it-she sent me money anyway. More than enough to cover the weekend expenses. I read the card. She describes being nudged by God and how she needed to act on it and that she was upset that she ignored the nudge the first time or I would be going to the session that will be held in November She wrote that I too needed to pay attention to this nudge. As I held the money and the card the tears started and the kids didn't know what to think. I was able to tell them how sometimes blessings show up in the oddest of ways. I told them what the money was for and they could not believe someone would be so generous. I couldn't believe it either. See? I knew she was an angel long ago. She just has that way about her, I knew it even as a silly teenager. Lesson for everyone-you never know how god will use those we meet, years from now, tomorrow, today. I can't wait to see where this all ends up. But for now I'm able to fall asleep tonight that there are sweet angels that walk among us and sometimes it's someone you've known for a really long time. You just never know. I'm thankful for her heart, her acting on nudges from her Father. I have a feeling this is gonna be a life changer. I can't wait to sit on this ladies porch, soak up her wisdom and then come home and share it all with my confirmed angel. Thank you again-means the word

Some Things I've Learned...

If there is one blog post that I hope you take the time to read of mine, or time to share with a friend -this may be just the one. I was asked not too long ago if I had given any consideration on speaking on the business side of things I have learned in the midst of losing a spouse. I’ve thought about it and if I am any kind of friend at all to those who read this blog I should share some of the things I have learned during the battle of cancer, the death of Shane and the aftermath. Some will be touchy, some will be personal, but all things I share are very important. So here is my list in random order, pretty much listed as they come to mind.

1. This one may just be the MOST important. I learned this at an early age, but didn’t truly live it… Have a TRUE relationship with Jesus Christ. By relationship, I mean, not just a church-going, sometimes praying, sometimes reading the bible relationship. I’m talking about total dependence on God. I still struggle with this daily, the total dependence thing, I continue to want to take my life by the reins and do it my way. At the time of all this- there was no inner strength but only the strength given to me by my God. Thankful I had a relationship with Him and knew He was the only way. I’ve shared before how I was convicted just a month before Shane’s diagnosis, by a Francis Chan book. He asked the reader to think of why you had never asked the Holy Spirit to dwell inside of you, why you had not if you haven’t. I found my notes after Shane’s diagnosis and the one that stood out that I had written was that I was scared of where the Holy Spirit may test me. Even though I was scared at that moment of conviction I did ask the Holy Spirit to truly dwell inside of me. I thank my Father for that day of conviction because I would have never had strength on my own to endure the next few months or the past 3.5 years. So friends---get that relationship straight and right with God, not tomorrow, but now. I love this… When you are a Christian it’s not IF bad things will happen but WHEN. If you’re not a Christian- God help you, I can’t imagine going through what we endured without the love, promises, peace, strength and comfort of my Heavenly Father.

2. Never take one single day for granted with the ones you love. Make every single day count even in the small things. Make sure you tell those you love you love them and make sure you show them in endless ways. The way you speak to them, the way you treat them, the way you look at them. Time passes fast. Make everyday count. You are never promised tomorrow so make every day as if it were your last. Thankfully, Shane and I had a short period of time when we knew what was inevitable so we were able to tell each other things that we knew each needed to hear. Thankful for that time, but so wished there had been more time to share…to this day I would love to tell him some things I didn’t get too. I know so many that have lost a loved one tragically, when they left that morning thinking their loved one would return home as usual, and they didn’t. MAKE EVERY DAY COUNT.

3. LIFE INSURANCE. Thankfully Shane was a smart man and had purchased life insurance. There is never enough life insurance. If your spouse is just covered by their employers---buy more. The premiums stink but the advantages are countless. I’ve had my financial advisor tell me that I would not believe the amount of people that don’t purchase life insurance; they think they will never need it. Some very smart business people in our town think they will not need it and it’s a waste of money. WHAT?? Ummmm, last I checked we all are going to die sometime. Be prepared. If you love your family, then take measures to make sure they will be taken care of when/if you have to leave. Hard to put a dollar amount on a person’s life but thankfully Shane loved us to pay those premiums and insure that we are somewhat taken care of.

4. Never think you will not wind up in the ‘system.’ By that I mean, Social Security, food stamps, government insurance for kids. I will never forget sitting in the Social Security office looking around thinking “what am I doing here?” just a few short weeks after Shane passed. Realizing how many times I had looked down on those in the “system.” There I was. Thankfully, there is such a thing (SSI) that helps me with monthly expenses with the kids. I’m also in the process of applying for government funded insurance for the kids. Insurance premiums for our health insurance are through the roof. If it’s there, and we are eligible why not?? As much as I hate waiting on that monthly check from the government…I am one of those waiting on that check.

