Ahhhhhh week before Christmas. I promise myself every year that things will be different the next. Less buying, less busyness and enjoy the Prince of Peace's birthday. So ironic that celebrating the Prince of Peace totally stresses me out. Shouldn't be this way, but the world gets all over me and I can't stand it. One year I will man up and do things the way they were meant to be. Anyway, being a single mom, Christmas shopping is a bit of a challenge. So I depend on the kindness of my mom and friends to watch the kids while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off to get things done. So last night I ran the kids to my mom's to do grocery shopping and other "stuff." To go to my mom's I have to pass the cemetery, so on my way back to Wal-mart I glanced up to see Shane's cross glowing at the top of the hill as I usually do. Last night when I looked up at it, a flood of questions came all over me in a matter of seconds. Questions that came out of nowhere, questions I haven't asked myself before. The first one that popped up was 'DeAnn, do you really deserve to be happy?' then, 'DeAnn, do you really deserve to be happy this soon after Shane's passing?' and 'are you really sure you are ready to give your heart away again, something may happen.' So, I know how Satan works and knew from the get go that this had his signature all over it. He makes me question things that shouldn't be questioned, he stresses me out the week I should be at complete and total peace, and makes me question my questions. (Does that make sense?)
I had a conversation with a friend at the AT&T store the other day and we were discussing our lives, her mom has recently passed from cancer and she said, "DeAnn, I'm not sure about you, but I find myself running from cancer, its everywhere." I agreed and told her I fight with guilt about not being a better friend to a friend that is smack dab in the middle of her battle. Its sometimes unbearable to go "back." No excuse and something I am dealing with. During our conversation I was telling her about some things that have transpired in my life that has made me really happy. She gave me a big hug and told me how happy she was for me. I, in turn, said, "But you know, I am fearful to let myself be happy, seems I am always waiting for the ball to drop." She agreed and said, "When you have been through what we have lived through its hard to be happy without being a little scared." Hence the title of this blog...waiting on the ball to drop. For the most part I have found extreme happiness, but there is always Satan tapping me on the shoulder reminding me that happiness comes with a price. Never sure what that price is. A while ago I questioned whether or not I would ever be brave enough to love again. I decided with that question that it wasn't the fear of loving again but the fear of NEVER loving again and the fear of losing again. I also remember someone saying that to find love again is the best compliment you could ever give to the one you have lost. With that, I decided I would trust God with all of the details and He would work it out knowing His plans for me is for the good of me.
Getting back to my questions the other night...I am not sure I deserve to be this happy, nor am I sure to be this happy so soon after Shane's passing. I asked myself in the quietness of the car, do any of us really deserve to be happy? is there a timeline for happiness after death? is there a timeline for grief. I had to think about what Shane would think if he could see me now, (not sure how aware those living in eternity are of us or if they really care), would he be like, "Whoa, she found happiness pretty fast, wanted her too, but not so sure I wanted her too quiet so fast." or "You go girl, live life to its fullness, never take one second for granted, love again, love with the depth and strength that God taught you and use that love that got you through my death, allow God to guide you day by day, and by all means be happy and BTW I prayed for that one." For those of you that knew Shane-the latter sounds just like something he would say. Oh wait, as a matter of fact, he pretty much told me these things when he knew he would be leaving. Satan may make me question and others may question, but I know in my heart that happiness is for me right now, deserving or not. For reasons I am still trying to figure out myself I see how God is orchestrating pure joy in my life. The happiness I am finding is from Him, I continue to find peace and comfort from Him. I've discovered a love for my Savior that I never knew I had. I have discovered that I'm so in love with Him therefore allowing me to be as happy as I am. I also know that God has allowed a wonderful man to enter my life at this time and I shouldn't question the happiness he brings or whether I am deserving or not of him or of loving again. I like where I am at right now, except for the Christmas stress. So Satan, drop the ball, its in my court now...and I choose happiness.
