Courageous

So last night I was able to experience a great night.  I was able to attend the premier of a movie.  The night included me getting dressed up, time with some GREAT, AMAZING, WONDERFUL  company, a "red carpet" experience, meeting new people, great food and the A-T-L.  Nope, it wasn't a Hollywood premier but great fun all the same, minus the glitz and glam.  I was able to attend the premier of "Courageous."  I HIGHLY recommend seeing this movie when it comes out at the end of September.  This movie is from the creators of Facing the Giants and Fireproof.  I really enjoyed this movie.  I won't go into the details of the movie but will say that all daddy's need to see it.  I had been forewarned that there was a death in this movie so that it may be somewhat hard to watch.  It was a little hard, and I did cry, along with so many others in the theater, but it really wasn't from experiencing pain from memories of Shane's passing, I cried mostly from happiness at something that I so related to.  Luckily, I was blessed to be sent home with several books, one which was Courageous by Randy Alcorn.  I was thinking about the scene in the movie that touched me the most so started searching in the book to see if I could find the conversation.  I did, page 131.  It was the scene where one of the characters that experienced loss was talking with his pastor.   Here is an excerpt: 

Adam:  "How are you suppose to heal when you lose someone you love?"
Pastor: " I've heard it said it's like learning to live with an amputation.  You do heal, but you're never the same.  But those who go through this and trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others never experience.  Now, you've got to give yourself time to grieve.  But you also need to make efforts to move forward with your life."

These words could not be more true.  For anyone that has lost someone they loved it is like losing part of yourself.  Its coming up on 17 months and I feel I have allowed myself to grieve and continue to do so. Grief doesn't have a time table and its different for everyone.  I think grieving is different for those of us that find hope in Christ as well.  I feel that when you know where your loved one is, that your loved one is where they are suppose to be and know that God is in control of everything, that grieving process can and is a little easier, if I can even put those words in the same sentence.  When the tears started during the movie last night is was at the place the pastor said that those of us that trust the Lord find comfort and intimacy with God that others  never experience.  I think I was crying from pure joy of that statement being so true.  In the moment, 17months ago,  I would have changed things, but now as I get to look back and see the magnificent happenings that God had planned out I get to see His ways and love so different than others.  No, I don't think everyone should have to experience losing someone to get that intimacy with God, but know that those that choose to trust in Him will get to experience His love like never ever before or again.  His comfort is real, sometimes tangible, sometimes miraculous and sometimes so obvious and at others not-so-obvious.  His love is sustaining, like a drink of living water for a parched soul. I've said it so many times before, I am thankful for the hurt and pain and the total dependency on my Father because otherwise I would never have gotten to the place of complete and total, falling-in-love-with my Savior experience. 

Yes, I am still grieving, but in different ways now.  Tears don't flow quiet as easily now, the pain is not as sharp as it once was. It still hits me in the strangest of ways.  Things like being stopped by a passing funeral procession just 4 days ago, brought the sharp pain back to the surface again. Or how a simple First Aid class instructor talking about "death breaths" made me want to run out of the room to escape certain memories.   In experiencing that surge of pain, I was able to think back on how God carried me on the day of Shane's death and funeral, how it was almost surreal how He loved me through it.  The memories will always be there, the pain will continue even when not so deep and jagged, the pain will always be a reminder of what Jesus endured for me, of how He continues to love me, how He has carried me through so much and continues to do so. The grief is good....hence the title of this blog.  Good in a way that I almost can't explain, it will always be instrumental in who I am from now on, how I feel  and love my Father, how I love my children and how I love others and how I may glorify my Father.   Its instrumental in how I find joy, peace, happiness and comfort in God.  When Shane was first diagnosed my sweet friend LG shared a verse with me that still inspires me and pushes me forward.  On the days the pain resurfaces I just repeat it over and over in my head which gives me strength.  Here it is, hope you find courage through it as well, very simple words but powerful...

The joy of the Lord is my strength. Neh 8:10

Ironically, my upcoming bible study that I attend is going to be covering Nehemiah. Knowing I am going to find so much more strength in the Lords joy. 