5. Know your spouse’s business. When I say that I mean more ways than one. If you just know how much their income is, you don’t know enough. You need to be aware of EVERYTHING. Income, benefits, insurance, legal matters. Ask questions, have things in writing.

6. Chose an attorney you trust and get a Will…TODAY is not soon enough. Thank goodness Shane and I implemented a Will when Jake was a baby. I talk to so many that don’t have one. WHAT???? Again, if you love your family what better way to show them by taking care of them when you are not here and able to tell them what they expect. In this Will make sure you name someone that you love, trust and that they feel the same about you and your children. Chose someone that will raise your children as you would if God forbid something were to happen. Make sure they know they are being named and agree to do just that…love your children and raise them as you would. Tell those you choose important information- attorneys name, safe deposit box information, bank accounts, etc. Make sure you have a l living will as well. Don’t make your spouse make a decision like that. Sit down and talk about what is expected if the unthinkable should happen. Don’t let the lack of preparedness make you live in question of making a decision on your own when your spouse can’t communicate what they want.

7. Surround yourself with people you can trust. Thankfully Shane was thoughtful and smart enough to ask a dear brilliant friend to watch over matters with me. When he knew what may happen he set up several meetings with her. She is business savvy and he knew she would explain things to me in layman’s terms would guide me lovingly and help me with matters that I was not familiar with. I still depend on her 3 years later and I would not have made it without her. Those first few months when the world seemed to be spinning out of control she kept me grounded, made sure she reminded me of what needed to be taken care of. What banks to call, what accounts to close etc. Shane had shared with her what he expected. He knew if he told me that I would be way overwhelmed so he told her and she guided me. What a tremendous help!!!! Just another way he showed me how much he loved me even after he was gone. He knew Gina McD would take care of me and so he entrusted her with business matters. Have someone in your life that can do that for you.

8. Make sure you are co-owner of accounts. 3 years later I just went round and round with the credit card company about this. I had a question on a charge on the credit card that Shane and I had both used since 2003. They proceeded to tell me that I was just an authorized user. Even though I had continued to use this card for 3 years, charging and paying off balances and always in good standing – they couldn’t tell me about a charge?? No, they needed to speak to the primary owner, Mr. Richardson. What What?? Yep, when we opened the account, Shane not thinking in a few short years he would no longer be here just had me on the account as an authorized user. Good in some ways-I could not be held responsible for any unpaid balances etc. However, even though I was the only user for 3 years post his death I lost all credit for paying off balances and being in good standing. Stinks. Anyway, if you and your husband have a credit card together, be a co-owner, not an authorized user.

9. Have a support system. Can’t say enough about this one. Thankfully, most of my family leaves here. Don’t know what I’d do without them. Even though I have become more independent I still need them. Especially on those nights when mama’s puking, passing out in the middle of the night and my 3 are clueless on what to do. I continually call on them to help transport children when I can’t be 2 places at once. I can call them when I’m just having a terrible, horrible, really bad day. Always have someone you can call on…even in the middle of the night. This also includes KNOW your neighbors. They are always willing to help, if you don’t know them how are you going to call them when you may need them. Hence…when there’s a huge wasp nest that needs to be sprayed at 10pm. When you think there is a possum in your garage, etc. The list is endless. Know your neighbors and have a good relationship with them.

10. Install an alarm system if you don’t have one. We had one installed years before Shane passed, but didn’t use it too much when he was here. Now, it makes me and my 3 feel safe at night, just that little extra security makes for a better night’s sleep for all of us.



11. Trust NO ONE---- when it comes to money. All I’m going to say about that.

12. Learn how to do things on your own. I have to admit I was spoiled. I would call on Shane for everything. I remember calling him home from work just to kill 2 wasps when we first moved into the house we are in. He came when I called but now it’s up to me. I have learned to check oil, change air filters, fix garbage disposals, fix slow toilets, change garage door lights, put up Christmas tree, kill spiders, unclog drains. The list goes on. I still call on my dad for many things but proud to say I’m learning. Learn them now before you have to.

13. Go to the doctor. Get your boobies, ovaries, blood, head, eyes, teeth- everything checked. Keep everything checked out and running. What good are you if you are not in tip top shape?

14. Give it up!!! Yep, I said it. When they want it, give it to them because one day they may not be around. The less I say the better off I’ll be. Just do it!!!!!