Since life is crazy right now I'd like to wish all of you a very Merry, Blessed-beyond-words- Christmas. Try and remember, amongst the craziness of the preparations, that we are celebrating the Prince of Peace, not the prince of craziness, not the prince of presents, or parties but the Prince. of. Peace. So from me to you on Christmas, I would like to leave you with this song for your listening pleasure. Turn my play list off and enjoy this one. Merriest of Christmases. I love you Jesus and thank you for the lessons learned from loving you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRTLrTylMrE
Grief will be my friend until one day someone grieves for me-~DeAnn
Good Grief
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
Once again, I have been asked to speak at a women's Christmas dinner/event. When I am asked to speak, my first reaction is "Oh, no! Another chance for me to get nervous, anxious and worse...the attacks from satan. I'm not capable of this, Why me? and many other thoughts." At the same time, I get this stirring feeling inside of excitement, joy, and an energy I can't explain. When I got the phone call I told her that I would need to check my calender and pray about it. I did so over a weekend, and all weekend kept getting that nudge to say yes. So I said yes. In the mean time, I also took on facilitating a women's Wednesday night bible study at my church. I so wanted to say no to this request, but so glad I kept getting that same nudge. Not sure if the women are getting much out of it, but I sure am. Ironically, in that bible study we discussed "Mary & Martha" and there is absolutely no doubt that I am Mary. I would so much rather be the one sitting at Jesus' feet while someone else does the work. But God, being God, has turned the tables on me (He does have a sense of humor) and has me speaking about the goodness and joy of Jesus. I really couldn't be happier. So as I ponder on what to speak about (my testimony or something else) I always go back to thinking God has had me go through what I have been through for a reason. I expressed to someone the other day, that while I do want to give God the Glory He so deserves I sometimes just don't want to relive those 5 months of Shane's sickness and his passing. I don't want to have to read the words in my journal and revisit the pain, and have all of it come rushing back as if it were today. It's bad enough to face each day, knowing that 2 years ago, at this time, we were beginning the journey of it all. The questions, wondering where God was in all of it, knowing that Shane's 40th birthday would be next Monday.
I think the human mind somehow pushes painful memories back into a closet so as not to have to see them so vividly. Don't get me wrong, those memories are never completely hidden but you do have to open the closet door to see them. When I speak of those months, I open the door wide and sometimes its a little overwhelming at how vivid the memories are. Its like reliving every single second. Only difference is, I know the outcome. However, after saying all of this, in reading the book that goes along with my Wed. night bible study, the author spoke of the saying, "Time heals all wounds." She asked if that statement were true. I thought about it for a moment and agree a little with it but not completely. After I continued reading I have to agree with the answer she gave-"Time does heal, but only when we're willing to talk about wounds. Otherwise, our wounds fester through time." (You Matter More Than You Think-by Dr. Leslie Parrott) So I think the nudging I get when asked to share my story is God's way of continuing to heal me. He is knowingly making me open that closet door and face the wounds so that I can continue to heal and hopefully help others and share His goodness. My only hope is that He will nudge 3 children's spirit to open their own closets, so they too, can continue to heal.
My very wise pastor said something last week in his sermon about how when we are telling others about the goodness of God how it should not come from whats inside of us, but what is overflowing from us. My prayer is that God will continually fill me with His Spirit to overflowing so that I can tell of His greatness that I have experienced and continue to experience. I want to be like Moses when he came down from Mt. Sinai. 29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. Ex 34:29. I want others to know that I have experienced God's Glory. In opening that closet door of hidden memories, I recall the day after Shane passed a friend came by and I was sharing with her, on my front steps, of my experience with God the morning of Shane's passing. She looked at me and said, "DeAnn, you are glowing." I thought it odd that she should say that, I had had no sleep, was planning a funeral and my husband had just passed away...but when I look back, I had never experienced my Savior quiet like I had that early morning in April. I had seen God's Glory. WOW!! Thankfully, I will never be the same. How could I not speak of this?? Thank you Father for allowing me to see your Glory. Fill me up to overflowing with your Spirit and let my words be yours. Amen.
I think the human mind somehow pushes painful memories back into a closet so as not to have to see them so vividly. Don't get me wrong, those memories are never completely hidden but you do have to open the closet door to see them. When I speak of those months, I open the door wide and sometimes its a little overwhelming at how vivid the memories are. Its like reliving every single second. Only difference is, I know the outcome. However, after saying all of this, in reading the book that goes along with my Wed. night bible study, the author spoke of the saying, "Time heals all wounds." She asked if that statement were true. I thought about it for a moment and agree a little with it but not completely. After I continued reading I have to agree with the answer she gave-"Time does heal, but only when we're willing to talk about wounds. Otherwise, our wounds fester through time." (You Matter More Than You Think-by Dr. Leslie Parrott) So I think the nudging I get when asked to share my story is God's way of continuing to heal me. He is knowingly making me open that closet door and face the wounds so that I can continue to heal and hopefully help others and share His goodness. My only hope is that He will nudge 3 children's spirit to open their own closets, so they too, can continue to heal.