Being Loved Through It

This morning I was checking FaceBook and saw where a mutual friend had posted a video on my friend Buffey's wall.  For those of you that don't know Buffey she is fighting a recurrence of cervical cancer.  She will find out today results of a PET scan that she just had. It upsets me, angers me and devastates me to watch Buffey going through this. My heart hurts for her constantly. She is a single mom with 2 young children.  I have been with her, but not as much as I should have been.  I know she understands that going through it is still a little raw for me, but she has been completely understanding and I am so thankful for that.  I am determined to love her through it, no matter if I am with her, or just watching and praying from the side lines.  From experience, even though I was not the one fighting this stinking disease, being loved through it by so many is really the only way to get through it.  So this video is dedicated to Buffey, to my family and friends that loved me & Shane through it, and for all of those that fought and won, those that are still fighting and to all of those (and there are many) loving someone through the fight. Turn off my playlist and listen to this song.  Amazing. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxIt70j_SPk&feature=share

I love you Buffey and so many others do too!  We are determined to love you through it girl.  Lean on us.  

God's obviousness-not sure if thats a word either, just work with me.

Bear with me on this-blogging from my iphone so not sure how it may come out. The kids and I came over to Shane's parents house for a last lil summer hurah, reason for iphone posting. I was enjoying the morning watching the kids sleep, listening to them breathe, their sweet faces when I received a text from my sister, Robin. It said something like "pray for Shannon, found out last night that she wasnt invited to a little spend the night party. Wouldnt have bothered her so much because she hasnt had much contact with these girls. One girl thought it would be fun to call Shannon and let her know she was missing out on all the fun." Teenage girls can be so dang mean!!! I have left out some of the things my dear sister said she would like to do to this little girl, cause, well, just wasnt real nice. Haha! I texted back that obviously S didnt need these girls as "friends" sent a prayer asking God to bless S with new friends at her new school, to let S know that God loves her and thats really all that matters. Prayed for the little mean girls heart to be changed and if it wasnt then to remove her from S's life. Told Robin to tell Shannon that i remember being "left out" a few times and it was usually for the good of me and in the grand scheme it doesnt really matter. R said her and Jamie both shared heartbreak stories and told S that sometimes thats the way God weeds out people in our lives. Robin then text me and said, "wouldnt you know it, i open up my Priscilla Shirer bible study and todays is on being left out of a party!" "I almost laughed at how stinkin' obvious God is sometimes!" I did laugh out loud, cause God is good like that. Our sweet Father knew my sisters heart was probably breaking more for her sweet daughter than Shannon's was for being left out, so He sends confirmation to my almost 50 year old sister through a bible study. Confirmation that we don't have to seek Him hard, He's sometimes so "there" that its laughable. He is so there in even the smallest of things so its apparent He is in the big things.
You probably are all a little tired of my "rainbow" stories but here's another one. Some things have been happening in my life, good things, but still sometimes doubt and uncertainity will creep in. I know God is in everything thats happening for many "obvious" reasons but sometimes you just need a little reassurance. Last Thursday was one of those days, nervousness, uneasiness was creepimg in. Then, my mom called and said go outside, i did and there it was...a rainbow. The colors were vibrant and clear as if God wrote in the sky, that all was well. So obvious!! I know, I know, I don't need signs and wonders from God to know He is there, but I tend to think that this is His love letters, confirmations to me from Him. I haven't experienced a rainbow in months, so I feel this was His obvious love letter to me telling me Yes, DeAnn all is well and it is good!" He is pretty stinkin' obvious sometimes and that brings me wonderful, fabulous, God given joy. I love you God when you are so obvious in your love, teachings and confirmations. You are so awesome!!

Deservingness -is that even a word???

I have recently been thinking about the word deserve so I looked up the real meaning.

Deserve 1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.

Over the past months I have used this word over and over, whether it be in conversation, with my kiddos, or in my prayers.  "I'm not sure what I have done to deserve this." "J,S,M I am sorry this has happened to you, you 3 so don't deserve this.""God, whatever it is that I have done to deserve this, I ask your forgiveness, I ask that you make it known to me so that I may come to you and fix it."  The list could go on and on. 