15. Put your husband first. Oh my, how I wished Id listened when people would tell me that. Instead, I was like-Oh, he’ll be around when the kids are not. Well, he’s not. How I wished I could do some things over. Thankfully, he was like me and loved being with the kids as much as me, so we both were guilty- we put them before each other. We did do occasional date nights, but not near enough. Again, why put off till tomorrow what you can do today. Refer to #14!!!!! Guys-thank me later.

16. Take photos, videos like you never have. These things are priceless when memories grow dim. How we love to pull out those videos just to hear his voice and see his smile. Technology is awesome, so use it.

17. If you are in financial debt…GET OUT now. Thankfully my accountant husband always lived way below his means. When others our age were buying houses 10 X the size they needed we kept our modest one, when people were trading cars like baseball cards we drove ours for a while. Thankfully, we were both pretty frugal and I’m so thankful for that. No debt, no worries.

18. Have everything in writing….everything. Again, Shane and I had time to make plans for things others never dream about talking about. Luckily, he was able to tell me what he wanted for burial etc. He told me what he expected for his service, we picked out his casket, he asked to be buried in a certain place, etc. He told me who he wanted as pallbearers, who he wanted to speak at his service and what he wanted to be said. Do it together now, so you don’t have to do that alone. Can’t imagine having to do that without him. Never thought we would have had to have that conversation but we did. Last I checked one day you will too. Do it together and write it all down.

19. Make sure where your spouse is spiritually. If your spouse is not a Christian….work hard on that-never stop praying about it and seeking wisdom from God on how to open up those conversations. One of the ways I get through each day is the fact that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will see Shane again. If you love your spouse make sure they know Christ-if not their last breath will be the last you see of them. Same for kids. Start praying for their salvation today. What a tragedy if you don’t get to see your children again in eternity. Same for other loved ones, friends. You can’t save them but you can show them how Jesus can.

20. Do what you love, love what you do. I’ve already starting telling my 3 this motto. IF you love what you do, like Shane did, then it’s never a job, it’s always a joy. Luckily, I get to do what I love, and I now love what I do. Children, love em.

21. I’ve been known to say these horrible words, “Sounds like someone needs some cancer in their lives so they know what real worry is.” I know it’s horrible but when I hear people worrying about petty things- it literally crawls up under my skin and sucks me dry. Seriously, the things I hear people worry about and things that take up space in their minds and mouth really irks me. Sadly, it’s mostly moms with way too much time on their hands. I say that comment because, seriously, once you are faced with dealing with cancer on a daily basis those petty things are well, just petty. GIVE me a break. Try worrying about how many times your husband is going to puke in 1 hour. Try worrying about what the next scan is going to show, try worrying about how many days you may have left with him. There is a poem about what cancer cannot do, well I am here to tell you…Cancer can---put things in to perspective and cancer can make the things of this world petty. So while I hate the disease and what it has done to me and my kids—I am thankful that it has given me a new perspective on things in life. Are the things you are griping and complaining about REALLY that important?? Place yourself in the shoes of people dealing with deadly diseases---cause it can happen to you too.

22. Make sure your couple friends are just that…friends. I just texted a thank you to a dear friend just the other day telling her how I have never told her how I appreciated her and her husband’s continued friendship. I told her that death, like divorce, causes friendships to fade away. Once one part of the couple is gone friendships just disappear. Maybe it’s the awkwardness, the void, who knows. Even though the other half of the couple is not here doesn’t mean the one left is any different. If you are a friend to one dealing with death or divorce, be a friend even if the other half of the couple is not around. Don’t make the person grieve lost friendships too. This couple, true friends, have continued to include me and my 3. Even though it’s lopsided, they still invite us over, and seem to enjoy our company even though part of us is gone. IF they are truly friends, it won’t matter that part of the couple is missing. Choose your friends wisely.

23. NEVER think it won’t happen to you. Death, divorce, sickness, financial ruin---it’s an equal opportunity employer. These things don’t care how much money you make, what house you live in, what country club you belong too, where your kids go to school, where you go to church, who you are. Satan is out to kill, steal and destroy---- he is just waiting to destroy you too. I never dreamed my husband of 15 years would die in 5 short months of an unknown cancer, I never dreamed I would be a 44 year old widow and my children would grow up fatherless, not even in my worst nightmares did I dream this. Here I am!!! So I share these 23 things I’ve learned, there is sooooo much more I could share, and I may, but for now hope this helps and hope some of these are added to your to-do list. Don’t wait-thankful that God allowed me and Shane time to do some of these together but I have fellow widows and widowers, divorced friends that I think would tell you they didn’t have the time to prepare. So do it today, there is no time like the present.

