Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
Monday, July 16, 2012
Learning from Nehemiah!
I just celebrated my 43rd birthday, I was blessed to be with family and friends, and am thankful for another year(I think.) As I get older I continue to see so many blessings of everyday life and realize that those blessings make me the person I am today. I also realize that the things I go through that don't look like blessings at all are what make me who I am today. I received sweet messages in 2 birthday cards (1 from my mom & dad and 1 from Shane's mom & dad) that basically said the same thing. How they have watched me grow in the past 2 years and how proud they are of me. My sweet 15 year old niece even said On FB that I was one of the strongest people she knew. Shane's mom wrote that Shane saw the inner strength in me and that is why he knew it was ok for him to leave that I would be able to carry on. Wow, glad he saw it cause I never did. But I do now. However, that inner strength is not my own. That strength comes from the One who knows me. It comes from knowing He's got everything under control. I've mentioned before that my sweet friend LG gave me a trinket box with Nehemiah 8:10 "The joy of the Lord is my strength" on top of it when Shane first got sick. She told me that that was going to be my verse and ironically there was a song that played over and over on the radio with that verse in it. Then, this past year my ladies bible study studied who??? One of my favorite books in the bible now...Nehemiah. If you haven't studied that little book in the old testament I strongly suggest it. I learned so much from this great man of the bible. He grieved for his people, went to God in prayer obediently and then did what he could to use what God had given him to help rebuild the walls that surrounded Jerusalem. This short book is packed packed full of instruction on the right way to pray. He started out by worshipping God then partitioned his request. He also shows us how to live confidently/boldly when knowing we are doing God's will. If you read further you see how Nehemiah wants to do God's work, and do it well. The verses go on to tell us how the Jewish people had let their own "walls" be torn down by letting their children marry others from other nations, those that worshipped other gods. It goes on to tell of how Nehemiah trusted that God would help him to rebuild the wall around Jerusalem, to protect His chosen people. It tells the story of how God used unskilled men with no experience to rebuild the wall. Much like He will use the most ordinary of us today to do his work when we feel we are not equipped.It tells how there were many enemies that did not want the wall to be rebuilt, but instead of Nehemiah fighting them himself how he trusted God.It tells of how the Jews worked together to build while others protected. Of course they complained and were tired but Nehemiah encouraged them that they were doing Gods work. Long story short-they successfully rebuilt the wall with Nehemiah's trust in God, his instruction, his humbleness, his prayers. >Not only did he take on the rebuilding of the wall, he also restored order in the city depending on God for His help. I share all this with you for the reason that, I too, am rebuilding walls, even while the world around and the enemy will always try to tear it down, I'm continuing to seek God's will, and continuing to learn how to completely trust my Father just as Nehemiah did. I'm continuing to draw strength from God's joy. Hence, the change in the title of my blog. Not saying the grieving period is yet over. But I am saying that it's time for changes, time for me to proclaim where my strength comes from, and continue to give Him the glory and honor He so deserves. So please tune in to my new blog---The Joy of the Lord is my strength. Hope to see you soon!!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Details Details Details
|
-t
l
, d
)It has been brought to my attention, by no one other than myself, that I love details. No, I'm not the detail oriented OCD type that has all of my life organized down to every detail. Couldn't be farther from the truth. I do however, find myself needing details of peoples lives, especially those closest to me. At 4 am this morning when I woke up with this on my mind I thought about how different men and women/ boys & girls are so different when it comes to details. When I think about daily conversations with the kids I can so see the difference. Here is a small example of my afternoon conversations with my 3:
Me: Hey Jake, how was your day?
J: good.
Me: anything good or exciting happen?
J: no. (answers while reaching over to drown me out with the volume button on the radio)
Me: Sam, what about you, was your day good?
Sam: Yep.
Me: how did you do on your test?
Sam: Good.
Me: Molly how was your day?
M: Oh, mom, it was so good, we got to play outside a long time, we finger painted today, we read a Fancy Nancy book, Ava had her leopard skin flip flops on like mine, Mary Burke was out sick today. I didn't eat all my spaghetti-o's today, so when I get home I need a snack.
AHHH, someone that will give me a few details. M completely understands how details make me feel connected to her and her day, and the boys, well they are like their DD (deceased dad), they leave out the details that leaves me wanting, needing more. I don't know anymore than I did before they got in my car. Which leads me to wonder what happened, was it something bad that they don't want me to know or just don't want to talk about it. Or is it the fact that they don't see the big deal with details. So I will stubbornly keep asking questions, trying to be as open ended as I possibly can, in order to feel like I'm a part of their lives. Luckily, my girlfriends, are more of the same as me. They never leave out the minor details. While I've been able to enjoy some much needed "girl" time at the pool it never ceases to amaze me at how "detailed" our conversations can get. We are so detailed sometimes its downright scary. I feel like sometimes I give so many "details" I'm a little transparent. I hope that my friends appreciate that I trust them in this way and they see that my "detail" sharing is based on trust, love and frankly, I want them to feel as if they can be as "detailed" with me as I am them.