I was having a conversation the other day with someone that has endured a fair share of heartache and hurt and we talked about how we are leery when someone says, "you have been through so much, you deserve so much more"(fill in the blank...happiness, a break, blessings)  Do I deserve more?  I am not sure. I love the verse in the last chapter of Job.  The LORD blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen and a thousand donkeys. Job 42:12  It does remind me that if I am faithful and obedient then there will be blessings in store for me.  I have heard time and time again that I will be blessed for what I have endured, as well as my children.  Will those blessings be here on earth, or will they be waiting on me in my real Home?  I can't answer that either. As I have just turned 42, I am watching the 2nd half of my life unfold before me.  I was blessed beyond measure the first half, do I deserve more during the 2nd half??  I'm not sure.  I do know that what I have lived through, whether deserving or not, even the ugliness of it all, are all blessings wrapped up just for me.  Had I not endured the pain and suffering over these past months I would have never experienced my Father in the way I have.  I have to say that God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, deserve so much more from me.  My God, the one that knows infinitely what I deserve, deserves so much more from me, in the way of praise, thanksgiving and service.  He is awesome and deserving of so much more than I am sometimes willing to give.   I am thankful that I deserve His comfort, peace, love, patience, understanding, forgiveness,  (I can say deserve in this sentence because I referred back to the definition to where it says to make claim to) I claim all of those, so yes I AM deserving.  I am thankful for whatever He thinks I am deserving of--good or bad.  Because He knows me and knows what I deserve.  Thank you Father for loving me, for constantly carrying me day by day, for knowing what I do deserve here on earth and what lies in store for me in Heaven.  Thank you for loving me even on the days I feel I didn't deserve any of this.  Thank you for knowing what my 3 are deserving of and constantly loving them.  Thank you for so many things happening in my life that I see as blessings (big and small). You are worthy of ALL my praise, in Your Great Name...Amen.

Expectations

The other morning as I was reading my morning devotional by Papa Stanley (found this devotional at Dollar General in PCB of all places) I loved the title of the mornings devotional...Expect the Unexpected.  After I read that title I thought that was something to contemplate on.   I never expected Shane to get cancer, I certainly never expected him to pass away from it, and I really didn't expect for him to fight for such a short time.  I never expected to be a single mom of 3 babies and never expected to have to face what I continue to face due to Shane's passing.  I never expected to be sitting here on my 42nd birthday blogging about expectations (Happy B'day to Me), or feeling somewhat melancholy that Shane will not celebrate with me another year turning older. I also never expected to feel a little liberated knowing that I have made it thus far, but only by the hand of God and by my family and friends love and support.  I am always surprised at the way I expect people to be or act and how my expectations are either way off or right on.  Expectations can sometimes be a dangerous thing, especially when you put way too much expectations in people, money, power, things.  I have found from experience that if you expect too much from someone or something that you will constantly be let down and disappointed.  I find myself, constantly shaking my head at people for either how they act, what they say, or what they are doing.  Yes, I guess you could say I am judging people, and yes I confess, I find myself doing that often.  People never cease to amaze me in a not-so-good kind of amazement.
I  was talking to a friend the other day about people and their worldly worries, complaints and gripes and antics, before I thought I responded, "sounds to me that if they had someone they love be diagnosed with cancer they wouldn't be griping and complaining about stupid stuff, they may have too much time on their hands." Guessing you didn't expect that??  I know, awful thing to say, but dang it, its the truth. See, you had expectations that I would never say such an awful thing, but I did.   No, I am not wishing cancer on anyone, its just sometimes cancer, or hard times, or when things are not going as expected  you get a new perspective on things.  "Things" pale in comparison with cancer, the possibility of death, loss of a job, marriage, etc. I guess I am saying that people need to wake up, know that things can change in an instant very unexpectedly, and worlds can crumble and expectations need to be placed on the One that matters.  Yes, I find myself looking at peoples very good lives, knowing they, like me a few years ago, had expectations of what life was to hold for my family and I and how the unexpected happened and how easily it could happen to them.  I hate thinking that, but, there, I said it.   I find myself expecting the best of people and getting the worst.
 
But. There. Is. HOPE.  I have been thinking that my expectations in people should be  transferred to my Heavenly Father.  My expectations in Him always amaze me, but only in a good way.  But what really amazes me is the unexpected gifts that I receive from Him. He Never. Ceases. To. Amaze. Me.  The thing about God is when He does something unexpected He does it in the most subtle of ways, no pomp or circumstance.   Papa Stanley said it  best when he wrote..."If we have seen the miraculous workings of God in some extraordinary providential deliverance, I am sure the thing that has impressed us most has been the quietness with which it was done, the absence of everything spectacular and sensational, and the utter sense of nothingness that came to us as we stood in the presence of this mighty God and felt how easy it was for Him to do it all without the faintest effort on His part or the slightest help on ours."  Takes my breath away every time I read that.  Brings me back to the early morning of April 3, 2010.  God showed up, and showed out without any help from Shane, me or anyone else. There was no pomp or circumstance, nor was it needed and what I witnessed was no effort to Him.  This is God, the One that controls the sun, moon, stars, births, breaths, and deaths.  I didn't know what to expect knowing Shane's time on earth was almost over.  I didn't know what to expect to feel.  We had discussed it many many times.  I can tell you that even 15 months later I am still blown away at the memory of what I experienced that night with my Heavenly Father.  I never expected to find joy in the death of my husband and my children's father, I never expected to find peace in his passing.  Yes, I am still saddened at him not being here and constantly find myself going back and forth with all these feelings of good and bad, but overall I find peace.  I also never expected for God to sustain, comfort and love me the way He has during the past months.  I have felt His love like never before. I never expected for God to show His Glory to me in this way, but I am thankful for the unexpected.  I have decided that expectations should not be wasted on people or things of this earth but to place them all in God.  The One that I know will never let me down.  I have learned many lessons & things about God during this season in my life, and one of my favorite things I have learned is-- to expect the unexpected from Him. 