My very wise pastor said something last week in his sermon about how when we are telling others about the goodness of God how it should not come from whats inside of us, but what is overflowing from us. My prayer is that God will continually fill me with His Spirit to overflowing so that I can tell of His greatness that I have experienced and continue to experience. I want to be like Moses when he came down from Mt. Sinai. 29 When Moses came down from Mount Sinai with the two tablets of the covenant law in his hands, he was not aware that his face was radiant because he had spoken with the LORD. Ex 34:29. I want others to know that I have experienced God's Glory. In opening that closet door of hidden memories, I recall the day after Shane passed a friend came by and I was sharing with her, on my front steps, of my experience with God the morning of Shane's passing. She looked at me and said, "DeAnn, you are glowing." I thought it odd that she should say that, I had had no sleep, was planning a funeral and my husband had just passed away...but when I look back, I had never experienced my Savior quiet like I had that early morning in April. I had seen God's Glory. WOW!! Thankfully, I will never be the same. How could I not speak of this?? Thank you Father for allowing me to see your Glory. Fill me up to overflowing with your Spirit and let my words be yours. Amen.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Encouragement and Birthday Wishes!!
I love when things just fall into place. Doesn't happen very often in my life, except for maybe the kids clothing falling into place on the floor, or backpacks falling into place and the oak leaves that are starting to fall in my yard. Anyway, this week its been God's Word just falling into place. I recently agreed to facilitate a women's bible study at my church on Wednesday night. Having a Mary personality I was rather reluctant on taking this on. However, felt that God wanted me to do this. Yes, in DeAnn fashion, I have had moments of regret. Sometimes when I commit to something, dread sets in, then insecurity sets in, all has to do with me never liking change. This causes change to my routine and having to put forth a little effort. I truly am striving to put a little Martha into my life and be more willing to serve. Getting back on track, session 2 in our study was discussing mentoring and encouragement. I have fallen head over heels in love with Barnabas. We have been discussing how he mentored Saul/Paul, John Mark. Then in my Wed. morning bible study we were discussing Nehemiah and how he was encouraging the rebuilding of the wall when things were really really bad for the people. We discussed these verses: 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.1 25 Let us not give up meeting together,2 as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another3--and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25
. We talked about how we should really consider how we encourage and what encouragement looks like. I had to bring these verses up tonight with my ladies because when I read it this morning it was one of those times where it literally jumped off the page at me. In discussing this tonight my sister informed me that the youth leader has encouraged the youth to memorize scripture and these verses were ones my niece chose to memorize. Talk about coincidence, or confirmation from our Father Just when I am questioning the why's of why I agreed to teach a bible study when I don't feel equipped to do so I have an A-ha moment and see v. 25 that we should not give up meeting together. I have 20+ women willing to come to Wed. night bible study, wanting to meet together to learn more about God's Word. Does it get any better than that? I am praying that these women will be encouraged and want to encourage others by our "meeting." I pray that God will prompt them to encourage without judging and not want anything in return.
I can't help but think of all the encouragement I received 2 years ago at this time. Saturday will be 2 years to the date that Shane found "something" on his lung. Molly's 3rd birthday. I remember the encouraging text, phone calls, hugs, etc that started pouring in and didn't stop during the 5 months we dealt. I told the ladies tonight that its time for me to "pay-it-forward" and that its my turn to start being the encourager. I pray that God will fill me with his Spirit to recognize those that need encouragement, that need a kind word, a hug, etc. I pray that I will want to carry others burdens as they carried mine for so long. I pray,especially,that I will not be quick to judge or spout out opinions about situations but just be there when needed. That I will be a friend, confidant, as God intended me to be. I pray that I may be the encouraging mother that God intends for me to be. We discussed Timothy tonight, how his mother and grandmother played such an influential role in his spiritual life even though his own father was not a believer. I realized even though I am a single parent I still can guide and teach my children what loving and trusting God looks like. I want to be what Barnabas was to Paul. Knowing if Barnabas had not seen the potential in Paul and given him a chance our New Testament would not be what it is today. So I thank the Barnabas' in my life that have urged me, encouraged me and saw my potential. You know who you are and I am forever grateful.