Another example of men, women and "details" being on opposite ends of the spectrum--Flyboy is now a pilot with a commercial airline. He is flying from west to east coast and everywhere in between.While he is very open and "detailed" about his schedules, etc., he does, however, fail to give me the minor "details" that I know he thinks nothing about. I know he would tell me if he thought it was pertinent, but he fails to see my desire to know every. little. detail. of his flights, his layovers, his meals. He's a man, and I'm a woman with a crazy desire for "details." Is this his fault? No. Mine? no. But I have to wonder-if it were me flying here, there and yonder, would he have the desire for "details." I have to think the answer would be a resounding "no." Which in turn, would make me wonder if he just didn't care. Same with the boys, it makes me wonder often if they even care what kind of day I've had, for they never ask about the "details" of my day.
All this "details" about "details" has led me to think about how God cares about the "details" of our lives. While we can't audibly hear Him ask about the details of our days, I know He wants to know. I, like the above mentioned males, only seem to scrape the surface of my life when it comes to telling God about my days and life. Yes, I know that my Father already knows every single detail about my life, I know that He would certainly enjoy and desires me taking the opportunity to thank Him, and ask Him for guidance in ALL the "details" of my life, not just the ones I think He wants to hear about-but the good, the bad and the ugly. He cares so much that He wants me to be as detailed with him as I am at the pool with my girlfriends. My prayer is that I may be as candid with my Father that knows my innermost being, as I want my own children to be as candid with me. I know He will never judge me as I hope that I never would my 3 when they decide to share the "details" of their lives with me.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
We made it through yet another April 3rd, and yet another Maudy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday. For the past 2 years Holy Week and the anniversary of Shane's passing has been all wrapped up into 1 week. Frankly, I'm thankful for that. I find much comfort in knowing that Jesus took His place on the cross to overcome death. Which gives me great comfort in knowing that the sting of death is gone. This year, however, there has been a new twist added. I am having the unfortunate experience of watching, yet, another dear friend, succumbing to this horrible disease.
She was close to Shane, conducted business with him and while doing so, formed a friendship outside of just knowing him through me. She and I had danced together in elementary school and were friends through school and kept in contact through the years. She was always one of the ones I couldn't wait to see at our annual "girls" Christmas get-together, to see what great purse she was carrying and what exciting things were happening in her crazy life. Then, we started having babies about the same time and I had the great fortune of her sweet little girl being born 1 year before Miss M, so I was on the receiving end of private shopping for second hand clothes. She's one of those friends that you may not talk to for awhile but then when you do see/talk to each other, you pick up right where you left off, always refreshing to be with her. Fortunately or unfortunately, when she was told of her recurrence I had a bit of experience this go around. She is the one that introduced me to the chemo room 5 years ago during her first diagnosis, I remember being intimidated when I first walked in and saw her with her infusions going. Then I remember feeling a little more comfortable when I walked in with Shane for the first time cause I had been there before with her. With this go around, I went to her first treatment with her. Knowing it was going to bring back so many memories but also knowing that God had allowed me to experience cancer in order to do just what I was doing that day with her. I remember us chatting it up because we were both a bit nervous. She mentioned that her and Shane couldn't do anything normal and she mentioned jokingly that their birthdays were exactly 1 day apart. Same year, just 1 day apart. She said, "great---just my luck, hope this doesn't mean I am destined for the same as he." I reassured her that she was fine. I also remember that she was receiving one of the exact drugs that Shane had taken. One with the possibility of severe side effects. Again, we were chatting it up and after the infusion started she mentioned that her throat was warm. I knew that was a reaction and immediately called for the nurse. Sure enough, allergic reaction. She was happy I was there to recognize it before it got really ugly, and I think also, she was a little perturbed at me because of the same thing, she wanted this drug to get rid of this cancer. Again, I was thanking God for letting me have knowledge from my past experience.
Now to present day, I am now wondering if I am thankful for this experience because I know whats next. Different cancer, different circumstances, different struggles, different ways of dealing with it all but looks like the same outcome. All during the same time of year as Shane succumbed to this disease. My experience has allowed me to know what she is feeling, her fears, her thoughts, has also allowed me to know just what to pray with her. We have shared some sweet times that I will forever be thankful for that. I have struggled with me possibly being a reminder of what the outcome may be, but she found comfort, I think in, in knowing I had been through it all. A few weeks ago, she asked me when it was that he passed-I told her and it was just a week before the anniversary-she shook her head in disbelief and the irony of it all. All I could do was reassure her. As I visited with her the past few times, its been harder, much harder, it all brings back so many emotions. Today, however, I knew it was time to pray a prayer similar to the one I prayed with Shane. Asking God for his will to be done. Asking him to give her peace, asking Him for mercy. As I sat with her I caught myself humming one of the songs that was sung at Shane's service...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v37_uH_3MzU&feature=related
As sad as I am to watch her leave this world, I want her to run to her Savior, I want her to defeat this disease, I want her to defeat death. She has fought the good fight, she has fought long and hard. She has taught many of us how to fight a battle with dignity, grace and perseverance. Her strength is indescribable. She continues to fight. My prayer tonight is that she won't succumb to this disease, but that she will hear God's beckoning call to run to Him, in turn, leaving all of this behind. I so wish that time allowed me to read to her these verses..."Don't let this throw you. You trust God, don't you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my Father's home. If that weren't so, would I have told you that I'm on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I'm on my way to get your room ready, I'll come back and get you so you can live where I live. And you already know the road I'm taking." (MSG John 14:1-4
Some of the same words that ushered Shane into his Saviors arms. As I have so often wanted to say to her, but the time was never right, I wanted to tell her that Jesus is waiting and I know that Shane will be right there with open arms asking what took her so long or jokingly telling her she is late again for an appointment.