Please share this with any and all. I hope my experience will help someone, anyone. Hoping God allowed me to go through this so that I may help someone find Him be prepared. Hope what I have learned is not in vain, but can be used.

Filling the Gaps

Filling the Gaps
Ever feel like your heart is in 1 million pieces?? I can't really describe it-just a feeling of discontent, confusion, aggravation, longing. There's just lots of things around me that are making me feel this way. Can't put my finger on just what it is. There's just "stuff." Stuff like---seems every day someone else I know and care for is being told they are about to start the battle of their life with cancer. For the last few months seems as if someone I know, not just distantly, has been diagnosed with this disease. Living through some of that battle-my heart breaks into some of those million pieces. One of these that has been given the diagnosis is one of my mom's oldest friends, not in age but in years. This lady was the one my mom depended on as a young mother to keep me when needed. She was probably the only one I would stay with--I was a little attached to my mom. I haven't seen her in years but when my mom told me about her recent diagnosis-my heart sank. Needless to say-on a recent trip to wal-mart who did I run in too-but her. Molly, as usual, had to check out the bathroom and when we were walking out we literally ran right into her. We started talking and of course the talk included her diagnosis and her surgery she would be having the next day. She seemed strong and ready to face it head on. Ironically, even with our age differences we have something in common...we are both widows. I asked her if she had someone to go with her to her surgery and she told me ALL of her kids were going. Love it. We both agreed, however, that going through something like this without the one you love--sure stinks. She reminded me that her beloved had been gone 23 years---23 years??? And she still had the sparkle in her eye for him.
Later, when I had time to think about our conversation I couldn't get the fact that 23 years had gone by. She, too, has 3 children, and those children, 23 years later were filling in the gap for their daddy. I pray that my 3 will continue to fill in the gap for Shane-even 23 years from now. Even in knowing her children surrounded her- a few days later, when the bandages are gone, her stamina is back-she will again, crawl in bed alone-with only her memories of him. She doesn't have him to tell her thoughts to, if she's scared, if shes in pain, those intimate conversations you have late at night, and she doesn't have him to wake up to in the morning. As much as family fills in the gaps there are some gaps that just can't be filled. But...as I was talking to my mom about her dear forever friend-mom told me that in talking about the diagnosis, and her upcoming surgery she shared with my mom that she had the "Good Lord" on her side. He fills the gaps, even the ones our family can not fill and even the ones that our beloved can not fill.
I'm still in the place of trying, desiring and praying for God to be all I need. To know that even 23 years from now-should I still go to bed and awake alone that He is all I will ever need. I read a woman's post on a "widow" support group just yesterday of how it was the 2 year mark that her husband had been gone and how she wasn't ready for a relationship, when and if she would be-but how she desired one thing---human touch. That may be the hardest thing of all-just having your love to hold you and remind you that things would be ok. Even during Shane's weakest moments when he struggled to even speak-his reassuring touch could propel me through for just a few more hours-reminding me that we/I could do this. But that was when he was still here. Its truly amazing how just a touch from someone you love can be such reassurance. That may just be the hardest-the lack of human contact. When I know that God is and will be enough for me-I still miss the reassuring touch or hug. Don't get me wrong-I get plenty from 2 of my 3 children, one is just way too cool to even think about touching me-he cringes at the thought:)---but there's just something about the touch of the one you love.