By the way...Happy Birthday to my sweet Molly. May our memories be focused on the wonderful day you were born and the joy you have brought to so many lives for these past 5 years. May your memories of your daddy live in your heart forever and may you feel his love for you every day of your life. More importantly, may you feel your Father's love abundantly and may you seek Him daily all the days of your life. I love you Lil' Curl, you are a true gift from God. Mom
. We talked about how we should really consider how we encourage and what encouragement looks like. I had to bring these verses up tonight with my ladies because when I read it this morning it was one of those times where it literally jumped off the page at me. In discussing this tonight my sister informed me that the youth leader has encouraged the youth to memorize scripture and these verses were ones my niece chose to memorize. Talk about coincidence, or confirmation from our Father Just when I am questioning the why's of why I agreed to teach a bible study when I don't feel equipped to do so I have an A-ha moment and see v. 25 that we should not give up meeting together. I have 20+ women willing to come to Wed. night bible study, wanting to meet together to learn more about God's Word. Does it get any better than that? I am praying that these women will be encouraged and want to encourage others by our "meeting." I pray that God will prompt them to encourage without judging and not want anything in return.
I can't help but think of all the encouragement I received 2 years ago at this time. Saturday will be 2 years to the date that Shane found "something" on his lung. Molly's 3rd birthday. I remember the encouraging text, phone calls, hugs, etc that started pouring in and didn't stop during the 5 months we dealt. I told the ladies tonight that its time for me to "pay-it-forward" and that its my turn to start being the encourager. I pray that God will fill me with his Spirit to recognize those that need encouragement, that need a kind word, a hug, etc. I pray that I will want to carry others burdens as they carried mine for so long. I pray,especially,that I will not be quick to judge or spout out opinions about situations but just be there when needed. That I will be a friend, confidant, as God intended me to be. I pray that I may be the encouraging mother that God intends for me to be. We discussed Timothy tonight, how his mother and grandmother played such an influential role in his spiritual life even though his own father was not a believer. I realized even though I am a single parent I still can guide and teach my children what loving and trusting God looks like. I want to be what Barnabas was to Paul. Knowing if Barnabas had not seen the potential in Paul and given him a chance our New Testament would not be what it is today. So I thank the Barnabas' in my life that have urged me, encouraged me and saw my potential. You know who you are and I am forever grateful.
By the way...Happy Birthday to my sweet Molly. May our memories be focused on the wonderful day you were born and the joy you have brought to so many lives for these past 5 years. May your memories of your daddy live in your heart forever and may you feel his love for you every day of your life. More importantly, may you feel your Father's love abundantly and may you seek Him daily all the days of your life. I love you Lil' Curl, you are a true gift from God. Mom
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Transformation
Hopefully, this will be short. One of those nights when something is on my mind, got to get it out there, so I blog. I was going over some notes from my women's bible study yesterday. First, let me just say I LOVE my bible study. Its not about the fellowship, even though its pretty awesome to get to spend 2 hours with some courageous, godly, spirit filled women, its a time we all look forward to each week to jump in head first into His word. So, getting back to going over my notes, TD our leader (and an awesome leader she is) shared with us a quote from Joni Ereckson Tada, it was one of those quotes that I couldn't jot down fast enough in my notes because it struck a chord inside of me. So tonight I was googling Joni and found it, I've added the first part as well..
❝God is heaven-bent on making us more like Christ. He can use anything—be it a broken neck, a broken heart, a broken home. Suffering has a way of uncomfortably revealing to us the things inside us that need to be transformed. .