Again, surrounded with questions of why her, why now, why this. But trusting my all knowing, all loving, perfect plans of my Father. My heart is heavy for what is to come, but also celebrating what is in store for her.
B----Run to Jesus and Live!!!!
I love you and I'm so thankful that you let me travel this journey with you, you have taught me so much. I'll see you in paradise!!
She was close to Shane, conducted business with him and while doing so, formed a friendship outside of just knowing him through me. She and I had danced together in elementary school and were friends through school and kept in contact through the years. She was always one of the ones I couldn't wait to see at our annual "girls" Christmas get-together, to see what great purse she was carrying and what exciting things were happening in her crazy life. Then, we started having babies about the same time and I had the great fortune of her sweet little girl being born 1 year before Miss M, so I was on the receiving end of private shopping for second hand clothes. She's one of those friends that you may not talk to for awhile but then when you do see/talk to each other, you pick up right where you left off, always refreshing to be with her. Fortunately or unfortunately, when she was told of her recurrence I had a bit of experience this go around. She is the one that introduced me to the chemo room 5 years ago during her first diagnosis, I remember being intimidated when I first walked in and saw her with her infusions going. Then I remember feeling a little more comfortable when I walked in with Shane for the first time cause I had been there before with her. With this go around, I went to her first treatment with her. Knowing it was going to bring back so many memories but also knowing that God had allowed me to experience cancer in order to do just what I was doing that day with her. I remember us chatting it up because we were both a bit nervous. She mentioned that her and Shane couldn't do anything normal and she mentioned jokingly that their birthdays were exactly 1 day apart. Same year, just 1 day apart. She said, "great---just my luck, hope this doesn't mean I am destined for the same as he." I reassured her that she was fine. I also remember that she was receiving one of the exact drugs that Shane had taken. One with the possibility of severe side effects. Again, we were chatting it up and after the infusion started she mentioned that her throat was warm. I knew that was a reaction and immediately called for the nurse. Sure enough, allergic reaction. She was happy I was there to recognize it before it got really ugly, and I think also, she was a little perturbed at me because of the same thing, she wanted this drug to get rid of this cancer. Again, I was thanking God for letting me have knowledge from my past experience.
Now to present day, I am now wondering if I am thankful for this experience because I know whats next. Different cancer, different circumstances, different struggles, different ways of dealing with it all but looks like the same outcome. All during the same time of year as Shane succumbed to this disease. My experience has allowed me to know what she is feeling, her fears, her thoughts, has also allowed me to know just what to pray with her. We have shared some sweet times that I will forever be thankful for that. I have struggled with me possibly being a reminder of what the outcome may be, but she found comfort, I think in, in knowing I had been through it all. A few weeks ago, she asked me when it was that he passed-I told her and it was just a week before the anniversary-she shook her head in disbelief and the irony of it all. All I could do was reassure her. As I visited with her the past few times, its been harder, much harder, it all brings back so many emotions. Today, however, I knew it was time to pray a prayer similar to the one I prayed with Shane. Asking God for his will to be done. Asking him to give her peace, asking Him for mercy. As I sat with her I caught myself humming one of the songs that was sung at Shane's service...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v37_uH_3MzU&feature=related
As sad as I am to watch her leave this world, I want her to run to her Savior, I want her to defeat this disease, I want her to defeat death. She has fought the good fight, she has fought long and hard. She has taught many of us how to fight a battle with dignity, grace and perseverance. Her strength is indescribable. She continues to fight. My prayer tonight is that she won't succumb to this disease, but that she will hear God's beckoning call to run to Him, in turn, leaving all of this behind. I so wish that time allowed me to read to her these verses..."Don't let this throw you. You trust God, don't you? Trust me. There is plenty of room for you in my Father's home. If that weren't so, would I have told you that I'm on my way to get a room ready for you? And if I'm on my way to get your room ready, I'll come back and get you so you can live where I live. And you already know the road I'm taking." (MSG John 14:1-4
Some of the same words that ushered Shane into his Saviors arms. As I have so often wanted to say to her, but the time was never right, I wanted to tell her that Jesus is waiting and I know that Shane will be right there with open arms asking what took her so long or jokingly telling her she is late again for an appointment.
Again, surrounded with questions of why her, why now, why this. But trusting my all knowing, all loving, perfect plans of my Father. My heart is heavy for what is to come, but also celebrating what is in store for her.
B----Run to Jesus and Live!!!!