For those of us that wake up alone, go to bed alone--whether its divorce, death, or just a loveless marriage--I pray that God fills the emptiness. That even though the intimacy of contact is missing-that He provides the love, peace and comfort to propel you through your day, another hour, another trial. That you feel His presence in the celebrations of life, the devastation's. I pray for you, and myself, that we know beyond anything --that Jesus is enough and even though we can't "touch" our Savior we can feel His love for us. I pray that knowing that once we finally make it to see Him face to face-His embrace will make up for all of the times without our beloveds touch. That holding His scarred hands will erase the loneliness that any of us have ever endured here. Allow us to feel You Father -touch our souls and to fill any and all gaps in our lives-reminding us that You are enough, all that we need. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I recently posted on Facebook how its all about to begin.... early to bed, earlier to rise this year (since my girls starting big school I am now being made to be a part of the carpool---the Getchell's are loving knowing my lazy mornings are OVER), homework, routines, uniforms taking up space in the laundry, no more days of the car not having to leave the driveway.  No more lazy days by the pool, or spontaneous outings.  Is this normal??? Is it normal for me to dread it sooooo much???  Most mom's are excited to send their kids off, relish in the routine of things.  Me--- not so much.  This year is even harder.  My baby, Miss M, starts 1st grade and will be there 8-3, Monday thru Friday.  EVERY. STINKING. DAY. You see, Miss M and I had formed ourselves an awesome little routine.  She was basically my sidekick from 1-3ish and more so on Tue and Thur when I joined her to work at her Pre-school.  Most Tue-Thu we would make a quick stop my McD's for a butter biscuit for her, sweet tea for me (may explain weight gain) do our thing at school then home at 1 for me and her time before all heck broke loose at 3:15 when the rowdy boys were picked up.  So now, its gonna be new for both her and I.  Guarantee there WILL BE tears as I drop her off. That first will definitely remind me of the first day I dropped the boys off---- when I literally cried ALL day. Couldn't wait to pick them up, couldn't wait to see how their first day was... but boys don't talk so much, so hoping the conversation with Miss M will not be one way but praying that she fills my ears FULL of all the happenings---ever last detail.  I remember telling Shane when I dropped Sam off and watched him walk to his room in tears and I drove off in tears -that I was done with first day of school drop-offs. Jokes on me!!!!  No one else to do it-but me. So on August 5th if you see me sporting my dark glasses just nod and walk on... cause sister will not be in a good state.  Matter of fact--- i may just wear them the whole first week, bear with me.  There will most definitely be 3 year old snubbing going on from this mama.
I'm really trying to be better. Sweet Sam reminded me after one of my "GOSH, we only have a few more days" followed by lengthy sigh that I was making it worse for them.  So I'm really trying to keep my sighs to myself.  Was trying to remember if I dreaded it before I was a single-mom--- answer is Yep, did then-still do did when I was in school. Some things just never change.   Just may be a bit worse now.  While I'm trying to see the good of having a little more Dee Dee time with the schedule -maybe start exercising some of the sweet tea weight gain off, have a cleaner house, more needed time with my Father--I still can't help but think that each school year that starts, is one year closer to my 3 leaving their nest.  I have a sweet friend that reminds me every year as the summer's over blues sets in, that I should savor this time and see each new year as a new season for me and my 3.  So this year, while I still am blue about the whole thing, I am praying for God to take the dread away, to remind me that this is a new season of learning- for all of us, opportunities for all of us to grow.  Praying God gives me discipline to manage my time, to be the best mom that I can be, that He blesses us with an awesome school year and that He helps me to hold it together that first week, that He will be with my children's teachers, administrators and all of the students.  That we all can reflect the love of Jesus Christ every single day.  Lord, help me to look forward to this new year, new season. Knowing You have each and every day planned according to your will. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