The Call

I was just reading a gentleman's blog the other day titled "How to Lose your Blog following" and well, I think I have done everything right on how to lose the small following that I had.  The best way is to not blog regularly.  I could give a ton of excuses of why I haven't blogged-kids, school, kids, kids, but its not just that.  Just haven't had lots to blog about. I have felt since I started blogging that this, was in a way, a journal for me and my kids.  I am well aware of the fact that they may never want to rehash the feelings that we felt this past year with the passing of Shane but its here, nevertheless.  Also, I have had so many people tell me that, no, they don't comment, but that they continually find inspiration from what I write.  So for those that find a little inspiration I will try and do better with putting my thoughts into blogging. 

Seems like I have wrote about this once before about the feeling of discontent and well, I have that feeling again.  Call it summertime, schedule is off, kids are crazy wild, still getting use to the change of being a single mom (not my choice,) and just the ugliness of the world right now.  Seems every time I turn around someone is getting some kind of bad news of some kind. I guess the biggest feeling of discontent comes from the feeling that I still don't know what I am suppose to do with what I have been given.  I am still bound and determined to not waste Shane's cancer and homegoing.  He made it clear that it was not to be wasted.  However, the discontentment seems to hinder me.  I will have my mind set to do this, and think, ' no its too soon, or no you're not ready.'  Then I think, 'well I am going back to my old mindset of I am in control and I will do what I think is right,' instead of the Christian mindset of waiting to see what my Father wants for me. 

All this brings me to the title of this blog...The call.  No, no, I don't feel like I have been "called" into the ministry- that was Shane's, however I picked up my Papa Stanley(referred to for remaining post as *PS) devotional tonight and that is what it is on, the call.  I will try to write this out to where it doesn't sound like mumbo jumbo so bare with me, cause there is alot going on in my heart and mind that needs to come out.  Yes, I was saved at an early age, or not so early, age of 10ish.  Never forget it, I was a little shy so I didn't ask anyone to pray the sinners prayer with me but remember it like it was yesterday.  I was in my Sunday School class with my Sunday school teacher, Mrs. McCullough (still think the woman has wings and don't think she will ever know what she did for this pre-teen.) I remember it was summertime and the metal chairs were cool, at the end of class we prayed and I remember asking my Savior to come into my heart at that moment.  No, I didn't feel a miraculous change right then, nor did I go on to live a sinless life.  However, I did keep my eye on Jesus and tried to live a good life.  Unfortunately, getting older, teens, 20's and even in to my 30's I see now where I had my life planned according to DeAnn's plans and God was just a part of it.  He wasn't the main part, part of the part, but just part.  I went through the ebbs and flows of the Christian life as most of us do.  Tragic.  *PS explains that the first call we get is Called to Salvation-when He reaches out to establish a relationship with us.  Thank God I heard that call loud and clear in a cement walled Sunday School room.  He reached out and I heard it and took it.  Can't say I really did anything with right then, but Hallelujah I got that call. 