I love you and I'm so thankful that you let me travel this journey with you, you have taught me so much. I'll see you in paradise!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
The Very Thin Line Between Pain and Happiness
Been a while since blogging-been a little busy-no rest for the weary. Seems this single mom of 3 has a bit of a problem with time management. Between science fair projects, baseball, a very demanding 5 year old daughter and go ahead and laugh---an 8 hour a week job-this mom struggles.
Fortunately, there is someone else that occupies my mind & heart. I find myself using the quiet moments to think about him-those who know me best and love to give me a hard time call it "la-la" land. I have to admit "la-la" land is a wonderful place to be. Sometimes it's nice to forget all the things that need to be done, meals to be fixed, clothes to be washed. However, even in "la-la" land these things do not go away. And as happy as I am with the place God has me, and the next phase in life that is upon me, the pain of the occurrences that happened this time 2 years ago doesn't go away in "la-la" land. See what I mean with the title of this blog? How can I be so stinking happy and the pain be so real all at the same time? To make matters worse we just dealt with "Donuts with Dad" at M's school. Her sweet teachers were very sensitive to M and to me, asking me what was ok to include her in. She answered the questions concerning her daddy in present tense with such sweet right on target answers. We decided to forego the actual donuts with dad. Molly did great, me, however, did not. It wasn't about anything in particular just more about the sadness that that something so simple even had to be considered.It also made me extremely proud of M, and how she handled it all.
Crossing back over the line to happiness, the subject of my la-la state of mind lives out of town for now, had been here for a weekend and had headed home. On the way home from school recently J said, "I miss ___. But I feel funny saying that I miss another man besides dad." loved hearing him say he missed ___. Sounded good coming from the one that was against me ever finding happiness. He also shared that he had not felt secure for 2 years since his dad had been gone but felt secure when ___was around. See? That fine line again. So happy to see my kids feelings for this man aligning with mine. Seeing the wonderful things in him that i do, but also still painful to realize their dad is not here.
There are some really wonderful things happening for me and my 3, ironically, we are extremely happy during the time of year that last year found me wanting to sleep through. That fine line of being so happy that I can't even stand it to the memories of 2 years ago keeps popping up. For those of you that have dealt with a death of a loved one-does the stigma of the time of their passing ever go away? Does the rawness get better with time?
There may be a fine line between happiness and pain but I can't help but think that with God and a man that is so extremely patient, respectful, & understanding, that only time will be able to slowly erase that fine line. God totally knows me, knows my heart, knows my needs-He knows my children better than me, knows what they need. Even though there is pain associated with the next few months I feel sure that He will fill us up with the courage, peace and comfort that He filled us up with 2 years ago. He will continue to do this each year until the fine line is not as noticable, to where pain is not as raw. He will continue to be the salve for our wound. There will be a scar left behind but with that scar comes a story we can share of His goodness, His grace, His peace. For now, I will continue to be happy, ecstatic, overjoyed for God allowing me the opportunity to love again, I will be forever thankful that He chose ___for me and my children and chose me for him and his. I will allow the pain because I know He allowed this pain to bring glory to Him. This pain that is past and present is what makes me, J,S,M who we are today. So for now, I will be the talented tightrope performer, balancing ever so carefully on the line between happiness and pain.
Before I end-I'd like to wish my oldest the Happiest of Birthdays on March 2nd. Speaking of the fine line between happiness and pain...J you bring so much happiness and so much pain watching you grow into the young man that you are I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
And in honor of one of my favorites that shares his birthday with J and fitting for this post --
"Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened."
Dr. Seuss
Fortunately, there is someone else that occupies my mind & heart. I find myself using the quiet moments to think about him-those who know me best and love to give me a hard time call it "la-la" land. I have to admit "la-la" land is a wonderful place to be. Sometimes it's nice to forget all the things that need to be done, meals to be fixed, clothes to be washed. However, even in "la-la" land these things do not go away. And as happy as I am with the place God has me, and the next phase in life that is upon me, the pain of the occurrences that happened this time 2 years ago doesn't go away in "la-la" land. See what I mean with the title of this blog? How can I be so stinking happy and the pain be so real all at the same time? To make matters worse we just dealt with "Donuts with Dad" at M's school. Her sweet teachers were very sensitive to M and to me, asking me what was ok to include her in. She answered the questions concerning her daddy in present tense with such sweet right on target answers. We decided to forego the actual donuts with dad. Molly did great, me, however, did not. It wasn't about anything in particular just more about the sadness that that something so simple even had to be considered.It also made me extremely proud of M, and how she handled it all.
Crossing back over the line to happiness, the subject of my la-la state of mind lives out of town for now, had been here for a weekend and had headed home. On the way home from school recently J said, "I miss ___. But I feel funny saying that I miss another man besides dad." loved hearing him say he missed ___. Sounded good coming from the one that was against me ever finding happiness. He also shared that he had not felt secure for 2 years since his dad had been gone but felt secure when ___was around. See? That fine line again. So happy to see my kids feelings for this man aligning with mine. Seeing the wonderful things in him that i do, but also still painful to realize their dad is not here.