— Joni Earekson Tada
Strike a chord anyone??? I can definitely attest to this statement. Suffering, whatever it is, makes you take a good long hard look within and if you will let it and allow it, suffering can transform you. Praise God for that. Suffering will also allow/cause you to hit your knees and crawl to Jesus like never before. Another Praise God for that as well. Suffering can be a good thing if you will allow it to transform you. In my case, it has allowed me to look at my relationship with the very One who matters most. I can say if it was not for Him and the relationship I had with Him before the suffering began, I would have never made it. Instead, thankfully, I was upheld by Him from beginning and He continues to carry me through. Suffering has allowed me intimacy with My Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit that I would have probably never had otherwise. That deserves a loud Hallelujah!! In my case the uncomfortable reveal was my lack of faith, fear, worry, trying to keep control of situations, not giving it all over to Him. Of course I still struggle on a day to day basis with all of these and more. I also, know from the past few years, that He has NEVER forsaken me, ever. I keep self-examining to see what good has come out of what I have been through and I prayerfully hope that compassion, total dependence on my Father, and prayerfully that I am glorifying Him every way I can. Letting my light shine for Him. If you are suffering, whatever it is, pray that it will transform you, that He will reveal things through suffering that you would have not ever seen before. It may be that some things that are revealed you have tried to conceal or have tried to forget. Maybe its time to clean out that closet, purge it and let Him have it. Let God use it to make you more like Christ, that is my goal, to be more like my Savior. The above quote has become one of my favorites now. Knowing Joni has suffered tremendously, but let it transform her into the women of god she is today. She most definitely did not waste her suffering and I don't want to mine.
❝God is heaven-bent on making us more like Christ. He can use anything—be it a broken neck, a broken heart, a broken home. Suffering has a way of uncomfortably revealing to us the things inside us that need to be transformed. .
— Joni Earekson Tada
Strike a chord anyone??? I can definitely attest to this statement. Suffering, whatever it is, makes you take a good long hard look within and if you will let it and allow it, suffering can transform you. Praise God for that. Suffering will also allow/cause you to hit your knees and crawl to Jesus like never before. Another Praise God for that as well. Suffering can be a good thing if you will allow it to transform you. In my case, it has allowed me to look at my relationship with the very One who matters most. I can say if it was not for Him and the relationship I had with Him before the suffering began, I would have never made it. Instead, thankfully, I was upheld by Him from beginning and He continues to carry me through. Suffering has allowed me intimacy with My Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit that I would have probably never had otherwise. That deserves a loud Hallelujah!! In my case the uncomfortable reveal was my lack of faith, fear, worry, trying to keep control of situations, not giving it all over to Him. Of course I still struggle on a day to day basis with all of these and more. I also, know from the past few years, that He has NEVER forsaken me, ever. I keep self-examining to see what good has come out of what I have been through and I prayerfully hope that compassion, total dependence on my Father, and prayerfully that I am glorifying Him every way I can. Letting my light shine for Him. If you are suffering, whatever it is, pray that it will transform you, that He will reveal things through suffering that you would have not ever seen before. It may be that some things that are revealed you have tried to conceal or have tried to forget. Maybe its time to clean out that closet, purge it and let Him have it. Let God use it to make you more like Christ, that is my goal, to be more like my Savior. The above quote has become one of my favorites now. Knowing Joni has suffered tremendously, but let it transform her into the women of god she is today. She most definitely did not waste her suffering and I don't want to mine.
Friday, September 23, 2011
A New Season
Ok, as much as I love summer and all the activities that come with it I have to say Fall is way up on the list of favorite seasons. As time moves on the sting of the happenings of fall 09 seem to be a little less painful. I remember thinking on the day of Molly's birthday, October 29, '09, how I hoped that day would not always be "marked" by what we found out on that day. Fortunately, with God's help those memories are still there, but not as fresh and know that with each year that passes will become less and less. Not that I want to forget, I have to say those bad memories will constantly be reminders of what and how God has cared for me and walked me through suffering and the beginning of a great faith walk with my Father. Watching Molly grow, knowing she will be 5 this year reminds me of the way life continues and I don't think I will be thinking of the dreadful news we received 2 years ago on her sweet birthday as much this year.
When I think of a new season and all the things that come with it I think of one of Shane's last gifts to me. As most of you know the last 2 weeks of his life was spent upstairs preparing for the inevitable. As much as we hated to come to grips with what was happening and knowing the time was drawing near for Shane to enter his real home we talked, planned and looked ahead and behind. In those moments we spent together, just he and I, he told me things he wanted for the children. We went over yucky business matters, what he expected and wanted in that area. A dear friend told us to dictate letters to our children on special days/ages and he would transcribe them for us. As tired and sick as Shane was, we did it. Not as many as we had hoped to do but he did them. He also had a conversation with me about what he expected for me. He told me he expected me to be happy to not grieve forever and to find someone. When we had this conversation I protested, not wanting to talk about it at all. He pushed the issue and told me he knew that I would find love again, that he wanted me too, wanted me to marry again, that I was young. He had only one request, however. He asked that it be a godly man, one that would love me, love his children and a man that would help me with them. I just shook my head in agreement, that I didn't want to talk about. As time has passed I have found that he had this same conversation with some of his closest friends. What he expected for me. Shane still amazes me on how unselfish he really was. He made sure these men, that would be instrumental in my life, knew what he expected and knew that it was what he wanted for me and the children. I also know that in the times Shane would be resting he would be praying to his Father and know that he was unselfishly praying for mine and the children's future. I know in my heart, that at that time, God's ear was closer to Shane than ever before, for He knew the plan's He had for Shane, knew Shane's time here was growing short, He saw Shane's continued faithfulness, and know that God's presence was all around that sweet time.