Which leads me to the next call that Papa explains as the Call of Sanctification-big word with bigger meaning.  *PS explains that sanctification = holiness.  He states that, "it sets us apart for His purpose."  He explains that this begins at the moment of Salvation and continues until our physical death, it does require a commitment from us.  Even though it began at the moment I prayed that prayer I don't think I actually "got" sanctified until I committed to His way a few years ago.  Oh how I have questioned His sanctification and how I have assuredly felt "set apart for His purpose."  No, still don't like it most days but know that my, now verse for life is a promise.... "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Jeremiah 29:11 (just received a shirt with this verse today from a sweet friend.)  *PS stated that sanctification  is not a perfect life but one that is bent on righteousness and obedience. I can say a loud AMEN to that...not a perfect life, but pray that I will be obedient. 
Lastly, *PS ends with the last calling...Called to Service.  I think I am seeing the bigger picture and see where some of my discontent is coming from.  While I know that sanctification is an ongoing process and part of Christian growth, I can honestly say I know firsthand what being sanctified means in the Christian walk.  I think now I am somewhere knowing what that is and I am now hearing that call to serve loud and clear.  Problem is, I don't know what that looks like or feels like.  Honestly, I am so much a Mary that I truly long to just sit at Jesus' feet and soak it all up, I have never really had that servants heart mentality like Martha...my sister Trace received my dose and a few others I think.   I would rather let someone else do the serving while I am enjoying seeing what He is doing, searching for rainbows, if you will.  I am not saying being a Mary is a bad thing, I think I am just starting to see how important Martha's are too.  I always thought Martha's were just too busy to really see Jesus.  There has got to be a balance somewhere.  It is my goal to find that balance.  I want to serve in a way that will bring Honor and Glory to the One who so deserves it.   I truly feel blessed to be in this place of discontentment and glad that it is because of a walk with Christ.  So thankful that I have decided that its not DeAnn's world and God is just a part of it, instead He is my world.  Praising Him for calling me many years ago, thankful that I finally know what the word sanctification really means and thankful that I now know I have to get off my "Mary" fannie, cause I just received the call to serve, even though I don't know what or how, but I got the call and I don't think there is a decline button for this one. However, the HOLD button may be used until I know exactly what I am to do for HIM. As my favorite journal is called....Jesus is calling, are you answering???

Puzzle Pieces

Today has been a bit bittersweet.  The stress of knowing May 18th(would have been our 15th wedding anniversary) was coming up made me feel yucky along with many other things.  Seems to be so much hurt floating all around me, just worldly stuff, divorce, financial issues, job loss, sickness, betrayal, time and energy suckers, just real world life. While I've reflected so many times through the years about May 18, 1996, how perfect it was, magical, happy, everything I had ever dreamed a wedding would ever be with a man I dreamt of all my life.  It almost seemed unreal, and life just got better and better.  Our marriage was not perfect by far, but we were perfect for each other.  We built our life together, God gave us amazing babies, things continued to work out. 
Then.
 I.
 Woke.
 Up on April 4, 2010.  While the bitterness is sometimes unbearable I so try and focus on the time Shane and I had together. Yep, I still feel cheated for the time that I don't get to spend with Shane, but I truly am so thankful for the time we had, short but wonderful. I will say it again, we had something some search a lifetime for and so thankful I was allowed to experience it. 
I usually spend my time with God at night when we all are settled in and kids are quiet. For mother's day I purchased the kid version of my new devotional for the kids.  I told them I wouldn't be a mother without them, so happy mother's day to them.  I usually read mine then read theirs, I did tonight and for some reason their version spoke to me more than mine.  Here is part of
what it said...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. Is 55:9
"I gave you an amazing mind.  With it you can think great thoughts and dream great dreams.  But My mind is infinitely bigger and more amazing.  My thoughts contain all of creation and the universe, all of the past, present and future.  And because I understand all things and all times, My thoughts and My ways are different from yours.
Life can be like a box of puzzle pieces--with the box top missing.  When you look around at your life, all you can see are the pieces.  But I see the final picture.  I know how all the pieces fit together.  I know how to join together all the jagged pieces of hurts and disappointments, plus the smooth pieces of victories and joys. 
Trust My timing and My ways.  Trust Me to fit all your pieces together into a wonderful life.  And trust Me-at the end of your life-to lead you home to heaven."--Jesus Calling

After I read it aloud to the kids, Jake in his adult fashion said, "wow mom, that's perfect for you today, being yours and dad's anniversary."  I had to agree.  Yep, my life to me looks like a bunch of pieces and right now can't imagine the other half being any better than the first. Even though I don't agree with some of the pieces He has given me I think I will continue to trust the One who had it mapped out long before I was conceived.  He loves me and He knows what my "puzzle" looks like complete.  He knows me so well that He gave me a wonderful reminder when I picked up my Papa Stanley devotion...for May 18, titled-Supreme Love, based on 1 Corinthians 13.  This happens to be the scripture read on our wedding day, the scripture Shane based his last sermon on, and the exact scripture that I had placed on our headstone.  Coincidence?  No way, He loves me like that and He consistently gives me these little reminders.
Thank you dear God for the time I had with Shane, the lessons I continue to learn from him, the 3 blessings I call our children,  thank You for assuring me that no matter how hurtful this world is I have the assurance of living eternally without hurt or pain, thank You for allowing me to know what being loved in this world is all about and more importantly allowing me to experience daily, Your Supreme love, because the greatest of these is LOVE.  Amen