There are some really wonderful things happening for me and my 3, ironically, we are extremely happy during the time of year that last year found me wanting to sleep through. That fine line of being so happy that I can't even stand it to the memories of 2 years ago keeps popping up. For those of you that have dealt with a death of a loved one-does the stigma of the time of their passing ever go away? Does the rawness get better with time?
There may be a fine line between happiness and pain but I can't help but think that with God and a man that is so extremely patient, respectful, & understanding, that only time will be able to slowly erase that fine line. God totally knows me, knows my heart, knows my needs-He knows my children better than me, knows what they need. Even though there is pain associated with the next few months I feel sure that He will fill us up with the courage, peace and comfort that He filled us up with 2 years ago. He will continue to do this each year until the fine line is not as noticable, to where pain is not as raw. He will continue to be the salve for our wound. There will be a scar left behind but with that scar comes a story we can share of His goodness, His grace, His peace. For now, I will continue to be happy, ecstatic, overjoyed for God allowing me the opportunity to love again, I will be forever thankful that He chose ___for me and my children and chose me for him and his. I will allow the pain because I know He allowed this pain to bring glory to Him. This pain that is past and present is what makes me, J,S,M who we are today. So for now, I will be the talented tightrope performer, balancing ever so carefully on the line between happiness and pain.
Before I end-I'd like to wish my oldest the Happiest of Birthdays on March 2nd. Speaking of the fine line between happiness and pain...J you bring so much happiness and so much pain watching you grow into the young man that you are I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry.
And in honor of one of my favorites that shares his birthday with J and fitting for this post --
"Don't cry because it's over.
Smile because it happened."
Dr. Seuss
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Waiting on the Ball to drop. (Not the big crystal ball in NYC on New Years Eve)
Ahhhhhh week before Christmas. I promise myself every year that things will be different the next. Less buying, less busyness and enjoy the Prince of Peace's birthday. So ironic that celebrating the Prince of Peace totally stresses me out. Shouldn't be this way, but the world gets all over me and I can't stand it. One year I will man up and do things the way they were meant to be. Anyway, being a single mom, Christmas shopping is a bit of a challenge. So I depend on the kindness of my mom and friends to watch the kids while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off to get things done. So last night I ran the kids to my mom's to do grocery shopping and other "stuff." To go to my mom's I have to pass the cemetery, so on my way back to Wal-mart I glanced up to see Shane's cross glowing at the top of the hill as I usually do. Last night when I looked up at it, a flood of questions came all over me in a matter of seconds. Questions that came out of nowhere, questions I haven't asked myself before. The first one that popped up was 'DeAnn, do you really deserve to be happy?' then, 'DeAnn, do you really deserve to be happy this soon after Shane's passing?' and 'are you really sure you are ready to give your heart away again, something may happen.' So, I know how Satan works and knew from the get go that this had his signature all over it. He makes me question things that shouldn't be questioned, he stresses me out the week I should be at complete and total peace, and makes me question my questions. (Does that make sense?)
I had a conversation with a friend at the AT&T store the other day and we were discussing our lives, her mom has recently passed from cancer and she said, "DeAnn, I'm not sure about you, but I find myself running from cancer, its everywhere." I agreed and told her I fight with guilt about not being a better friend to a friend that is smack dab in the middle of her battle. Its sometimes unbearable to go "back." No excuse and something I am dealing with. During our conversation I was telling her about some things that have transpired in my life that has made me really happy. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was for me. I, in turn, said, "But you know, I am fearful to let myself be happy, seems I am always waiting for the ball to drop." She agreed and said, "When you have been through what we have lived through its hard to be happy without being a little scared." Hence the title of this blog...waiting on the ball to drop. For the most part I have found extreme happiness, but there is always Satan tapping me on the shoulder reminding me that happiness comes with a price. Never sure what that price is. A while ago I questioned whether or not I would ever be brave enough to love again. I decided with that question that it wasn't the fear of loving again but the fear of NEVER loving again and the fear of losing again. I also remember someone saying that to find love again is the best compliment you could ever give to the one you have lost. With that, I decided I would trust God with all of the details and He would work it out knowing His plans for me is for the good of me.
Getting back to my questions the other night...I am not sure I deserve to be this happy, nor am I sure to be this happy so soon after Shane's passing. I asked myself in the quietness of the car, do any of us really deserve to be happy? is there a timeline for happiness after death? is there a timeline for grief. I had to think about what Shane would think if he could see me now, (not sure how aware those living in eternity are of us or if they really care), would he be like, "Whoa, she found happiness pretty fast, wanted her too, but not so sure I wanted her too quiet so fast." or "You go girl, live life to its fullness, never take one second for granted, love again, love with the depth and strength that God taught you and use that love that got you through my death, allow God to guide you day by day, and by all means be happy and BTW I prayed for that one." For those of you that knew Shane-the latter sounds just like something he would say. Oh wait, as a matter of fact, he pretty much told me these things when he knew he would be leaving. Satan may make me question and others may question, but I know in my heart that happiness is for me right now, deserving or not. For reasons I am still trying to figure out myself I see how God is orchestrating pure joy in my life. The happiness I am finding is from Him, I continue to find peace and comfort from Him. I've discovered a love for my Savior that I never knew I had. I have discovered that I'm so in love with Him therefore allowing me to be as happy as I am. I also know that God has allowed a wonderful man to enter my life at this time and I shouldn't question the happiness he brings or whether I am deserving or not of him or of loving again. I like where I am at right now, except for the Christmas stress. So Satan, drop the ball, its in my court now...and I choose happiness.