Sharing this with you leads me to today. I have often said that if I was to meet someone else that God would literally have to drop him in my lap. Well, God dropped this man straight from heaven. Most of you have heard, met or know this godly man that has come into my life. It happened when I least expected it. He is not a stranger to me or my family, we were childhood schoolmates, church mates. He has had his share of heartache, different, but still the same. This man loves our Father and seeks Him daily, he has godly parents, a solid foundation and is truly amazing. He is amazing with my children and my children's hearts have been opened to accept him into our lives. Even the oldest, who always said, that another would never be allowed. I think he is the most smitten of the 3. He amazes me with his unselfishness, his attentiveness and he allows Shane's memory to be alive which is the best gift for my children. He knows what heartache is, he understands and he sees brokenness as a way to grow in Christ and a way to grow together.
I am continually amazed at God's planning and what He continues to do in our lives. I continue to see pieces of a huge puzzle come together that only He can put together. I continue to see Shane's prayers he prayed, in the end, be answered. In the words of Jake..."When ___________ gets to heaven I just know dad will walk up to him and say, 'thank you for taking care of my wife(& children).' Yes, Jake I think your daddy would definitely approve of this godly man that has come into our lives. Thank you Shane for unselfishly knowing that a new season would begin in our lives and thank you for praying in advance for the man you knew we needed in our lives. Thank you Father for all you continue to do, for allowing such a godly man to come into our lives, for 2nd chances, new seasons in life, for allowing such happiness to come out of broknness, you continually amaze me with your love, grace and mercy. I give you all the Glory. Amen.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
When I think of a new season and all the things that come with it I think of one of Shane's last gifts to me. As most of you know the last 2 weeks of his life was spent upstairs preparing for the inevitable. As much as we hated to come to grips with what was happening and knowing the time was drawing near for Shane to enter his real home we talked, planned and looked ahead and behind. In those moments we spent together, just he and I, he told me things he wanted for the children. We went over yucky business matters, what he expected and wanted in that area. A dear friend told us to dictate letters to our children on special days/ages and he would transcribe them for us. As tired and sick as Shane was, we did it. Not as many as we had hoped to do but he did them. He also had a conversation with me about what he expected for me. He told me he expected me to be happy to not grieve forever and to find someone. When we had this conversation I protested, not wanting to talk about it at all. He pushed the issue and told me he knew that I would find love again, that he wanted me too, wanted me to marry again, that I was young. He had only one request, however. He asked that it be a godly man, one that would love me, love his children and a man that would help me with them. I just shook my head in agreement, that I didn't want to talk about. As time has passed I have found that he had this same conversation with some of his closest friends. What he expected for me. Shane still amazes me on how unselfish he really was. He made sure these men, that would be instrumental in my life, knew what he expected and knew that it was what he wanted for me and the children. I also know that in the times Shane would be resting he would be praying to his Father and know that he was unselfishly praying for mine and the children's future. I know in my heart, that at that time, God's ear was closer to Shane than ever before, for He knew the plan's He had for Shane, knew Shane's time here was growing short, He saw Shane's continued faithfulness, and know that God's presence was all around that sweet time.
Sharing this with you leads me to today. I have often said that if I was to meet someone else that God would literally have to drop him in my lap. Well, God dropped this man straight from heaven. Most of you have heard, met or know this godly man that has come into my life. It happened when I least expected it. He is not a stranger to me or my family, we were childhood schoolmates, church mates. He has had his share of heartache, different, but still the same. This man loves our Father and seeks Him daily, he has godly parents, a solid foundation and is truly amazing. He is amazing with my children and my children's hearts have been opened to accept him into our lives. Even the oldest, who always said, that another would never be allowed. I think he is the most smitten of the 3. He amazes me with his unselfishness, his attentiveness and he allows Shane's memory to be alive which is the best gift for my children. He knows what heartache is, he understands and he sees brokenness as a way to grow in Christ and a way to grow together.