BTW Lord, can you let  Glenn Getchell get a bigger car so that I can be taken out of the morning carpool loop??

Now, time to go clean out the old school papers and make room for some new ones. Just a few more days...time slow down.   LARGE and LOUD sigh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good Grief is RIGHT

If I haven't said "Good Grief" a million times this week I've said it 2 million.  Our family of 4 is currently getting in to the swing of summer.  Some "good grief" moments are as follows:  staying up till after midnight, waking up at 11, yes i said 11-yep almost 44 years old and i can still sleep like a teenager-definitely a good grief moment.  The amount of food 3 children can eat.  The mess that 3 children can make and the amount of trash a family of 4 can produce.  The amount of laundry there is, the times one mother can say put your wet bathing suits on the side of the tub, and yet still find them in a wet pile on the floor.  The times one 6 year old can say "Mom, Mommy, mother, deedee." The amount of times i have to tell them to wait for the sunscreen to dry and the amount of times i have to tell them to not jump close to the edge of the pool.  The amount of times this mom has said 'don't talk to me when I am ordering in the drive-thru' or 'turn the tv down none of us are that hard of hearing.' The times i have told my oldest to slow-down on the 4-wheeler, and turn the x-box off so the others can watch Good Luck Charlie.  The times I have to say "I tried to tell you."  The times this mom sinks into myself and wants to wrap her young ones into her arms and whisper, "I am sorry that God chose this path for us. I'm sorry that your young lives have been tainted by cancer, by death, by evil."  That may just be the biggest "good grief" moment for me.
Had an incident happen this week that made me realize that this mama is still harboring some major anger over the plot that is our lives.  Not sure who or what this mama is angry at but know that it will be dealt with much prayer, and work.   So this week a "good grief" moment is when I am in a heap of tears saying to several in my life..."Its not right, he needs his daddy."  Yes, the man-child that is 5 inches shy of 6 ft, deep voiced, shaving son of mine needs his daddy and I am one pissed mama.  I am beginning to see some things in his life that have been damaged hopefully not beyond repair.  Just a few... confidence, motivation, stability.  Some pretty big issues for a man-child.  This age is so unsettled anyway plus take away these things and its just disastrous.  My heart hurts for all of my 3 and the loss they have endured but most for J.  He is the one that had the longest relationship with his daddy, his daddy was his everything, the one he waited for daily to arrive home.  The one he constantly took shelter under his daddy's arm and on his daddy's chest every weekend of the "camp-outs."   The one that had his daddy always coaching him on and off the field.  The one that spent endless hours just daddy and son outside while the others were too little.  I knew that this would probably have the most negative effect on him, he was a mere 10 when he witnessed the one he saw as strength grow weaker and weaker.  He was a mere 10 when he awoke to his mom telling him his daddy was gone.  He was a mere 10 when he took his place behind his daddy's casket to walk out of his daddy's service and a mere 10 when he helped carry his daddy's casket to his grave.  10, TEN, X.  The boy has lived a life time in just a few short years.  They all have, but for a child trying to manage to find his place in the world, for one who is still a child in a young man's body, for a boy that gave up his passion because his daddy was not longer there to help coach him on the diamond. A boy that lost all confidence in who is is.  For a boy that chooses video games and music to escape...losing your daddy sucks.  No other word to explain it.

This week when I realized my anger I had some time with just him, about the only time he will actually talk to me is when we are alone.  13 is HARD!!!! I asked him if he thought he was still angry about his daddy passing.  His reply, "No mom, its just life, I know I will see him again.  I am angry at some things that daddy had worked out for us that hasn't worked out though."  My boy carries the weight of the world on his almost 6 ft shoulders.  He would never let on but I think he worries about the well-being of our family of 4. His daddy not knowing how this child would take to heart these words, whispered to him one day between labored breaths- "buddy, you will be the man of the house- take care of mama and Sam and molly." I've come to the realization that on the days he is most disrespectful to me, the days I mark it up to hormones, it may not be hormones at all.  It may be that he is mad at me, because i was the one that was left to raise them.  Maybe he sometimes wonders why it wasn't me instead of his daddy.  A boy, after all, needs his daddy.

I've also "good griefed" myself to death thinking i have totally dropped the ball with him, that I have failed him miserably the past few years, not only him but the other 2 as well.  That I haven't been the mom I needed to be which makes me angry yet again.  If I wasn't having to do this on my own, maybe I could be the mom I was intended and desire to be.  Instead, I am frazzled, drained, short-tempered, and I let things slide.  Now, I am seeing the fruits of my frazzled ball dropping.  I had someone tell me that God obviously thought I could do this, for He chose me to be the single-mom of three.  I beg to differ on most days.  I have so many times thrown my hands up in the shower and cried, "I can't do this! Why have you chose this for me?"  Was also reminded this week I am doing the best I can do, but Ive realized it hasn't been good enough for my 3.  I haven't pushed them to be and do their best, I haven't motivated them. But how does one do that for a child that has experienced maybe the worst thing a child can go through...losing a parent?!!  I've let things slide because I thought they'd been through too much, especially the oldest. I still think they all have, and I continually ask for a break for all of them and for me.  I know things happen in their lives to mark out and shape them into the men and the woman that God intends for them to be.  But I have to wonder how much they can take before totally rebelling against the ONE who loves them.  Needless to say, you can see why I have "GOOD GRIEFED" my fool self to death.

These 3 are my true blessings in life and I certainly don't want to mess up what God has loaned to me.  My prayer is for God to equip me in the "good grief" moments, to equip me to be the best mom I can be in the situation we are in and  to help me guide my 3 to make good choices, to help me motivate them to be all they can be and most importantly to help me show them Jesus in our day to day living.  The anger will eventually subside, the hurt never will, but I know God knows our hearts and will continue to navigate our lives.  I pray the other 2 learn from their brother and I and that all these "good grief" moments will propel them into God's strong, unwavering arms.  That their adversities, trials and sufferings will make them men/woman of GOD, that they will use their life story to direct others to HIM.  In the meantime, some prayers for the Richardson's are always appreciated.  Raising a teenage boy without a strong hand and some male hormones around is gonna be tough.  GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!