Since life is crazy right now I'd like to wish all of you a very Merry, Blessed-beyond-words- Christmas. Try and remember, amongst the craziness of the preparations, that we are celebrating the Prince of Peace, not the prince of craziness, not the prince of presents, or parties but the Prince. of. Peace. So from me to you on Christmas, I would like to leave you with this song for your listening pleasure. Turn my play list off and enjoy this one. Merriest of Christmases. I love you Jesus and thank you for the lessons learned from loving you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRTLrTylMrE
I had a conversation with a friend at the AT&T store the other day and we were discussing our lives, her mom has recently passed from cancer and she said, "DeAnn, I'm not sure about you, but I find myself running from cancer, its everywhere." I agreed and told her I fight with guilt about not being a better friend to a friend that is smack dab in the middle of her battle. Its sometimes unbearable to go "back." No excuse and something I am dealing with. During our conversation I was telling her about some things that have transpired in my life that has made me really happy. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was for me. I, in turn, said, "But you know, I am fearful to let myself be happy, seems I am always waiting for the ball to drop." She agreed and said, "When you have been through what we have lived through its hard to be happy without being a little scared." Hence the title of this blog...waiting on the ball to drop. For the most part I have found extreme happiness, but there is always Satan tapping me on the shoulder reminding me that happiness comes with a price. Never sure what that price is. A while ago I questioned whether or not I would ever be brave enough to love again. I decided with that question that it wasn't the fear of loving again but the fear of NEVER loving again and the fear of losing again. I also remember someone saying that to find love again is the best compliment you could ever give to the one you have lost. With that, I decided I would trust God with all of the details and He would work it out knowing His plans for me is for the good of me.
Getting back to my questions the other night...I am not sure I deserve to be this happy, nor am I sure to be this happy so soon after Shane's passing. I asked myself in the quietness of the car, do any of us really deserve to be happy? is there a timeline for happiness after death? is there a timeline for grief. I had to think about what Shane would think if he could see me now, (not sure how aware those living in eternity are of us or if they really care), would he be like, "Whoa, she found happiness pretty fast, wanted her too, but not so sure I wanted her too quiet so fast." or "You go girl, live life to its fullness, never take one second for granted, love again, love with the depth and strength that God taught you and use that love that got you through my death, allow God to guide you day by day, and by all means be happy and BTW I prayed for that one." For those of you that knew Shane-the latter sounds just like something he would say. Oh wait, as a matter of fact, he pretty much told me these things when he knew he would be leaving. Satan may make me question and others may question, but I know in my heart that happiness is for me right now, deserving or not. For reasons I am still trying to figure out myself I see how God is orchestrating pure joy in my life. The happiness I am finding is from Him, I continue to find peace and comfort from Him. I've discovered a love for my Savior that I never knew I had. I have discovered that I'm so in love with Him therefore allowing me to be as happy as I am. I also know that God has allowed a wonderful man to enter my life at this time and I shouldn't question the happiness he brings or whether I am deserving or not of him or of loving again. I like where I am at right now, except for the Christmas stress. So Satan, drop the ball, its in my court now...and I choose happiness.
Since life is crazy right now I'd like to wish all of you a very Merry, Blessed-beyond-words- Christmas. Try and remember, amongst the craziness of the preparations, that we are celebrating the Prince of Peace, not the prince of craziness, not the prince of presents, or parties but the Prince. of. Peace. So from me to you on Christmas, I would like to leave you with this song for your listening pleasure. Turn my play list off and enjoy this one. Merriest of Christmases. I love you Jesus and thank you for the lessons learned from loving you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRTLrTylMrE
Monday, November 14, 2011
Once again, I have been asked to speak at a women's Christmas dinner/event. When I am asked to speak, my first reaction is "Oh, no! Another chance for me to get nervous, anxious and worse...the attacks from satan. I'm not capable of this, Why me? and many other thoughts." At the same time, I get this stirring feeling inside of excitement, joy, and an energy I can't explain. When I got the phone call I told her that I would need to check my calender and pray about it. I did so over a weekend, and all weekend kept getting that nudge to say yes. So I said yes. In the mean time, I also took on facilitating a women's Wednesday night bible study at my church. I so wanted to say no to this request, but so glad I kept getting that same nudge. Not sure if the women are getting much out of it, but I sure am. Ironically, in that bible study we discussed "Mary & Martha" and there is absolutely no doubt that I am Mary. I would so much rather be the one sitting at Jesus' feet while someone else does the work. But God, being God, has turned the tables on me (He does have a sense of humor) and has me speaking about the goodness and joy of Jesus. I really couldn't be happier. So as I ponder on what to speak about (my testimony or something else) I always go back to thinking God has had me go through what I have been through for a reason. I expressed to someone the other day, that while I do want to give God the Glory He so deserves I sometimes just don't want to relive those 5 months of Shane's sickness and his passing. I don't want to have to read the words in my journal and revisit the pain, and have all of it come rushing back as if it were today. It's bad enough to face each day, knowing that 2 years ago, at this time, we were beginning the journey of it all. The questions, wondering where God was in all of it, knowing that Shane's 40th birthday would be next Monday.