I am continually amazed at God's planning and what He continues to do in our lives. I continue to see pieces of a huge puzzle come together that only He can put together. I continue to see Shane's prayers he prayed, in the end, be answered. In the words of Jake..."When ___________ gets to heaven I just know dad will walk up to him and say, 'thank you for taking care of my wife(& children).' Yes, Jake I think your daddy would definitely approve of this godly man that has come into our lives. Thank you Shane for unselfishly knowing that a new season would begin in our lives and thank you for praying in advance for the man you knew we needed in our lives. Thank you Father for all you continue to do, for allowing such a godly man to come into our lives, for 2nd chances, new seasons in life, for allowing such happiness to come out of broknness, you continually amaze me with your love, grace and mercy. I give you all the Glory. Amen.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Courageous
So last night I was able to experience a great night. I was able to attend the premier of a movie. The night included me getting dressed up, time with some GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL company, a "red carpet" experience, meeting new people, great food and the A-T-L. Nope, it wasn't a Hollywood premier but great fun all the same, minus the glitz and glam. I was able to attend the premier of "Courageous." I HIGHLY recommend seeing this movie when it comes out at the end of September. This movie is from the creators of Facing the Giants and Fireproof. I really enjoyed this movie. I won't go into the details of the movie but will say that all daddy's need to see it. I had been forewarned that there was a death in this movie so that it may be somewhat hard to watch. It was a little hard, and I did cry, along with so many others in the theater, but it really wasn't from experiencing pain from memories of Shane's passing, I cried mostly from happiness at something that I so related to. Luckily, I was blessed to be sent home with several books, one which was Courageous by Randy Alcorn. I was thinking about the scene in the movie that touched me the most so started searching in the book to see if I could find the conversation. I did, page 131. It was the scene where one of the characters that experienced loss was talking with his pastor. Here is an excerpt:
Adam: "How are you suppose to heal when you lose someone you love?"
Pastor: " I've heard it said it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. But those who go through this and trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience. Now, you've got to give yourself time to grieve. But you also need to make efforts to move forward with your life."
These words could not be more true. For anyone that has lost someone they loved it is like losing part of yourself. Its coming up on 17 months and I feel I have allowed myself to grieve and continue to do so. Grief doesn't have a time table and its different for everyone. I think grieving is different for those of us that find hope in Christ as well. I feel that when you know where your loved one is, that your loved one is where they are suppose to be and know that God is in control of everything, that grieving process can and is a little easier, if I can even put those words in the same sentence. When the tears started during the movie last night is was at the place the pastor said that those of us that trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience. I think I was crying from pure joy of that statement being so true. In the moment, 17months ago, I would have changed things, but now as I get to look back and see the magnificent happenings that God had planned out I get to see His ways and love so different than others. No, I don't think everyone should have to experience losing someone to get that intimacy with God, but know that those that choose to trust in Him will get to experience His love like never ever before or again. His comfort is real, sometimes tangible, sometimes miraculous and sometimes so obvious and at others not-so-obvious. His love is sustaining, like a drink of living water for a parched soul. I've said it so many times before, I am thankful for the hurt and pain and the total dependency on my Father because otherwise I would never have gotten to the place of complete and total, falling-in-love-with my Savior experience.
Yes, I am still grieving, but in different ways now. Tears don't flow quiet as easily now, the pain is not as sharp as it once was. It still hits me in the strangest of ways. Things like being stopped by a passing funeral procession just 4 days ago, brought the sharp pain back to the surface again. Or how a simple First Aid class instructor talking about "death breaths" made me want to run out of the room to escape certain memories. In experiencing that surge of pain, I was able to think back on how God carried me on the day of Shane's death and funeral, how it was almost surreal how He loved me through it. The memories will always be there, the pain will continue even when not so deep and jagged, the pain will always be a reminder of what Jesus endured for me, of how He continues to love me, how He has carried me through so much and continues to do so. The grief is good....hence the title of this blog. Good in a way that I almost can't explain, it will always be instrumental in who I am from now on, how I feel and love my Father, how I love my children and how I love others and how I may glorify my Father. Its instrumental in how I find joy, peace, happiness and comfort in God. When Shane was first diagnosed my sweet friend LG shared a verse with me that still inspires me and pushes me forward. On the days the pain resurfaces I just repeat it over and over in my head which gives me strength. Here it is, hope you find courage through it as well, very simple words but powerful...