I think the human mind somehow pushes painful memories back into a closet so as not to have to see them so vividly. Don't get me wrong, those memories are never completely hidden but you do have to open the closet door to see them. When I speak of those months, I open the door wide and sometimes its a little overwhelming at how vivid the memories are. Its like reliving every single second. Only difference is, I know the outcome. However, after saying all of this, in reading the book that goes along with my Wed. night bible study, the author spoke of the saying, "Time heals all wounds." She asked if that statement were true. I thought about it for a moment and agree a little with it but not completely. After I continued reading I have to agree with the answer she gave-"Time does heal, but only when we're willing to talk about wounds. Otherwise, our wounds fester through time." (You Matter More Than You Think-by Dr. Leslie Parrott) So I think the nudging I get when asked to share my story is God's way of continuing to heal me. He is knowingly making me open that closet door and face the wounds so that I can continue to heal and hopefully help others and share His goodness. My only hope is that He will nudge 3 children's spirit to open their own closets, so they too, can continue to heal.
My very wise pastor said something last week in his sermon about how when we are telling others about the goodness of God how it should not come from whats inside of us, but what is overflowing from us. My prayer is that God will continually fill me with His Spirit to overflowing so that I can tell of His greatness that I have experienced and continue to experience. I want to be like Moses when he came down from Mt. Sinai. 29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. Ex 34:29. I want others to know that I have experienced God's Glory. In opening that closet door of hidden memories, I recall the day after Shane passed a friend came by and I was sharing with her, on my front steps, of my experience with God the morning of Shane's passing. She looked at me and said, "DeAnn, you are glowing." I thought it odd that she should say that, I had had no sleep, was planning a funeral and my husband had just passed away...but when I look back, I had never experienced my Savior quiet like I had that early morning in April. I had seen God's Glory. WOW!! Thankfully, I will never be the same. How could I not speak of this?? Thank you Father for allowing me to see your Glory. Fill me up to overflowing with your Spirit and let my words be yours. Amen.
I think the human mind somehow pushes painful memories back into a closet so as not to have to see them so vividly. Don't get me wrong, those memories are never completely hidden but you do have to open the closet door to see them. When I speak of those months, I open the door wide and sometimes its a little overwhelming at how vivid the memories are. Its like reliving every single second. Only difference is, I know the outcome. However, after saying all of this, in reading the book that goes along with my Wed. night bible study, the author spoke of the saying, "Time heals all wounds." She asked if that statement were true. I thought about it for a moment and agree a little with it but not completely. After I continued reading I have to agree with the answer she gave-"Time does heal, but only when we're willing to talk about wounds. Otherwise, our wounds fester through time." (You Matter More Than You Think-by Dr. Leslie Parrott) So I think the nudging I get when asked to share my story is God's way of continuing to heal me. He is knowingly making me open that closet door and face the wounds so that I can continue to heal and hopefully help others and share His goodness. My only hope is that He will nudge 3 children's spirit to open their own closets, so they too, can continue to heal.
My very wise pastor said something last week in his sermon about how when we are telling others about the goodness of God how it should not come from whats inside of us, but what is overflowing from us. My prayer is that God will continually fill me with His Spirit to overflowing so that I can tell of His greatness that I have experienced and continue to experience. I want to be like Moses when he came down from Mt. Sinai. 29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. Ex 34:29. I want others to know that I have experienced God's Glory. In opening that closet door of hidden memories, I recall the day after Shane passed a friend came by and I was sharing with her, on my front steps, of my experience with God the morning of Shane's passing. She looked at me and said, "DeAnn, you are glowing." I thought it odd that she should say that, I had had no sleep, was planning a funeral and my husband had just passed away...but when I look back, I had never experienced my Savior quiet like I had that early morning in April. I had seen God's Glory. WOW!! Thankfully, I will never be the same. How could I not speak of this?? Thank you Father for allowing me to see your Glory. Fill me up to overflowing with your Spirit and let my words be yours. Amen.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Encouragement and Birthday Wishes!!