The joy of the Lord is my strength. Neh 8:10
Ironically, my upcoming bible study that I attend is going to be covering Nehemiah. Knowing I am going to find so much more strength in the Lords joy.
Adam: "How are you suppose to heal when you lose someone you love?"
Pastor: " I've heard it said it's like learning to live with an amputation. You do heal, but you're never the same. But those who go through this and trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience. Now, you've got to give yourself time to grieve. But you also need to make efforts to move forward with your life."
These words could not be more true. For anyone that has lost someone they loved it is like losing part of yourself. Its coming up on 17 months and I feel I have allowed myself to grieve and continue to do so. Grief doesn't have a time table and its different for everyone. I think grieving is different for those of us that find hope in Christ as well. I feel that when you know where your loved one is, that your loved one is where they are suppose to be and know that God is in control of everything, that grieving process can and is a little easier, if I can even put those words in the same sentence. When the tears started during the movie last night is was at the place the pastor said that those of us that trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience. I think I was crying from pure joy of that statement being so true. In the moment, 17months ago, I would have changed things, but now as I get to look back and see the magnificent happenings that God had planned out I get to see His ways and love so different than others. No, I don't think everyone should have to experience losing someone to get that intimacy with God, but know that those that choose to trust in Him will get to experience His love like never ever before or again. His comfort is real, sometimes tangible, sometimes miraculous and sometimes so obvious and at others not-so-obvious. His love is sustaining, like a drink of living water for a parched soul. I've said it so many times before, I am thankful for the hurt and pain and the total dependency on my Father because otherwise I would never have gotten to the place of complete and total, falling-in-love-with my Savior experience.
Yes, I am still grieving, but in different ways now. Tears don't flow quiet as easily now, the pain is not as sharp as it once was. It still hits me in the strangest of ways. Things like being stopped by a passing funeral procession just 4 days ago, brought the sharp pain back to the surface again. Or how a simple First Aid class instructor talking about "death breaths" made me want to run out of the room to escape certain memories. In experiencing that surge of pain, I was able to think back on how God carried me on the day of Shane's death and funeral, how it was almost surreal how He loved me through it. The memories will always be there, the pain will continue even when not so deep and jagged, the pain will always be a reminder of what Jesus endured for me, of how He continues to love me, how He has carried me through so much and continues to do so. The grief is good....hence the title of this blog. Good in a way that I almost can't explain, it will always be instrumental in who I am from now on, how I feel and love my Father, how I love my children and how I love others and how I may glorify my Father. Its instrumental in how I find joy, peace, happiness and comfort in God. When Shane was first diagnosed my sweet friend LG shared a verse with me that still inspires me and pushes me forward. On the days the pain resurfaces I just repeat it over and over in my head which gives me strength. Here it is, hope you find courage through it as well, very simple words but powerful...
The joy of the Lord is my strength. Neh 8:10
Ironically, my upcoming bible study that I attend is going to be covering Nehemiah. Knowing I am going to find so much more strength in the Lords joy.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Being Loved Through It
This morning I was checking FaceBook and saw where a mutual friend had posted a video on my friend Buffey's wall. For those of you that don't know Buffey she is fighting a recurrence of cervical cancer. She will find out today results of a PET scan that she just had. It upsets me, angers me and devastates me to watch Buffey going through this. My heart hurts for her constantly. She is a single mom with 2 young children. I have been with her, but not as much as I should have been. I know she understands that going through it is still a little raw for me, but she has been completely understanding and I am so thankful for that. I am determined to love her through it, no matter if I am with her, or just watching and praying from the side lines. From experience, even though I was not the one fighting this stinking disease, being loved through it by so many is really the only way to get through it. So this video is dedicated to Buffey, to my family and friends that loved me & Shane through it, and for all of those that fought and won, those that are still fighting and to all of those (and there are many) loving someone through the fight. Turn off my playlist and listen to this song. Amazing.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxIt70j_SPk&feature=share
I love you Buffey and so many others do too! We are determined to love you through it girl. Lean on us.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxIt70j_SPk&feature=share
I love you Buffey and so many others do too! We are determined to love you through it girl. Lean on us.
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