I love when things just fall into place. Doesn't happen very often in my life, except for maybe the kids clothing falling into place on the floor, or backpacks falling into place and the oak leaves that are starting to fall in my yard. Anyway, this week its been God's Word just falling into place. I recently agreed to facilitate a women's bible study at my church on Wednesday night. Having a Mary personality I was rather reluctant on taking this on. However, felt that God wanted me to do this. Yes, in DeAnn fashion, I have had moments of regret. Sometimes when I commit to something, dread sets in, then insecurity sets in, all has to do with me never liking change. This causes change to my routine and having to put forth a little effort. I truly am striving to put a little Martha into my life and be more willing to serve. Getting back on track, session 2 in our study was discussing mentoring and encouragement. I have fallen head over heels in love with Barnabas. We have been discussing how he mentored Saul/Paul, John Mark. Then in my Wed. morning bible study we were discussing Nehemiah and how he was encouraging the rebuilding of the wall when things were really really bad for the people. We discussed these verses: 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.1 25 Let us not give up meeting together,2 as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another3--and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25
. We talked about how we should really consider how we encourage and what encouragement looks like. I had to bring these verses up tonight with my ladies because when I read it this morning it was one of those times where it literally jumped off the page at me. In discussing this tonight my sister informed me that the youth leader has encouraged the youth to memorize scripture and these verses were ones my niece chose to memorize. Talk about coincidence, or confirmation from our Father Just when I am questioning the why's of why I agreed to teach a bible study when I don't feel equipped to do so I have an A-ha moment and see v. 25 that we should not give up meeting together. I have 20+ women willing to come to Wed. night bible study, wanting to meet together to learn more about God's Word. Does it get any better than that? I am praying that these women will be encouraged and want to encourage others by our "meeting." I pray that God will prompt them to encourage without judging and not want anything in return.
I can't help but think of all the encouragement I received 2 years ago at this time. Saturday will be 2 years to the date that Shane found "something" on his lung. Molly's 3rd birthday. I remember the encouraging text, phone calls, hugs, etc that started pouring in and didn't stop during the 5 months we dealt. I told the ladies tonight that its time for me to "pay-it-forward" and that its my turn to start being the encourager. I pray that God will fill me with his Spirit to recognize those that need encouragement, that need a kind word, a hug, etc. I pray that I will want to carry others burdens as they carried mine for so long. I pray,especially,that I will not be quick to judge or spout out opinions about situations but just be there when needed. That I will be a friend, confidant, as God intended me to be. I pray that I may be the encouraging mother that God intends for me to be. We discussed Timothy tonight, how his mother and grandmother played such an influential role in his spiritual life even though his own father was not a believer. I realized even though I am a single parent I still can guide and teach my children what loving and trusting God looks like. I want to be what Barnabas was to Paul. Knowing if Barnabas had not seen the potential in Paul and given him a chance our New Testament would not be what it is today. So I thank the Barnabas' in my life that have urged me, encouraged me and saw my potential. You know who you are and I am forever grateful.
By the way...Happy Birthday to my sweet Molly. May our memories be focused on the wonderful day you were born and the joy you have brought to so many lives for these past 5 years. May your memories of your daddy live in your heart forever and may you feel his love for you every day of your life. More importantly, may you feel your Father's love abundantly and may you seek Him daily all the days of your life. I love you Lil' Curl, you are a true gift from God. Mom
. We talked about how we should really consider how we encourage and what encouragement looks like. I had to bring these verses up tonight with my ladies because when I read it this morning it was one of those times where it literally jumped off the page at me. In discussing this tonight my sister informed me that the youth leader has encouraged the youth to memorize scripture and these verses were ones my niece chose to memorize. Talk about coincidence, or confirmation from our Father Just when I am questioning the why's of why I agreed to teach a bible study when I don't feel equipped to do so I have an A-ha moment and see v. 25 that we should not give up meeting together. I have 20+ women willing to come to Wed. night bible study, wanting to meet together to learn more about God's Word. Does it get any better than that? I am praying that these women will be encouraged and want to encourage others by our "meeting." I pray that God will prompt them to encourage without judging and not want anything in return.
I can't help but think of all the encouragement I received 2 years ago at this time. Saturday will be 2 years to the date that Shane found "something" on his lung. Molly's 3rd birthday. I remember the encouraging text, phone calls, hugs, etc that started pouring in and didn't stop during the 5 months we dealt. I told the ladies tonight that its time for me to "pay-it-forward" and that its my turn to start being the encourager. I pray that God will fill me with his Spirit to recognize those that need encouragement, that need a kind word, a hug, etc. I pray that I will want to carry others burdens as they carried mine for so long. I pray,especially,that I will not be quick to judge or spout out opinions about situations but just be there when needed. That I will be a friend, confidant, as God intended me to be. I pray that I may be the encouraging mother that God intends for me to be. We discussed Timothy tonight, how his mother and grandmother played such an influential role in his spiritual life even though his own father was not a believer. I realized even though I am a single parent I still can guide and teach my children what loving and trusting God looks like. I want to be what Barnabas was to Paul. Knowing if Barnabas had not seen the potential in Paul and given him a chance our New Testament would not be what it is today. So I thank the Barnabas' in my life that have urged me, encouraged me and saw my potential. You know who you are and I am forever grateful.
By the way...Happy Birthday to my sweet Molly. May our memories be focused on the wonderful day you were born and the joy you have brought to so many lives for these past 5 years. May your memories of your daddy live in your heart forever and may you feel his love for you every day of your life. More importantly, may you feel your Father's love abundantly and may you seek Him daily all the days of your life. I love you Lil' Curl, you are a true gift from God. Mom
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